Unsupportive friend, fear of dying & leaving motherless child-how do I handle?

[NewYearNewMe2025 0]

I really need some support right now. This is long, so I apologize in advance. This board was just the best place for me to turn to.

I have 2 best friends - I've been friends with both of them for 26 years (since I was 5). One ® is obese, the other (K) has basically been a size 6 or 8 her whole life, and is just trying to lose the last 10 lbs from her pregnancy.

My obese friend ® is the one who invited me to attend the lapband seminar with her. Afterwards, with the information, I was much at ease and begin considering it, especially since it was much less dangerous than gastric bypass, and I know at least 5 people who have successfully had gastric. It turned out R's insurance excluded the surgery, but I've been approved and am having it Dec 28th.

So far, only my mom, dad, and my friend "R" who invited me to the seminar know that I'm having lapband surgery.

Out of the blue today, my skinny friend "K" asked if I ever went to that seminar with "R" and what she thought of it. I told her it wasn't covered under her insurance, and she said "Good" and then started talking about how she didn't think people should have surgery just to lose weight, etc.

So I'm sitting here, knowing I'm having it in 3 weeks listening to this (which reaffirmed my decision not to tell her because she obviously won't be supportive). I did make a comment to her that when people have 100-150 lbs to lose, its practically impossible to lose it on your own and keep it off. She said yeah, I've been trying to just lose 10 lbs.

To make a long story short, now I am doubting myself. Wondering if I am putting myself at risk of dying "just to lose weight" when I could leave my 15 year old son without a mother. He will be out of town with my father when I have the surgery. He sees his dad, who doesn't even pay child support or attend his birthday parties or sports events, etc 2 days a month. His dad lives a totally different lifestyle - its always been just the two of us (me & my son). I couldn't forgive myself if I elected to do something that caused my son to lose me (even though I guess I would be dead I wouldn't even know).

As you can see, my state of mind is not good right now...I don't know why I am letting my friend affect me like this. Now I'm thinking about death. Something that I hadn't really worried about after I saw the video of the actual surgery.

I've always had a fear of dying and leaving my son to end up living with his father. It took a lot for me to be strong enough to undergo this surgery. Its not a decision I took lightly. I've had surgery before (cesearean when I had him) and that was much more invasive, and I was up taking care of him the next day, and obviously I lived.

I don't know what I'm looking for in writing this post......maybe just letting my fears out, maybe asking if others had the same fear, or dealt with the same situation with a friend. I should be able to tell my best friend that I'm having surgery, but she has always been a very judgemental person.

Thanks in advance for any wise words....

[losingit07 0]

I was banded on Dec. 18, 2007. I have two children and I had the same feeling you are having. I was scared to death. I just prayed that if this was meant to be that it would happen. If it was not meant to be that the lord would put some kind of an obstacle in my way. Everything went fine. I have lost 80 lbs. and I feel like a different person. Good luck.

[gwhite 0]

At some point in life, I think most people are afraid of dying. I know I am...but for me I knew that if I didn't have the surgery I would die sooner than I should. This is a positive step into making sure you don't leave your son alone...you might not have health problems now but down the line you could and then your son will have to see you suffer.

The risk of something happening is extremely small!!

[AZA 0]

I'm also a single parent and was worried about leaving my children without a parent. I was also terrified of dying during surgery - especially when I started reading the experiences of gastric bypass patients. On the other hand, that reaffirmed that i was making a sensible choice by choosing the less-risky lap-band surgery.

I knew that without the surgery I was going to die prematurely from morbid obesity - and I didn't want my kids to only have memories of a fat and unhealthy mother.

[snowbird 2]

It's a lot more likely that you will die early from obesity than you will during surgery. And even if your obesity does not cause an early death, it will most likely cause a loss of mobility, health, and enjoyment of life. Since I couldn't lose weight and keep it off without the band, I felt that I had no choice but to choose better health and a longer life by having the surgery. The surgery is fairly minor, all things considered.

[jelbel 0]

Everything will be fine and try to talk the least as possible to the people that don't support the operation. I did thatna dthose people keep asking me how I feel and I feel great!

They can't believe it!

[Sades 4]

I was so stressed prior to doing this surgery that I couldn't stop eating and actually put on weight. I was afraid of dying, I was afraid that I made a mistake, I was afraid of everything but here I am just over 5 weeks later and 25.5 lbs lighter wondering why I didn't do it sooner. We all have a different experience with this but most people get through it without any problems. I'm off my diabetes meds and my BP is 125/75... lowest it's been in ages, my doc is going to cut my BP meds in half. On top of that my old clothes fit again and I'm looking forward to losing the next 25 lbs so I can buy new clothes to go with the sexy new body.

Your friend sounds like she understands how hard it is to lose weight since she can't get her 10 lbs off. You have to decide whether to tell her or not but the bottom line is that you are doing this for yourself & your son. You can always tell everyone when you're at the other side of it, when you over the op and back into the swing of things. Good luck with your surgery. :whoo::whoo:

[steph_co 9]

This surgery carries a .08% mortality rate. You are more likely to die from any number of things than this surgery. If you have this surgery, you are more likely to be around for MORE of your son's life rather than him losing you at an early age due to some co-morbidity of your obesity. What if you ended up needing heart surgery because of the strain on your heart with the weight. This surgery is not about only losing weight. It's about getting HEALTHY. It's about being physically able to engage in life more. You will have more life AFTER this surgery. I was nervous going into the surgery more because it's just so PERMANENT. But I figured that I could either live in fear of the unknown, or I could take a chance and just DO it. You never know until you give it a shot. And could you forgive yourself for giving up on yourself because of what *might* happen (incredibly, extremely low odds)? How are you to find new lands if you never leave the shore?

I agree with what losingit07 said...everything happens for a reason. It is ALL in divine order. What is meant to happen will happen. We learn the lessons we are meant to in this life - whether we choose the quick easy, one-time way, or the painful, repetitive way until we get it. We can't live life wondering, "What if?" We've got to step out of our fear and move forward so we can find ourselves. You can do this - and we are all here behind you.

[juliegeraci 7]

This was the easiest surgery I have ever had. My worst one was when I had my tubes tied. This was a breeze.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

Realistically, you have a 100% chance of serious complications and death from MO. You have less than a 1% chance of death from surgery.

Sometimes you just have to put it in perspective.

[anonemouse 1]

Remind your friend that 96% of obese or morbidly obese people who try to lose weight (and keep it off) through diet and exercise alone fail miserably. Also tell her that unless you can lose weight, you are guaranteed to get some form of obesity-related condition (heart disease, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc.). Finally, tell her that while you value her opinion, you have to do what is best for yourself and your family, that the methods that you choose may not be something that she approves of or understands (and she can't, really, until she's in the position of having her very life threatened by her weight), and you hope that she can support that even if she doesn't fully agree with your decision.

[Kat817 19]

I am going to come at this from a totally different direction. Seems to me that your fear of death from the surgery is not actually the death itself, it is leaving your 15 year old son.

Everyone here has told you about the stats, and it IS a safe surgery, per se.

However being banded does change your life. I do not see how you will have this surgery and a 15 year old living with you not know it.

At 15, even in the worst case scenario, he would have a say in his life, and where he wanted to be.

I do not know your son, but I know my kids, and I would call a family pow wow. I would have this web site pulled up, to the before and afters. I would tell my son that I have a hope to get the weight off, and become healthy, and happy so that when he goes off to live his life in a few short years, he need not worry about you and your health issues that WILL rise from obesity. Having your parents there, will allow you to discuss the less than 1% chance of something happening to you during surgery, and your fears for what would happen to him. I mean you could have a crash driving home from the grocery store, and die! If his living situation concerns you if you were suddenly out of the picture, NOW is the time to deal with that!

Let your son read around here. There are a few threads that are sexual in content, but surf through some with him, show him what you hope to accomplish.

There are sooooo many out there your age, getting a handle on this while they are young! I am half again your age and I can tell you this surgery was such a wonderful tool to get the weight off! I am off of all my meds, no high blood pressure, or high blood sugar---nothing!

My kids are older, closer actually to your age. They are thrilled with my results.

The fact is I AM older than you, but the thoughts running through my head, and the way I reason etc, has not changed, I was the same person then I am now. So look at it like this, treat your son, the way you would have wanted your Mom to treat you through it. Up front and honest. 15 is not an age to begin keeping secrets from a kid. This IS a life altering decision----you need to show him how to include those who love him in his life altering decisions.

Just my .02 worth----and with inflation-----probably not even worth that!!!

I love my band, the surgery was a simple one, I would do it again in a heartbeat. I would take my Mother, or my Daughter if ever they needed it! Without question one of the best things I ever did for me!

Kat

[georgia girl 35]

I know how you feel. I have a small son and dying from surgery was a big concern. That being said, my biggest fear was dying from being MO. I couldn't walk very far without almost hyperventilating (sp?), I couldn't do very many things with my son that required any physical activity. That's no way to spend life. This is one of the best decisions I've ever made. Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

[NewYearNewMe2025 0]

Thanks to all of you for your wonderful thoughts and comments. Sorry I have not responded sooner - I have not had access to a computer.

All of you have excellent points. I am much better now. I remembered that this isn't just a whim. Part of the reason I'm doing it is for my health and for my son. When I got my old medical records last week (after posting this), I saw that back in 2000, I was having chest pressure and I was having trouble breathing and I was mentioning to my doctor that I was concerned about my weight. This isn't a new problem. It's not something I haven't tried to "fix" before. I have too many records of weight loss (and regain) that I can't even keep count.

I do feel that this is meant to be, because the doors have just seemed to open and things flowed so smoothly (and quickly). Insurance approved on the first try. Surgery will be exact 2 months and 1 days since I attended the seminar. I feel like God has been opening the doors, and has made me open to it.

Also, I will discuss the surgery with my 15 year old son. My pre-op diet will start this Friday, and I will how him the information. He is more than old enough to understand, and he does see that I'm always "too tired" after work, or that I don't feel well, etc. I will present him with the reasons I'm doing it and the facts about why it is low risk, in comparison to what I may face if I don't do anything.

Also, even though he would never outright say it to my face, I know it is difficult for my son with me being overweight. Embarrassing. And he is so active - plays sports year round. So its hard for him to get me always being tired. So a good talk is in order.

Thanks for all your wonderful advice.

[juliegeraci 7]

Kimmi, I have a 15 year old son too. He completely supported my surgery. It is so much fun now when he hangs out with his high school friends that tell me "wow, you have lost weight". Congrats on making the best decision for you!