Worst compliment

[Hope4NewMe 167]

I have been open with my weight loss journey with my family from the beginning and they have been amazing but it's been a learning experience all the way around lol. My immediate family and even my mothers whole side of the family are super thin, think size 2 thin. My mother has never been over weight and she was taught growing up that weight was a choice and that over weight people were just lazy. My dads side of the family are all bigger and I took after that side. Since the surgery though my mother has been trying so hard to be supportive and thoughtful and has been amazing but she is still learning. I just saw her for the 1st time after the surgery and her comment to me was that she was so glad to know I had weight loss surgery because I looked like I was dyeing from cancer lol! Anyone else have people with the very best intentions still give you the worst compliments?

[summerseeker 1,852]

I don't think that I have had this situation but many people have not mentioned my weight loss at all. Its odd because I have totally changed from a disabled person to one who can do anything my heart desires.

[Hope4NewMe 167]

5 hours ago, summerseeker said:

I don't think that I have had this situation but many people have not mentioned my weight loss at all. Its odd because I have totally changed from a disabled person to one who can do anything my heart desires.

My family has been mostly silent too but I think its because they are unsure what to say. They are afraid that if they say I look great that I might feel that I looked bad before. It seems to be a lot of over thinking but it would be nice to get some normal compliments sometime from people other than my husband. You have made some even more dramatic changes in your life and are amazing! I hope you get the compliments you deserve in your life too. Not that we need compliments, but it's always nice

[Tomo 1,137]

Yeah, I've received quite a few comments like "you look so thin you look like a cancer patient" and "you should gain some weight because you will look much younger". I usually reply with "well, I'm the healthiest I've ever been. So given the choice between transitory looks vs great blood tests and regular blood pressure... Etc. I chose life." It goes in one ear and out the other ear and accompanied with a scowl lol, but I say it for myself.

[Arabesque 6,487]

Nothing like a back handed compliment. And sometimes mothers can be the best at them. 🙄🙂

I’ve had people who comment about my loss even 4+yrs out - congratulatory & also you’ve lost enough/too much. And I’ve had people who’ve not said a word. I was at church & the minister asked, with great concern, if I was okay. Pretty obvious she feared I had some terrible disease. I said I was well & all was good.

[hills&valleys 130]

"her comment to me was that she was so glad to know I had weight loss surgery because I looked like I was dyeing from cancer cancer lol!"

Classic example of passive aggressive behavior. I can relate. My mother was obsessive about staying thin. Through my preteen and teen years I would yo-yo between average size to slightly chubby. Within weeks after my youngest child was born, I moved out of state. Two years later I moved back to my hometown. I was thinner than my mother. She would make comments that I was too thin (I wasn't). I was almost 30 and she was in her early 50s. She secretly started abusing diuretics and laxatives to drop pounds in an attempt to be smaller than me. She ended up in the hospital with electrolyte imbalances and deficiencies. Years later, my daughter was battling with about 35 to 40 extra pounds. She asked me to help her with a low carb diet which is how I maintained my weight at 115 to 117 for most of my adult life. She lost the excess weight and I was bragging about my 22 year old daughter's victory to my mother. My 73 year old mother, who was weighing in about140, replied with the most selfish and disgusting comment imaginable...."Great, now I am the only fat one in the family!" I very sharply responded with "That is digusting! Be happy for her. It's her time now."

Be prepared.....people who once secretly pitied you, emotionally supported you and openly cheered your success may now feel threatened by the change in the dynamic. My mother's self-worth was so closely tied to being the most svelte of any woman in her circle. When I surplanted her claim to fame, my mother felt assaulted. My daughter's weight loss after my mother's gain was the final blow to her ego.

Because of my mother's sabatoging and competitive nature, I chose not to tell her about my choice to undergo VSG.

[Hope4NewMe 167]

10 hours ago, hills&valleys said:

Classic example of passive aggressive behavior. I can relate. My mother was obsessive about staying thin.

I do think my mother is also obsessive about staying thin. She too has always been the skinniest even when her sister was a professional model. I don't want to be as skinny as her so her spot is safe but I did notice that she tried to eat less than me during my vacation. Families are weirdly competitive sometimes.

BTW it so bothers me that I used the wrong dying in my original post and I wish I could edit it sooo bad lol.

[ChunkCat 686]

On 11/9/2023 at 9:34 AM, Hope4NewMe said:

BTW it so bothers me that I used the wrong dying in my original post and I wish I could edit it sooo bad lol.

Do you not see a button to let you edit your post? I edit mine all the time because of typos! LOL Are you on your phone or computer? I never edit on the phone but I do on the computer all the time. Wonder why you don't have the option? It should be right next to "quote" on the bottom edge of your post on the left side.

Edited November 13, 2023 by ChunkCat

[Spinoza 1,189]

Oh I can't think that your mother saying that comes from a place of any 'best' intention OP. Sorry your mum has this approach.

I've had SO many people ask me whether or not my weight loss was intentional (subtext being- are you ill??) I beam them a beatific smile and say yes, absolutely intentional - hard work but so worth it!

Perhaps get yourself ready to counter the next inappropriate comment and move on?

[Arabesque 6,487]

5 hours ago, ChunkCat said:

Do you not see a button to let you edit your post? I edit mine all the time because of typos! LOL Are you on your phone or computer? I never edit on the phone but I do on the computer all the time. Wonder why you don't have the option? It should be right next to "quote" on the bottom edge of your post on the left side.

I use it edit a lot too. My finger & brain aren’t always in sync especially on the small keyboards on my phone, iPad, etc. Though I think most easily read around typos these days so it’s not as much as an issue.

Unfortunately the edit button is only active for a little while after you post & then a little later it vanishes from your post.

[ChunkCat 686]

2 hours ago, Arabesque said:

Unfortunately the edit button is only active for a little while after you post & then a little later it vanishes from your post.

OMG I never noticed that!! Learned something new today... Thank you!!

[Arabesque 6,487]

I only discovered it because I went back a little later to add something to a post & I couldn’t. 😊

[BlondePatriotInCDA 226]

It wasn't because of my WLS, but when I was 108 lbs and met my a few years later ex-husband he said he "loved my legs, he's always loved larger legs!" Lets just say I wasn't happy!

[BabySpoons 531]

It's sad that others can't be happy for another's success. Especially coming from one's own family member. That catty competitive BS always bugged me and still does. I used to work in an all-women's health club and OMG... the things I heard other's saying about one another made me sick.

I learned early on not to let other's opinions effect or define me. Negative comments are certainly harder to take coming from a loved one but even so..parent or not, they are mentally flawed just like the rest of us. Makes it easier to pass it off or forgive them thinking that way, I guess.

I remember my Mom saying to me one day while I cared for her after she suffered a stroke... 'What happened to you?" Referring to my weight gain. I was always the fit beautiful one in the family. It hurt me momentarily. She was sharp as a tack up until the end, but the filter was gone. I could have said I quit taking care of myself after I started taking care of you. But I never would have said that to her in a million years. I don't think I even realized that till much later.

As for good compliments. Most have been you look great...amazing, congrats etc. A recent one was on my curls. Is that natural or...? I smiled and said yes...along with a bit of hair product. Beautiful, she said. I'll admit it was nice to hear. Especially after feeling invisible for so long. Downside is men are starting to take notice of me again. I never missed it since a lot of that felt like sexual harassment to me.

But nothing really negatives as of yet. Knock on wood. I'm sure I'll be ready for them though if I do. LOL

Kinda true...

[katdfitness 11]

WOW - Do people even think before they speak? I guess she meant it as a compliment. My mom, who had a weight obsession, asked me after my surgery why I mutilated myself. She had know Idea how much I struggled with my weight. Probably didn't realize that my weight struggles were after watching and hearing her and her mother commenting about it all the time.

I think the German roots and farm family background weight loss was probably considered a sign that you were being properly fed!