Hi, all. I am not necessarily looking for replies...just had to get this out. I also am not looking for pity. If you have been through a loss like this, please feel free to reply or PM.

Today I lost my best friend. I have known him for 7 years. We had a disagreement the other day and he does not want to let it go. He said that I am poison to him and that because of me being in his life, he is now a negative person who hates himself. He said he is scared of me and that I make him anxious. He said that I am mean. Next week he is going to see a therapist because I have apparently caused him more damage than anyone ever has. Why would he have kept me as a friend for all these years if that is how he feels? Why the hell did he not tell me?

At holidays, we'd always do something together, even if that something was not being with our families. We traveled a lot together all over the world.

I have never caused him any bodily harm (or anyone else, actually). He absolutely refuses to talk to me and he even brought my stuff from his house over here and took all of his stuff from my house. NOTE: We were bf/gf for a few years, but have not been so since 2005, but the friendship continued. Also note that he works for himself and I help him with the business. That also is likely gone forever. He knows things about me that NO ONE else knows...and the same goes for him.

I have this man in my will, for goodness sakes. He is the sole beneficiary for every last thing I have - including my cats. MY CATS. They are more important to me than anything else and to someone who has no other friends, this is huge.

I am devastated and I feel physically sick over losing his friendship. I have to put on a happy face at work, where my job is tentative at best right now...but I am miserable. All I can do at home is cry. I had chicken thawing in the sink for three days...had to throw it out because I forgot about it. It is NOT like me to be so casual about food.

Not to be flip about any of this, but another part is that I cannot put a bit of food in my freaking mouth. DAMMIT. I have another visit with the surgeon on Tuesday and LOSING weight is NOT what I need right now. He was also the ONLY person I told about wanting to be banded...and he was to take care of me after surgery (if I actually would get it). Though he was not fat, he would at least listen to my blabbing about the surgery and how much I want it. At least I have the boards here to feel like I have a little social interaction other than at work.

Sorry for the rant, but I truly have no one else to talk to. I do not have any other friends, just slight acquaintances. It is hard for me to make friends, but when I do, I am all-in, as it were.

I am NOT suicidal or anything like that...and I would never do anything to hurt him in any way.

I just really, really want my friend back so very much. If I thought that I could do something to fix this, I would do it. Anything. That is not what he wants, though...so I guess a true friend would just let him go so that he could get well mentally.

I'll do that for him, but I would be happier with him in my life again.

Oh, and sorry for the lack of composition here, but I am a little distraught.

I think we are to have friends for a seasion. And then we are to move on. Although it is quite painful at the time, years later I have been able to look back and see that in fact it was a good thing. I was able to grow in ways that would have not been possible had the friendship not ended. I believe all things happen for a reason.

Is it possible that there is another reason all together he freaked out? I know when I feel stress from outside sources, I often lash out at those I love the most.

Maybe you should write him an email explaining that didn't know he felt this way but that you would like to work through the issues and change. And after you send it, give him space and time.

I feel like if it's that dramatic of a snap, he might come around after he realizes he over reacted or took his frustrations out on the wrong person. I hope so!

Best of luck.

*sigh*

I feel a little better about things after nearly a week, but I still do hope that he comes around eventually. If he did snap, then maybe things will get better,

He still has to figure out what will happen with the business, so I know I will hear from him at least one more time. Let's just hope that things work out for us both.

It sure is lonely, though. My phone has not rung in days. ((insert crying, pathetic emoticon here))