Hello,

2 years post surgery - May 1

May 07 - 247# - June 09 - 120#

Can I tell you that my life changed after surgery? Almost like a 180 flip. I want to know if anyone else ever experienced this?

One particular change:

Before surgery - worked 2 jobs, very direct attitude, alone (without a man) - but not lonely, so what if it's not perfect, it's done... I had my days, but I enjoyed my life...

Today - works from home - hardly ever venturing out due to panic attacks, and ending 2nd "marginal" relationship in 18 months, preparing for a "vacation" for a few weeks with a friend to "get my head together" and fix my aimless life.

I miss the strong solid woman I used to be. Did I lose her when I lost my weight?

Can anyone relate to this?

You didn't lose her, she lost her "protective shell."

The weight provided you with the comfort that you were "safe" and no one could touch (hurt) you through that flesh wall.

When you lost the weight (your wall), you hadn't developed any protective/self-protection mechanisms, and now are feeling fearful.

You can fix it with a good counselor. That doesn't mean you are "broken," just that your weight was more than just uncontrolled eating or more calories in than you burned.

You just didn't tell yourself that little secret yet.

It's not at all uncommon and you can correct that safety mechanism.

You are still strong. Or you wouldn't have been able to get this far!

You just need the little girl inside you to catch up to the rest of you!

Wow! Thank you so much. I never thought of that. Ok, now that I know the cause of the anxiety, I can begin working on it. But I'm having a hard time grasping that losing my protective shell is related to choosing relationships with abusive men and putting up with things that the fat chick I used to be would never have allowed.

I remember telling an old boyfriend that if he thought he could tell me who to choose for friends he need not be in my life. I was never one to let another person even attempt to control my life and when I chose to end a relationship I didn't go back.

I find myself today cleaning up another mess made by and abusive man - and this time he went to jail. But this past year we have split and gotten back together so many times that I'm leaving town to spend a few weeks with my best friend until I know that I can come home without taking him back. However long it takes. I'm even thinking about looking for work there. What is wrong in my head that I have to go three states away for a while so that I won't consider taking him back.

Did losing the protective shell you are talking about cause such backward decisions? How are they related?

I'm still here and the same.

There was this Dr. Phil TV show a while back that had people on there who thought their lives would change IF they could just lose weight.

Many others have written extensively on this topic....the only thing that changes when you lose weight is your clothing size, how many cubic inches you take up space, and health issues.

I agree with TopTier, your issues aren't with your weight....it's with your thought processes. Your choice in mates isn't about your weight. Fat or thin you make the same choices.

But you are demonstrating a desire to change-but first you must get to the bottom of it. I think it's self esteem, but I'm no social worker.

Do yourself a favor- begin by getting rid of anything and everything that doesn't lift you up.

Friends, family, bills, tv shows, music, food, clothing, shoes, junk in the corner, - anything.

Good luck on your journey and please come back and give us an update.

YOU ARE COMPLETLY RIGHT! Often times weight is more than just calories. I remember wishing to be fat in the begining of my marrage because I didnt trust myself to be faithful. So I wanted to be undesirable. Well, At 275#'s I some how recalled that moment so many years ago and now in the midst of a strong marrage which is now 10 years old I am no longer unsecure with my faithfullness. and the weight is no longer needed. With the lapband I am reclaiming control over the habits I have created for protection and stepping into a brighter future. Like you I have no help from inurance. I found an wonderful DR. in TJ and have not looked back. If you would like me to introduce you let me know. Being self pay is hard but it doesnt have to break the bank!

email me

Wow! Thank you so much. I never thought of that. Ok, now that I know the cause of the anxiety, I can begin working on it. But I'm having a hard time grasping that losing my protective shell is related to choosing relationships with abusive men and putting up with things that the fat chick I used to be would never have allowed.

I remember telling an old boyfriend that if he thought he could tell me who to choose for friends he need not be in my life. I was never one to let another person even attempt to control my life and when I chose to end a relationship I didn't go back.

I find myself today cleaning up another mess made by and abusive man - and this time he went to jail. But this past year we have split and gotten back together so many times that I'm leaving town to spend a few weeks with my best friend until I know that I can come home without taking him back. However long it takes. I'm even thinking about looking for work there. What is wrong in my head that I have to go three states away for a while so that I won't consider taking him back.

Did losing the protective shell you are talking about cause such backward decisions? How are they related?

These are all really good questions, but they are all tied up to your waaaay inner self, what "she" is "worthy" of, and whether she "deserves" happiness, etc etc etc.

Again, it's not that you are broken, there are just some things the very deep little girl inside of you needs to learn and understand.

You are "vulnerable" at this smaller weight, and you are making "vulnerable" choices to reaffirm that.

You need to learn new tools for being "safe."

I can't stress enough that you should find a therapist who can help you find those new tools, then you will feel much more comfortable in your "new" body, and also feel like you can still make the same "safe" choices and be a strong, decisive woman again.

You still ARE that woman, just the little vulnerable girl inside you needs to know how to manage her.

By the way, this is not unlike what women who experience emotional trauma go through, for example, women who have been victims of a violent crime, say, rape, for example.

I can understand that my weight was protection for me. But, not everyone who is overweight or has been overweight has low self esteem.

I always knew my self-worth, lol, some would say I value myself too much. I wasn't alone because I was a fat chick, I was alone because I didn't tolerate bad behavior or attempts at controlling me & my boys, in any way from anyone that I was dating, seeing, etc. Why did I put up with it from this person when I didn't from anyone else?

As I look at the time line I can see that a lot has happened over these past couple years and a big part of it was that my boys - who were the driving force of my life - the reason I made every decision I made, even lap band - to keep my health issues from leaving them motherless.

At any rate, they were the full force and focus of my life and they have both grown up (at least they think so) and moved out. My eldest, now 20, shortly before surgery and my youngest 18, within the past year.

I'm thinking - and this really makes me mad now - that I allowed his bad behavior because I thought I could "mother" him into something better - that he was damaged and I could "fix" him, like my boys.

I didn't go into our relationship blindly, I knew he had issues but I had never experienced this kind of relationship before BECAUSE I WOULDN'T PUT UP WITH IT. I think that when he began "acting out," which was a few months after my baby moved out I was dealing with "empty nest" issues and needing to nurture and heal, and take care of someone. So, as his emotional issues became a problem for us, instead of booting him out like I would have anyone else I thought I could help work through his problems like I did with my boys who are both ADD, but, thankfully, well adjusted members of society today.

I see now as I look at that timeline and think back on these actions and issues that he played on that need because every time he got angry and threw one of his temper tantrums - never actually hitting or hurting me, but punching walls, windows, etc. I would leave. Then for days, weeks he would call, cry, tell me how much he needed me, that no one ever took care of him and loved him like me, etc. And I stood my ground - until just about the time we were both ready to let go and move on. Then I'd change my mind and go back to him with another deal, maybe if we changed this or that about our life we wouldn't have this problem, etc. Of course he'd take me back, because he loved me and needed me so much. Playing on that empty nest thing, that I really didn't realize I was going through until I really looked at how childish his behavior really was.

At any rate, the biggest part of solving these kinds of problems is finding the root, or mapping the cause - How did I get here? Ok, now that I'm beginning to figure it out I can work on it and fix it. Kind of like when you get lost driving somewhere - you have to figure out how you got where you are so that you can get where you need to go. Can you tell that I've done the therapy thing before?

Thanks so much for your opinions and advice and I will be around visiting the boards more often. I just didn't know where to find y'all. Doh! As tech savy as I am I never thought to search for a lap band forum where people are dealing with their life and issues after surgery.

The Skinny Fat Chick

You misunderstand. The self-esteem thing is a non-issue. Yes, there are people who are overweight who have low self-esteem.

But. . . there is more to it than that.

Now, granted, the weight was not your only protective covering.

This is why I strongly recommend that you spend a few sessions (it won't take many, you are obviously acutely self-aware) to help you sort out the parts of you that need a little ompf to get up to speed with the rest of you.

I can't stress this enough, it's not that you or any part of you is "broken," there's just some "cleaning up" and "putting into the right files" that needs to be done.

Remember, the counselor or therapist doesn't "solve" the problem, they just help you clarify it for yourself.

They are a tool, just like your lap band is!

;-D

Edited June 8, 200917 yr by TopTier

By the way, my daughter loves strays. When she was a little girl, she was always bringing home damaged or lost kittens and pups.

When she got older, she did the same with boys/guys.

Some of them were more "damaged" than others, and some were very damaging to her.

But I could not help her with her working out why she felt the need to pick up strays (even as a young girl). She finally, on her own, after a particularly bad relationship choice, decided to see a counselor.

As it turns out, her father (my first husband), abandoned her when she was 4 years old. He took off and, except for one week when she was 12, she basically never saw him again.

The "strays" that she was picking up were her way of attempting to "fix" her bad relationship with her father. It didn't matter that myself and my second husband (who treated her every bit as a flesh-and-blood daughter) made her feel safe, loved, and secure, that damaged relationship from her dad affected the "little girl" inside of her. She needed help bringing that little girl up to speed with the rest of her.

She was always a strong, independent, confident girl, then woman, but the broken relationship (which I could not fix for her) from her dad affected her in ways she didn't even realize.

She needed a "tool" to point her in the right direction, from the inside out. She (my daughter) did all the work herself. But she really did need a professional to help her on her way. I believe they actually only meet about 4 or 5 times.

Anyway, it doesn't really have anything to do with self-esteem, though there are times when self-esteem may be in the mix, it's rarely the root of the problem. Rather when self-esteem is an issue, it's generally a symptom of something else, instead of the other way around!

I have faith, though, based on your input, that you're going to be figuring this out! I certainly hope so, anxiety attacks are miserable things!

One other thought, I would put in here, you are recently without your children and that probably has a lot to do with your feelings, you are an empty nester, I suspect your men issues may be more a need not to be alone as you were used to having your kids around, now they are gone and you are compensating with bad men choices... think about it, did most of this start more with the kids moving out than with your weight loss journey?