When is support not really support?

[BethFromVA 5]

Sounds to me like your husband is extremely insecure. He's probably afraid that once you lose the weight, you'll dump him and go looking for someone else. He is a diet saboteur. He thinks if you stay heavy, no one else will want you and he won't have to worry. He has issues. Hang in there. Do this for yourself.

I wish I could say I thought it was as simple as that. In his defense, I don't believe that's it. I believe it only has to do with him loving to eat out or eat richly and in massive quantities, while I have to be careful of what I eat. That's why I compared it to two alcoholics and one decides to go on the wagon.

[kiz 1]

The problem with DH is, even if I try to discuss it with him, he is totally lacking in personality or person skills (read: he's very immature). He is not always good with other people, and he seems to lack the ability to understand anything or anyone beyond the end of his nose. Compassion is virtually nil. As Jennifer Aniston would say, there's a sensitivity chip missing sometimes. So when you explain something to him that he's doing, he only knows how to deny. Comprehension doesn't seem to be his strong suit -- especially when it comes from me, unfortunately.

Beth, your husband would probably score on the high side of the autism spector. Not to say that he's autistic, of course, but he definitely has the sensitivity gene (chip) missing. I score very high on the feelings side, so his attitude would really push my buttons. This probably isn't the first time you've not had support in the way you need from him, but other than letting him know you need him in your corner, and spelling out how he hurts you with his comments, this is something he's going to have to change on his own. Or you're just going to have to learn to live with it, and look for your moral support in other places...such as LBT...and practice saying the Serenity Prayer.

[BethFromVA 5]

I found the story about winning him at the fair to be funny

Glad to see somebody here got the joke -- unlike our resident troll. :smile:

[BethFromVA 5]

Wow. Someone starts a thread saying they are lacking support from their spouse and you pipe up with responses like this. I'm speechless

I'm not. He's a troll who isn't even banded, obvioulsy isn't married or doesn't have a girlfriend (or boyfriend, for that matter), and apparently likes to twist things around rather than be of any help or substance. :smile:

[1000words 0]

I do think we sometimes expect too much from our spouses. We decide to jump on the bandwagon and if they aren't with the program we consider them unsupportive. The fact is in my relationship I have always been the heaviest, so now that I have fell under his weight am I supposed to now expect my husband to change his eating habits... I don't think so.

I chose the band lifestyle for myself. I am still a wife and mother and while I should make healthy meals for my family it doesn't mean that they should have to change their entire relationship with food like I have. Carbs are not bad for my family as a whole, just me. Treats like donuts and rolls are not bad for my family, just me. And, not participating in things with friends in the end would just be bad for our marriage. I have just learned to behave myself.

I don't need people to be supportive of my new lifestyle... it is my lifestyle. It is MY way of eating and relating to food. Just because my way of eating and relating to food has changed drasticly it doesn't mean I should expect my husbands food choices to change. He is healthy and I was not. He never griped at me when I was 298 pounds about what I ate and never made me feel bad about my health, why should I make him feel bad now.

Maybe instead of looking for him to be supportive you should just focus on supporting yourself. Only you can succeed or fail with the band. You can still make meals that your husband loves and adapt them for yourself or even make something else for yourself to eat.

You probably shouldn't try to "fix" him and his relationship with food. And, you still can enjoy food too. You can go out to eat with friends. Most, if not all restaurants, have band friendly items. A lot of times you just have to be creative. I kind of agree with your husband in the idea that there is even band-friendly foods at McDonalds (yes I checked out your blog). Just eat the cheeseburger without the bun. It is not the healthiest thing in the world for you, but it certainly will not hurt you.

Sorry I couldn't join in on the male bashing, God knows I could share some stories. I just wanted to share a "different" perspective.

[BethFromVA 5]

Apparently not too speechless.:hurray:

Sorry I forget sometimes that people would rather not hear the truth. It is extremely convenient to blame someone else for your failures; DH won't support me, DH loses weight faster than me, DH made me eat a whole pizza, DH pried my mouth open and shoveled a gallon of ice cream down my throat.

I figured the lady would take the hint, look at herself and make the changes for herself rather than making it a pissing contest with DH a nd save herself the trouble of making all those charts and graphs with crayons for us thick headed men But of course I haven't been banded yet and this question/rant could clearly only be answered by someone with that particular device installed.

I make my point with reason and logic, some people would rather have a hug :smile: but that's not my fault.

What "truth" did you offer?? I said I am standing my ground and not succumbing to the things he is doing.

All you have been is a fuckwad. Why don't you move along.

[gingerbug 3]

Apparently not too speechless.:hurray:

Sorry I forget sometimes that people would rather not hear the truth. It is extremely convenient to blame someone else for your failures; DH won't support me, DH loses weight faster than me, DH made me eat a whole pizza, DH pried my mouth open and shoveled a gallon of ice cream down my throat.

I figured the lady would take the hint, look at herself and make the changes for herself rather than making it a pissing contest with DH a nd save herself the trouble of making all those charts and graphs with crayons for us thick headed men But of course I haven't been banded yet and this question/rant could clearly only be answered by someone with that particular device installed.

I make my point with reason and logic, some people would rather have a hug :smile: but that's not my fault.

If you had read the OP carefully, you would have seen that her issue is not that she is blaming her dh for her being fat, she is becoming aware of the dynamic of her relationship with him being part of the problem. She is coming aware that this relationship is going to have to evolve into something different and it is clear, by her dh's attitude, that he is resisting these changes. Her dh is notbeing supportive, he is passive-aggressivly sabataging her with the guise of being supportive. Happens all the time. You THINK you made your point with reason and logic but you missed the point entirely. She is not asking for a hug or posting this for ducks and bunnies and rainbows and unicorns, this is a legitate concern many of us have.

[BethFromVA 5]

I do think we sometimes expect too much from our spouses. We decide to jump on the bandwagon and if they aren't with the program we consider them unsupportive. The fact is in my relationship I have always been the heaviest, so now that I have fell under his weight am I supposed to now expect my husband to change his eating habits... I don't think so.

I chose the band lifestyle for myself. I am still a wife and mother and while I should make healthy meals for my family it doesn't mean that they should have to change their entire relationship with food like I have. Carbs are not bad for my family as a whole, just me. Treats like donuts and rolls are not bad for my family, just me. And, not participating in things with friends in the end would just be bad for our marriage. I have just learned to behave myself.

I don't need people to be supportive of my new lifestyle... it is my lifestyle. It is MY way of eating and relating to food. Just because my way of eating and relating to food has changed drasticly it doesn't mean I should expect my husbands food choices to change. He is healthy and I was not. He never griped at me when I was 298 pounds about what I ate and never made me feel bad about my health, why should I make him feel bad now.

Maybe instead of looking for him to be supportive you should just focus on supporting yourself. Only you can succeed or fail with the band. You can still make meals that your husband loves and adapt them for yourself or even make something else for yourself to eat.

You probably shouldn't try to "fix" him and his relationship with food. And, you still can enjoy food too. You can go out to eat with friends. Most, if not all restaurants, have band friendly items. A lot of times you just have to be creative. I kind of agree with your husband in the idea that there is even band-friendly foods at McDonalds (yes I checked out your blog). Just eat the cheeseburger without the bun. It is not the healthiest thing in the world for you, but it certainly will not hurt you.

Sorry I couldn't join in on the male bashing, God knows I could share some stories. I just wanted to share a "different" perspective.

But that's what appears to not be noticed in what I said. I never expected him to "diet" with me, exercise with me, or even change what HE does. All I asked is that he not expect me to eventually do what HE wants, i.e. going out all the time or eating that big beef stroganoff he just made. He argued with me that you can get a healthy meal ANYwhere you go if you make the right choices, and I wholly disagreed. The safest thing for ME is to not go out. I never said he can't -- we have foodie friends that he is more than welcome to go out with. But for ME, it's too much of a temptation this early into the journey, and I bow out. That's all I asked of him, was to respect MY boundaries, not change his.

[BethFromVA 5]

If you had read the OP carefully, you would have seen that her issue is not that she is blaming her dh for her being fat, she is becoming aware of the dynamic of her relationship with him being part of the problem. She is coming aware that this relationship is going to have to evolve into something different and it is clear, by her dh's attitude, that he is resisting these changes. Her dh is notbeing supportive, he is passive-aggressivly sabataging her with the guise of being supportive. Happens all the time. You THINK you made your point with reason and logic but you missed the point entirely. She is not asking for a hug or posting this for ducks and bunnies and rainbows and unicorns, this is a legitate concern many of us have.

Ginger, you hit the nail right on the head.

Oftentimes the hardest part of this journey is knowing where we might misstep. I have learned these things from prior attempts at dieting and am attempting to deal with them head on or before they start.

When you've been with somebody for 17 years, you know all their idiosyncracies.

[gingerbug 3]

Ginger, you hit the nail right on the head.

Oftentimes the hardest part of this journey is knowing where we might misstep. I have learned these things from prior attempts at dieting and am attempting to deal with them head on or before they start.

When you've been with somebody for 17 years, you know all their idiosyncracies.

Personally, I had never realized how much my the relationship between dh and I revolve around food. We go grocery shopping together, cook together, and look through recipe books together. Luckily, he is the kind of guy who is willing to eat whatever and likes healthy foods. It has been difficult, through.

[1000words 0]

The problem is that when you are no longer to participate in going out with friends, it does change his life. I am guessing he married you because he enjoyed spending time with you. I would be more concerned if he was okay with you not going.

Hopefully at some point in your journey you will be able to go out with friends and eat without going overboard. That is honestly something you are going to have to learn to do. You are going to be sorrounded by food for your entire life, you have to learn how to control yourself around it.

I still go out with friends for dinner. I was and still am a big foodie. I have just adjusted my food choices. If I had the money to eat out at restaurants every day I would, I love going out to eat.

And, you can eat healthy at most restaurants... it might not be what you WANT to eat, but you can definitly do it. I know I have been places where i order off the menu and ask if something special can be prepared, they always work with me.

If you don't learn to control yourself around food, you will not be able to succeed in the end.

[BethFromVA 5]

Personally, I had never realized how much my the relationship between dh and I revolve around food. We go grocery shopping together, cook together, and look through recipe books together. Luckily, he is the kind of guy who is willing to eat whatever and likes healthy foods. It has been difficult, through.

That's exactly it. When we met, I was about 150. Could have stood to lose about 20 pounds, but the food wasn't as big in my life as it became over time.

When we dated, everything revolved around eating out. And often during our marriage, we'd eat out 3-4 times a week, which is waaay too much. Sometimes it was just because neither of us felt like cooking, other times it was because we wanted to try this or that new restaurant.

I willingly went along for the ride and enjoyed it. Then "one day" I woke up more than 100 pounds over where I was when we met.

When you are trying to eat chicken and fish and he's talking about going "just this once" to have that steak dinner or other delight at that restaurant we both love, it can be easy to eventually succumb because you really WANT to have that instead of another. night. of. chicken. It's MY fault for eventually saying yes. I take FULL blame. But at the same time, when he knows that you're trying to behave, why tempt? Because HIS wants come before YOUR needs eventually, that's why. That's my frustration.

This time I have essentially laid down the law -- where *I* am concerned, not him. HE can go out whenever he wants, but I won't join him. But that wasn't good enough in our last conversation because he was trying to convince me I can still go. It's like taking an alcoholic to a bar and saying you can be safe and order Water. Yeah, but...

When one is in a close relationship like this, the other should not do anything to try to sabotage the other. If he had to do some new training for work over the weekend, I would not put my needs to be paid attention to over his need to do his work and go upstairs and bother him and harass him, you know?

This isn't just about vanity or what I want. I NEED to do this. I was staring major health issues in the face, and I was afraid I wouldn't live into my 50's if I didn't do something. I didn't just get the band for vanity's sake (well, that will be a nice side effect, but that certainly wasn't the reason). I NEEDED to do something more drastic, something that would help me. Too many people get the band and feel like, whoopee, I can do anything I want now and eat like before. Wrong. Sadly, I guess so do some spouses. Again, WRONG.

One day food may not have the hold on me that it does. Until then, I at least need some support from him in the form of understanding that this is MY cross to bear and I don't need him becoming a stumbling block for me. That isn't really too much to ask, and anybody in any kind of relationship should understand this, no matter how block-headed they are.

[BethFromVA 5]

The problem is that when you are no longer to participate in going out with friends, it does change his life. I am guessing he married you because he enjoyed spending time with you. I would be more concerned if he was okay with you not going.

Hopefully at some point in your journey you will be able to go out with friends and eat without going overboard. That is honestly something you are going to have to learn to do. You are going to be sorrounded by food for your entire life, you have to learn how to control yourself around it.

I still go out with friends for dinner. I was and still am a big foodie. I have just adjusted my food choices. If I had the money to eat out at restaurants every day I would, I love going out to eat.

And, you can eat healthy at most restaurants... it might not be what you WANT to eat, but you can definitly do it. I know I have been places where i order off the menu and ask if something special can be prepared, they always work with me.

If you don't learn to control yourself around food, you will not be able to succeed in the end.

And I WILL get there. I just don't trust MYSELF yet. Does that make sense?

I DO go out to eat, but just not 3-4 times a week. Besides being bad for us, we frankly can't afford to do it. I couldn't even bring myself to tally what it was costing us a month, but I wouldn't be surprised to find it was $800+. So there is another reason we MUST change this bad habit.

I'm still new at this, so I'm trying to be very cautious. I know all the stumbling blocks I experienced in the past, and I'm trying not to do them again. Maybe I'm being over-cautious, but that's to be expected when you've dieted and failed as many times as many of us have.

Hell, at least I'm not on here saying, "I don't exercise and I eat out all the time and I'm not losing a thing, wtf?" I KNOW what my issues are and I'm trying to address them. If they affect him, well... unfortunately that's too bad. He was with me when I made this decision to get the band. It's not like I sprung it on him after I got it. We talked about what needed to be done, and he was on board... for a while.

All I'm saying is if he's not on board now, then please, go out and leave me home. I'm entitled to set my OWN ground rules for my journey, am I not? I'm not feeding him rabbit food or making him hike five miles with me. He eats his Pasta with dinner while I do not. He can still make his faves, just don't expect me to share. Overall, the change to HIS life is minimal. All I ask for is to not be sabotaged at every turn or argued with over what I can eat.

[Glammaw 15]

BethfromVA, I have read many of your posts and you seem to be a strong, level headed person. You can do this for yourself. I, too, have a DH who wants to go out to eat, brings me home BOXES of danish, a pecan twist or two and myriads of candy. I have to say I'm not doing that anymore and just not eat it. It is very hard and I hope he will stop doing it someday...and I hope I can stay strong until that day comes. He just doesn't get it....I need help, everyday. This band is not what I thought it was going to be. But now I have it and I have to work with it. I pray and I get mad and I try to show him I am not giving in but I feel like you do. He thinks eventually I will give in and things will be back to normal. We have been married 32 years, so he wants things like they always were. If I am going to be successful, it can't happen. Hang in there Beth....I know you can do this. I am sure DH just wants things back to "normal".

[ksill18 0]

BethfromVA sounds like a real battle axe. I bet her DH is scared to death and has to walk on egg shells. He is on a double edged sword here. When he tries to be supportive by losing weight you think he is mocking. When he doesnt want to get involved you rip him for that too. The guy can't win. You need to look at you and fix you before you can fix your DH. Just my opinion.