Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever - so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence? I think not!

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular _expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Cute. I needed a chuckle this morning.

These are very funny. I particularly like the one about the weasel!

If I'm not mistaken, some of these are part of Steven Wright's stand-up act.

I LOVE him.

I think this is my favorite... lol

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

Very cute! I sent these to my Nana. She lives for this stuff now that she has discovered the internet! LOL! Thanks Donali!

I heard one recently that I just laughed my butt off with.

"Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute. Light him on Fire and he'll be hot for the rest of his life."

Ok...so it is a two liner, but it one of my favorites lately.

Amy