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I am 4 weeks post op, for 3 of those weeks I was off work. And being one of those people that live paycheck to paycheck never seeming to be able to save anything I've found myself basically out of cash. This wouldn't be such a big deal if I weren't still dealing with learning how to eat again, and my body's slow progression in handling less food and losing weight. All of these things lead me to having a panic attack Friday morning, heart beating what felt like out of my chest and of course I'm a weepy mess. I also had a dear friend and mentor pass away, but I think I've mentioned that in previous entries, it's an on going thing. My surgeon's office, Barker Bariatric, has been very helpful. They gave me many protein samples, although none of them have wowed me to be honest. But they are to help make sure that I can at least make it through to the 22nd when I get my first paycheck. The emotional stress of this whole process cannot be overstated. If you have a tendency or even diagnosis of depression, anxiety, or any mood disorders you will need to keep in close contact with your mental health provider. I never felt like hurting myself, but certainly the guilt of putting myself in this situation was and continues to be overwhelming. When you have your psychiatrist consultations be honest with them about who and how you are. MO people are fantastic at pushing things under the rug, and down playing the severity of situations. Perhaps you will be denied surgery, but consider that you being alive with extra weight on might be better than you going down a dark road of depression and possible suicide. Counseling might be a great way to getting help as well. I have a huge support network of family, friends, and other WLS patients who have been vital to my survival through this initial phase. I pray you find the same, Face Book has several WLS support groups, of course there are some here, your own town should have a face to face support group. Even if you don't feel like you have supportive family and current friends the WLS community is full of helpful people and you'll find a few that can help. If you are a paycheck to paycheck kind of person like me, expect that at the end of your leave of absence at work that you will probably be hurting for money, and might just freak out if your cupboards start to get bare and you run out of milk to mix with your protein shakes.

I am not sure exactly when it started. Some time into my re-ascent into morbid obesity, after the Lap-Band surgery failed, I stopped being a girl. First I grew out of all my jeans. Even my fat jeans, the one pair I had saved "just in case." I started wearing sweats all the time; at home, to the store, to the movies... Then it was my hair. I cut it short because I just couldn't be bothered to fix it. Why? I was always in jeans and tee shirts anyway, so what was the point? Then I stopped wearing makeup. I guess I just figured it didn't matter anyway, no one is looking at my face. I suppose it made me feel a little more invisible. I really wanted to be anonymous, nondescript. If I don't call attention to myself, maybe no one will notice how much weight I have gained... So here I am, refusing to buy clothing, even bras and undies, in "this" size. I need to punish myself for doing this to myself. Again. Or do I? Maybe I really don't want to be invisible. Maybe I do want to feel pretty again. Maybe I don't want to be uncomfortable all the time, everywhere I am. I want to cross my legs again. I want to be able to walk through the mall and not get winded while I am shopping for jeans. I want to walk up to the makeup counter at Macy's and say, "Make me pretty" because I want to FEEL pretty. I don't want to get rashes in my skin folds. I want to grow my hair. First thing I am going to buy when I am able to shop at a normal store is a pink Seahawks jersey. I tried to buy one last year, but I can only shop for shirts in mens' big and tall. They don't make pink Seahawks jerseys in mens' big and tall. Next football season I am going to dress like a girl.

11 Weeks Post OP Weight: 261 Total Weight Lost: -43.9 BMI: 42.3 Let’s just say that last week was a bad week. Personal issues topped off with work issues. Before the surgery I used to deal with stress by eating. I would get a pint of ice cream or stuff myself with whatever fast food restaurant was my obsession at the time. But now that I do not have that option anymore, how do I handle those bad days? Unfortunately I sacrificed my workouts. Instead of going to the gym and working out those frustrations of the week, I went home and hid from the world. By the end of the week I was disappointed in myself for not keeping my momentum going and got back on the exercise track. I feel more accomplished at the end of the day when I have done some sort of workout. Eating is still going good. I am still consuming less than 1000 calories a day. It continues to blow my mind. I don’t feel like I am depriving myself. I have started to notice things are getting easier every day. Walking up the stairs to my apartment. Simple movements that used to be difficult are now slightly easier. It feels good to know that these changes are happening and that it will only continue to get better! The best thing is seeing people that I haven’t seen in a long period of time. I had breakfast with my grandma last week and she was astonished with how I looked. She was amazed. I haven’t seen here since a week post op. I really looking forward to November when I see my parents whom I haven’t seen since last November and my brother whom I haven’t seen since one month post op. Other than that, not much more to report. All is well and moving forward. I am continuing to do my workouts and training. Three month post op follow up in a couple of weeks.