so sorry its long.... I'm so scared and confused...

Well, it goes something like this... day 1- mess up... I tell myself... I'll do better tomorrow....day 2- start well, mess up, I'll do better tomorrow.... fast forward to the end and 3 out of 14 days I stayed under 1350 calories. I never stayed under 1200 like I was told to. Holy cow if I had the ability why would I need surgery?!!!! There were a few days when I panicked and ate a lot... a lot... thinking... I'll never be able to do this again!!!

Wow, I thought I was so so so ready! I've been in counseling for my eating disorder for years. I've told myself... I AM READY! But, If I can't make it through the pre-op diet, am I?! Tomorrow my fasting starts...liquids only. Wednesday a.m. is my surgery. I'm wondering if I shouldn't go through with it. Most of my friends say... don't worry, you will do fine because you KNOW you can't mess up after its done. I made the mistake of reading postings where people had written that they had no pre-op diet. That was all I needed to tell myself... if they didn't...then why should I? I had other friends tell me... omg! go out there and eat whatever you want! its your last chance!! Again, all I needed...someone gave me permission to cheat...so I did. If I can't make it on this liquid fast for the next 3 days... I'm postponing the surgery. Obviously its some sort of sabotage. Am I just scared? IS there some part of me that I haven't acknowledged that doesn't want this? I was so sure, so convinced I was ready!

Why am I doing this to myself? Why am I so scared when all I want is to be healthy! For goodness sakes I work out like crazy and am even in TWO nutrition classes. Why can't I keep the dang food out of my mouth!!!??? My counselor says I'm addicted to food... that it is my comfort. I lead a very stressful, often lonely, life. Food has always been my friend. I have to say goodbye and yet, handle it EVERY day of my life and not take part in it (at least most of the stuff I like anyhow and very little of every thing else). At least alcoholics and drug addicts can stay away from it, keep it out of the house, not go to clubs, etc. I can't escape food. My husband, I swear he's been sabotaging me as well....bringing home all my favorite things....allowing me to cheat.... Maybe he doesn't want me to lose weight? I'm terrified...absolutely terrified. I'm very angry at myself for failing repeatedly over the years...that I couldn't do it on my own. OMG I think I'm resenting this surgery! I'm pissed at myself. Angry for failing, angry for being weak, angry for being angry. this sucks.

Last week a young woman died at our local hospital. The doctor that told me (my ortho...btw I now need knee surgery and have arthritis in my upper spine... grrrr)...that that woman had had the Lap band surgery a few weeks prior to her death. That scared the crap out of me. I have children to take care of!!!!! I can't leave them! Is this selfish to take that risk?

What the heck am I doing?

I just heard about that from a friend of a friend.... that after surgery she wanted NOTHING to do with food. Right now I'm on day 2 of liquid fasting but its not just clear... I can have my shakes and soup with no "chunks" etc... I only have to be on clear for 3 days post op and then liquids for 10 more days, then its on to "mush" as I call it. I haven't cheated yet...but I have to tell you... I DO get hunger pains and it is hard to sleep at night w/ my tummy grumbling. How do you sleep at night?

I don't know if this will help or aggravate you, but my doctor didn't have any sort of pre-surgery diet. I was told not to gain any weight, but that was it.

The reason I'm saying this is I've been on clear liquids for the past week and I've really done fine, I haven't messed up even once. So it wasn't like I was used to clear liquids before I had the surgery, kwim? In general after surgery you don't WANT to eat because your innards are so sore and swollen.

The liquid diet is tough, no matter what kind of diet it is. This is how I looked at it, it was 8 pounds that I lost and will hopefully never see again, after day 3 it wasn't that bad and I got used to it. And honestly it prepares you for after surgery. It sucks and I won't lie I messed up twice BUT I always jumped right back on the next day or even the next hour and my surgery was fine! Good luck with everything, you're going to do fine!

I noticed today that its not so hard. I feel like I have less energy but that could be because I haven't been sleeping well...anxiety I think. What I realized through this is that I have a LOT more will power than I would have EVER given myself credit for. Its a big reassurance going into this that I can do this. It just took getting scared is all! I don't feel so guilty about messing up the 2 week "diet" since I know that the feelings I had are quite normal (the panic, etc...). Not being angry helps. But i can tell you this.... by the end of the liquid phase I will probably never touch sugar free Jello, butternut squash soup, or Naked brand juices again. LOL

The liquid diet is tough, no matter what kind of diet it is. This is how I looked at it, it was 8 pounds that I lost and will hopefully never see again, after day 3 it wasn't that bad and I got used to it. And honestly it prepares you for after surgery. It sucks and I won't lie I messed up twice BUT I always jumped right back on the next day or even the next hour and my surgery was fine! Good luck with everything, you're going to do fine!