want_so_bad

YES! i know i am sabotaging myself. without a doubt in my mind. its the whole idea of being that close to goal. i know that just sounds stupid. it sounds stupid to my own ears when i hear myself saying. but thats it. its SCARY to think i am just 20lbs away from what i have wanted for so long! i guess part of me worries about what i am going to look like when in get there. what if i still hate my body. silly thing is, i know i wont be happy until after the tummy tuck. things are just not going back to where they should be. oh, and the breast lift and augmentation. need that for sure too.

it is that time of the month and i am just bitchy and moody and feel like crap in general. i want to cry and scream and sleep. i dont really have anyone to boo-hoo to so i thought i would here in hopes of someone else having been through these feelings and finding a way to work through it. i have been on a self-induced plateau now for months. three weeks ago i finally had a much needed fill. i fully anticipated that this was gonna be it, i would tight again and start losing. yeah, that isnt happening. i haven't noticed a change whatsoever! it has really thrown me into a funk. i have another fill scheduled for wed. its not like i have to wait forever or anything. i dont know what is wrong with me. i want to cry. i am so frustrated with myself! i set up my cross-bow (generic bow-flex), did great a week or so, and over the last 4 days, nothing. i hooked up the wagon type thing i bought for my daughter to my bike, took a ride thrusday evening, and havent touched it again since then. thought about it plenty over the weekend, but that doesnt do a damn bit of good does it now? my eating....not good. have been eating around the band, trying to comfort myself. how freakin stupid. its not comforting me. its making me worse! i sure in the hell dont feel better afterwards. today i was making a pathetic attempt at eating better. ordered a turkey wrap, ate 1/2 of it with the wrap and then ate the turkey out of the other half. why do i feel so quilty for that? why am i doing this to myself? how freakin stupid can i be? i am so close to being at goal... so close.... i want it so bad. ok, so. now that i have this all out i am gonna do something about it. i am riding that bike tonight with my kids. i am gonna lift those weights. and i am gonna brush this off and continue on instead of wallowing in this. right. right? right....

snowbird-- holy cow! way to go! 7 lbs from goal. i am so proud of you! that is awesome. dont you feel so much better? i know i do, even though i still am 20 away from goal. i really want to be there by our one year date too! these last pounds are hanging on. well, i am letting them sit there more like it. but not now! you have inspired me to get my butt back in gear. i am like you too, in the maintaining. it is great for me to see that i CAN stay at a decent weight. part of me was scared that i would start gaining. but i have been at the same weight for quite some time now. congrats again!

i have some things i need to get back to being committed to as well. maybe posting with you will help me with accountibility. 1) stop drinking my calories. no more pink lemonade unless it is of the crystal light variety. i got into a bad habit of stopping for a big lemonade every morning before work. this will also help the pocket book! that $1.35 will add up! 2) be more faithful in working out. stop making pathetic excuses to not do it. i know i feel better when i do it, so just do it. plus, its good for the kids, and the 4-h lambs! 3) measure my food. eyeballing it is not working. until i get into the losing mode again, i must measure. yes, this means bringing my measuring cup with me again, and getting weird looks, but it will be worth it! well, those are the few i can think of that have been really buggin me lately. they seem like a good place to start.

i was talking to the pharmacist about taking Biotin because i heard it was good for hair/nails and skin. he told me that for it to really work well it needed to be taken with a B-complex Vitamin. he then told me it was better to just take a prenatal vitamin. that it had everything i needed in it. i was going to just buy the ones you can get over the counter, but he had some behind the counter you dont need an rx for. just a thought....

the other day my sil told me she wished she had my arms! can you believe that? i am still in shock and i get this big smile just thinkin about it. i have had this fear about my arms being gross, so i have been trying to lift weights and, although i could be better about it, it must be working to a point! i was showing her my crossbow (generic bowflex) and she was telling me how she got a bowflex and then she pointed out to her husband how great (still in shock) my arms looked and she wanted to look like that. sorry to blab on, i just cant believe it. and then, sunday, my mom told me how skinny my legs are getting too! i had kinda noticed the same thing, but thought it was just my imagination. but its not. now if i could just lose this belly.....

well here it is july already. can you believe it? our 9 month marks will be coming up. i decided i would start another month-mark check in thread. not much progress to share :smile2:. but its totally my fault. and i think, finally, today, i am ready to own that and get my butt back into gear. i got that fill a couple weeks ago. at first i didnt think it had done anything at all for me, but as the days have past i find it working more. what was my normal restiction-super tight in a.m., slowly loosen through the day, and none at night-has changed to tight in a.m., loosened by lunch, tight again at night. i am not quite used to the change yet so i havent decided which way i like better. its nice to have restriction at night though, as i was having problems eating correctly at night when i got home. i havent really gotten into exercising either, which pisses me off. oh i do it here and there. but i am queen of excuses lately. and i dont like it. so again, today, i have resolved to be on top of this and get into gear. i have plans to walk with a friend tomorrow night. that helps me so much, to have a workout buddy. i hate to let her down so i know i will go! hope everyone is doing good/better. keep you chin up, we will get there!

Name..............Current.....Goal......Lost..... Babs0101...........185.........170.......0....... FloridaGirl........235.........215.......0....... HeatherO...........172.........155.......0....... Lunabeane..........221.........200.......0....... Luu2008............219.........189.......0....... luvinke............206.........190.......0....... NANAbanded.........225.........199.......0....... Ollie..............242.........210.......0....... Renewedhope........179.........155.......0....... slgandera..........185.........173.......0....... StartingOver.......220.........205.......0....... want_so_bad.............170..............155............0..........

i have posted a few times about how my boobs are shrinking. but for the love of all that is good in this freakin world, i am now a flippin A cup. yes, that is right, i said A cup. wth? i just cant believe this! an A. an A! an A! sob, sob, hiccup, sob... it was bad enough just knowing the girls were gone. but actually KNOWING now, it just really sucks. before i could just kid myself into thinking they werent that small. and i still have 25 lbs to go! what will they be then? omg omg omg!

for the first time since, well, ever, my weight now is BELOW what my license says! hurray! how great is that? it expires in january so i will just wait until then to get it corrected.

had my third fill the 18th. i had been scared because it was my first time under fluoro and well, i was just scared. it had been since decemeber that i had a fill and to be honest, i had needed one for probably a month or two. so...everything went great! got the port the first stick, all my previous fill as there. the fluoro went great. doc said everything looked perfect! band was sitting perfect, my pouch looked great (not stretched like i had this horrible fear of. in fact, the assistant said it is one of the smallest she has seen. go me...happy dance....go me....lol) i only got a small fill, .2cc. that first day and then the day after i thought maybe it wasnt enough, but today i feel more restriction. maybe its just going to take it a few days to take. i am so excited to get back on track and get these last 20 something pounds off!

gain the weight back? are you mad man? i dont believe that to be an option! lol... but i like the whole just see what happens idea. i am almost in some sort of panic about what shoud i eat before wednesday that i know i wont be able to with proper restriction again. i , have become lax in my eating habits. not horrid, but not like i should be, not like i was. i cheat enough that i am maintaining, no gaining. good bye to these days, GOOD RIDDENS! i am finding some excitement now about this fill!

i am 25 lbs from goal and it scares me so much! i have always been the chubby one, then the fat one... what will i do with myself when i am "normal" sized? this fear has kept me from getting the fill i have needed for the past several months. i have maintained at my current weight now for months. this is the weight i was in high school. although my body looked much different at this weight then...dang kids! i have scheduled and canceled and rescheduled my fill a few times now. it is set for wed the 18. not too far away. i am keeping it this time. does this mean maybe i am ready now? i dont know. i am really scared and nervous for this fill, which will be my 3rd. anyone else experience this? any ideas on ways to deal? thanks

i can only get in fluids until 11 or 12 and then i start to loosen up. that is just how my restriction is. it bothered me at first but i have learned that is just how MY band works. its different for everyone.

my 3rd fill is next wednesday. and i am scared to death! how stupid is that? my others fill have been fine, no problems or anything. i dont know why i am so anxious/nervous/scared about this one. i have even canceled it and rescheduled it a few times. this fill will be done w/ fluoro. maybe that is why i am nervous. i havent had it done that way since the day after surgery in october. i havent had a fill since december. it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it! whats wrong with me? i dont think there are any problems. i have been stuck for a long time without losing anything. i know i have really needed this fill for months now. ugh... i hope everything goes good. i mean, why woudnt it? sorry, just kinda thinking outloud here. i thought maybe if i wrote it out i would feel better...yeah, that not working...

when the slime you produce is "totally wicked gross" according to your 8 and 9 year old boys. (who also think we should try to sell it in those machines outside the grocery store. you know, the ones you put a quarter or two in). boys, gotta love them!

so our 8 month mark is up (or about there). how is everyone doing? i have been at the same weight now for months. i have a fill scheduled for next wed. i think that will get the ball rolling again. i am loving my progress though. i have so much more energy. i am more active outside with my kids, playing, walking, doing yardwork. i love riding my horse again! well, love it more.... i dont feel as sloppy riding. i know i still bounce in places i shouldnt, but it is better! and i love that. i really want to get this last 25 off by the end of summer so i can begin my countdown for the tummy tuck and breast lift/augmentation. even having lost 40lbs so far, i have only went down 1 size pants because of my nasty fat apron belly. its gross, makes me cry and i cant wait to be rid of the thing! hope everyone is doing great.

i am so getting the girls done! lifted and implants. as of right now, with 40lbs gone, i basically have a flap of skin with nipples! its so sad. and gross. i hate it. i really lost all of my boobs. but i just keep tellin myself that i will get them back! and they will look great! keeps me from getting depressed, lol...

i weigh 3 times a day. twice in the morning. i get up, pee, strip down, weigh. step off scale, turn on shower, get back on scale. then again at night before bed. i have issues, yes i know. i couldnt weigh when we went to vegas in april and i was having serious issues with it! first bathroom we stopped in on the drive home that had a scale i jumped right on it! it used to drive me crazy as well, the flucuations, but now i know that i will weigh 3-4lbs different am to pm and i gain anywhere up to 5lbs during that time of the month.

i am on cymbalta. i find that if i dont take it (forget a day or something) i am STARVING. it has been a great appetite supressor for me. i had a few side effects when i started taking it but they are all gone now. sometimes it takes some extra effort to orgasm, other times it doesnt. that was my biggest complaint, but even its getting better, thank goodness, lol.

i know you said you moved the rock already but i was reading an article that says if you put down layers of newspaper that the weeds/grass cant grow through it. dont know if it works, but thought i would through that out there.

i dont envy you at all! i have boys that are 8 and 9 and even though they get into the "normal" type kid trouble, some of the stuff they tell me about the kids at school, can we just say, omg? where are the parents? but i have to say, your whole "i grew up in that town, and the kids do start drinking and doing other things parents dont like to think about young because there is nothing else to do (population of about 2000, with most of them being elderly)" is bull! i grew up and live in a small rural town. there are things to do, you just have to do them. find things for the kids to do. i keep my boys busy to instill in them that there ARE better things to do with your time then to get into trouble. i want them to be involved in as much as possible at this age so they will already be involved when they are older and the trouble is more of a possibility. i know you were just saying that is how the town was/is, it just bothers me when i hear that. especially growing up in a small town! i dont mean to come down on you if thats what it seems like. hell, i even used that saying when i was a teen...we went to the party because there was nothing else to do...bull-phooey. it just happens to be what we choose to do! i hope you get things figured out that work for your daughters time away!

yes, toradol works nicely too. the last time i was in the er i was asking the nurses to just shoot me. they thought it was funny, but i was so serious! at the time anyways. i always get it the same side of my head, behind my left eye. sometimes i think that if i were so use a screwdriver and push it through my ear, it would help. oh my, desperate times! i drink lots of Water (now), but i think she was onto something with the being dehydrated because of the migraine. i know when i have one, i dont eat or drink anything. i agree with you, the pain takes so much out of me! even into the next day, i am sore all over and just feel icky, even without a headache. sometimes i get a little "normal" headache the day after, but they say that is probably because of the drugs. ok, i am still curious. where does he give you the injections? not like in his office, where on you will you get them? into what area?

your description of relpax is just what i experience too! and i dont take it unless i can be at home also. trying to work with a migraine is utter hell! every time the phone rings, or i have to get up from my desk and walk...ugh! not to mention the lights... me and percocet dont mix well. sometimes loritab helps take the edge off if i cant leave work. but it also ups the nausea, so its a trade off. my all time favorite (haha, wink wink) would have to be the shots of morphine at the emergency room. we have a new doctor at our local er (very small rural town) and she is great. never before have they started an iv to rehydrate me (she says that its typical to be dehydrated, from the vomitting--something i had never given a thought too---and it will make the headache worse) and then the little magic syringe of relief! of course i am out like a light and that way for the rest of the day and night, but sweet relief! i hate when they get that bad. i have had that kind of migraine twice since being banded. this is going to sound so stupid, but where do you get the botox injections? best of luck!

i had migraines before being banded and still have them. i say normally mine are hormone related and come with my period. but occassionaly i get them at other times. they have never been food related. i can eat or not eat any of the triggers and it has no effect. i have tried many different migraine medicines. maxalt-that disolved in my mouth. it worked a little, took the edge off anyways. imitrex, pill form, nasal spray, and injector pen. they all worked for a time, but seem to lose effectiveness. now i use relpax when one hits. it is working for now. the side effects suck, i get this heavy feeling in my arms and chest for about 1/2 hour to 45 minutes and sometimes get sleepy, sometimes not. i also feel very out of it. like i cant think. but like i said, that only lasts for a time. thank goodness. at times, since being banded, it does seem they are worse. but that must be explained by the previous post about estrogen being released and such. sorry this wasnt helpful for you.