CdnExpat

Actually, it seems that congratulations are in order. You asked a friend to help, he said 'Yes,' but his behaviour raised red flags so you asked someone else for what you needed. Great self-advocacy, actually. And putting it down to cynicism or pessimism actually dismisses the people skills you have developed. You rock. It's not about only relying on yourself... that's not always healthy either. It's about recognizing the discrepancy between what someone says and their actions... you always go with the actions. Instead of guilting your (former?) friend into keeping his word (what fun that would have been!) or having a pity party and deciding you're going to "do it myself!" you reached out to someone else. I'm sorry your friend wasn't as reliable as you wish, but you solved the problem in advance. Ta da! For the nerves, do a little strategic catastrophizing, and then contingency planning. Think about the absolute worst case outcome for the PAT, and then decide what you'll do about it if that outcome happens. Make real plans. "If the PAT finds that I'm not in my right mind and can't competently make this decision, what will I do?" Make a list. Then go on to the next worst case scenario. Do that until you've covered all the possibilities. Then put the list in a safe place and willfully, mindfully, refuse to think about outcomes. You've got it covered. And keep yourself busy. These will be the longest three days of your entire life if you're doing nothing. Hang in there! You're almost there. CE

"Attitude is the mind's paintbrush. It colors everything we do." Good for you, NuManMitch! Pain always impacts our ability to be cheerful, thankful, or count any blessings, and it's just plain exhausting. Giving yourself a mental pickup obviously helped, and it sounds like you're on your way to better days. You've already discovered "normal" is the key. Something that might be helpful - find some positive statements that you can post around the house, write on your forehead, or the back of your hand, and mentally make yourself take in what they mean. I have used the one above for years, having originally had it in my classroom while working with juvenile offenders. It was true then, it's true now, and I often have that little phrase come to mind when I'm feeling pissy, or blue, or depressed, or angry. It's gotten to the point where in our family we sometimes say to each other, "Your paintbrush has been dipped in something ugly." It's a good reminder. It gets better and better from here... especially as those numbers drop. CE

I am a closet fan of wigs. Hats, too. Those groovy little Fascinators that all the hoity-toity chic people are wearing are gorgeous and I aim to have one. Of course, I don't want to have just any old Fascinator. I want to buy it in London, myself, so I'll just have to wait until I go there. Hopefully in the fall. In the meantime, my hair is falling out. I was hoping this wouldn't happen, but clearly "hoping" and "reality" are not necessarily acquainted. Damn. (I'm experimenting with swears. On my last post, a tiny little swear was neatly replaced with stars. Checking to see if it happens again ) I have no magic wand, or as Lily Tomlin says in The Kid, "I left my magic bra and panties at home." (If you've never seen The Kid, you might want to rectify that oversight forthwith). So. No Fairy Godmother, no magic wand, no superpowers, and no reprieve. What to do? Growing up on a farm in Northern Canada, I and my siblings were always pretending to be someone we thought far more glamorous or exciting than we happened to be. Since we didn't' have a TV, all of our pretensions to greatness came out of the books my mother read to us. Thus any given play day could include incarnations of Long John Silver, Anne of Green Gables, or Alec from The Black Stallion. My smallest brother generally ran around after the rest of us furiously demanding that we "wait up," and quite unable to manage staying in character with such short legs. This was not the best part. That was always the dress up box. One could not be Athos, Aramis, or Porthos in chore clothes. Most certainly not. And only D'Artagnan could wear the straw hat skewered with a chicken feather that magically transformed whoever grabbed it into the greatest of all the Musketeers. In this box were three wigs. I'm not quite sure of the provenance of these treasures, but I never saw any fleas or nits, so I'm assuming they were donated by good families - probably my mother's long-suffering friends who did not live in the rural wilds and so had no clue as to why she (my mother) could be so very strange, wanting their cast off hair pieces. The wigs were perfect. Suddenly, any one of us could be someone completely different without straining the collective imaginations of our siblings. My rather handsome brother gave a speech once (he stole it from Sir Winston Churchill) wearing his idea of an English gentleman's proper attire and a scruffy brown wig. He was so good (and funny) that we didn't have the heart to tell him that Sir Winston was bulldog ugly and bald. (This all occurred after mom read us a book about WWII which included the British Prime Minister. When years later, my brother finally saw a picture of Sir Winston, he laughed so hard he couldn't tell us why he was laughing.) Back to the wigs. I've always had long hair. Sometimes really long hair, so the wigs would never fit quite right. My cruel and ruthless siblings would inform me that all that hair, piled up under the wig caused me to look deformed in ways which "...make you look retarded." Whereupon one or another of them would demand that I give the wig up and choose some other way of getting myself into character for the forthcoming play. I usually did this without a fight because I did not like the idea of having a lumpy head - no matter what the reason. Those three wigs eventually disintegrated, and by then, we were all way past the stage of dressing up to amuse ourselves on a Saturday morning. I find myself contemplating the wigs in the windows in the 'Hairdressers' Souq' as HWHN* calls it. These are all little stores in the same area which sell all the same things. Everything one could possibly need for a hairdressing salon. In Canada, you'd have to have a trade license to buy most of this stuff, but not here. These wigs are typical of this region. Flamboyant, long, and thick. Currently, my own hair is very short, mostly gray, and getting thinner by the day. I expect that shortly, I may be drooling outside the windows as I gaze at those wigs. But... I am remembering how I always had to give up the wigs from the dress up box, and I have decided that if it comes to that, I am going to have the blonde wig, the brown highlighted wig, and the black wig. I have no hair to make my head lumpy, and I think even all these years later, if I put on a wig, I'm going to be somebody else for awhile. Given my weight loss, and the latest book that I read, I think I might become Amanda from The Bone Collector. Of course, to be truly authentic, the wig will have to be red and curly ...but I could live with that. Here's to great moms, awesome siblings, good books, and endless imagination. Maybe losing my hair won't be so bad. CE *HWHN = He Who Hates to be Named; my wonderful, introvert husband.

Oh. Look at that. My little swear got starred.

But "Square One" now has an outraged, not-putting-up-with-this-**** woman in it. Good for you. What a dweeb. If there's nobody else available, I got some great workout routines off of http://www.workoutbox.com/workouts/ and http://www.freetrainers.com/ CE

Nope. No serious complications for me other than the major case of heebie jeebies I gave myself by obsessing over the "what ifs." Realistically, the benefits outweigh the risks (pun intended) and the anxiety is paralyzing. If you're going to project yourself into the future, make it positive. Plan what you'll do with those boys of yours when you can keep up with them because you're fit and healthy. Think about vacations and bikinis; little black dresses and romantic dates. As an RN, you certainly can do a risk assessment. Put the numbers down in black & white, and then make your "What ifs" shrink in proportion. It's all in your head... which you control, so squish the catastrophes and maximize the rewards. (And keep busy. You still have two weeks to wait) CE

Some people will lose no more than the regular amount of hair (normal growth/regrowth cycles) and some will lose a lot of hair. It depends on how the individual's body handles the "insult" of surgery and the wls. Keeping up the Protein helps with the regrowth cycle, but does not prevent hair loss. For those of you who didn't lose much hair, say a small 'hallelujah' and observe a moment of silence for those of us who have. There's great suggestions in one of the other forums on hair loss, and some will work and some won't. Again, depends on the individual. Fortunately, research so far supports that nobody goes bald (with the VSG) and the loss is temporary. I decided I don't care, I'd rather be skinny. So I'll either shave my head a la Demi Moore, or wear a wig a la Dolly Parton if it gets too bad. In the meantime, I've gone and gotten a pixie cut (veeerrrry chic for a 49 year old I can tell you) and I'm reveling in the no muss no fuss hair days after years of long (and sometimes very long) hair. The thing that seems to be helping me is the silicon supplement. As a side effect, my fingernails are looking pretty amazing too. Just in case, I'm eyeing up the long blonde wig in the window at the mall. HWHN* says it looks way more like Rod Stewart than Dolly Parton. But what would he know? He thinks Dolly is a test-tube sheep. CE *HWHN = "He Who Hates to be Named" aka my quiet, introverted husband.

Who is Lisa Lampanelli?

Ah. "Retired teacher and counselor..."

*sigh* I've been thinking about what it would take to actually put myself first when considering my options. I'm not very good at this, and often end up doing things or committed to stuff for someone else's benefit. Which suuuuuuuuuuucks. So what would I do? Probably the smallest, and most easily sustained change at this point (being Ramadan and all) would be to block off my time when I'm not available. When my booking secretary calls asking me to make an exception for someone who insists it's a crisis, I resolve to remain firm in saying "No!" to any appointments outside those times when I'VE decided I'm available. :)Your question prompted me to stop thinking and start doing... thanks. CE

Months. But I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, so I expected difficulties. It takes some experimentation, but there are great suggestions in this thread, and one of them is sure to work. I hadn't thought of the Chia seeds - and I definitely prefer a natural solution so I'm going to try that.

This is a common problem. Keep up the liquids and regular fiber. In the meantime, rather than an enema, try glycerine suppositories. Use as per instructions, and maybe use some KY jelly or other similar lubricant when moving your bowels. It took ages for things to get back to normal for me, and I found this the least invasive and most manageable option until things settled down.

I'm back to using the Kinect to exercise. My husband (He Who Hates to be Named = HWHN) got it for me over a year ago after a party at a friend's house where they introduced us to Group Kinect. We had a blast competing to pop bubbles and other silly stuff. At that time, he wondered if I'd like the Dance Central game. He thought he'd get one of the exercise/gym games. Anyway, we did, and I stuck with it long enough to learn the dance routines to "Pokerface" and "Funky Town." HWHN had me try the exercise game a few times, but in truth, my knees couldn't take it, and with the extra weight, the fatigue factor from the MS just did me in. The routines are actually not bad, and HWHN had chosen a "coach" that was young, female, and curvy. I teased him about it, but he said he thought it would be easier to deal with a woman telling him what to do, since he's had lots of practice. (I threw a pillow a him) Anyway, it was only about six games later that he's yelling at the avatar. She even had the audacity at one point to refer to his performance in light of his age. I fell about laughing, and he said bad words. The next time he did the game, he called her The Witch. It stuck. Eventually, discouragement and fatigue caused me to stop doing Kinect at all, and HWHN went on to other things like online racing. Yesterday, we got out the Kinect again, and did the new adventure game we bought. It was great. We can play at the same time, and I am much lighter and in better shape generally, the MS being in remission. I remembered that the original exercise game had some good floor workouts, and one section that focused on abs, so I got it out again. Oh boy. After three sets, I wanted to commit acts of graphic violence on The Witch's person. Her perky, smug voice (enclosed in an impossibly perfect figure) says, "That's not quite what we were aiming for. How about if we take a break and try again? You can certainly do better." HWHN said more naughty words. Argh!!! How totally aggravating. "This is not quite what we were aiming for?" How does she know? And, there's no way for the avatar to understand the actual situation, so she can't adjust how she offers encouragement or support. I know enough about technology to do the things I need to do, but what I know about the Kinect and its controllers is confined to inserting and ejecting the disks, and waving my hand to get the program started. But I was determined to do something about The Witch, so I fiddled until I figured out how to change her. Next time HWHN goes to do his gym workout, he'll find The Witch has been transformed into a middle-aged man who looks suspiciously like himself... gray hair and beard included. Since I've already tried him out, I know that he says completely different things for encouragement, and he seems all enthusiastic that I'm even there, at nearly 50 years old, trying to get into shape. The perky little Witch is perfect for... oh, say, perky little witches. And that would not be me.

What she said.

Even if I have "walked a day in your shoes" Chitowngirl, I would still have no real knowledge, and no true understanding of your situation because it isn't mine. There are all sorts of factors here that make your situation difficult and I think that, like everyone else in life, you make the decisions that work in the situation as it happens. The original issue seemed to be the guilt you feel over the inequalities between your style or parenting and your in-laws. There's been some great advice and ideas so far and you can take the best ones and try them. (The pooling gift money and making a joint decision about gifts is an awesome idea) As for your relationship with your SD and grandson, you're not the only player on the field, and you clearly don't have the most influence, so all you can do is be yourself. You are right about not being able to parent your SD now, and quite Iikely your opportunity to parent her at 15 was also very limited. It is what it is. My suggestion? Limit your grandson's opportunities to wreak havoc in your home by planning activities out, or by insisting that his grandfather be present when he is visiting. Your situation is complex meaning absolutely no one but you actually knows what you've done or need to do to make it work for you, your son, and your husband. Some great suggestions here... Try them out and let us know what works. Your life doesn't need to be controlled by either guilt or regret. Hang in there. CE

Congratulations and happy birthday! What a lovely gift.

You've got a lot on your plate, Newbie girl. I think you'll have a hard time with that cocktail of pain meds and post op recovery. For help you might want to get some support from a health psychologist who specializes in chronic pain management, and/or a Neurofeedback therapist with a specialization in pain. Under the circumstances, you may be able to get the treatment covered. Taking advantage of all the help that's available is one way of leveraging the effort to change your life into the maximum chance for success. It's totally empowering to take back control of your body AND lose the weight. You can do it. Been there and done that.

NewbieGirl, you've got a lot of things going on. I think you're going to have trouble with that cocktail of pain meds and managing post op recovery. My suggestion is that you look for professional help. Under the circumstances, you may be able to get the treatment covered. A psychologist with experience in chronic pain management working with a Neurofeedback therapist can work miracles in helping you take back control of your life. It would be very empowering to get control of your body AND lose the weight. Taking advantage of every available option for help is one way to boost the chances of successfully changing your whole life. Been there, and done that.

Oh, do I get this one! We were both 18 when we got married (celebrated 30 years last month) and the VERY best thing we did was move far, far away from both families for the first five years. (My mil still hasn't forgiven me for "making" her oldest son move ;D We've never told her it was his idea.) What great collective wisdom and counsel there is in this group! ❤❤

Just as an aside... why so much Gatorade or Powerade? I've learned to be cynical thanks to a very eventful (former) career as a patient advocate. If the surgeon can't a) medically justify recommending those particular drinks, or offer an acceptable alternative, I'd be asking when he last went on a cruise or vacation on PepsiCo's dime? But that's just me.

You're losing. That's the important thing, right? How much and when are less important than the fact that you're losing. Try some of these things for the obsessing: 1. Write down the ruminating thought(s). Those repetitious phrases that echo round & round in your head, write them down. 2. On a scale of 1 to 100, rate how much you believe the thought to be true. (1 not at all, 100, totally) 3. Under that thought, write down anything - anything at all - that contradicts the thought. 4. Now write down as a percentage how much you struggled with these kind of thoughts before surgery & wls. 5. Carefully re-read everything you've written, and come to a conclusion about the repetitious thoughts. 6. Re-rate their accuracy based on the objective information you've gathered. 7. Visualize yourself shrinking the thought(s) into their proper perspective in relation to the truth of your life. It takes mindfulness, but it works. Lastly, I'd suggest you see a nutritionist if you're not already to discuss the "Always having a Gatorade in my hand" thing. Maybe this could maybe be translated into something more helpful (and healthful). You could also change up your exercise routine a bit (there's great suggestions in that forum) and you could try SuperBetter (as an app if you've got an iPhone or iPad, or online at www.superbetter.com if not) for encouragement and support. Keep at it... setbacks and stalls are not failure. Giving up is. CE

If the issue is causing conflict between you and your husband, best to hie yourself off to a professional to a) get on the same page, and learn how to deal with the problem together. If it's not causing conflict, and the issue is the expectations/rules you have about what parenting should look like, maybe try some reading? Boundaries (Cloud/Townsend), The Smart Stepmom (Ron L. Deal) or Hang on to your Kids (Gordon Neufeld) are good choices. Or, you could talk with a professional about the situation. Or, alternatively, you could "let sleeping dogs lie." CE

What a great quote! I've copied it to Google Plus - it deserves a wide audience.

I can't seem to change my blog from VST mobile to the web interface. I'm on my desktop, and I've clicked (numerous times) on "Change Theme" and changed from VST mobile to VST Web, and hit "Go" as instructed. Still my blog is displayed in VST mobile, meaning that all the emoticons are turned into text (ugly) and some of the features are disabled. Help? CE

This morning while spinning away my 30 minutes on the stationary cycle (I hate this form of exercise ) I was cruising the TED talk forum again, and came across this talk. This guy (Jared Ficklin) is a serious geek. I mean really. But, he's also fascinating enough to while away 10 minutes of my stupid peddling. This is the real gauge of any of the TED talks I watch. If the one I'm watching is fascinating enough to make me forget I'm sitting on a cross between an elliptical trainer and a stationary bicycle, it's a five-star in my estimation. (I'm not sure how others rate the videos, but I suspect they use a slightly different measuring stick.) The comments after each video are interesting as well. There's always someone who criticizes, someone who wonders what the point of this talk is, and someone who believes that the speaker needs personal defending. Sometimes the comments will keep me peddling mindlessly for a few extra minutes after the video is finished. When the TED email comes out each week, sometimes it's a total bust. Everybody is boring or a horrible public speaker, or the subject is so mundane or esoteric I can't get into it. In that case, I go to TED.com and choose "Inspire Me" and ask for videos about the length of the time I need to cycle. So far, this random picking has worked out pretty well. So while I'm exercising, I'm getting smarter - I can feel it. Just hearing all these talks by geeky, brilliant, quirky, famous, or creative people adds brain cells and grows my brain. (Did you know there's a great Ted talk by Thandie Newton?) So the whole process has been part of changing my lifestyle. I need to exercise... no, I choose to exercise, but I have to do something that will increase the likelihood that this is a sustainable behaviour change. I'm not going to run out and buy a treadmill (my preference over the wretched peddling) until I know the habit of exercise is a part of my new life. So I am making do. And I do that by watching TED talks. Who knows? Maybe my IQ will go up as my weight goes down. Wouldn't that be something?