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How you doin'? Me, not so good.

The same three pounds are on and off. I'm essentially the same weight I was this time last year. I know if I worked harder at it I would have more success. My food choices are for the most part good. Im sure there could be more tweaking but realistically I can't do any better. Exercise is the hard part. If I could do 3-5 days a week I know I would be a success. I responded well to coaching but I've hit my $$ limit. Personal trainers work but are expensive!! I can not afford to invest any more. I had reduced the sessions to once a week thinking that would stretch out the time I had and hold me accountable. Ha! Even with me paying for him to care I could tell he was losing interest. Today it really hit me because I went to my trainers only to find he is out of business. I had prepaid for my sessions and am now out that $$. I wish I had someone in my life that cared more about my health then I do.   My job is sucky. I do the financial side of the business and can see that the company is sinking. We are downsizing like crazy and moving the office to a smaller location but I think I will need to be looking for another job soon. Which sucks because Im socially close to my boss & his family and that friendship will suffer. Ya more stress.   I gotta say Im feeling like a failure. I used to look in the mirror and think I looked good. Big yes, but good. Now I just see hanging, flabby, rolls of skin.   I am the stereotypical fat person. I complain about the situation but am not willing to actually do the hard work that is necessary.   Not sure why I felt the need to come over here and darken your day. Guess I just needed to unburden. Feeling guilty.
ajoneen

ajoneen

4
 

Holy Crap #251 I hoped I'd never see that number again.

HI folks It's hard to put this in writing but it has to happen if I am going to do anything about it. I was 254 when I was banded March of 08. I hit my lowest of 206 late last summer. I am as of a few minutes ago 251. My downhill slide started Nov 08. The scale got stuck or bounced up and down. I continued to work with my trainer but my food choices were not good. At my one year (3/09)with the Dr he said he was very impressed (Ha?) and to keep up the good work. Well sadly that did not happen. I had highs- going on a once in a lifetime trip to Alaska June 09 (and lows)only to have my Mom pass away the night before I left. Early summer I went to the Drs office for a fill and was told by the PA "No, go home and work on the diet, the band is working fine". Mid summer my gym closed unexpectedly because of bankruptcy and my prepaid training sessions went with it. Fall 09 saw great stress when my office downsized- BIG time. (my job is still on life support). It doesn't help to have a husband(in great shape) who "loves me no matter what size" and doesn't give me the tough love I've asked for in regards to food choices(junk food in the house, eating out most meals) and exercise habits. I've had to buy new larger size clothes after tossing all the old ones thinking I would never need them again. I received a letter from my Drs office last week addressed "To Whom It May Concern" that they haven't seen me (ya sure you don't even know my name) in a while and should make a appointment. Now that's cold. I really want to call and make that appointment but am very afraid. This band is a blessing and a curse. I've never felt like such a failure before. But without it I probably never would have done 2 triathlons. I came back here hoping to find some of the support that was so, well, supportive 2 years ago. I have to remember why I got banded in the first place.
ajoneen

ajoneen

4
 

Hello my name is Amanda

I've been hanging around, reading posts and journals for a while now. I really respect the folks that are recording their lives here. I don't know how long I will be able to keep this up. I'm not much of a writer and I'm sooo glad there is spell check. But Im going to try. Maybe someone will read something I write and get something from it. I know I've got a lot from the journals I'm currently following.   So here goes:   My name's Amanda. I'm 41, married to a wonderfully supportive guy and have 2 step sons (30 & 31)I'm very close too, and we live in the Northeast. I am the CFO of a small company, so I work at my desk, in my office, all day and it doesn't leave much opportunity to move around during the day.   My weight has been up and down all my life. Mostly up. I'm at my heaviest and not liking myself much lately. My husband and I like to keep busy and we do many sports together (golf, biking, walking, shopping(involves lots of walking!!)) and I love everything to do with the water (kayaking, sailing, fishing, boating, swimming). In 2005 I was on a 3 person team that completed a triathlon. My goal is to do the triathlon again. (UPDATE ON AUG 2, 2008 I COMPLETED MY FIRST SOLO TRIATHLON!!)   I've been looking into the LapBand for about 2 years, ever since my sister-in-law got it. She has since had it removed because it was eroding, but says she would have another put in if she could. About 2 months ago I went to my first information session and consultation with the surgeon. I have since jumped through all the hoops (psych,nutrition,upper GI,pulmonary and cardiac clearance, diet history, blood tests). So far so good. I stopped by the Dr.'s office to see how things were progressing last Friday. They have received all the information and will now submit to insurance. Then they will call with a surgery date. The desk lady said I should be hearing in a week. So I wait. I've been working on eating meals without drinking. It does make me feel full faster. I'm going to sign up at the gym after the first of the year. I've lined up with my company to take a week off after my surgery, hopefully in mid January.   A word about the pre-tests. I breezed through the cardio, pulmonary, blood, nutrition and diet history. It was the psych that messed me up. I've had some hard times these past few years. Many deaths (a very dear friend from suicide and all grandparents, a daughter-in-law, my father-in-law and mother-in-law. I guess I'm a bit depressed. This Dr had me thinking I have some real problems and they might get in the way of her passing me for the surgery. I figured I flunked the psych part. Is that possible I asked my husband? Well I didn't hear anything further from her so I guess I didn't flunk. But gees I am an intelligent person that goes to work each day, am very successful, happily married and don't beat my dog. This lady had me doubting myself. I'm just fat, not suicidal! I'm glad I don't have to see her again. So I wait. I've decided not to tell most folks about the surgery until it happens or someone asks after. My business and all that. My close friends and family know. I'll need their support. Well I guess that's it for now. I hope to chronicle as often as possible or when the facts allow. Comments are welcome and appreciated. TTFN :cursing:  
ajoneen

ajoneen

3
 

Hard work pays off.

Ok I seem to bitch alot in the Blog about stalling so I guess I should be fair and post about when it is working.   Hard work pays off. I've started the downward trend again. Finally. But in retrospect I have to say I wasn't really consistent with my efforts.   Since my level of activity has always been pretty active, for my body to lose weight, I really have to kick it up a few notches. So daily runs/jogs/walks and multiple weight training days are needed to boost my metabolism. Upping my water/fluid consumption has seemed to be something that helps too.   This is also a more active time of year for me with the addition of water sports and more sunshine.   So to those of you struggling- Just keep at it.   TTFN, Amanda
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

Goals

I've been thinking alot about goals lately. I'm not a goal driven person, I do tasks. I see something that needs doing and do it. I'm more of an intuitive person, it either feels right so I do it or wrong and I stay away. I don't know what it is about writing out goals but I just seem to stall out. I look forward and see some things I would like different but can't seem to set a plan for it. Maybe that is the thing that needs to be different with the band. Goals. So why can't I set a few goals? I don't like to fail. Ok so set some easy goals. *start the day with 30min on treadmill. *work with trainer weekly. Be on time and ready to workout. *log all food weekly. Be truthful.   Do I want to set a weight goal? *lose 2 lbs this week.   Will see about next week.   Longer term goal? *200lbs by my wedding anniversary. Thats 1.6lbs a week.   What will I do to achieve these goals?   **I paid the trainer up front for the whole year. Big $$ so that's something. **I need to recruit some friends to give me a call to get my mojo going in the morning. **I will post my anniversary goal on my mirror with a wedding photo(last time I was 200lbs).   I think this is a good start.   Comments are always welcome. Thanks!    
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

Giving myself some tough love.

I've ordered 2 books to help get the eating back on track and 1 to help with exercise: 5 Day Pouch Test Owner's Manual, by Kaye Bailey
Day 6: Beyond the 5 Day Pouch Test, By Kaye Bailey
A Walking guide & Daily log.
So this week I have become more aware of what I am eating and how much. I haven't started the journal yet, but soon. I noticed that I've been skipping breakfast and snacking for no good reason.   Next week will be getting breakfast on a daily basis, and cutting out mindless snacking. I did better losing when I started the home fires of my metabolism when I first got up. I hope I also work up the courage to call my Dr. about a fill.
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

Getting back in the groove.

I've been tracking my food & exercise for the last week on SparkPeople. Accountability and all that.   I'm holding off on the 5 day pouch test for now. Can't say why, it just doesn't seem the right time.   I'm getting out and playing golf twice a wk(I walk, not ride) and the driving range once a wk for at least 1 hr.   Mainly I'm being more responsible and conscious for food choices and making time to move my body.
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

Fill'er up.

I had my first fill today. I thought I was going to have to talk the Dr into it but he just said "sure if you really want one". 1.5cc in the 4cc band. I've heard horror stories about fills being tough, Dr digging to get the port, but it was a breeze. I don't know if it was the excitement or what but I got a little lightheaded for a few minutes after. So now its liquids for a few days then soft.
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

cough, cough, sneeze

I have a cold. I've been coughing up a lung. I can't help but wonder what a cold will be like with the band. I've read about pouches filling up with post nasal drip and coughing so hard it feels like its ripping the stitches of the port or possibly causing the band to slip. Cold medicine, will I be able to take whatever I need too? Back to bed. :sick   The up side is the scale went down.
ajoneen

ajoneen

2
 

Cleaning out the cabinets

All of my orders have arrived. Kind of like a late Christmas. Now what to do with it all. I started to poke around in the cabinets in the kitchen. I've got a lot of junk. Every flavor of pudding and Jello I like, boxed mac & cheese, six shapes of pasta, a bunch of sauces and marinades that looked good in the store , three boxes of swiss-miss cocoa, a few cans of nuts, and tons of other stuff I would really like to munch/snack on. Every door held another taboo food. This is not good. No matter where I put all my new food (protein drinks) next to it will be something more tasty. It's all got to go. My husband walked in on me tossing his chocolate covered cashews in the overflowing Hefty bag. Not good. Just because I have no willpower doesn't mean he can't pick a snack out of his kitchen. So I compromised and through out all my old bad stuff, put his stuff back and cleaned out one cabinet for all my new stuff . I've been working on not drinking with meals and eating at regular intervals (thanks to my nifty new watch). I've having a protein drink each morning for breakfast and sometimes lunch if I 'm really busy. The weather here is quite cold, I'm busy and I haven't been getting any exercise. It's just hard to move this big body around. Differently something I have to work on. TTFN Comments are always welcome.
ajoneen

ajoneen

4
 

Bitch and moan.

I've been indulging in treats of the sweets & booze variety. Plus I've not worked with my trainer for 2 weeks. I had a stupidly huge meal the day after Christmas. The only saving grace was that it was pretty much the only thing I eat that day.   Im actually a bit depressed how easily I have slipped back to my former self. It has been almost a year of changing food habits and trying to create exercise habits and nothing stuck. It is so not true about doing something for a certain amount of time (3 weeks, 3 months ???) and it becomes a (new) habit. I am very fearful that this will be like other attempts. It is only a matter of time before the weight comes back, plus more. Maybe I should have had my damn stomach stapled.     PS I have also developed a F*%&ing hemorrhoid!!! WONDERFUL
ajoneen

ajoneen

6
 

Belly bruise

I was taking some warm weather clothes down from the attic today. They are in plastic boxes and a bit heavy. I was bracing one on my belly, (like I have always done, nice soft landing zone), when it slid down over my port. OUCH!! Man I thought I scrapped that little bugger off my muscle. I have a bruise now and the port area is tender like when I first got it. Geeze I hope I didn't rip/pull a stitch. Update on eating/drinking- Im doing great on calories/protein. I could do better on getting my water in. The scale is still going down though.
ajoneen

ajoneen

3
 

Bad food prep=puke, almost.

I had a bit of a scare in the mall yesterday. I had some soup and a few minutes later my stomach was a bit unnerved. Well I went to the health food store and got some ginger. That and alot of water to wash it through seemed to help. I did get diarrhea, but I didn't puke. I got really nervous thinking about getting sick and the band slipping.
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

Another 2 bite the dust!

So for all my bitching lately I lost two pounds this week. It is about time!! I know it is not directly from the band because I've been struggling with portions. I called the Dr and pleaded my case, he moved up the fill by a week. I wish I could get in before 5-30. I don't want to piss him off.     Whatever right. Im rejoicing in the loss.
ajoneen

ajoneen

3
 

Am I trading what I want most for what I want at the moment?

I have found a new mantra:   Am I trading what I want most for what I want at the moment? Weather it is more/high calorie food or vegging/watching TV and not exercising. I keep hearing "look at this in the long term" because I'm bitching about slow weight loss. It has been 26 weeks since I decided something had to change and began this process mindfully. If I go by my scale I have lost 50 lbs, (according to the Dr who is going by a different date and scale 40lbs.) Averaged out that's 1.92 a week and well within the standards of healthy weight loss. That makes me feel a little bit better. Still I know there is a golden time with the band, 24 months. That is the optimal time to lose with the band. I feel the clock ticking away and hope I have the personal strength to get what has to be done, done.   Do I want this the most?  
ajoneen

ajoneen

1
 

6/26/08

Ive started my training for the Triathlon. Feels good to have a focus.   Weight loss stalled. Haven't lost for the last week. I think it is because it has been hot here and I have been reaching for the juice. To many calories.   I've been tired lately too. Perhaps because of the increased exercise. I think I will be hitting the pillow early tonight.   TTFN
ajoneen

ajoneen

3
 

6/17/08- sorry no witty title.

I rescheduled the training sessions I will miss while on jury duty. I going to have a few late nights and a chunk out of a Saturday but Im happy not to be missing the time in the gym. I do feel better/happier while I am working out. My trainer was not available for the night workouts so Im giving another a try.   I cleared my desk at work so I can go to jury duty with a clear conscience. I know I will have to come in a few evenings or no one is going to get paid.   The scale still seems to be going down. Happy dance. I have a fill scheduled for 7/7. All is good.   Im off to my book.
ajoneen

ajoneen

1

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