Advice/opinions wanted

[goalz 21]

Hi everyone,

I need a safe place to rant and get advice and opinions. Feel free to be honest! I’m posting here because I need to do some head work around this situation so that I don’t eat my way through it. Here is goes....I thought my sister in law and I are close, there is an age gap but she has been my side kick since she was 7 and she’s now 28 (I’m 43) she was in our wedding as a bridesmaid when she was 12, I do a lot for her (help with the baby, provide encouragement and advice, hang out with her because she’s home alone a lot) but I guess we’re not as close as I thought. She’s planning her wedding and apparently she has invited our other sister in law and her 3 soon to be sister in laws to be in the wedding but not me. My daughter is also a bridesmaid (23yrs old) and my niece (12 yrs old). We have a small family and literally everyone is in the wedding in some form other than me. My husband is officiating, my sons are ushers, daughter is a bridesmaid, brother in law is a groomsmen, sister in law is bridesmaid, and young niece is flower girl. Let me say that I’m assuming it’s the age difference but I’m fine with that, I just want her to address it with me like “hey I would like you to be a part of the wedding as well but......” she could have told me anything...that she knows I probably wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid, that she thinks of me as more of a mom but would like me to sit with the mothers, anything to at least address it. She did invite me to go dress shopping but that was ruined because the prior weekend I made the mistake of bringing it up and it didn’t go well. I was very nice about it and felt like I handled it with tact. She went off of the rails on me and said that I’m selfish for trying to make her wedding about me. She uninvited me to go dress shopping, said that I’m cut out of her life, and hasn’t talked to me since. She’s now telling anyone who will listen that I’m mad at her because I’m not a bridesmaid and making up additional details that aren’t true and never happened. I know this because she talked to my daughter about it. I can’t forget the terrible things that she said to me in her ranting text to me, some of them were below the belt and so unnecessary for the situation. My husband was seriously pissed at her and now calls her bridezilla. He has talked and text with her briefly since this happened but nothing about what happened. No one has brought it up, everyone is just acting like nothing happened. No one is treating me differently other than the bride not talking to me. I guess that’s a good sign because it means that my husbands mom , brother and sister in law are not taking sides. I want to fix this but I feel like like we need a mediator. She and my other sister in law get into small arguments but my brother in law always steps in and fixes it. I’ve asked my husband to do the same or to even ask his brother advice on how he should navigate the situation but he hasn’t. I realized yesterday that’s I’m pissed at my husband for not doing something, for not sticking up for me. I’m confused by this entire situation. Should I have never have brought up that my feelings were hurt to her? Should I be upset that my husband hasn’t called her out for saying mean things to me? Why am i so hurt over this? Why is she spinning the story to make me sound like a selfish b***h? How do fix this so I don’t eat myself into a huge weight gain? Thank you all in advance for weighing in (pun intended lol)

[darcyjae 106]

To be honest, it IS her wedding. I'd try and let it go. Take the high road and write her a mea culpa letter saying you didn't intend to spoil her day and are sorry, and then move on. I wouldn't try to get her to take accountability because she's clearly not in that space. But you CAN take control of it all by forgiving her and rising above it. (And of course, you can be polite without "letting her back in" or making yourself vulnerable to her opinions.)

She might have thought that by inviting your daughters she was honoring you, but either way it seems everyone is on the defensive, which is good for no one. The more you indulge in the drama, the more upsetting it will be to you. But if you make it a non-issue by falling on your proverbial sword you can move on and be the better person in everyone's eyes—including your own.

[mcfluffington 179]

That snub would definitely hurt anyone.

But to get in her good graces you might have to apologize for bringing it up.

Have you talked to the brother-in-law who is such a good mediator into mediating between you and her?

Don't be mad at your husband he is just keeping the peace at least for himself.

He might not think its a good idea to get her mad at him as well.

As for the stress eating, I don't know what to tell you. I wouldn't be good at handling that either.

[Deedee12 1,860]

To be honest, it IS her wedding. I'd try and let it go. Take the high road and write her a mea culpa letter saying you didn't intend to spoil her day and are sorry, and then move on. I wouldn't try to get her to take accountability because she's clearly not in that space. But you CAN take control of it all by forgiving her and rising above it. (And of course, you can be polite without "letting her back in" or making yourself vulnerable to her opinions.)
She might have thought that by inviting your daughters she was honoring you, but either way it seems everyone is on the defensive, which is good for no one. The more you indulge in the drama, the more upsetting it will be to you. But if you make it a non-issue by falling on your proverbial sword you can move on and be the better person in everyone's eyes—including your own.

100% this!!!!!![emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108][emoji108]

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[goalz 21]

@darcyjaethank you for your honest words I will suck it up and let it go but I don’t think I can muster up an apology to her. I was kind to her and she said terrible things to me. I know she would have asked why she wasn’t included if the tables were turned but me asking her was out of character. I appreciate your advice.

[Deedee12 1,860]

[mention=368344]darcyjae[/mention]thank you for your honest words I will suck it up and let it go but I don’t think I can muster up an apology to her. I was kind to her and she said terrible things to me. I know she would have asked why she wasn’t included if the tables were turned but me asking her was out of character. I appreciate your advice.

Yes, you don't have to apologize at all. Weddings bring out unstable family dynamics that gets played out in a way that seems so left field!! I can honestly hear and feel your perplexity in her behavior BUT one can never tell about people's motives no matter how close you are to them (and motives may not even be sinister).

This is complete speculation on my part: But have you lost significant amounts of weight lately? Has this changed the dynamics of how you are being viewed in the family? Does she have some unknown angst about said weight loss and does she feel this may be her way to have some say/control in how you are "seen" at her wedding?? ALL speculation again as mentioned. BUT, I like you find her reaction ODD based on your description of your relationship with her.

But to avoid the drama and stress, please do what Darcyjae suggested and MOVE on to your personal goalz. Stay focused and don't get derailed or sucked into playing villain in a drama that you didn't write!!!

Don't let this issue make you stress eat, let it motivate you and spur you on further!!
Good luck and decide you would have a fabulous time being so skinny healthy at the wedding living YOUR BEST LIFE!!!![emoji123][emoji123][emoji123][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106][emoji106]🧡🧡🧡🧡🧡

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

[NYJenn 1,464]

Have you had your surgery yet? Weddings truly bring out the worst in people, I’m convinced of it. Could she be jealous that you have lost weight and look great and people might be looking at you instead of her? I know it seems petty, but like I said, weddings turn seemingly normal people into total nut jobs

[goalz 21]

1 hour ago, NYJenn said:

Have you had your surgery yet? Weddings truly bring out the worst in people, I’m convinced of it. Could she be jealous that you have lost weight and look great and people might be looking at you instead of her? I know it seems petty, but like I said, weddings turn seemingly normal people into total nut jobs

I’m 4 years out and have been at goal weight for 3. I am smaller than she is by quite a bit but so is my daughter so I’m not sure if that could be it. I agree though I had heard what wedding do but never experienced it before.

[Bastian 460]

hey I know how hard it is, my youngest brother is getting married next year our other brother is best man and our sister is doing a speech welcoming the bride to the family. Me, the eldest however...nada, zilch, zippo. But I am trying very hard to not make an issue of it and I love the first reply you got, that would really calm things down and hopefully stop her saying anything else to people about you. I know it hurts, just try really hard to remember she is probably stressed about it all too, Good luck I hope you can get your relationship back on track somehow x

[goalz 21]

1 hour ago, Bastian said:

hey I know how hard it is, my youngest brother is getting married next year our other brother is best man and our sister is doing a speech welcoming the bride to the family. Me, the eldest however...nada, zilch, zippo. But I am trying very hard to not make an issue of it and I love the first reply you got, that would really calm things down and hopefully stop her saying anything else to people about you. I know it hurts, just try really hard to remember she is probably stressed about it all too, Good luck I hope you can get your relationship back on track somehow x

Sorry to hear about your situation. Regarding the first comment, do you mean the part about writing an apology letter to her? I’m trying wrap my head around it but I’m not sure I can do it after her behavior.

[darcyjae 106]

There’s a great book on management called “First Break all the Rules”, which taught me an awful lot about relationships at work and at home. One of the best pieces of advice I got from that book was around not trying to score points or win every battle, (even when you’re right), but instead focusing on the end result you want and thereby winning the war. Sometimes that means doing counterintuitive things.

There’s no reason for you to apologize if you’re happy enough to continue with overt hostility or break off ties entirely. But now is a great time for you to think about what it is you DO want to achieve in the end, and then take the action that is most likely to get you there. I gave you the advice that I did because it seemed like you wanted things to go back to something like the way they were, and if that’s the case, someone’s going to have to be the person to make the first move and swallow their pride. (Even if it’s just going through the motions for now to set the stage for her to come around on her own.)

Anyhow, keep the end result you want in mind—whatever that may be.

I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this.

[goalz 21]

2 hours ago, darcyjae said:

There’s a great book on management called “First Break all the Rules”, which taught me an awful lot about relationships at work and at home. One of the best pieces of advice I got from that book was around not trying to score points or win every battle, (even when you’re right), but instead focusing on the end result you want and thereby winning the war. Sometimes that means doing counterintuitive things.

There’s no reason for you to apologize if you’re happy enough to continue with overt hostility or break off ties entirely. But now is a great time for you to think about what it is you DO want to achieve in the end, and then take the action that is most likely to get you there. I gave you the advice that I did because it seemed like you wanted things to go back to something like the way they were, and if that’s the case, someone’s going to have to be the person to make the first move and swallow their pride. (Even if it’s just going through the motions for now to set the stage for her to come around on her own.)

Anyhow, keep the end result you want in mind—whatever that may be.

I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this.

Thank you for your insight, I’m going to get that book for sure. I’ve been thinking about it all day and I think I’ve come to the conclusion that I probably don’t want our relationship to go back to how it was, my husband pointed out that a lot of our close relationship was one-sided and he doesn’t think that she loves me the way she should. She mostly loves what I do for her. So I’ve decided not to apologize because she said several times in her text that I’m cut out of her life and although I’m sure wedding stress contributed to her strong reaction, it was too easy for her to go straight there. I think I will work on releasing hurt and blame from my end and aim for a polite relationship with her in the future when she’s ready to. If no apology from me also means no invitation to wedding I’m okay with that too. She told me in her text that I will give her wedding a weird vibe now lol! I think her aggressive text probably means that she doesn’t value our relationship so as much as I regret bringing up my hurt about being excluded I think it shed some light on how she truly feels about me. Thank you again for your advice and insight.

[notmyname 593]

First - good for you for realizing you need to do something with the stress of this situation to not eat - that is SUCH a healthy realization. So, can you think of something else to do. Can you vent to your husband? Go on a walk? Turn on some music and dance the stress away? Use a punching bag?

As for the substance of your problem, I'll put my biases out there first: I truly don't understand why people get upset about the choices other people make about their weddings. I just have never put much weight on being in a wedding/invited to a wedding/where people have their weddings/etc. So, with that said, it is her wedding. You can't control your feelings, but it is her wedding to plan how she and her fiance want it. You have no idea her reasons for not asking you to be in it - they could be completely benign or not - but they're not your business. I suspect she's getting grief from all sides about various choices she's making (mostly because it seems like in our culture every marrying couple gets crap for all of their choices). And then you, someone she really cares for, questions her too. So, I can see why she's upset at you for questioning her choices.

Sometimes you can't control how you feel about things. but do you really want this one thing to ruin an otherwise good relationship? If not, then you could try to apologize. You don't need to apologize for things you didn't do, but you could tell her (jf true) you now realize that it is her wedding to plan, that you're sorry that you added to her stress. And that you value her friendship and want to get back to a good place with her.

[Bastian 460]

23 hours ago, goalz said:

Sorry to hear about your situation. Regarding the first comment, do you mean the part about writing an apology letter to her? I’m trying wrap my head around it but I’m not sure I can do it after her behavior.

Yes I did mean that but totally understand why you wouldn't want to. It is a tough one lovely, good luck with however you decide to handle it xx

[New&Improved 1,780]

It is a huge day for her a huge celebration and so many emotions and hormones flowing through her body.

I'm sure she will feel bad after everything is said and done and she's come down from the clouds of her wedding and Honeymoon.

It is also possible the age is a difference when it comes to being with all her friends and bridesmaids of her age you may not feel it but I know when I was in my 20s and my mum in her 40s we felt world's apart; as much as I love my mum I don't think I'd ever go party with her or drink with her.

So yes you have to take a step back and allow this girl to have her day.

I know how you feel my niece and I were inseparable from day 1 but once she got a boyfriend and turned 16 things changed obviously that's what happens as people grow up