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Hurtful reactions to progress



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33 minutes ago, skyewolfe said:

I’m no braggart. This was the first time I shared unprompted about my progress except for with my boyfriend, counselor and the bariatric groups. I kinda figured since she’d asked several times about my progress she would have been happy for me......

pretty much what you guys are saying is just don’t tell any one and refuse to talk about it with any one. It’s kinda bullshit if that’s how we have to behave. Why can’t our loved ones just be happy for us?

It's kind of like telling someone who is struggling financially that you just won the lottery.

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1 hour ago, GreenTealael said:

It's kind of like telling someone who is struggling financially that you just won the lottery.

Good one

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It's too bad, but I do think this is human nature. Remember when you were at your top weight and someone much smaller would complain in your presence that they were fat? Maybe talking about our success hits people like that - they may be struggling and seeing us succeed makes them feel worse about themselves. Hopefully you have at least one person who is close to you and can truly Celebrate with you. I have a couple and they are the only ones I shared progress updates with. Even my sister doesn't really want to hear it, even though we are tight.

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3 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

It's kind of like telling someone who is struggling financially that you just won the lottery.

This.

In the end our loved ones are just human beings, just like we are. Maybe they want to be happy for us but simply can't when it comes to weight loss because of their own issues.

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56 minutes ago, Jaelzion said:

Remember when you were at your top weight and someone much smaller would complain in your presence that they were fat? Maybe talking about our success hits people like that - they may be struggling and seeing us succeed makes them feel worse about themselves.

I'm convinced it's like that.

Just think about some examples from other parts of your life. Would you tell a colleague who've just been fired about your new job that'll get you more money than you're earning now? Would you go on and on an on about your new relationship and how happy you are because of that in front of a friend who've just been divorced? I bet common courtesy would tell you to keep your mouth shut.

It is human nature but in the end we're no better than "them". It only takes some imagination (and some honesty) to figure out what our own reaction would be in the same situation.

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On 12/22/2020 at 11:15 AM, skyewolfe said:

Did any one just stop sharing their progress with people they know because of their reactions?

I told my mum about my BMI victory and she said “b***h” her tone dripping with jealousy. She then asked me how much I weigh now and when I told her she said “f*ck you”. Once again with a jealousy and honestly a little pissy tone.

it hurt (I could feel myself mentally and emotionally recoil) and honestly makes me not want to share my progress with her any more. Even if she meant it jokingly (but seriously the jealous tone was there) it was still hurtful.

I know others have dealt with this sort of thing. How did you handle it? My mother is the kind of person where if I try to talk to her about the effect it had on me she’d get defensive and make herself into the victim (she does it every time someone tries explaining to her why something she said or did was wrong. She acts like a spoiled emo teen).

Sorry that you have to go through this. I think you stop and let her see for herself that you have done so well. Sometimes you need to just back away for a while. Remember there are always those who are going to be jealous of your accomplishments. Stay true to yourself you'll get through this. Good luck with your journey.

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I did have that problem when talking about the upcoming surgery with my weight loss group-there were a lot of very negative and spiteful comments. I stay away from anyone I expect that from. However, since having the surgery, I lost weight very fast. I also had complications and a longer recovery so some of my neighbors took notice anyhow. My neighbors and friends know of my past health problems and even the fact of being 50 with older friends and neighbors helps a lot. I got nothing but real support and cheerleading from anyone around me and they know I have the surgery.

I have a very supportive husband, adult kids, aunt and close friends. I try to be very sensitive to my close friends as they are all the weight I started at with many health problems. They will see it however and call me 'the skinny one' ha when we get together. Most times, I get the response of either, "I'll work out with you or walk with you" or, in another mood, I will get the response of, "Sorry, Dawn, we don't mean to eat this delicious pizza that you can't have anymore.....yummy!" in a sort of teasing tone with lots of laughter.

My mother is someone I split ways with a long time ago and my brother was added to that list. I'm too old to have negativity and hurt in my life anymore. Sometimes, that's all you can do. I still have the voice of my mother calling me, "fat c... and other extremely bad things" but the surgery has made that so much better. At times, I even think to try to get back in touch but my aunt is right, it will just give me the same hurt that isn't necessary as my mother will never change. It sounds a lot like your situation in ways.

I keep my friends private and positive only. You get a chance with me if you are a friend of a friend or a new possibility; I won't hide who I am and how happy the surgery has made me. That's on you if it's a problem or something you have to judge-it just comes from another person feeling unsatisfied in their own life and I've gone through too much in life to let something like that bother me or stay in my life.

It's difficult if it's family and you have your own decisions with that but if you can't say to them that it's hurting you and you need their support, then it's time to maybe back out of that a bit while you are going through this process and keep positive people around you only.

Great job on your weight loss! I know you feel just awesome and so much better in every way!

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How do I ask this? Is your mother a toxic person? Does she hurt your feelings about other things too? Is she jealous of you? You might want to talk to your counselor about how to deal with her emotional assaults.

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How do I ask this? Is your mother a toxic person? Does she hurt your feelings about other things too? Is she jealous of you? You might want to talk to your counselor about how to deal with her emotional assaults.

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On 12/22/2020 at 9:46 AM, km13118 said:

I don't tell or answer when asked. Period. I acknowledge that I have lost weight and say thank you for noticing but I don't tell how I did it or how much I've lost. It's none of their business!

I have the same basic response - I say thank you for noticing - very sincerely - and maybe compliment something the person is wearing - oh and I love your bracelets they go perfectly with your shirt . I have one friend I can tell / talk with about weight - or I come here !

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Skyewolfe, STOP sharing with your ABUSIVE mother! She has some serious issues that needs help. Place boundaries within your relationship (Look up Dr. Henry Cloud on Boundaries). What she is doing is NOT healthy for you - both emotionally and mentally. Going through this surgery and lifestyle change is hard enough, so WEED OUT all the negativity and sabotaging - and that means people who aren’t cheering you on!! You and your health deserve better than this kind of abusive treatment. Again, I recommend reading the Boundaries book by Dr. Henry Cloud!

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No one knows about my surgery except my husband. I had to have a hiatal hernia fixed at the same time for GERD so that is the surgery my family and close friends know about. I have no interest in dealing with people.

Sent from my SM-N975U using BariatricPal mobile app

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I was very upset at first, when I got reaction from my family about my weight loss. I quickly realized they felt left behind, but who's fault is that? I have been wanting to share my surgery and weight loss with others, but I am 100% sure I will get the same reaction, so I haven't said anything. And I'm not sure when I will smh......... This has been the best early Christmas gift I could have ever given myself.

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I think I am going to go with what someone else said in a earlier post and just say I am on a medically supervised diet. I don’t want the drama that goes along with people in my business. I also don’t feel the need to share my medical info with everyone I know.

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I have also said

"I am eating more healthfully"

"I am eating less"

"I am eating intentionally"

All the truth. I lost the original 100 pounds 10 years ago with my sleeve, and this past year, I lost another 45. Every word of the above is the truth. No one needs to know what you consider private.

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