#MagicWithinme

Yesterday I had an appointment for a fill. The last one I had 1/2 cc was 8 weeks ago after a 2 year hiatus. At this time, I have 3.6, I had been told that 2 ccs were already in band when I started . Twice, twice, I got it up to 3ccs and had to take everything out and start all over. Yesterday hubby came with me, and Dr. would ask me questions and talk to me but all the whole while looking at my hubby. He felt that my band was restricting and that I just had to change my diet habits to accommodate. Talking about diets, and showing him the diagrams of the stomach. I even said at one point,touched my husband's arm and said I like how you are looking at him, since he is the cook. he kind of chuckled but still kept looking at husband. I had gone alone before and it was fine, but it was soo weird. I'm hispanic hubby anglo, My cousin thought maybe I looked like the little submissive wife or something. So no more fills for me for awhile and hubby has a new admirer?

Oh Universe, you were digging in the deep corners of my mind. A person that I had not talked to literally for over 25 years, out of blue contacted me. When we go through verbal trauma, inner child issues, all the wrongs done in the world all the crap, feels personal, feels like its directed at our heart. At the time , this person took my beloved spot at work while I was traded for hers in a clinic 20 miles away. She lived 3 houses away but was having marital issues. (roll of eyes here). I was told it would be temporary and 6 months later when I asked again, was told it was permanent and at that time I said, then I'm going to be looking for something closer. She told my nurses that she is running the clinic her way and that she was going to change everything. Whenever I would cover for her, she would leave a list of things she wanted me to do , but I would do other things like dictation that needed to be done, she called me to say you didn't do what I left for you and I told her I did the dictation. She wanted to talk to the supervisor. I never heard more. It took me two years (the clinic closed year after I left) to find a job in town which I loved, now I tolerate, I still see and visit and call the nurses, we still get together for lunch or dinner, remembering funny moments over and over . Once I was at my new job this person just disappeared from my view. Many years, later, so much later I found out that this person divorced her husband, then remarried him twice. Ended up being fired, but not before she tried to sue the nurses for treating her"badly" She brought a lot of stuff on herself. I was the sole clerical person for a staff of 3 health inspectors and 8 nurses and it ran like clockwork. She gets there and right away she couldn't do it all and got two assistants. I told one of the nurses about that particular incident and she said that the girl had been fuming because the supervisor had told her that if I felt there was something more urgent to do she was good with that. (She hated filing, she'd have piles of it) Now in all that time, I did finally see where had I not have been moved, I would have been "stuck" in that same place for years. I would not have met the people I did, learned the lessons I needed to, to get to the place I am now. To have been able to discover the magic within me, I'm still in awe of what powers a person can hold, what is possible. Make new friends, that believe in the same things you do, that makes your heart soar with happiness, with joy and laughter. To know that once this life is over, there are many more waiting to be lived. And that was it... I thought for a split second that maybe I should tell her the resentment I had carried against her. how she had changed my world, but in hindsight that would only make me look so petty. She would take enjoyment in that. I thought that maybe I should thank her for making me move, and again she would take pleasure in that. In the end our conversation was short and simple. her: Hey how are you doing? me: This is a surprise, I'm good how are you. her: Oh I'm doing great I live in "Podunk" me: That's a big town, are you working? her: yes and I have a job where I'm making 3xs the money I made before. me: Good for you, I've been with the city 20 years. And that was the end of that.

I have always loved to write, before I knew it was told my therapists that it was therapeutic that it would cleanse my soul. My journals held my pains my sorrows, my deep internal griefs and tears. I have reread journals and don't find many writing of happy good times. Perhaps I wanted to keep those my secrets. So now that I am paying much attention to my self, my journal has appeared again. I have actually gained some weight back but I don't think because of eating habits, I go to the gym 4-6 days a week and I might have built up a little muscle. The need to write again has been strong, and in searching for blogs I couldn't find anything that I felt comfortable with but here. so ...... My regular doctor retired and there is this really young cute dr. taking his place, you want me to lift my shirt? "Oh doctor", batting eyelashes, yeah right. I had not gone in for a year and a half and doctor was a bit surprised as to why I was there. I said I need to get back in check. I have never had more than 3ccs. and my body gets crazy, tight, gagging, you know the whole drill. So he gave me 1/2 a cc 2 months ago. I have an appointment next week maybe for another 1/2 cc. In looking back , I don't think it really was my body reacting. I truly feel it was my brain, fighting the restriction. When I got that 1/2 cc I took it slowly I went back to rookie status, the soft foods. I do find that I often let the day go without eating as frequently as I should so when I do eat, I'm scarfing food down and it tends to get stuck. which I end up throwing up. (sigh) I need to work on that. We shall see how that next 1/2 cc goes.

enjoy the moment!

I agree. It was great with my regular doctor when I lost the initial weight. But now that I have put on a few lbs back, its all about the numbers, you really have to watch that weight. Are you working out/ Did I not tell you that I work out 3-5 times a week including weekends? Did I not tell you that my family has a history of diabetes, high blood pressure and heart disease? Oh and cholesterol. Is it not bad enough that I stress myself out, that I need to hear your two cents? I agree that many doctors look at weight as being the main factor of illness, when sometimes genetically we are screwed anyways.I know sometimes I feel I looker than I am, because of the loose skin I've accumulated. Today's society is stuck on skinny as being healthy. NOT SO!

In this day and age of weight awareness, in schools, on TV, online, if you don't know you are overweight , there's a problem. Or you don't care and figure society will take care of you (which unfortunately will happen)

I can so relate, a few months ago, a large lady feel here at work outside, and she was not able to get up and we could not touch her, (liability stuff) the fire department is right behind where I work, they were here in minutes and then they called 2 more trucks. so total 6 people,to help her sit up, she was not so much hurt but embarrassed.. I was inside the office, I started crying, and my co-worker was what's wrong with you? I'm trying to explain to her, I understand and feel her pain, the embarrassment. She said you were never "that big". I 'was that's not the point, but I could tell she just didn't understand. Unless you've been in that position, you will never know what it feels like.

Make room for me on that wagon, I didn't realize how scared my husband had been for me until 8 months later, when visiting some friends. The wife told me he had been so scared for me, but because it was something I wanted so badly he supported me. I had talked to him before about it, but he said he was fine with it.. make sure everyone knows whats going on and validate their feelings. Yes ultimately the decision is ours but we have to think about them as well. I didn't tell my family not to tell anyone, it was a private issue. It was a private issue, until I was told that someone was commenting how good I looked and another so-called" friend, comments oh she didn't do it on her own, she had the lapband done and proceeds to put her own pictures of herself how she had lost weight on her own.Since I don't follow this persons comments I was unaware. I confronted this person and asked her to remove her comments , that it was a private problem and I didn't appreciate what she did. Not that I was embarrassed but it wasn't her place to tell people. She never said a word.. We are all doing this for our health, so we can be around longer for our loved ones and I know I said this to my family.I want to enjoy the rest of my life, living in the real world not sitting on the couch in front of the tv. good luck to all of us!

I too have struggled with anxiety, and have gone to therapy a couple times and am on meds, it was great since I have the lapband that I did not have any panic attacks but last week I had one, I was home, and I just doubled my medication (as Im told to do). What we have to realize, it doesn't just happen. It isn't just our bodies. Once Im calm, I have to stop and think, ok what was I doing, what was I thinking, am I worried. What's happening around me. I was one of those people that tended to "shelf problems " till finally the shelf broke . (me) We all have to realize that just because we have lost weight, that doesn't mean that some of our health problems will go away completely (anxiety being one). We just have to learn how to deal with it, and what helps us through those times. And I know that sometime I was worried about, consumed with fear and doubt, half the time turns out to be nothing. The best therapy, I have found, is being able to talk to someone about it, (my sister), my co-worker. I did feel like I was alone with this problem until I said something to sister and she had been on meds long before me! as well as co-worker, it was like I was the late bloomer. Anyways, I know I'm having problems right now, maybe change in weather and hormones, because one of the things I tend to do is go shopping for underwear. And I have been to the local Khols and Marshalls like 4 times in the past 2 weeks, yes buying bras and underwear. Oh well I needed new ones anyways. Stay strong everyone, we are too beautiful and have too much to live for to let this keep us down!

It hasn't been a year for me but I can relate, the doctor himself is kind enough but sometimes the office staff is bipolar. One day they are saying hi how you doing, looking good and then next visit, they act like they don't know who I am. I can understand that they seem many people, but there should be some familiarity after a year of being dr's patient.

Obesity is a physical sign of an unhealthy mindset. Most people believe that losing weight involves having willpower and being perfect. This is the wrong mindset to have. Your mindset is fueled by the conversations you have with yourself. If your internal conversations are positive and healthy, your mind will follow through. These inner talks can give you the motivation to keep going or the discouragement to quit. Another important part of permanent weight loss involves planning and perseverance. Failure and mistakes are inevitable. You have to learn how to accept them and move on. If you can't internally deal with failure, then you won't be able to move past it. This is different than defeat. Being defeated is letting failure win and letting your missteps ruin your success. The best way to keep failure from becoming defeat is by continuously working on a better mindset. Below are some ways to help you do that and keep you on the path to success. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF In order to do this, you have to give your all. No cliche excuses, no poor self-esteem, and no setting yourself up for failure with unrealistic goals. Trying your best can only produce positive outcomes. They may not be the outcomes you initially wanted, but believing in yourself is the first step to achieving what you set out to do. CREATE A ROUTINE Plan out your meals, plan out your exercise, and then follow through. The easiest way to get off track is not being prepared. Your willpower can only hold out for so long. Willpower is your brain's attempt to overcome your natural desires. Even though the brain is very commanding, natural tendencies will eventually win out. If you depend on willpower alone to lose weight, you will probably fail. If you create a rock-solid eating plan and put aside some time for exercise, then you will succeed. Meal plans, will help you learn how to stay on track and maintain your success without becoming overwhelmed. PERSEVERANCE Expect failure and embrace it. None of this matters unless you are willing to trek on, even in the face of failure. If you treat your mistakes as lessons learned and stay the course, you will succeed. If you succumb to your failure and project it inward, you will most likely fail, fall back to your old eating habits and continue to live an unhealthy lifestyle. Accepting defeat creates an unhealthy diet cycle that, for some, never stops. USE YOUR IMAGINATION If a healthy eating plan is not designed to fit your needs, then it becomes very hard for you to succeed. If you don't like the food, you're probably not going to eat it. If you don't like the exercise, you're probably not going to do it. Tweak and change plans in order to make a routine easier and more enjoyable to follow. Use your imagination to create the best diet plan for you! Choosing what you like to eat enables you to associate good thoughts and feelings with that food. Associating a healthy diet with positive feelings will help you to stick to the plan and be more successful in the long run. ALWAYS BE ACCOUNTABLE No one is responsible for your weight loss, except you. Don't blame your job, “body type”, family, or society; you will never succeed. Take control over yourself, decisions, and outlook on failures. Without positive accountability, there can never be lasting success. DEAL WITH YOUR EMOTIONS Many people will eat when they're sad, eat when they're happy, or eat when they're bored. Food is used as a coping mechanism for all sorts of things. If you want to change your body, then you have deal with the emotions that hinder your success. A good way to do this is only eating if you're hungry or when you have a meal planned out. If you plan ahead, then you are more likely to stay on track if your emotions get out of whack. CHANGE YOUR PROGRAMMING Most of us have been programmed to think that we're fat, unhealthy, and that we will never look or feel the way we want. Too often, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you tell yourself that you'll always be unhealthy, then that will probably be true. The opposite is also correct. If you tell yourself you want to be healthy, stay healthy, and lose weight no matter what obstacles you may face, then you are setting yourself up for success. STAY POSITIVE The best way to have a healthy mindset is to stay positive. Try to find good in everything and train your mind to think in the best interest of your body. Focus on replacing unhealthy thoughts with healthy ones and your body will start to follow suit. If you have any other questions or want to know more about how to have a healthy mindset, go over to our Facebook page by clicking the link at the top of the newsletter. You can talk with us and other dieters about anything you like. We want to hear about your successes and your failures in the hopes that people will learn from your mistakes and find motivation in your victories. I got this in an online post I recieve,

I had mine last Monday and I was nervous too, Our minds go back when we first had surgery and our tummys were still tender. and we felt pain, Its not like that at all and if you feel pain then tell your doctor, because you don't feel much different (depending on how much fill you get)

thats hard to deal with Im sure, but this is the time you should be relying on your new eating habits. the smaller bites, amounts. the lapband is a guiding tool for us and we need to rely on ourselves and not so much on the band. Hope things work out for you!