CdnExpat

On Friday, November 15th, I competed in my first ever race. I ran the 5K relay of The Flying Start Sprint Triathlon. My finish time was 28:04. This compared to when I ran 5K for the first time in the Maldives, completing the Couch-to-5K training plan (app available through Apple & Android). Then, I rejoiced in a finishing time of 38:00. When I started this journey to optimum health, my commitment was to exercise three times per week, get my weight into a healthy range, and find a way to change my thinking and lifetime habits so that I stayed healthy. In the end, that plan included the gastric sleeve, taking up running, and ultimately, learning to be militant and unapologetic for putting my health and self care before anyone else's needs. Something I've never been very good at doing. This time, with my 50th birthday looming, when people asked for some of my time, I checked my workout schedule. When people wanted to meet me for business, I suggested non-food venues. If I got too busy for self care every week, I ruthlessly cut out work stuff until I did have time for myself. I've read over 100 books, been to the spa nearly every week, and managed to get my hair cut every four weeks - for the first time in my adult life. All of which is good. But let me tell you - it was MUCH easier to change my physical habits than my mental habits. I have spent the last 18 months fighting a mental battle that at times left me feeling weak and sick. The relentless, repetitive litany of random crap in my head, all of it negative, all of it self-critical, and all of it FALSE, made me tired. There were times that I just wanted to lie down and cover my head with a pillow. I'd wake up in the morning thinking about a scheduled run, and immediately the crap would start. An endless, inescapable demand to justify myself and really, my existence. At least it felt like it. The old caustic, hurtful tapes played over and over and over and I experienced how difficult it is to switch it off. I felt more exhausted from the mental chaos than I did from the workouts. But I learned a few things along the way, and having just completed what feels like an incredible milestone to me, I reflected on that learning. No matter what confused, chaotic, caustic, or nasty things were happening in my head, compelling myself to physical action always made it better, and sometimes, quieted my mind completely. It is always possible to take action even when the noise in my head is deafening. It is not my brain that I need to run, it's my legs, my arms, my breath. My head just happens to come along for the ride. In other words, giving in to the head noise as if it controls my physical existence is a huge tactical error in the war with negativity. NOT going and doing the workout or self care or planned activity made the mental chaos that much louder the next time, plus the added emotional factors of disappointment and guilt. The more attention I paid to 'fighting' the thoughts, the more fighting I had to do. I gradually learned that the less importance I placed on the thoughts I didn't want, the less they bothered me. After awhile, they weren't loud enough to interrupt my thinking, and now, sometimes, they're completely absent. It gets better. The more consistent I was in following my plan of action combined with ignoring the noise in my head, the easier it got. There's no substitute for the incredible sense of satisfaction that comes from accomplishing something difficult. When I look back at the past almost 18 years since I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, it's been a journey I couldn't have planned with a road map and detailed instructions. And what a trip it's been. From being fit to the uncertainty of ill health, to a wheel chair, to 'starting over,' to the Middle East, through obesity and back, to a triathlon. Wow and wow. I have a huge sense of thankfulness for the things this journey has already taught me, and I anticipate there is more to learn. Bring it on.

When I started this journey, my ultimate goal was to be in the best shape I could be by the time I turned 50. Today is that day. :wub: Tangibly, I hardly resemble the person who started this journey. People who have not seen me in awhile regularly walk right past, not recognising me. This has on occasions been very funny, and on others, not so nice as people have reacted in ways that are surprisingly negative. One thing that has come up more than once is the immediate assumption that I've been very ill, or worse, that I've got something terminal. I've chosen not to talk about having surgery for a variety of reasons, and my stock answer to "What have you done?!" has become, "I eat a lot less and exercise a lot more." Intangibly, I know myself to be in a very different space internally than I was a year ago. Having the surgery did not change some of the serious issues that come with having gained so much weight and those don't go away with the weight. I've had to work hard to reprogram the default software. Old habits die very hard, and when mindlessness returns as a result of stress, or life events, the response is destructive. I've been five weeks at the same weight, but a week of no exercise and mindless grazing caused a small weight gain... panic!! It was a short, sharp, and needful lesson on the need for me to continue to care for ME. No matter how stressful work gets, or what life events happen, if I don't choose to take care of myself no matter what, all this work will be for nothing. Not gonna let that happen. Did some serious self care, bought a treadmill so I could run again (it's too hot outside) and went through my journal of the past year, reminding myself of the affirmations I'd found helpful, of the progress I'd made, and of the reasons I have made this choice. So, today I celebrate 50 years... losing 86 pounds... ...regularly running 7K ...biking 20K with my husband 2 - 3 x week, and being pronounced "completely healthy" by my GP. Yay me. If you're still working at your goals, keep on. Gather up the support you need whenever you need it, and don't give up. Celebrate the little milestones (I found Bling is perfect for celebrating every 10 pounds lost ) and ruthlessly prune your closet as you shrink out of clothes. Think in possibilities and make plans for a future that is different than your present. I know I need goals, and I plan to run a 10K race with my daughter in August. But first, I'm going to go river rafting in Bosnia to mark the achievements of the past year. Hopefully, I won't drown.

Unfortunately not. She and her husband now have a ranch in Northern BC bigger than most European countries. You could try http://alberta.kijiji.ca/f-meat-goats-Classifieds-W0QQKeywordZmeatQ20goats This is where my sister now gets her goat meat. CE

I had surgery on a Thursday morning, and could have gone back to work on Monday. I had planned for the whole week off, but truly didn't need it. It really depends on how you feel. If there's lots of up & down, bending and straightening, I'd take the time allotted, but spend the last few days conditioning yourself to do those activities. It's a good place to begin listening more carefully to your body.

Goat is very good, especially if you're able to get it from the farm. Goat dairies often sell their extra billies at around six months. Goat is lean, not marbled, and easy to digest. It is not necessarily a tender meat, and is best in sausages or used in place of ground beef. We use goat meat (and have for years) instead of beef, in all recipes that call for ground beef. You have to treat it carefully though, because it doesn't have the fat. I brown it in a non-stick frypan, and use a little Water to keep it from sticking until it's brown. Then I proceeded just like I would with ground beef. My sister and her husband owned a goat dairy near Camrose, AB, and we got goat sausages every fall. In order to make them edible (no fat problem) they added 1lb of ground pork to every 9lbs ground goat. We eschewed the pork and added ground moose, elk, or buffalo. Totally YUM. CE P.S. Here in the Middle East, goat is readily available, but it's from adult animals. Gross. Gross. Gross.

This has been a crappy week. HWHN got the results back from his bloodwork, and he's waaaaaaay high risk for a "coronary incident." We really weren't expecting this news as he's not overweight, he leads a fairly healthy lifestyle, and he exercises most days. It turns out he's got a family history that adds risk factors, he spent 10 years on anti-inflammatories (apparently very bad for you) and he smoked in his 20s. His cholesterol panel is frightening. The doctor here had already given him Lipitor before he got the results, but HWHN has decided not to take it yet. He's very unhappy about the side effects. We did some research, and the Mayo Clinic has an excellent plan for reducing LDL and increasing HDL, so we're trying it. Anyway, it was a bit shocking. The Internet has been very intermittent because it's Ramadan, and so I've not been able to lurk, never mind post on my favorite forums. It feels like I've been cut off from the world. Which normally wouldn't matter, except our daughter was trying to reach us because our grandsons (5 & 3) were in a car accident with their father, who had been drinking. Argh!!!!! They are okay, but our daughter could have used some support and her father's calm and gentle wisdom before she tackled the issue with her ex-husband. I have been doing really well since the shocking revelation that I was deceiving myself so badly, but two days ago I vomited again after weeks of being okay. I guess I'm in need of a Wahmbulance. *sigh* It doesn't help that being Ramadan, there is nothing to do until after 8 pm. Well, maybe we could drive around in the 52° sunshine... which today is slightly obscured by the dust in the air thanks to the hot wind. One more indignity. My hair is seriously falling out so I took a pic of the hairstyle I wanted to the hairdresser who did a beautiful job except I didn't turn into Jamie Lee Curtis. Damn. Holy cow. I am seriously in need of a G&T. ;D

Have you considered that your body has a "happy weight" that is different than your ideal weight? In any case, Supersweetums is marvelously right. You'll get there, with or without the energy expended on the frustration. CE

"Me, first" is different than 'selfish.' Congratulations on deciding to take care of yourself, and in following through. It isn't easy to change. I struggled for a long time with a sense of failure that I couldn't "do this on my own." Eventually, having worked with eating disordered patients, I realized that I'd have to develop an anorexic thought pattern to actually lose the weight I gained after MS. No, thanks. I want healthy thinking... not to exchange one problem for another. So I did the sleeve, and now I'm working on remembering that it is not selfishness to put my needs first when it comes to health. I've changed my schedule at work, I'm doing some different things at home, and I'm maintaining an attitude of thankfulness that losing the weight has been mostly a 'painless' thing, in that I'm not constantly thinking, "I can't have that," or "I can't eat that" and feeling deprived and frustrated. In fact, it's the other way. I look at the food I'm supposed to eat for the day and think, "How will I ever finish this?!" Good for you. This is me *clapping & cheering* from the Front-Row-Fans section. CE

You're headed in the right direction, and the final destination isn't in sight yet. You never know, Scorpion509 - a complete lifestyle change real does change everything. Thankfully. CE

The actual formula for deciding ideal weight (for women) is 100 pounds for the first 5', and 3 pounds for every inch more. To fine tune this number, follow the directions below for measuring your elbow width. (This is more accurate than your wrist, especially if you're overweight). After you've determined frame size, adjust the ideal weight by adding (to the above formula) 1.5 pounds per inch for a medium frame, and 2 pounds per inch for a large frame. Directions: Place arm parallel to the floor, straight out from shoulder, palm up. Bend arm up 90 degrees. Using calipers (or help from someone) measure the distance between the centers of the two prominent bones behind the point of your elbow. Be sure to center on the bones. Using that measurement, compare to the chart below. If your measurement falls within the guidelines listed for your height, you have a medium frame. If it is less, you are small-framed, and if more, you are large framed. Sorry. The chart got all gibbled when I posted it. Here's the link instead... http://www.am-i-fat.com/body_frame_size.html Having said that, like Cheri points out, our bodies sometimes have a "happy weight" that pays no attention whatsoever to our wish for an ideal weight. I've just learned I have a small frame. Something I didn't know. CE

The aliens are more afraid of you than vice versa. Maybe it would help to re-watch Monsters, Inc. I know it seems like an animated cartoon, but the truth comes in the strangest forms.

First, congratulations! The emotional roller coaster you've been on has to be pretty spectacular, so congratulations on still being coherent. If I were you, I'd get myself to a high-risk obstetrician asap. The fact of having signed something is now secondary to reality. All sorts of factors are in play here, and the best thing you can do for your peace of mind is confirm the pregnancy, be upfront with whomever you see, and find someone in your area with a specialty in chronic pain, weaning off pain meds and still having a life. In the meantime, between now and all those appointments sure to happen, bask in the happiness of the possibilities without worrying about catastrophes. You can only do what you can do. The rest is out of your hands. Happy for you, CE

We used a dehydrator that my husband built, for years. (HWHN* is a handy kinda guy) He took an old lingerie cabinet, took out the drawers, used the drawer size as a guide and made frames with stiff mesh screening. (The screen door mesh is too flimsy, and the steel grid is too heavy... something in between). He put an in-car heater in the bottom of the cabinet, ran the cord through a hole he drilled, and voile. We dried everything. Some things weren't as successful as others, but we perfected cherries, grapes, plums, apricots, apples, bananas, peaches, tomatoes, peppers, mushrooms, homemade fruit leather, homemade Jerky, and many different kinds of herbs. At a time when our daughter could not eat anything with chemicals in it, we figured out how to eat well all year round. The fruit and veggies don't look the same as the ones you buy in the store because we didn't spray them with a preservative to make them look "nice" but after the first taste, you don't care what the fruit looks like. It's awesome. My girls grew up thinking dried apple rings were the best snack in the whole world. CE *HWHN = He Who Hates to be Named, my very quiet and introvert husband.

Congratulations!!! :wub: That's got to feel soooooooo good. Optimum health is just around the corner, Katiepot. What a marvelous milestone... incentive to keep going. You rock! CE

Is there no way to alert a moderator immediately when the forums are being spammed? 'joy789' has now sent the same message to all the forums in the space of about six minutes. Who (and how) do we notify someone?

Why is there a green number on my profile, and on others' profiles? Some are high, some are low, and there's a rating underneath... "neutral," "good," "excellent." I've tried to figure out, and find out, what this means but no joy. Anyone?

Two books that could help a lot are: "Emotional Incest" by Dr. Patricia Love (about what happens to the siblings in a family with a 'golden child') and "Healing Rejection and Emotional Abuse" by Jonas Clark. Both are available as Kindle books (or Kindle app for iPad). There's also "Severing the Connection: An Instruction Manual of Escaping Emotional Abuse" by Melanie Mayer. Here in the Middle East, your situation is common, but there are ways to learn to deal with your mother's emotional & psychological abuse that do not include going against cultural expectations. Lastly, remember that the abuse is not about you - mom targets you as the scapegoat, but the issues are hers, and hers, alone. Hang in there. Maybe take some strategy tips from Dad... =) CE

I'm envious! My brother has gone a couple of times, but I've never made it. I hope you have an incredibly enjoyable time basking in the happiness of your new shape, the new size t-shirts, and All.Those.Bikes. CE

Thanks, Lissa and Izuri! I use writing as a form of processing, and pretty much what you read is what you get in person. I'm working on my iPad and I couldn't get the comments to work under the original blog entry, so you get one of your own. I do blog; you can find me at www.astonmartinsandcatspit.blogspot.com. There, I'm "DaisyMae." For a picture of what it's like to live here, start with the old entries first. As to the book, I'm saving that for after I leave SandyTown, because a lot of what I write will be about the human rights abuses. The authorities tend to frown on this so I'll do it from outside the country. CE =)

Two things come to mind as I read, J. Fabulous. We have an almost infinite capacity for self-deception, and an equal or greater capacity to change. Thank God. The second thing is that your weight loss (in so far as your personal journey is concerned) IS private but the observable evidence of the changes you are making can't be hidden. In no universe I know of is an apology required. And all that "gushing?" People are happy for you, stunned at the changes you've made, and trying to express that. Obviously, they cared enough about you in the past to be happy for you in the present. Just say, "Thank you." Bask in the happiness for a bit, and then get on with your life. Compliments and criticism are like perfume and s**t - both smell and you don't eat either one. Congratulations on your weight loss, your journey to better health, and the whole new future you have. You so rock. CE

When Alex suggested members take a three day challenge by tracking every little thing they eat or drink, I thought, "Sure. Why not?" I figured that I'd just be writing down what I was tracking in my head, so no big deal, and I could not only say I read the <i>whole</i> newsletter, but I actually took action. So I attached a sharpened pencil to my daytimer and commenced to keep track of everything I put in my mouth. As I looked over my lists last night, I admit I was very close to tears. I would say that the past three days have been pretty typical for me - nothing really out of the ordinary that I could say messed up or changed my regular habits. So no excuse there. I cringe to write this. Over three days, I drank a <i>total</i> of 102 ounces of liquid, consumed +/- 950 calories, and had ZERO protein. I hope y'all were sitting down for this. I swooned myself. How could I, by any stretch of the imagination, call this healthy eating? Ick. Alex's challenge (and the outcome) brought to mind an experience I had working with a nutritionist for the benefit of a mutual client. One day while we were discussing ways in which to re-connect this starving girl to reality, the nutritionist said, "I've found that anyone who has problems with food has an almost infinite capacity for self-deception." Ouch. I'm certainly confronted with my capacity for self-deception. How did I ever morph the reality of that list into something different in my head? I was pretty confident I was keeping track... accurately. Of course, I filed away the decision to "...have more protein tomorrow" in the back my mind. Under a pile of other **** and covered with a mental wet-wool-blanket. Seeing in writing that I'd done that for three days in a row kind of puts my stated commitment to "get healthy" in jeopardy. And, as I am wont to tell my clients, "When the words and the actions don't match, you always go with the actions. They tell the truth." Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. So, this morning, HWHN and I had a long discussion about what it really means to change our lifestyle. As it happens, he's just had his first complete physical in five years (I see all the women roll their eyes and the men shrug) and it turns out he's great except he's pushing the envelope for cholesterol. Ah. This requires a lifestyle change for him too. No more chocolate (he's the chocoholic) and no more cheeseburgers stuffed with deep-fried onion rings. (Fortunately, HWHN is not overweight, but apparently his arteries are protesting.) The 'lifestyle change' discussion precipitated a general discussion about our life, and we've decided to make some other changes as well. We've done this before, he and I - we know we can do it again. Changing our lives the first time meant I beat off the MS and got out of a wheelchair, and "flipping over the Monopoly board" again brought us out of the cold of the Great White Up to SandyTown and changed the course of HWHN's genetically-inherited arthritis. We can do this again. So an "epic fail" has caused us to take stock of what we're actually doing. Not just what we <i>think</i> we're doing. No. Really doing. And we're not doing so hot on the whole self-care thing. But, that's about to change. It's already begun. HWHN wants to avoid having to take Lipitor with all its attendant side-effects, and I'd like to get out of starvation mode, continue losing weight and keep at least a little bit of hair. Here's to Alex - thanks for the newsletter, the challenge, and the opportunity to really confront the self-deception that "...doth so easily beset us all."

P.S. Congratulations! Think on that glorious sentence for a little bit... Whoo hoo. The other nice pick-me-up this week was giving away all my bigger-than-size-14 clothes to the local women's shelter. Way to rock those skinny yoga pants.

I was thinking this yesterday. I currently have what feels like a very limited repertoire of food and I'm thoroughly sick of it. I don't necessarily crave anything in particular, I just think, "Chicken, again. Ugh." My husband and I are slowly getting back to being able to go out (he orders and I nibble) but it's so different than the Foodie life we had before. I like good food and right now it feels like I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel. (I am seriously whining here ) The difference between what I am supposed to be eating and what my stomach can handle is still huge, and I'm not getting enough calories. I'm sure I'm stalled because my body has gone into starvation mode, but like you, I'm exhausted by food, and not at all inclined to be hungry. Argh!!! Exercise this morning helped, and I just found a lovely little app called SoFit that I'm going to try. I am determined to change everything about the way I live, but sometimes, I really just yearn for the mindlessness of life before the sleeve. Mind you, I'm so much happier with myself in this new life, that I truly don't want that old life back. Except maybe for five minutes while I eat something delicious. Hope you enjoyed your walk. I'm off to get a yoghurt my ownself. CE

If you have difficulty with a hard, dry "plug" because of the constipation, glycerine suppositories and a lubricating jelly (e.g. KY jelly) help prevent serious straining, minimize pain and prevent tearing. After that, lots of liquids and Miralax close to hand should make it better. CE