What Do I Do With All These Feelings?!

[Twillwood 17]

I just really feel like I need to get this out there...I have been feeling SOOOOOO many things since my surgery.

1. Lucky, I feel like one of the lucky ones. My Mom helped me to pay for my band and without my Mom being who she is I could not have afforded to get the band without her (my Mom had gastric bypass 6 years ago). It has been such a struggle for me to lose weight. I have fought this battle all my life. Sometimes I have won, but mostly I lost.

2. Guilty, I feel so guilty because I really do have REAL help for losing weight - but I don't know why I feel guilty.

3. I feel like shouting from the mountain top - AND at the same time - like my band is top secret. I feel very conflicted. I want to tell everyone and then at the same time I don't want ANYONE to know. I thought I was going to be a very open bandster until I told a friend at work...first words out of her mouth: "but you're not that big!" then during our conversation about my decision to have the band I learned that she has been one of those people that have never had to worry about their weight and that although now she is heavier she is ok with it because she is in her 40's and married (and then she proceeded to tell me about her walking regimen and lean cuisines: all the ways she attempts to lose weight...but I have to tell you, I have known this woman for a year and I haven't seen her lose one single pound). One little negative experience and I am ready to keep my band top secret. (*side note* --> I am freaken married and I am NOT ok with being big)...so now, the lady at work has been the only person I have told outside of family...my best friends don't even know...I feel like I could bust.

While at the same time I wish I could throw out lap bands like beads at a Marti Gras Parade. I wanna have a lap band parade.

4. I feel like the lap band confirmed all the mean stuff said to me by mean people in my past. I know this is stupid but, why do we hang so tightly to the most ugly things said to us? Why does it matter that an ex-boyfriend called me fat (FIVE years ago!)? So in my mind in a really sick convoluted way I just confirmed my fatness by getting the lap band...because after all if I weren't fat, then I could not have gotten the lap band.

5. Like a weenie...I am such a p***y when it comes to pain, but because this surgery is elective I feel like no one has given me the sufficient amount of sympathy that I so desire. I know sound stupid...but dang this crap hurts!

6. Because I have been thin before, I know that people treat you differently. I have been thinking a lot about that. I have been thinking a lot about how I will handle that THIS TIME. I am in school studying for my doctorate and I am excited to feel good about myself. I have also thought about how this time I will not let the "skinny monster" surface - you know the horrible weird personality change that can occur and has happened to me before when people loose weight.

Ok...that is all...I must go take a shower.

[ucdog94 0]

be happy for yourself, you are lucky you now have the tool you need to be healthy and happy. Don't let anyone get you down. People can be so mean, think of this part of your life as a new start and enjoy every day. Good luck!!

[#MagicWithinme 173]

Everything you wrote, I have felt most of it, and its ok to release all those emotions, if even to your mom who soun ds very supportive, don't think about the past, its time to look to a bright new future for the new you (and me!)

[journey4me 23]

You are actually facing an issue you have had and taking it head on!!! Congrats to you for making such a brave decision. That tells me that no matter what others think (even a nasty ex-boyfriend, who thankfully for you is an ex!) that you are a strong woman. Now you need to own that! Do not take what others have said to you that have been painful to heart...you need to look at their negative, mean personalities and a problem they have not you! We can only own what we create ourselves! I know that I am in no way responsible for others, just my own behavior. So it seems to me that you are taking charge of your life! Although you may have feelings of guilt please know that you have made a great decision for you, not for anyone else this is for you! Be happy for you, you are obviously a strong person, you just might not know it yet! Hold your head high and know you are very brave and the right person for you. You come first! Do not let others dictate who you are or who you want to be!

[Mommyto4 2]

Get it all out girl!!! You have to sometimes...Now use it to make you mad and be "a girl on a mission"! I am very happily married for 12 years and my husband adores me, just like I am, however I DON'T! I got a lapband for me, and to help myself out of this weight battle. No one but my Mom and my very best friend knows, not even my children! It is a private battle for me, and its not everyone's business why you decided to do this! I live in Louisiana, and for the record, I'd love to attend a Mardi Gras Parade where Lap Bands are thrown like beads Keep your head up and use all of these emotions to your benefit, to make you be focused...and then when you are exactly where you feel "skinny"...Buy some new clothes and flaunt it sista! Haha, good luck to us all! Keep your head up.

[Twillwood 17]

Thank you so much for everyone's responses. Thank the Lord for this message board, right?! I feel like I would lose my mind without this place.

Side notes:

I went and had my hair colored (needed to get my gray covered) and trimmed today. After my appointment I went to GNC to check out their Protein shakes because I am paranoid about getting all my Protein in. Anyhoo...so the young (and buff) sales guy was helping me and I was trying to explain to him how I needed some super Protein Shakes and I just blurted out that I have just been banded. Just like that...I was like, "look I just got the lap band and I am so nervous about protein". It was one of those moments where I was like, OMG, did I really just say that out loud!? Surprisingly he was sooooo nice about it. So that was a very positive experience. I was honest and straight forward and the person didn't even flinch.

However, the most awesome part of my day occurred when I went to pick my daughter up from school. When she got in the car she looked at the slacks and the shirt I was wearing and told me how nice I looked. She then told me that it was nice to see me in something besides workout clothes. Yoga pants and Nike running suit jackets had become my uniform just because I could no longer fit into my regular clothes. I had been running around the last couple of months as the workout imposter. It's nice to be fitting into regular slacks again (even if they are my "big" pants). Hurray for small victories!

You all are right...I am strong. I AM facing my lifelong battle with my weight head on and by-gosh, this time I will win. I will get to be healthy, I will have more energy, more confidence, and the comfort of knowing that my band is there to help me.

Hugs...no, I take that back...Hive-fives all around!!!

[123crod 170]

I really do not understand why people feel the need to keep it quite? Even with you best friends? I know everything about my best friends and the same for them with me. One of my best friends has never weighed more than 105 lbs in her life.

You sound like you need someone to talk to about so many emotions. Why not the best friends? Or maybe go see a therapist. I did 3 years with a therapist and it did help to get everything out in the open. I am not saying its not okay to keep it to yourself . . . but maybe it would help to tell a few people you feel comfortable with. I think it helps when you do not keep everything inside, I think it make us feel alone in whatever we feel. Just my feelings.

Cheri

[1shauna1 129]

I have felt many of the emotions you mentioned. I remember what it was like being slim, and how at the time I worried about my weight (stupidly)....I know that I most likely won't get back there (can I get my 18 year old body back at 40 after being overweight most of those 22 years? I dunno). I have told my friends and they are incredibly supportive but I do hesitate to mention it to people at work (I started my job after being banded so none of them know I had a surgery or anything)....not sure of their reactions....but do I really care? I did this for myself and my future, no one else. I know the people who support me and am very grateful for them. But I worry about negative reactions too. I too remember all the times my ex made remarks about my weight (he was a jerk in other ways, but I still remember him saying he didn't want to date someone with bigger arms than him....maybe that is HIS issue!). Just remember you did this for you and your family! It will be worth it!