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Im Back In The Saddle Again

Im coming to a place I've seen before- I am within view of 200(currently 212). This seems to be one of my biggest hurdles. I've been working really hard at the gym since last Feb, when I started a 3 day a week "Team WeightlossTraining" which includes a half hour of nutrition a week. Last week I completed another Triathlon. Right now activity isn't a problem. I sucked it up, made an appoingment and dragged a very supportive friend to the band Dr. in Feburary and it wasn't nearly as bad as I had thought it would be. I've been back twice since(2 fills) and have had a barium swallow to make sure the band/pouch was in good shape. The band is holding up its end of the bargin.   Im scared shitless that something will come along and derail me again.   Im glad I had the courage to write this blog in the first place, rereading some of the old entries was hard but I've also learned alot about myself.   Peace A
ajoneen

ajoneen

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Getting back in the groove.

I've been tracking my food & exercise for the last week on SparkPeople. Accountability and all that.   I'm holding off on the 5 day pouch test for now. Can't say why, it just doesn't seem the right time.   I'm getting out and playing golf twice a wk(I walk, not ride) and the driving range once a wk for at least 1 hr.   Mainly I'm being more responsible and conscious for food choices and making time to move my body.
ajoneen

ajoneen

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Giving myself some tough love.

I've ordered 2 books to help get the eating back on track and 1 to help with exercise: 5 Day Pouch Test Owner's Manual, by Kaye Bailey
Day 6: Beyond the 5 Day Pouch Test, By Kaye Bailey
A Walking guide & Daily log.
So this week I have become more aware of what I am eating and how much. I haven't started the journal yet, but soon. I noticed that I've been skipping breakfast and snacking for no good reason.   Next week will be getting breakfast on a daily basis, and cutting out mindless snacking. I did better losing when I started the home fires of my metabolism when I first got up. I hope I also work up the courage to call my Dr. about a fill.
ajoneen

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To fill or not to fill??

I haven't had a fill in over a year. I wanted one the last time I had an appointment (6/09) but my Dr was out (I've only been filled by my Dr) and I saw the PA. She said after a few questions NO FILL. Go home and work on the diet. It is now a year later, I've regained A LOT and am now afraid and embarrassed to go see my Dr.   I think I will cry went I see my Dr. I was doing well before the PA shut me down. He was proud of me. She made me feel like there wasn't anything the band could do for me now. It was all up to me. Now Im, well I don't want to say a failure, but gosh what else would I be??   So do I knuckle down and try to again lose by myself or suck it up and go to the DR??   Has anyone else had to suck it up? How did that go?
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Holy Crap #251 I hoped I'd never see that number again.

HI folks It's hard to put this in writing but it has to happen if I am going to do anything about it. I was 254 when I was banded March of 08. I hit my lowest of 206 late last summer. I am as of a few minutes ago 251. My downhill slide started Nov 08. The scale got stuck or bounced up and down. I continued to work with my trainer but my food choices were not good. At my one year (3/09)with the Dr he said he was very impressed (Ha?) and to keep up the good work. Well sadly that did not happen. I had highs- going on a once in a lifetime trip to Alaska June 09 (and lows)only to have my Mom pass away the night before I left. Early summer I went to the Drs office for a fill and was told by the PA "No, go home and work on the diet, the band is working fine". Mid summer my gym closed unexpectedly because of bankruptcy and my prepaid training sessions went with it. Fall 09 saw great stress when my office downsized- BIG time. (my job is still on life support). It doesn't help to have a husband(in great shape) who "loves me no matter what size" and doesn't give me the tough love I've asked for in regards to food choices(junk food in the house, eating out most meals) and exercise habits. I've had to buy new larger size clothes after tossing all the old ones thinking I would never need them again. I received a letter from my Drs office last week addressed "To Whom It May Concern" that they haven't seen me (ya sure you don't even know my name) in a while and should make a appointment. Now that's cold. I really want to call and make that appointment but am very afraid. This band is a blessing and a curse. I've never felt like such a failure before. But without it I probably never would have done 2 triathlons. I came back here hoping to find some of the support that was so, well, supportive 2 years ago. I have to remember why I got banded in the first place.
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How you doin'? Me, not so good.

The same three pounds are on and off. I'm essentially the same weight I was this time last year. I know if I worked harder at it I would have more success. My food choices are for the most part good. Im sure there could be more tweaking but realistically I can't do any better. Exercise is the hard part. If I could do 3-5 days a week I know I would be a success. I responded well to coaching but I've hit my $$ limit. Personal trainers work but are expensive!! I can not afford to invest any more. I had reduced the sessions to once a week thinking that would stretch out the time I had and hold me accountable. Ha! Even with me paying for him to care I could tell he was losing interest. Today it really hit me because I went to my trainers only to find he is out of business. I had prepaid for my sessions and am now out that $$. I wish I had someone in my life that cared more about my health then I do.   My job is sucky. I do the financial side of the business and can see that the company is sinking. We are downsizing like crazy and moving the office to a smaller location but I think I will need to be looking for another job soon. Which sucks because Im socially close to my boss & his family and that friendship will suffer. Ya more stress.   I gotta say Im feeling like a failure. I used to look in the mirror and think I looked good. Big yes, but good. Now I just see hanging, flabby, rolls of skin.   I am the stereotypical fat person. I complain about the situation but am not willing to actually do the hard work that is necessary.   Not sure why I felt the need to come over here and darken your day. Guess I just needed to unburden. Feeling guilty.
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the mental game

I went to the fill appointment today. My regular Dr was out so I saw the PA. Wow what a difference. I always had a problem with my Dr telling me he was ok with my progress and not really giving me motivation to keep going. Well the PA didn't pull any punches. She quizzed me on my food choices and made suggestions on alternatives. She said she could give me a fill but didn't think it would help with the things or the way I am eating. It would probably just make me get stuck and have a unfill. I am just choosing foods too soft and not substantial enough to stick with me. And of course not making the best choice with high calorie stuff. She explained how having a glass of wine before a meal just relaxes the pouch enough that you don't feel the full signal and over eat. Duh? I always knew I eat more when I drink. Now I know why.   So it's back to the mental game. Remembering the why of doing this and figuring out the how.
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Hard work pays off.

Ok I seem to bitch alot in the Blog about stalling so I guess I should be fair and post about when it is working.   Hard work pays off. I've started the downward trend again. Finally. But in retrospect I have to say I wasn't really consistent with my efforts.   Since my level of activity has always been pretty active, for my body to lose weight, I really have to kick it up a few notches. So daily runs/jogs/walks and multiple weight training days are needed to boost my metabolism. Upping my water/fluid consumption has seemed to be something that helps too.   This is also a more active time of year for me with the addition of water sports and more sunshine.   So to those of you struggling- Just keep at it.   TTFN, Amanda
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Stress. Yay

Hi all. I 've been having a bit of stress here. My mom(77yrs) broke her leg, compound fractures of the tibia and fibula. She has had one surgery and is expected to have a few more. Problem is she is not healing. Dr's say that if healing doesn't start or if an infection sets in they will have to amputate. Oh ya my parents live in California. Long distance stress.   Seems petty to also bitch about work stress. I was out all last week- yes I know it was a vacation but no one does my job when Im out. I can only imagine what it will be like the week before the cruise, in June and the weeks after.   Im visiting my sister this weekend (was planned before the vacation). She is in Kansas City, so more time on planes- probably in thunderstorms-yay.   Saw the eye Dr yesterday- I need glasses. yay.   Not losing weight. Actually really struggling to keep stable. I never knew stress to cause me to eat but now with food such an ever present focus it is the first place to take the stress hit. Well that and exercising- no energy- but I drag my A*s to the trainer because I pre-paid for that.   Im a little low right now. I need to count my blessings; husband, family, friends, home, employed, 80lbs down form my high.   Just breathe. Thanks for listening.
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No such luck. Any suggestions?

I've been logging my food and that food has been healthy and in good proportions. Im measuring and weighting everything. If anything I am a bit low in calories. I cut out the social drinking, which in the past has resulted in at least a few lbs lost. No such luck this time. I've kicked up the work outs because my first Triathlon of the season is 15 days away. Plus I've added yoga. I was hoping there was an inches change but no such luck. I thought I had started losing again when 3 weeks ago I had a nice loss but some came back.   I had a fill 3/6. I'm not hungry between meals but I KNOW if I choose to have bigger portions it wouldn't be a problem. No sticking, PB's, sliming (which is wonderful).   My body doesn't seem ready to break this plateau.   Any suggestions?
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Just get stuff done.

I woke up this morning wondering why, again I lay there like a slug. My mind trying to figure out the motivation question and wasting time. This is a pool morning. I LOVE swimming. Where is my MoJo?   Then I read my Horoscope today:   Why worry about what is holding you back from reaching your goals when there seems to be no way to determine what exactly it is? You're fretting and stressing over a mystery that might never be solved -- and it's a huge waste of your precious energy. So today, just get moving forward and focus more on doing things rather than on all the subliminal stuff that you'll never be able to pin down. You just need to get stuff done.   Happily I did get to the pool and I do feel invigorated.   I just have to stop thinking so much and just get stuff done.      
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No, Im not a failure. Thanks for asking.

HI all.   Im hearing alot of self bashing going on. Believe me I'm just as hard on myself. I think there is something happening that needs to be looked into. It is a vicious cycle.   Scale stops moving, "I must be a failure". Didn't exercise for a few days "I must be a failure". Shouldn't have eaten that cookie "I'm a failure". Im not at goal "I failed"   I'm a failure so I might as well; -eat all the other cookies - just lay in bed - sit and watch another mind numbing TV show -look back and beat myself up for all my short comings.   Yep the motivation isn't as strong as when we first started this journey. Im not sure I will ever be that motivated again. But to say I'm a failure is just not correct. These last few weeks I've been trying to find my MoJo again. When I have a particularity good day I try to see what made it so good. Why did I bounce out of bed, work so hard with my trainer, take the dog for a walk and go to yoga class? Plus I made good food choices. So what gives? Is there a way to bottle this and reproduce it on the days Im just not getting it in gear?   Because when Im at that place where I don't want to move my body or the peanut butter is looking really good willpower is out the door. It is really easy to say F it I'm just not meant to lose another 10lbs (or 1lb).   So Im left to try to acknowledge what works. Really mindfully acknowledge that something is going right. Maybe even write myself notes of encouragement to the sorry self I might be the next day. Focus on the good. We all know what we are bad at. What is hard. Directing your energy to trying to figure out a negative will just keep you in that negative place. So why not find what you're good at and build on that.   Do you work out more consistently with another person? Well make it your business to get a buddy or join a group. Do you need to make a commitment to something? Do a charity walk where they have training help. Like the Avon 3 Day Walk. Does telling your story about the band and your decision to get it remind you why you did this in the first place? Than offer to talk at your Drs support group or informational meeting. Be a mentor here on LBT. Do you do well with a list or goals? Than write a few and support them with an action plan of how you will succeed. Do you struggle with food choices? Start using The Daily Plate/Calorie King or whatever. Set yourself up with a menu for the next day or the whole week. Make a list before you go shopping, and stick to it.   You get the idea. Find what works. Baby steps. Stop beating yourself up about what you haven't done. Be kind to yourself. -Since I choose not to have another cookie I feel empowered. -That walk yesterday really energized me, how can I fit in another one tomorrow? -I have come so far on my journey and Im still committed to a more healthy lifestyle.   We all slip up. Sometimes for a day sometimes for a few weeks. Main thing is you have it within yourself to make the change. For Gods sake at some point you were motivated enough to get the band. Pat yourself on the back and shout "WooHoo!" Move forward. Tomorrow is a new day.   I think you're doing a great job!!
ajoneen

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Im back in the game!

Ok after my major whine-fest I'm back on track. Back to the trainer twice a week. I have an exercise focus again. Which seems to be the only way to keep my mind interested in moving the bod. I've entered the 2009 Muddy Buddy Ride & Run in Richmond VA. with my husband. He's not all that happy but he wants me to succeed so he's supporting me in my whim. I'm trying to keep food choices good and think I'm succeeding about half the time. Better than nothing. I have an appointment for a fill on Monday because I've been stupidly hungry most of the time. Best of all I'm back in the game. :confused: Yay me!
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Bitch and moan.

I've been indulging in treats of the sweets & booze variety. Plus I've not worked with my trainer for 2 weeks. I had a stupidly huge meal the day after Christmas. The only saving grace was that it was pretty much the only thing I eat that day.   Im actually a bit depressed how easily I have slipped back to my former self. It has been almost a year of changing food habits and trying to create exercise habits and nothing stuck. It is so not true about doing something for a certain amount of time (3 weeks, 3 months ???) and it becomes a (new) habit. I am very fearful that this will be like other attempts. It is only a matter of time before the weight comes back, plus more. Maybe I should have had my damn stomach stapled.     PS I have also developed a F*%&ing hemorrhoid!!! WONDERFUL
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Time Lapse

OK here are some pics. Surgery, 3months and 8 months.   [ATTACH]72[/ATTACH]
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Wow- one year

So its been a year since I found this site and essentially started my journey.   I started at 284lbs. Im 210lbs today. I would love to have lost 100 lbs by my bandiversary March 4. Should be doable.   My eating habits have changed drastically, and yet I really don't feel deprived. I just don't need to eat what/the way I used to anymore.   I'm sleeping better then I have in years. I think it is a combination of less weight and more activity. A motivated day makes for blissful sleep.   I love being able to shop in the 'regular' sections. I think it is important to have a few good outfits that fit well. Seeing my body change toward what I dream is very exciting.   I never had an operation or was hospitalized before being banded. Now I'm seriously thinking about plastic surgery. I'll be trading a few scars for the body of my dreams. Doable.
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Im feeling pretty good. Thanks for asking.

For the most part I have a handle on my eating. I've been experimenting with more 'color' on my plate. Veggies and fruit.   I just wish my husband didn't like nuts so much. I want the nuts out of the house!!! I could just munch away while reading a book all afternoon.   Im working with a Health and Wellness Coach. Trying to get to the root of some of my unhealthy issues. Like why I regained every time I have dieted in the past. Setting some goals for diet and exercise. Learning to Love and Accept myself. Learning I am worth the hard work and the resulting 'body of my dreams'. It could be all a bunch of gobbley-gook but I want to give myself the best chance for success. I'm focusing alot of time, energy and $$ on this effort (the band and all).   I gave yoga another shot this morning. I'm glad I did it in my home. That sticky mat is, well sticky. I either had a wedgie or flashing a butt crack the whole time. I don't think I'm ready for a class yet.     75lbs gone 50lbs to go!!!
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Just a little update.

Hi all. I had a tiny fill today, but I know something is different. Maybe this will be the sweet spot. :wink2:   On the hunger front I'm actually fine. I make it between meals without getting unusually hungry. My problem is portion. I eat out a lot (work + it's just DH & I for dinner) EVERYTHING looks so good on the menu. I try to keep it to appetizer portion but even those can be large. Plus I'm talking while Im eating and before I know it everything on the plate is gone. Booze is also an issue. When I socialize I like to have my glass(es!) of wine. That calorie count can add up. Then a little nibble here or there and BANG!! the pounds come on. :tongue2:   I've been keeping up with the trainer 3 times a week with cardio after each session. I swim 45min once a week. I didn't make my goal of being my wedding weight on my anniversary. I'm 15lbs off. :mad2:   How about 0nerLand for the New Year. That would be 18lbs for me, which sounds like a lot cause I've only lost 9lbs this last 3 months. Hmmm I'lll give it a shot. :smile2:   Man Im sitting here drinking water and it really is going down slow. I will be so bummed if Im too tight and have problems. :sad:   On the port discomfort front. I still feel it quite a bit. I asked my Dr and he said that it's normal & the padding over the port is "melting away" (his words).   I broke down and bought a bunch of supportive underwear. Wow it really makes a difference in how my clothes fit, very smooth. It just feels weird having a waistband almost at my bra line.   Ok enough said. Bye:wink2:
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Yes, life is good.

I have recommitted myself. I have an exercise focus. I found a Duathlon (Duathlon - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia) in my area on Oct 19th. I'm journaling my food . Got to keep a handle on intake. I'm seeing the Dr. on the 9/19, possibly for another fill.   Im taking an opportunity to do some volunteer work. Horse therapy. Once a week.   I've stated to donate platelets again.   Yes life is good.
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jiggle...slap

I knew losing weight would mean my skin would become loose. I was not prepared for the resulting sounds that came with it.   I am disgusted by what I hear when I'm working out. The skin of my stomach is slapping against itself. Today my trainer asked if the noise he was hearing was from my knee. Was it popping? I said yes, finished the session and almost ran out of the gym. I was so embarrassed.   I want to cry, but I know exercise is the only was to get rid of the weight.
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Plans went overboard

All my planning for the cruise was for not. I actually gained 7 pounds. Good news is that I have also lost it. (I think a lot of the pounds were water weight from traveling) So Im back to pre vacation weight.   I also returned with a cold(explains the weight loss). So working with the trainer is out until Friday.   I think I will go have some soup.
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Sailing away. Bon Voyage.

I leave Saturday for my cruise to Bermuda.(this is the trip my wonder DH surprised me with for all my hard work with the band) I'm packed and ready. I absolutely LOVE cruises. Bonus it departs from a port only 40 minutes away, so no airport nightmares. I've packed work out clothes, running shoes, couch 2 5k podcasts and signed up for two rather active land excursions. A mountain biking tour of the island and a kayak tour of the sea coast. So I think I will be staying on track with exercise. I am worried about all the wonderful food. I will have to be at the top of my game when it comes to menu choice and not being tempted by the between meals snacking. Then there's the booze. I have a 1:2 plan, for every cocktail I drink I will have to drink 2 glasses of water. I think pre-planning will be the key to not gaining on vacation. Dare I dream to perhaps lose?
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I am a triathlete!!

I did my first triathlon this morning. I finished and wasn't even dead last.   The Band has really made this dream come true for me. :redface:
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