want_so_bad

i am starting this thread so i have a place to come and just mindlessly chatter when the urge to snack hits me. i currently have no fills and will be this way for at least another 2 weeks, maybe more. i am having a really hard time keeping on track and eating correctly. so this will probably be kinda boring and not really saying much other then here i am again to avoid snacking... feel free to join me if it will help you.

hi angelica. welcome. hope we can help and support you. wifemom- i think i need to do the 3 says of liquids as well. is this to get rid of your carb cravings? bandster- i am trying to use dailyplate through the week. i dont have internet at home so the weekends are out. so, my report for yesterday: calories= 1014 (actual minus calories burned from exercise) exercise= check, did it! and loved every minute! i rode horses with my kids. just easy going so i didnt burn as much as if i was riding hard, but it was still good. protein= 78 grams! holy crap huh? i usually never get that much in a day! i weighed myself...and damn if i wasnt right and i have gained about 5 frickin pounds. damn me! damn me right back to fatterville if i dont get it under control. yesterday was better. today i am on track so far. i was thinking of starting another thread, like a " i am here posting to keep myself busy so i dont absent-mindley snack" kind of thread. i thought if i did those seperatively it wont mess up this thread with kinda mindless drivel, ya know? it will probably be pathetic how many times i post there but thats ok. if it will help me then it will be worth it!

it has been 2 weeks since the unfill so i still have 2 weeks! BUT, i have to have a hystorectomy now, next month, and am trying to find out if i have to be/need to be unfilled for that? i called my fill doctor but he said its better to ask the doctor doing the surgery. i have another appointment on the 20 with my ob/gyn doc and will find out for sure then. i cant afford to get a fill and then an unfill and then another fill. so if i have to be empty for surgery i will just have to wait to get a fill until afterwards.

well i am just doing a piss poor job right now. i think i have gained prolly 5 lbs, but am too scared to get on the scale. today i renewed, yet again, my comentiment to do this. what is wrong with me? my goals are: to excercise at least 3 times a week to stay within my calorie goal for the day i will report back tomorrow w/ my calories and what my exercise was. just like when we started this. maybe that will help me--keep me motivated. i cant wait for the 30 days to be up and to get refilled! i miss it! i miss the feeling of control i had!

100 lbs! congrats! thats amazing. keep up the great work.

thankful- welcome! congrats on your 30lbs weight loss. thats great. do you or have you tried logging your calories? i was amazed when i started doing that. what i thought wasnt much, and it wasnt as much as i ate before, still held a large amount of calories! and all the "not much" things added up. you might try that. thedailyplate.com is the one i use. you can log your exercise as well. you might try that? bandster-- did you get some sleep? i sleep so much better when my dh is home too. he works a week on and a week off. you would think after 4 years of this i would be used to it, and i guess i kind of am, but i still sleep better when he is home. i have been doing just a crap job of eating well! i have to get things under control or i am going to be sorry. oh! i have to share my nsv! so we took the kids to the Water park and i was ok! not worried about how i looked in my suit all the time. of course a few times i started to freak a little, you know, when the barbies walked by with their itsy bitsie bikinis on. or when my dh described this girl with "you know, the big tits that just walked by"....nice! and there i stand with my little girls carefully rolled up and stuffed into my suit. damn woman! but by and by it was a great day. i felt great. it was amazing to be feel that way. first time in forever!

bandster-sorry i have kinda been mia. its been a crazy couple days at work with it being end of the month and trying to get books closed and statements done. things should calm down no the end of the week. i hope so anyways. tomorrow we are taking the kids to an amuzement park. and we are going ot the Water park that is there too. i am so excited! for the first time in i cant remember when, i am excited to go to the water park! i could not find a new swim suit in town so my dearest hubby who i just love stopped on his way home in another town and took it upon himself to find me one. he was so cute and sweet, calling me asking questions. so he gets home with 2 new suits, and ya know what? i like them both! and they both look good and fit good! one is a size 12 and the other is a 16. weird huh? the 16 is made of this super-duper hold your gut in material. holy crap, its hard to get on! but it looks good! he is not known for being supportive of me so this whole swimsuit thing is just blowing me away. he told me he just wants me to be comfortable and able to have fun and not be worrying about it. i am doing better eating without a fill. went kinda nuts-o there for a few days...but am better the last few. thank goodness! still cant wait to get the fill back and start losing again. hope you are doing well bandster.

last week i started getting sick and couldnt eat or drink. over the weekend it got to the point i couldnt swallow my spit. monday i went to the doctor and had a complete unfill. have to stay empty for a month. i have never needed to take anything for heartburn/acid reflux. after my last fill i was really tight. belly juice ended up irritating things to the point i was basically swollen shut. i felt almost instant relief when they pulled the Fluid. i am having the hardest time being empty. all i can think of are all the things i havent eaten for the past 10 months that i could eat now. burgers, pizza, chinese, bread. i thought i had a better grip on my head then this! even on the way home from the doctor's office i was losing my mind. now its been a few days and i have had some slips, to say the least. this week is our county fair. we are so busy running around and we dont home until late. we have been eating in town or at the fair. and i making the stupidest choices. then i go home and cry. i once again have fallen into my whole "well, i screwed up today so might as continue and start again tomorrow" mode. i was doing so much better with that. and i find myself just mindless eating. today i seem better though. i attribute that to being able to take my antidepressant again. those days i couldnt get anything down i couldnt take it. and i just realized last night i hadnt started again. so i took one last night and can already notice the difference in my appetite and mind set. today i have done much better not eating crap all day. i had a string cheese for a morning snack and then i ate the meat/cheese off a sandwich. i am sitting here just pissy though because i know i ate prolly 3 times more of the sandwich fillings then i normally would/should. i was thinking of taking an appetite supressant until i can get filled again, but dont know if i really want to start down that road again either. i am just having a much harder time then i thought i would and it makes me feel weak! like i am so pathetic i cant control myself any better then this for a month! i mean, come on now, a month! i dont know what to do with myself.... i need a good kick in the buttocks, maybe a slap or two to the face to snap me out of this crap i am in!

way to go banster! 8 1/2 lbs! thats awesome. but why cant you eat? is your band too tight? are you still sick? i hope you are feeling better. i know i am! well, sort of... i am being so flipping stupid. eating crap i shouldnt! this week has just been crazy with the county fair going on. we are super busy, running all the time and dont get home until late. then my son's lamb was dq'ed from the fair. it caused a bunch of drama and i have been worked up and upset and furious for days. i wanted to kick some people's butt's for making my baby cry! jerks! anyway, we havent been getting home until late and we eat in town at the fair and i have been making bad decisions with a capital "B"! and then i go home and cry because i am being so stupid. i started doing the whole, well, i screwed up today so i might as keep going and just start over tomorrow. why the hell am i doing this? i thought i was past that. i thought i had this head crap under somewhat of control. i have to get my head back under control before i end up gaining a ton before i can get refilled! i mean how stupid can i be? after losing what i have and coming so far, why am i gonna screw it up for a month and then just have that much more to lose once i get filled again. today's goal is to keep my self in check. i brought string cheese and yogurt to work. i have my Water and crystal light and my lemon juice and my gum. i can do this. one of the only people who know i had this done keeps telling me to just think like i am filled stlil. think to myself....oh god, i dont even want to try that because last time it got stuck... or something along those lines. i kinda half assed that, but then was like, omg-i havent eat bla bla bla for almost a year now. and i just wanna taste.... yeah well, that would be all well and good if one bite is where it stopped! hope you are feeling better and able to eat something bandster!

ugh, i had a hell of a weekend. so friday i posted how i wasnt feeling well and couldnt keep Water down. friday evening it continued to get worse and i had the worst heartburn i have ever had in my life. nothing i took or did helped it. by friday night i was ready to go to the hospital. i thought something was seriously wrong. i hurt into my back and shoulders, and omg, i cant even explain how bad it hurt! sat i couldnt drink anything. nothing. could barely swallow my own spit. sunday was the same way. sunday we were helping hay so that means outside in the hot hot weather all day. i would take a drink of water, just hold it in my mouth and then spit it out. sunday evening i felt so ill. i was lighthead and couldnt focus. during the night i woke up gaggin on Fluid. almost like i had vomitted in my sleep. that happened twice and then i vomitted some black pastey stuff. it was gross! so yesterday i called the doc. he had me come in for an emergency visit. they did a complete unfill and i have to stay unfilled for a month, then go back. he said that being so close to goal i had my band perty tight. but i also had not taken any sort of antacid or anything. he thinks that i just had a build up of acid and it irritated things to the point that even though i had started taking stuff it was just too late. i felt almost instant relief when he pulled the fluid. i could drink right away. it was still a weird feeling though. so now my goal is to really really be on top of it this next month. i dont want to gain any weight back! i am going to continue to eat and measure my food just like i was. record my calories, workout. basically try to forget that i am empty

check-in from yesterday: 117 calories (465 minus days activities) and 18g Protein. i was sick yesterday and couldnt keep much down most the day. barely even fluids, it was was not fun. i was so thirsty but even sipping Water would make me vomit. there is a bug going around and i think i have it! i feel a little better today, but taking it slow. being sick yesterday has irritated my belly like no other and i am super tight today. even small sips of water take time going through. bandster-hope you are doing ok. you sounded like bad shape.

bandster-congrats on the 2lbs! wtg! and i lost another one too! and congrats w/ the new clothes. i need to get some new pants too. i have ordered a shirt here or there online from oldnavy. i order clothes for my daughter there too. they have great clearance stuff for her a lot of time. i always check their clearance sales first, for me too. i hate being sick! i feel for ya. get plenty of rest so you get better fast. yesterday's check-in stats are: 604 calories (999 gross minues the days activities and workout), 21 g Protein. so i have been staying perty active. this next week and half is gonna be crazy with fair and everything we have to do. but its a good thing. and i am so excited, my horse was a good boy for the farrier last night. usually he is a butt to shoe, but last night he stood like a gentleman! so i can get to riding him again. that burns the hell outta the calories! talk about workout. i am hoping to get a sitter for the kids and me and the hubby take a couple of the horses out in the hills for a ride this weekend. but i dont know if we will or not. bandster- i know exactly what you mean about the picture! my mother in law brought over some pic's she had of us and i was in a few and thought, omgoodness! i dont look huge. and i almost thought i looked pretty. HUGE difference to my usual reaction to my own photgraph! strange things are happening! lol

so where is everyone? well, my calories for yesterday were: 1107, and Protein was: 21. i got a step counter thingie majig. according to it i walked a total of 6228 steps or 2.94 miles. that was just between 8 and 5. i wore it at work to see how much i get up and move around. so that is perty good. according to the little book that came with it a good daily goal is 10,000. i am almost positive i would have hit that. after work we had 4-H so that meant walking the lamb, chasing the baby, helping other kids w/ their lambs, etc. i hope everyone is ok. bandster, did you weigh in the other night? i hope this thread doesnt die, it has really helped me! i dont want to be posting here by myself!

so my calorie count for yesterday was...wait for it....557! and Protein was 10. yeah, not so great i know. i just wasnt hungry, and when i did eat it was a bite or two and i was stuffed. i have been doing perty good about the cardio, but hit and miss with the strength training. i am going to make a better effort this week at doing that. things at home are just super busy right now. we are getting ready for fair, so we have something going on almost every night for the next 2 weeks. getting the lamb ready (one of them died last sat, damn thing!). getting record books ready, preparing for judging, decorating pens, and it goes on and on. but its a good time too. the boys are excited. kinda sucks though...fair means funnell cakes and curly fries and Peanut Butter balls. damn them all!

i havent figured my calories from yesterday yet, but am going to and then i will post it. i also didnt do a conventional "workout" but i did chase the baby around at 4-H. wonder how many calories that burned? i am still really tight, maybe the fill just finally kicked in? i have 3 kids. a 9 year old son, an 8 year old son, and the baby girl is 17 months old! the boys are 10 months to the day apart...so pretty much like having twins. just so noone thinks i am crazy, the older one is my stepson. we just dont make the distinction. we have full custody of him. so we have a his, a mine, and an ours. i guess my daughter really isnt much of a baby anymore, but she is my baby still! very spoiled! by everyone. she is the baby for everyone, aunts and uncles and grandparents. before her the last baby in the families was 7 years before. so yeah, EVERYONE spoils her! my older boy has some behavioral problems/emotional issues and is hard to deal with. his mom died 3 years ago come sept. and just when i think things are getting better he backslides like 10 steps. its very hard. there was a time i didnt think our marriage was gonna make it, but we are working on it and things are getting better. its a daily struggle. i have no doubt i am a good mom to my son and my daughter, but sometimes i doubt myself when it comes to him. and that makes me sad. he has made me into a person i never thought i could be, and i hate it. i struggle with it on a daily basis. how did your weigh in go last night? cant wait to hear!

this past saturday i went out had a few too many to drink. i usually dont drink so this was my first experience being drunk w/ the band. so here is my thing-sunday morning i was only a little sick. woke up, kinda dizzy and a headache, took something for it and slept some more. woke up just really tired, but no aweful hangover! thing is, now i am tight. like couldnt eat anything solid tight yesterday. i figured this was prolly cuz i had gotten sick the night before. lunch today rolls around and i ate maybe 4 small bites of lunch meat (in a salad). thats it, all she wrote, nothing else going in. i had the aweful pain and slimed for a bit. (oh, and i also want to be sure to mention that i had a fill a week and a half ago. i noticed a difference, but not much from previous fill amount) so, i am kinda wondering what is going on. did my fill just take a while to kick in. it did before with the second fill. or was it from the alcohol? anyone else ever experience this?

and i lost a pound! could not believe it, but its great. i have been stuck for ages and finally..... i am determined to keep it up. i dont want this to be some fluke and put it back on right away! have a happy day!

i had a relatively good weekend. just hung out at home and did some housework and laundry and played with the kids. i went out for the first time in ages saturday night with my husbands brother and wife. their cousins came and some friends of ours. my husband works out of town so i was a loner. i am not a drinker by any means. a few times a year at the most. saturday night was one of those. omg, i have not been that intoxicated for a very long time! i had so much fun! we just played darts and hung out. closed down the bar and went for Breakfast. i spent most of that time in the bathroom, sick. and then asleep at the table! didnt even have to worry about eating. so i didnt track my calories saturday. i am gonna check the calorie content of vodka and cranberry juice on dailyplate. i did do my stregth training though! as far as calories yesterday, this is just a guess, but i am betting no more then 500. i was so tight i could barely get Water and coffee down! i wonder if that is because of the alcohol? this was my first time drinking more then just one since being banded. i didnt workout either. i spent most the day just being lazy, recovering. did manage to do a few loads of laundry, think that counts for much? lol. .

yesterday's total's: 1) 882 net calories, 44 Protein 2) rode bike pulling daughter approx. 40 minutes ugh, am i having a morning! woke up late, had to rush rush myself and the kids to be ready . i ended up being 10 minutes late. i just feel like crap. bandster- i am never online on the weekends. we dont have interent at home, so i will be mia on the weekends. good job yesterday. i pity you with the migraine. i get them too and they lay me out, let me tell ya. the last one i had the relpax didnt even touch! i laid on the couch and my youngest son help me take care of the baby! thank goodness for him. sounds like a fun weekend for you!

do you think she was being honest? i mean, 21 bars? even my husband, who can really put ice cream away, doenst eat many in a sitting. sure, he can polish off six or seven, whatever is in a single box, but 21? that just blows my mind! and how do you do that without getting gut splitting ill? just thinking about trying to eat that much makes me sick! good lord, i know i have my demons i wrestle with and i have bad days, but wow, she has issues!

i so dont want to post this, but since this thread is about being accountable, i must... i had a bad night. i got off late from work. had to run an errand, get fuel. i was runnin behind and the guy was waiting at my house to weigh the boy's 4-h lambs. so then i was late picking up the baby from daycare. finally got home, had dinner. i did good here. had chicken breast and salad. didnt go for my walk/ride...got busy outside irrigating and watering my lawn. then had to give the baby a bath. i wasnt feeling well so i just kinda hung around with the kids. got the baby to sleep. this is were i tanked it. i had some Cookies and milk! what the hey was i thinking? then a couple bites of popcorn. and as i was doing it i was mad at myself, but just did it anyways. so my calories for yesterday were horrible! goodness this is embarassing... but here goes....1620. i just wanna cry seeing that! but today is a new day and i am good again. bandster--my husband works a week on, a week off. for his week on he works out of town. i totally understand the being lonely thing. i find myself eating at night when he is gone. like its a replacement for him or something. i have been really trying to stay busy to stop myself. i stay outside as much as i can. if i am not in the house i do better. hope you are having a good day. and thanks for the quotes of the day... i like those! my quote for the day..."just keep swimming, just keep swimming", by Dory the fish

my issues are more like trying to figure out why i have been sabatoging myself. i know what to do to be successful. i will be doing great for days, even weeks and then, bam, start eating crap, dont work out. i never slip enough to gain, but enough so i just maintain. i think it has been for a few different reasons. it scares me to think of myself at goal. i have tried to lose weight for so long! holy crap, now what do i do, ya know? i am the big one. that is me. what do i do now that i am not? what if i dont like what i am when i get to goal? what if i still cringe when i look in the mirror (i know i will until the tummy tuck and boobie lift and augmentation). i think i have worked through most of these. well, i am working on it. a few people have mentioned that if i dont like what i see when i get to goal, i can change my goal. easy enough, right? lose more or, like one crazy person suggested, gain it back! my hubby and i made a deal about getting the tummy tuck faster then i had planned, so its just a matter of me reaching goal and maintaining until march. the faster i reach goal, the better. that has been the kick in the butt i needed. since making that deal i have eaten better and have exercised each day. now i think to myself, WHAT WAS I THINKING? get your butt to goal--just do it! stop this stupidness (is that a word?? lol) right this minute. i still have moments i slip, i think that will just be a life long battle...once a fat girl...

bandster--good job yesterday! keep up the good work. and yeah, this last 20 is SO flippin hard. plus i have some weird mental stuff working against me, so that just makes it harder. almost like i am scared of getting to goal. but i think i have worked through that and am ready now. so progress report for yesterday: 1) 845 calories, 45 grams Protein (actual calories were 1263, but then minus the calories burned w/ exercise its the 845. i need to be more careful!) 2) rode bike w/ schwinn wagon attached pulling daughter for a little over 30 minutes luluc---i wish i were more like you and diligent about it all! but i cant dwell on messing up lately, just focus on doing good again! coo--i hope you find what motivation and support you need here.

bandster-how/where do you track your calories? i am using thedailyplate and like it. they also have it so you can put in what exercise you did for the day. i was thinkin that maybe i would lower my exercise goal but then i changed my mind. i want to lose this 20lbs! when i get to where an hour a day is comfortable, i am gonna up it! and oh, i have to share...last night, during my walk...i actually jogged for a little ways. it felt great and i was so happy. it was so weird for me! as i was walkin, I WANTED to jog. WANTED TO! can you believe that? bandster-its smart for you to start with what you know you can do. you dont want to burn out and then stop, ya know? i do silly little things through the day as well. like in the mornings, as i dry my hair, i do squats and standing leg lifts. or, when my office is empty i will do lunges from the front counter back to my desk and then do 5 squats before i sit in my chair. now by no means to i do this every day, but here and there. i am gonna put more effort into it. every little bit helps, right?

i have been stuck in a damn rut for months now. i have been making bad food choices. i dont exercise. i will do good for a week or so and then, bam, its like i hit a wall and fall back into cheating myself. stupid stupid. but i have a new deal going with my hubby and i HAVE to get 20 lbs off ASAP, like yesterday! so i am game to post every day here with you, support each other, bitch and moan and cheer each other on. my goals: 1) 1000 calories a day. (what thedailyplate says i need to eat in order to lose 2.5 lbs a week. well, not the exact number, they say a little more...) 2) a minimum of 1 hour exercise each day. 1/2 hour weights in the am before i get ready for work (alternating legs one day, arms the next) and a minimum of 1/2 hour in evenings (walking, riding bike with kids, riding horses, lawn work) so those seem like good places for me to start. i have to get out of the "tomorrow" phase. "i will workout...starting tomorrow", "i will eat better...tomorrow" well now tomorrow is today and i havent made much progress. i look forward to helpin each other out! good luck!