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On January 15h I will be going to my 4th appointment with my primary doctor. It will be another bad appointment... I spend Christmas with my daughter in Phoenix, AZ and we ate a LOT. We are all experienced cooks and her husband is a gourmet cook. And eat is what we do - We eat to celebrate, we eat because we love it - truly enjoy it - and whenver I come to visit them, which happens once or twice a year, everyone cooks their specialty and we eat enough to last us the whole year. As I read "Beyond the Refrigerator" I see myself on those pages. I know my weight problem is more than just lbs on a scale - there is an eating disorder there. An eating disorder that I have passed on to my daughter, who seems now to struggle just as much as I do. The worst thing about our eating disorder is that no matter how big or small we are at a given time - we just can't see it. We "Feel" fat regardless and we allow that to dictate how we feel about ourselves, what kind of mood we are in that day, what we wear, where we go - if we go... My daughter is about 30 lbs overweight since the baby (He's 18 months) as she is still nursing him (Attachment Parenting). But she might as well be 130 lbs overweight as awful as she feels all the time. It's really heartbreaking to see her anguish and pain and to know I have (as a single parent) taught her to be that way. That is all she knows. I know it's time for optimism and positive thoughts and New Year Resolutions but all I think about is how my choices have affected my girls in the past and how my future choices/ Surgery/ Weight loss will affect them in the future. I know there is no point in worrying and pre ocupying myself, but my heart is not at peace for them. Anyway - I am going to begin a low carb, high protein regimen this weekend (when I can get to the grocery store) and work on those 13-20 lbs weight loss I need to accomplish pre-surgery.

So I've been waiting since March 2013 for confirmation off funding for the Gastric Sleeve, Still nothing. My hospital hasn't called me either. I have called them roughly 4 times, and they keep saying that it's sorted that end, we just need funding confirmation. So I tried and tried and tried until I gave up.. Most people are just like "You haven't given up, it just takes time" but I did give up. I've had to see people who have less heath issues, weigh less, tried less and still don't like the outcome get the operation. Jelousy really isn't the word, more like anger but so so bitter, such a hypocrite, if someone wants something so bad and they work for it, they deserve it, right? I have tried for this operation for years, and I've only just realised that the last 3 (ish?) months, I haven't tried. I'm really angry with myself! All that time I could of been chasing them up, doing everything in my power for an answer, even if it means bugging them, I shouldn't care. So yeah it's now 2014 and I haven't got a new year resolution, I have goals. Chase them up on the operation - I won't give up! I can't. They promised me this operation, so now I have to work to get it. 2. Don't be so down - I have been really down on myself lately, and I joke my way through it but I now know that I need to be positive and know that I CAN do this! 3. Socialize - I literally can spend days just at home offering to babysit or just on the laptop/writing. Just so I don't have to go out, I hate it when people look at me, my mind automatically turns to paranoia "they're talking about me" "she's judging me" funny thing is, I was the one judging them for thinking they're judging me. 4. Diet! - Yess I gave up on that too, I need to loose some more before I go bug the surgeon. So yeah, that's all I have so far, but it's a start, right? Hopefully this time next year I'm well on my way and hopefully without jinxing it, waiting/had the sleeve done. I'm only really making this blog so I can motivate myself and look back in a few years and (hopefully) be proud of myself. I'll be posting every week, so for now.. That's it

This is very hard. My date for surgery is January 14. Yesterday I started my Optifast diet. Shakes (vanilla and choclate) are okay and so are the soups. Not so fond of the bars--hope they will change out the bars for more soup. Back to work tomorrow so will see how it goes, Hopefully I will be VERY busy and that will keep my mind off food. Any suggestions, tips, recommendations are very welcome. Still trying to figure out protein drinks for post-surgery. Today - 232 lbs. Hope to keep this updated every day.