My husband & I are separated/divorcing. Even thought this surgery is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, he isn't supportive. Anyone else dealing with divorce during pre/post op process? Did you talk it over with them? Did they get on board? Thanks!

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So sorry you’re going through that. My husband got incredibly insecure, possessive, and frankly angry right after I had my plastic surgery despite all reassurances from me. It sucks. We’re now legally separated and have filed for divorce. Even so, I have zero regrets about my surgeries. I’m going to live a healthy, full of fun life with or without him. Best of luck to you as you move through the process!

sadly, it's not that uncommon. In some cases (not all, but some), there were issues in the relationship beforehand. A lot of people who lose a ton of weight become more self-confident, and I think they probably realize they don't have to put up with it anymore. In other cases, the non-weight-loss partner becomes jealous and possessive, like kristieshannon's. For whatever reason, relationships change, and sometimes end because of it.

mine actually got better - but it was pretty strong to begin with, and we've been together for decades. My husband never had a weight problem and was/is very active. I could never keep up with him when I weighed almost 400 lbs. Now, I can. If anything, it's made us closer.

so anyway, it varies - but divorce isn't all that uncommon after WLS.

On 5/19/2021 at 2:28 PM, chelsa said:

My husband & I are separated/divorcing. Even thought this surgery is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, he isn't supportive. Anyone else dealing with divorce during pre/post op process? Did you talk it over with them? Did they get on board? Thanks!

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

It sucks that some people just can't be supportive. I am close to being 9 months out, and my husband is extremely jealous and trying to be controlling of me especially now that the warm weather is here. He tried to tell me that I wasn't "allowed" to wear shorts. I just laughed and told him I will wear whatever I want. (I never wore them when I was heavy so now he is having a fit). Not that I am going to look like a stripper and wear super short ones, but he is still having a fit over it. I told him that if he doesn't like it, he can divorce me. When I said that, he kinda backed off a little. Now he just grunts at me when I get dressed for the day. Oh well!

On 05/20/2021 at 17:43, HealthyLifeStyle said:

It sucks that some people just can't be supportive. I am close to being 9 months out, and my husband is extremely jealous and trying to be controlling of me especially now that the warm weather is here. He tried to tell me that I wasn't "allowed" to wear shorts. I just laughed and told him I will wear whatever I want. (I never wore them when I was heavy so now he is having a fit). Not that I am going to look like a stripper and wear super short ones, but he is still having a fit over it. I told him that if he doesn't like it, he can divorce me. When I said that, he kinda backed off a little. Now he just grunts at me when I get dressed for the day. Oh well!

Ugh. Mine started that too. He’d alternate between loving how I look and being super insecure about it.

Not that I know any of your exact situations/dynamics but it sounds like they’re scared they’ll have to start putting in effort to keep you interested instead of assuming you were the one who had to put in the effort. It’s definitely not unheard of for a partner to find comfort in the thought “no one else will be interested so I’m good to do/say as I please…” (I’m not implying they were ever correct with that assumption (they were not)).

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this as well. I reached my breaking point in a 16 year relationship with a covert narcissistic. I was the one who asked for a divorce but it wasn't easy I still loved him it was just toxic and I needed support and to get healthy. A year later with surgery 3 days away I don't regret my decision even if I miss his dumb face sometimes I know I am stronger now.

On 05/31/2021 at 22:26, kosmickarasu said:

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through this as well. I reached my breaking point in a 16 year relationship with a covert narcissistic. I was the one who asked for a divorce but it wasn't easy I still loved him it was just toxic and I needed support and to get healthy. A year later with surgery 3 days away I don't regret my decision even if I miss his dumb face sometimes I know I am stronger now.

Good for you for choosing you!

So sorry about that.

Find people for support- loved ones, people in forums such as this one. I can be that for you. Message me, let's support 1 another.

DO NOT let anyone dim your light. Do what is best for you regardless of who is for or against it, PERIOD!!

I'm not going through divorce, but my husband isn't supportive of my choice to get the sleeve either. We just don't talk about it since talking about it always leads to us going in circles about my choice to do it and his reasons for not liking it. That's why I'm here, to connect with people who "get it" and to not feel so alone while going through this journey. Hang in there. ❤️

Why is he against it AjaSlimtone?

16 hours ago, brightly said:

Why is he against it AjaSlimtone?

He's against it for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Mostly, he says he can't fathom having only 20% of his stomach or not being able to eat as much as he wants, when he wants. He thinks it's extreme and that I "just need to diet and exercise more" (as if I haven't already killed my metabolism with every yo-yo diet/calorie counting/fad diet/exercise pill/gimmick you can think of over the last 15 years). Granted, he's thin, has been thin all his life, and is blessed with a lightning fast metabolism and excellent health. So of course he thinks it's extreme and doesn't get it. Plus, we go out to restaurants for "date night" once a week, which we both enjoy, and he thinks that's going to have to stop completely once I get VSG. Though restaurants will have to be put on hold during the recovery period, I told him we can still go to restaurants like we've always done. I'll just have to make different choices.

So yeah, those are his gripes. We have just agreed to disagree on the issue. He'll still support me as far as being there for me at the hospital and during the recovery period, but as far as all my pre-op stuff goes, I'm doing it on my own - I don't even ask him to come with me to appointments. Honestly, knowing how he feels, I kind of prefer it that way. Less stress. LOL

1 hour ago, AjaSlimtone said:

He's against it for reasons that have nothing to do with me. Mostly, he says he can't fathom having only 20% of his stomach or not being able to eat as much as he wants, when he wants. He thinks it's extreme and that I "just need to diet and exercise more" (as if I haven't already killed my metabolism with every yo-yo diet/calorie counting/fad diet/exercise pill/gimmick you can think of over the last 15 years). Granted, he's thin, has been thin all his life, and is blessed with a lightning fast metabolism and excellent health. So of course he thinks it's extreme and doesn't get it. Plus, we go out to restaurants for "date night" once a week, which we both enjoy, and he thinks that's going to have to stop completely once I get VSG. Though restaurants will have to be put on hold during the recovery period, I told him we can still go to restaurants like we've always done. I'll just have to make different choices.

So yeah, those are his gripes. We have just agreed to disagree on the issue. He'll still support me as far as being there for me at the hospital and during the recovery period, but as far as all my pre-op stuff goes, I'm doing it on my own - I don't even ask him to come with me to appointments. Honestly, knowing how he feels, I kind of prefer it that way. Less stress. LOL

Here are some articles that might help him understand the science, including the fact that it isn't fully understood yet and is multifactorial. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unexpected-clues-emerge-about-why-diets-fail/
https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/12/7/16587316/bariatric-surgery-weight-loss-lap-band ... let me know if you need more articles. There is the other thing : people in societal groups that are favored (dudes, thin people, youth, the wealthy, the physically well etc...without getting too far into the politics of this) don't have to see things from a non-favored person's perspective (women, overweight people, people over 40, poor people, the infirm, etc...) because they are the recipients of most of society's advantages. In short, they are not forced to understand the other side. We are forced to, so we end up seeing things from both perspectives—the dominat, favored one because it is forced in our faces every day and our own because it is our reality in the face of that. Thin/fit people who love us need to aspire to a true medical understanding of the issue. (it would be great if dudes would likewise attempt to form a more educated understanding of women's historical struggle but let's not get too ambitious) Granted, this seems difficult, even for some of our own physicians, but we must reach for it, or we will never see it realized. Thin people also have to understand that obesity is a medical issue that has causes that are genetic, metabolic, hormonal, environmental. So perhaps giving him some articles to read might help. If they don't-- his resistance is not really about that. Good luck with this and keep us posted. We are with you!

For anyone who has a spouse that is not on board, have you tried bringing them with you to your appointments. Perhaps meeting the surgeon and even the psychiatrist could help you talk to them to help them understand that this isn’t a decision you are jumping into lightly. What are they afraid of? For me, I feel like my marriage is getting even better but I was thin when my husband and I met and he has always been thin so I am more able to do all the things we used to do together but I didn’t enjoy as much recently because of the weight. I just hate to see any marriage end over a surgery. At least not without trying everything to help them understand how life is different for us when thin and heavier and all the ways weight impacts us. I just know that some people on here have posted that had concerned spouses and taking them to their appointments did help (others it did not but it could be worth a try).

okay now I read that some prefer not to bring them to their appointments. I missed that post earlier.

Edited July 16, 20215 yr by ShoppGirl

Another thing that might help is to watch you tube videos by dr wiener. He explains how the weight loss surgery is different than a diet and how our “set point” lowers after surgery making is more likely to lose it and to keep it off. Maybe you can show him parts of those videos to help explain why regular dieting doesn’t work once you get past a certain weight.

1 hour ago, ShoppGirl said:

For anyone who has a spouse that is not on board, have you tried bringing them with you to your appointments. Perhaps meeting the surgeon and even the psychiatrist could help you talk to them to help them understand that this isn’t a decision you are jumping into lightly. What are they afraid of? For me, I feel like my marriage is getting even better but I was thin when my husband and I met and he has always been thin so I am more able to do all the things we used to do together but I didn’t enjoy as much recently because of the weight. I just hate to see any marriage end over a surgery. At least not without trying everything to help them understand how life is different for us when thin and heavier and all the ways weight impacts us. I just know that some people on here have posted that had concerned spouses and taking them to their appointments did help (others it did not but it could be worth a try).

okay now I read that some prefer not to bring them to their appointments. I missed that post earlier.

1 hour ago, brightly said:

Here are some articles that might help him understand the science, including the fact that it isn't fully understood yet and is multifactorial. https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/unexpected-clues-emerge-about-why-diets-fail/
https://www.vox.com/science-and-health/2017/12/7/16587316/bariatric-surgery-weight-loss-lap-band ... let me know if you need more articles. There is the other thing : people in societal groups that are favored (dudes, thin people, youth, the wealthy, the physically well etc...without getting too far into the politics of this) don't have to see things from a non-favored person's perspective (women, overweight people, people over 40, poor people, the infirm, etc...) because they are the recipients of most of society's advantages. In short, they are not forced to understand the other side. We are forced to, so we end up seeing things from both perspectives—the dominat, favored one because it is forced in our faces every day and our own because it is our reality in the face of that. Thin/fit people who love us need to aspire to a true medical understanding of the issue. (it would be great if dudes would likewise attempt to form a more educated understanding of women's historical struggle but let's not get too ambitious) Granted, this seems difficult, even for some of our own physicians, but we must reach for it, or we will never see it realized. Thin people also have to understand that obesity is a medical issue that has causes that are genetic, metabolic, hormonal, environmental. So perhaps giving him some articles to read might help. If they don't-- his resistance is not really about that. Good luck with this and keep us posted. We are with you!

Thank you both! ❤️

I've offered to have my husband come with me to meet the surgeon and he just says "Yeah yeah, I already know all of that and I've read the research. I just think it's extreme." So...fair enough. The more I try to get him to understand, the more he feels like I'm trying to force him to like it, and honestly, I'd rather put all my energy and focus on preparing for the surgery than trying to get my husband to buy into it. If he was on board with the surgery, then I'd LOVE to have him come with me to every appointment. But since he's not in agreement, I'd rather go by myself in peace rather than have the stress of him huffing and puffing because I dragged him along. If that makes sense.

For what it's worth, my husband and I don't have any issues outside of our disagreement about the surgery, so I honestly can't see this leading to divorce for *us*. We're still very affectionate, we still laugh and joke and silly banter like we've always done. We just don't see eye-to-eye on the surgery. He says "I don't like it, and I don't have to like it, but your body, your choice." He said he'll still be escorting me to/from the hospital and assisting with the post-op (he may not agree with the surgery, but he's not completely heartless about it). Once I actually have the surgery, I think he'll get over it.

Edited July 16, 20215 yr by AjaSlimtone