It's My (Pity) Party ... I'll Cry If I Want To ...

[Phranp 46]

I'm actually writing with the hope that I can shut down this (pity) party before it turns into a big ole (pity) bash. LOL

Here's the deal: I have been banded since June 2009 and happy with my slow (but steady -- kind of) progress. Everytime I ran into an obstacle to reaching my goal I would leap over it (i.e., back surgery and spinal stenosis prohibits strenuous exercise so I started physical therapy to strengthen my back muscles so that I can step up my exercise). Had a recurrence of stuttering episodes due to lack of oxygen to the brain so made a visit to my PCP who added yet another med to keep me awake -- Ritalin (in addition to Nuvigil 250 mg.). No matter what came up, I kept pushing forward. I was (am) bound and determined not to lose sight of my goal: weight loss for better health and a long happy life. I have been feeling so poorly for the past 3 months with extensive respiratory problems that I had to cut my walking exercise to a minimum -- some mornings I cannot go walking at all ... because I am wheezing so badly.

All the exercise, the physical therapy, the "wake up" meds, and still I am exhausted every single day. I could sleep the entire weekend and still feel tired on Monday -- though not quite as tired, until the evening. I found a neurologist who ran several tests which resulted in a visit to my endocrinologist to biopsy the "masses" the neuro found on my thyroid. Good news the "nodules" (as my endo calls them) are begnign. My neuro sent me back to my endo for more tests, I see him on Monday. She aked me to give up beef, chicken, pork, scavenger fish, butter, Pasta, cheese and salt. She had already taken me off of all artificial sweetners, i.e., Splenda, Equal, Sweet & Low, etc. She doesn't like Stevia but I must have something. I didn't kick about the "artificial" sweetners because they give me spasms in my body, which she said could turn into seizures with continued use of the sweetners.

In the meantime, because I already know that I am not breathing at night and cannot tolerate my CPAP (I even changed the settings, no luck) because I awake in respiratory distress (asthma); I decided to see a pulmonary doc. I saw him on January 3 and I went in for a pulmonary function test on January 11. Well, the test results floored me. I was aware that I have asthma (obstructive lung disease), but I learned that I also have restrictive lung disease (I won't know which one until I see my pulmonary doc this coming Thursday). The test results show that my lung capacity is a 50%! 50%! WTH?!?!?!? This means that if I am at 50% while awake, and I have even less lung capacity while asleep! Hence the lack of oxygen to the brain problems (stuttering, inability to focus, memory loss, crippling exhaustion, etc.). I don't even SMOKE!! My sis and bro smoke, my dad smoked ... but not ME!! Why am I the one with lung disease?!?!??! I have been keeping a positive attitude since I learned of this, but last night was a bad night spent coughing and choking. I overslept, arrived at work 40 minutes late and realized that, in my haste, I had forgotten to take my meds! I am so tired I could FAINT. I will definitely take a nap at lunch time. For the moment though, I am grumpy and ... yeah, feeling sorry for myself -- hence the pity party.

Okay ... enough kicking and screaming and acting like I'm the only person on earth with problems. Time to show my faith and be patient. I am believing I will receive a good report from the doctor on Thursday. Time to be thankful for what I have and to do what it takes to maintain the weight I have lost even when my emotions are screaming "get in the lifeboat, it's filled with Cookies, and cake, and ice cream, and chocolate ... it will make EVERYTHING ALRIGHT" --- NOT!!! It's a struggle, but now is the time to show myself that I really have made a lifestyle change. Eating is not going to change my condition. But pushing through the frustration and fear, and maintaining my diet and exercising as much as I can will help me feel better about myself when the doc tells me that this lung thing is curable and I will be as good as new in just a little while. My weightloss will be back on track in no time.

[Exhaling] Writing this post was pretty cathartic... my body is still exhausted, but my mind and soul feel better. Thanks for reading. I will go to bed early tonight and hopefully be sane (or more sane, if you will) when I awake in the morning.

Hope everyone is having a great day. I live in L.A. and the weather is beautiful today -- something to be thankful for.

Thanks again.

~Fran

[journey4me 23]

I am sorry you are so down, and your perseverance is awesome! If you can do what you have done, you are definitely someone who can do this too. I consider food my drug and like you I wouldn't smoke because I know it's not good for me and unhealthy. So in that same thought I'm done using food as my drug. I have been through a lot of medical issues too many to talk about, but I am a strong person and proud of it! I can do this and so can you. Get some sleep and you will make it!

[xavier 153]

I feel terrible for you but it looks like you do have the strength to keep on pushing! Most people on here who have a pity party just need a bitchslap (just my opinion) but you have some really serious medical conditions and I think a weaker person would have quit by now! Keep on struggling...I think you have it in you to succeed. PS: I never exercised and I still did lose al my weight...I am just lazy though so you are inspiring me!

[Phranp 46]

Thanks for the support.

@journey: Are you finding that weight loss is improving your health problems?

@xavier: LMAO @ "just need a bitchslap". For me to lose weight without exercise, for me, is virtually impossible. The less I move, the less my metabolism moves. LOL My "fat stores" are very stubborn and very comfortable. But during this difficult time I believe that if I can restrict my food intake drastically, I might see some results. I'm not giving up.

You are both right, I CAN DO THIS!

Thanks again.

~Fran

[readytogoforit 172]

hope you won't mind if I pray for you. thank you for working so hard!

[Phranp 46]

hope you won't mind if I pray for you. thank you for working so hard!

Mind? Not at all, and thank you so much. I can use all the prayer warriors I can get. We both know: "No weapon ... "

~Fran

[stateofzen 46]

You're in my thoughts and prayers Fran-- you are an amazing person and you will get through this.

[123crod 170]

I will be praying too. God is good and He is with you as you go through all of this. Weight loss can be slow that is okay right now you have more to be concern with. Let your body heal and then you can step up the weightloss.

Cheri

[Phranp 46]

Thank you Zen and 123crod I truly appreciate your support and prayers.

I am glad that I posted about this, I debated the merits of me doing so, wasn't sure it would make a difference. I am thrilled to say that it has made a BIG difference and I am feeling more and more positive about my situation.

Thank you everyone!

~Fran

[Kellymenefee 10]

I am not only amazed by your preservence, but humbled by it as well. You are an amazing woman, and a true testament in resiliency and strength. Hang in there sister....we're all praying for you!!

Kelly

[horsegirl315 114]

Mind? Not at all, and thank you so much. I can use all the prayer warriors I can get. We both know: "No weapon ... "

~Fran

Isaiah 54:17 you are in my thoughts and prayers as well Fran, it sounds like you have the will, and that, as we all know, is half the battle!

[elcee 3,340]

Fran that is awful. It just doesn't seem fair. What nasty deeds did you do in one of your previous lives to deserve all that?

beef, chicken, pork, scavenger fish, butter, Pasta, cheese and salt.

If you have to give up all these what are you allowed to eat? It doesn't seem to leave a hell of a lot?

I love your positive attitude. The fact that you have been dealt such a horrible hand yet you can still appreciate the positive things.

Hope things start getting better soon.

[lellow 1,713]

Fran,

it's one thing to lose weight when you have nothing impeding you, it's hard enough then. But when you're struggling with other factors and still not losing focus (most of the time), and still losing (slowly or not, it doesn't matter), not only are you entitled to your pity party, but you also deserve a mighty big pat on the back for being an inspiration to others.

xxx

[Phranp 46]

All of you are an inspiration to me! I'm not about to give up!

Your support and prayers mean the world to me.

Yesterday was not one of my better days ... I made it to church but I couldn't seem to get moving afterward. Finally I gave in and spent the afternoon resting.

I have 3 doc appointments today. The first is this morning with my ortho. His office is in the Marina so I am leaving home early to walk at the park near his office. Wish me luck!

@elcee ... Not a past life ... more like something I did in my "misguided youth". LOL!

This is the park in the Marina. Hope I did this right and you can see it ...

[sandybraman 18]

Phranp, I am absolutely in awe of you - I think its amazing that you are persevering with your weight loss when you have medical issues that you're dealing with. I'm certainly not that strong and I couldn't do it without wallowing in self-pity (and lots of ice cream).

So you are in my thoughts and prayers, too. You have lots of people here who are supportive and will listen whenever you need to vent.