Spouse Obsessed with Food

[acopas 104]

My husband and I grew up in two very different households when it came to food. Our relationships with food are very different. In his 40's, he's been on occasional diets but he's not that concerned with his weight. It is what it is. I grew up dieting from the age of 9/10. There are many days that I only eat maybe one meal a day. On the other hand, he wakes up hungry, wants to call and talk about dinner at 9am, calls at 1 to ask about what I had for lunch and reconfirm dinner plans, and wants to know when we are eating dinner before I can put my purse down most nights.

Yesterday was Mother's Day and while I don't have to start my pre-op until June 1, I have started a pre pre-op diet for myself. He just couldn't understand that I didn't want to go out to eat. I relented and we went. The place served bread which I didn't touch, my husband and kids shared an appetizer that I couldn't/didn't have, then salads before our Entrees came out. I made a smart aleck comment of "Thank you for letting me know how much I'm appreciated by bringing me to a restaurant to watch y'all eat." Yes, it was petty, but I don't know how to get him to understand that this is a permanent change for me and restaurants are not really something for the foreseeable future that I'm going to enjoy.

Thanks for any advice.

[ShoppGirl 5,072]

I personally don’t eat out much but many people on here do post surgery (a few months post). They just make choices like grilled chicken and veggies or salad with Protein and a low calorie dressing (or without dressing). Earlier out Soup is the only option of course. You can order just broth most places or ask them to strain one of their Soups for you. Your menu will look different than the rest of the family but it doesn’t mean you have to miss out on the family time. It may take a While before you can enjoy yourself doing this though because you are probably morning the loss of food. I wish I had advice of how to make them understand it’s just easier for you not to go out right now. It’s hard. I remember my mom not understanding that when we went out for my birthday to Chick-fil-A that even a salad didn’t fit within my calorie budget because their dressings were too high in calories. I have since learned that their vinaigrette with the market salad isn’t too bad. I just leave off the other toppings and it worked. It’s takes a while but you will find that most places have at least one thing on the menu that you can eat. And eventually you will be in maintenance and you will have even more options that you can eat in moderation.

[ms.sss 15,816]

35 minutes ago, acopas said:

He just couldn't understand that I didn't want to go out to eat. I relented and we went.

Sorry you ended up with a sucky mother’s day meal.

It will be challenging to make people understand. Especially those with drastically different outlooks and so used to “the way things are”.

It is actually easier to just say NO than to keep attempting to explain.

Do what u need to do to achieve your goals. Next time, don’t relent.

Good Luck! ❤️

[ShoppGirl 5,072]

I was just thinking, their persistence to take you out could Have been out of lack of another plan. They knew they wanted to do SOMETHING for you for Mother’s Day and didn’t have any other ideas. Perhaps if you come up with something not food related that you would rather do in the future and you suggest it they will not pressure you so much to do dinner out??

Edited May 9, 2022 by ShoppGirl

[kcuster83 1,505]

Oh this sucks! I am sorry to hear this. This process is so much easier when people at least try to understand.

I don't expect people to eat like me because we need to have control. But to at least the general situation and that everything can't revolve around food anymore.

For example, if I am at a party we can't expect people to only serve foods we can eat we just have to have control to not eat it. But, we should have the choice to not attend the party without it being a battle.

[acopas 104]

So I actually went to a doctor’s visit with him and discussed it while we waited. He was a bit more receptive, but still argued that that is how everyone celebrates holidays.

Hopefully, we can change some of our family traditions.

[acopas 104]

So I actually went to a doctor’s visit with him and discussed it while we waited. He was a bit more receptive, but still argued that that is how everyone celebrates holidays.

Hopefully, we can change some of our family traditions.

[kcuster83 1,505]

44 minutes ago, acopas said:

So I actually went to a doctor’s visit with him and discussed it while we waited. He was a bit more receptive, but still argued that that is how everyone celebrates holidays.

Hopefully, we can change some of our family traditions.

Everything revolves around food, that's what we need to change.

I am learning and trying.

Yesterday I went to dinner with close friends who wanted to do all you can eat crabs. I didn't partake because I can only eat like 2 crabs right now so it is not worth it. But, I ordered my meal. Took my portion out and sat the rest aside. I sat there for almost 3 hours while they ate. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be because there was a lot of good conversation.

[ms.sss 15,816]

Not everyone can manage, but i was able to go to parties and events and dinners with no issue. Yeah, I wasn’t eating what everyone else was, but it was always more about the company for me than the food anyway.

I’m 3.5 years out now and i still go to parties and events, etc., and i STILL dont eat like the others around me.

But take on what YOU think you can take on at any given moment. You don’t have to what others want, nor do others have to do what you want.

Making peace with this early may save you alot of angst in the future.

Edited May 9, 2022 by ms.sss

[summerseeker 2,387]

Hmmm its a tough one to answer. My husband is so clueless on anything that doesn't include his days out, horse racing and his medical issues that after 47 years married, I learned to tell him what I want to happen if its anything including me. It saves arguments. If I have to eat out, I book Tapas restaurants. Tiny plates suit me well. When I can eat salads and spicy foods I will run back to my favourite Thai restaurant. They will happily bag up the left over for the day after

[acopas 104]

1 hour ago, ms.sss said:

Making peace with this early may save you alot of angst in the future.

We've been married for 16 years; my dry humor and sarcastic comments still rub him the wrong way. I'm not sure either of us will change at this point. 😉

I'm at peace with not doing all of the dining out that he enjoys, but I need him to be okay with either going with our girls or just not going. He does 0% of the cooking in our house and he thinks he's giving me the night off of cooking if we go out. Right now I'm just hyper vigilant about everything.

[kcuster83 1,505]

3 minutes ago, summerseeker said:

Hmmm its a tough one to answer. My husband is so clueless on anything that doesn't include his days out, horse racing and his medical issues that after 47 years married, I learned to tell him what I want to happen if its anything including me. It saves arguments. If I have to eat out, I book Tapas restaurants. Tiny plates suit me well. When I can eat salads and spicy foods I will run back to my favourite Thai restaurant. They will happily bag up the left over for the day after

ooo Tapas is a great idea!

[Esi 179]

Ugh sorry! I think things have been easier in our family due to Covid in this arena, because we still do not eat out in restaurants. It’s a lot easier to eat at home.

We did eat outside at a restaurant with some Friends from out of town, and it is pretty different to become full so quickly and wait for them to finish eating, which took quite a while. I guess something to get used to.

But as others have said, the further out from surgery we get, the more normal things get, and the more well understand our ability to eat.

Hang in there, and do what you need to do to make this a successful journey!

[Tony B - NJ 644]

1 hour ago, acopas said:

cooking in our house and he thinks he's giving me the night off of cooking if we go out. Right now I'm just hyper vigilant about everything.

1 hour ago, acopas said:

We've been married for 16 years; my dry humor and sarcastic comments still rub him the wrong way. I'm not sure either of us will change at this point. 😉

I'm at peace with not doing all of the dining out that he enjoys, but I need him to be okay with either going with our girls or just not going. He does 0% of the cooking in our house and he thinks he's giving me the night off of cooking if we go out. Right now I'm just hyper vigilant about everything.

After a few months passes since the surgery you will be fine going out to dinner. You just will not be able to eat quite like before. Instead of a large app and an entrée, you may be limited to just the app as your main course or skip the app and order a main. I frequently ask the restaurant to hold the rice or potatoes since I will not eat them or swap the heavy carbs out for a vegetable. I really enjoy going out to dinner and as time moves on since surgery I enjoy it more and more.

[lizonaplane 1,613]

I think you can't expect everyone in your life to change everything in THEIR lives because you are having surgery. He was trying to give you a day off from cooking, but it felt more stressful to you. If you're going to start resenting his way of handling food, you're going to have a hard time moving forward, especially if you know he doesn't appreciate your responses (snarky comments - no one likes those!).

FWIW, I eat out like 90% of my meals because I travel for work most of the week and sometimes for 2 weeks in a row. You can eat out, you just have to think about what you're going to eat. I eat fish and veggies, or chili, or pulled pork, or a burger minus the bun. Or basically anything I want - even pizza if nothing else is available. I just don't eat very much of it and I try to limit the carbs (pizza is very rare, but sometimes it's what everyone else is having and I don't like being left out or being a party pooper).

Don't worry about every single meal being perfect - that's a way to set yourself for failure. Just aim to eat well 80-90% of the time, and you'll do great!