My husband and i are both over weight and have been our entire lives. I am scheduled to be banded on January 14. He has his first doctors appointment on January 19. I love the idea of going through this process with best friend...being able to eat the same way and support each other through this. My concern, and it is hard to approach this with him ( he sees it as me wanting to go get skinny and not wanting him to take my thunder...which is insane btw, I want my husband to get healthy and live a long and full life with me) That said, I am a nurturer and by nature I just take care of him/spoil him . I am concerned that if he gets banded around the same time as me, he will expect me to do it for him...tell him what to eat, tell him when to exercise etc. i do the cooking now and he eats what i cook. But we have done weight watchers together in the past and he has no idea how to do it...he totally relied on me. I just dont know if I am strong enough to do this for the both of us. He has made a few comments about me getting skinny and finding a skinny man. AS IF!!!) I hope that he is wanting to get the surgery for the right reasons and not due to any insecurities he might have. Any thoughts??? I would like to thank everyone on this site for all of the great questions and answers provided, things that i would not have thought of and a lot of my fears have been put at ease. So...THANKS GUYS!

I think he's feeling left out of this process and sees it as a way of connecting with you. But why would his surgery be the same time as yours if his first appointment is on the 19th? Or is he going to self pay?

I would just tell him in a nice and loving way, sweetie I'm so excited that we're both getting this done, let's just make sure we're both well versed in all of this incase one or the other of us needs some help or encouragement through this, or heaven forbid, if anything were to go wrong.

Tell him you want to be able to care for him when the time comes for him to have his surgery and that you won't be able to give him the care he needs until you're around 6 weeks to 2 months post-op. But it's important for him to understand all of it so he can properly care for you as you recooperate.

Then make fun couple time out of studying and quizzing each other on the process, healthy choices, etc.. whatever topics you feel need to be covered.

Hope that helps.

As you take this journery each of you will be required to have a psych consult. I would highly recommend that the two of you have at least a couple of sessions together as well as individually. It will help prepare you as individuals and as a couple for this change.

ymjackson, thanks so much for that reply...if I can just him to understand that the support has to go both ways, I think we will be fine. I am just thinking about all the what ifs and how the surgery might affect our realtionship. I look forward to a more active life with him...o to be able to hike our trails without the back and joint pain . His appointment is on the 19 but has the referrels for the psychologist and nutritionist and pulminologist...appointments all within that same week. He is trying to get his surgery done around the same time as mine due to insurance. Fortunately our insurance doesnt run from Jan to Jan...If he can get done soon, our family max out of pocket will have already been met so all he will have to pay for is his copays. Kinda a 2for1...lol! I think he has til March though...

I don't know what it will be like for you and exactly what your relationship is with your husband, but can speak from my own situation.

I would think it would be easier if you were both banded.

My husband has never been overweight in his life. I still cook for him, as I have done for over 23 years. Now sometimes I am cooking 2 different things .... food for him and food for me. It just seems like it would be so much nicer to have a bandbuddy living in the same house.

Tina,

That is a really great suggestion. I think that he would be receptive to that too. Thank you!!!

Hummingbird, I think you are probably right about that. Since i cook anyway, it would be great to only have to cook the one thing. I hope that having the band will really motivate him to eat less and move more. Right now, if I put a small portion on his plate he acts like I am the bad guy being mean to him. Its funny really...and I dont dare say the word exercise. We have recently aquired my most favorite peice of workout equipment....a Boxer named Roxie. She drags me around that block like there is no tomorrow. Maybe i should tie her to him and turn her loose! Bless his heart...

Well, I've got to say, my husband has done exactly this.

He saw it work for me, I know on a conscious level he knew I worked hard at it, but I do think at some level he thought it was magic and would be for him too.

The preop period was exactly like you're fearing. He had this surgery and then took NO responsibility and made NO decisions about what he'd eat. He expected me to be in charge of it all. I did but I couldnt believe that anyone could have surgery and then leave it up to someone else to feed them. Only a man could do that, I'm sorry to insult any male readers but its true. Its so fricken' typical. He can go to work and manage a multimillion dollar corporation but he cant read a list of diet instructions and make any decisions about what to eat. It would make me mad if it wasnt so pathetic.

Nowadays though its not so much that I have to tell him what to eat, but its the exercise thing. He expects me to do everything bar the actual exercise for him, and consequently he's lost a good 60lb and is fairly healthy now (he only had a BMI of about 34, same as me at 36) but he hasnt had the result I've had withou the exercise.

The trouble is, he came to it a good 3 years after me. He seems to think its not possible to exercise on your own. He needs me with him if he's going to do a thing. Trouble is, I dont consider walking exercise anymore, its something I do on a day I"m not exercising, if I feel a bit under the weather etc. But he's not prepared to put in the effort to run or do circuit training or anything (he always was terribly terribly wimpy about stuff like this). So what? I give up my exercise time to do somethign that doesnt challenge me in the slightest, knowing that even if I do, four nights out of seven he'll wimp out, make an excuse etc. I'm not going to do that!

I'm having a bit of a vent, it doesnt really cause tension between us because deep down, he's not interested in exercise anyway. I just figure i'm not his mother and his journey is his journey.

I find the more pressing issue is that its exactly like when you try to diet together. One of you breaks out the chocolate just when the other has decided to be "good".

But its also good. I tend to chronically underfeed those around me, my poor kids are always half starved because I serve such tiny meals! At least it suits DH as well!

Edited December 28, 200916 yr by Jachut

Well, I've got to say, my husband has done exactly this. The preop period was exactly like you're fearing. He had this surgery and then took NO responsibility and made NO decisions about what he'd eat. He expected me to be in charge of it all. I did but I couldnt believe that anyone could have surgery and then leave it up to someone else to feed them.The trouble is, he came to it a good 3 years after me. He seems to think its not possible to exercise on your own. He needs me with him if he's going to do a thing. Trouble is, I dont consider walking exercise anymore, its something I do on a day I"m not exercising, if I feel a bit under the weather etc. But he's not prepared to put in the effort to run or do circuit training or anything (he always was terribly terribly wimpy about stuff like this). So what? I give up my exercise time to do somethign that doesnt challenge me in the slightest, knowing that even if I do, four nights out of seven he'll wimp out, make an excuse etc. I'm not going to do that! QUOTE]

Your reality is my biggest fear. I am not a huge fan of working out, but i can only hope that as the weight comes off and it doesnt hurt my back and joints as much that I will appreciate it more and grow to atleast like it. I just dont know if I can endure the fight that will occur every day when i head out to exercise and he "whines" about going. It is very aggrevating to thing that the person who should be my biggest supporter could potentially be the one that henders me the most. I can only go off of the way he has been in the past, and feel a bit guilty thinking that he will be "that" guy. I can only hope that with us going through the surgery within only a few months of each other that he find his own fire...if ya know what i mean. As much as I do like cooking for him and having that role in our relationship, I feel like it might be in our best interest to take a step back in the beginnning. Have the food in the house, but take turns preparing it, but handle our own portions. (Would his be different that mine?) I may really be over thinking this, but I really want to be as mentally prepared for this process as possible. I am so ready to get started! So you have been banded for 3 years? Have either of you had any problems? How old are your kids? I hope to conceive shortly after i hit my year from Band date! We shall see.... and Thanks so much for your input!

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I think having your spouse banded would be nice because like the previous poster wrote, eating the same is less work for you.

But it sounds like there are issues that really dont have to do with the band. I wont go into it as you know what is going on and like you said, you are a nurturer.

My situation is different and I hope you can get some value from it. My baby lost a lot of weight but did it himself without surgery. He now owns his own fitness studio and trains people. He has been sweet so far, but I can tell he really doesnt understand my decision.

Having two people doing things differently is harder. We have to work much harder at keeping the communication going between us.

I think having your spouse banded would be nice because like the previous poster wrote, eating the same is less work for you.

But it sounds like there are issues that really dont have to do with the band. I wont go into it as you know what is going on and like you said, you are a nurturer.

My situation is different and I hope you can get some value from it. My baby lost a lot of weight but did it himself without surgery. He now owns his own fitness studio and trains people. He has been sweet so far, but I can tell he really doesnt understand my decision.

Having two people doing things differently is harder. We have to work much harder at keeping the communication going between us.

I know he is very dependant on me for a lot of things....we both work and have been married for right at 7 years. I guess it goes all the way back to my mom being a housewife and all my dad had to do was go to work and cut the grass. Recognition is the first step right...haha! I hope that through all of this, our relationship grows while we do the shrinking! I am planning on talking to him, i really just wanted to get another perspective. I definitely can see where doing 2 different diets/workout plans can be much harder. He might not understand now your method...but I am sure he will appreicate the results when you are all skinny! :thumbup: I would love it if my hubby would do something like that that your husband did! I think that after it is all said and done we are both going to be healthier and happier. If we can just go in with a plan of attack! Good luck in your process.

I've been banded 4, he's been banded 18 months or so, we were quite a long way apart. I was well and truly at goal by the time DH got his.

that's the trouble, I was also 3 years fitter than him. So for me to exercise with him, I'd be taking a huge backward step. I'm selfish with my exercise, its my time, my headspace, and I dont want to share it with anyone, unless they're going to have the same approach to it as I do.

For this reason, it doesnt really cause any problems. He doesnt truly want to do it anyway, and I'n not going to wait around while he pretends he does, so basically, we dont exercise together. We dont fight over it because really, we both like it that way.

You are so lucky to have spouses wanting to get banded also. When I started the process he said he would follow after. Now he says he won't do the sleep apnea testing and that's that. That alone will keep him from getting banded. i am very disappointed, but I can't do this for him, he has to make the decision himself. Hopefully after I get banded in the Spring, he will change his mind.

Keep spoiling that hubby and nurture him to pieces. You both will be so happy afterwards.

cat, i hope just because your husband is letting the testing stand in his way, maybe when he see you getting healthy he can do it with...maybe you will be all the motivation he needs! I am currently trying to get the sleep apnea test done...but for personal reasons...hahah! He keeps me awake snoring every night and OOOooh how i long to sleep the entire night with my husband by my side. I really think he has a mild case of sleep apnea. I just hope he will get it taken care of before it gets worse. I on the other hand have not had to go for a sleep apnea test and my surgery date is on the 14 of Jan. I hope they dont slide that in on me at last minute. Thanks for the nice words and keep me posted on your process!

Thanks krst. I hope he changes his mind too. I think he is mostly concerned after watching me struggle with the darn C Pap machine. Now I am accustomed to it after finding the correct mask etc., but he still at this point can't see himself having to use it himself. he is a very stubborn head strong minded person, so time will tell.

Edited December 31, 200916 yr by catmom50

Aww, what a tough spot to be in. Sounds to me like the biggest problem might potentially be a breakdown in communication.

It sounds as though he has some insecurities that he needs to work through. You can give him all the reassurance in the world, but until he works through them himself, it's not going to do much good.

I would encourage you to lay it all on the table, in a non-confrontational way. Politely express your concerns.... ask him what his thoughts are, and what he's expecting to come out of your surgery, etc. Reinforce the fact that you guys are a team.... and that you both need eachother to depend on for support, etc.

It's fantastic if he wants to get the band and improve his health.... but only if he's doing it for the RIGHT reasons.

Good luck, I hope you guys get everything squared away.