Angry 1 year post op

[GradyCat 3,697]

My neighbors and people I'm on a Board of Directors with who see me once a month have commented on my weight loss and been very favorable, but my mother-in-law hasn't said a word, hasn't noticed, or refuses to give me the compliment of noticing I've lost 50 lbs.

My friend is morbidly obese and was laid off from her job and is having trouble finding a new job and I think a lot of it has to do with her weight.

The discrimination is real.

[GreenTealael 25,622]

9 hours ago, Jonsie27 said:

I'm 1 year 2 months post op and have lost 115lbs which is awesome. I have more energy and can do more things with my daughter, I'm in clothing sizes I have never worn! I should be the happiest I've ever been, but I have a mindset I feel is holding me back. This may seem ungrateful, but I'm ANGRY I'm treated differently now that I've lost weight. It's like I was invisible (or worse- gross) when I weighed 286 but now people notice me just because of what I look like and it PISSES ME OFF.I was all the things that make me ME before I lost weight and now it's like a revelation that I'm worthwhile somehow. All of this positive feedback would have been awesome when my self-esteem was in the toilet from being depressed and overweight.

-My husband wants to tell me I look cute and wants to have more sex - and my 1st thought is why didn't you do this before?

-People who wouldn't give me the time of day at work tell me my ideas are great - and I think, they were good before, why didn't you speak up then?

-My family tells me nice things about myself and my clothes - I cant stop thinking about how I could have used this support BEFORE.

Has this happened to anyone else? What do I do to move past this? Should I see a therapist? I don't want to be ungrateful...

Sorry. I know It's unfair & sorry you're battling with this, I did too for a while but

Perceived health, happiness and confidence IS more attractive to some people.

Your husband may find you A LOT more attractive now but still did then too. Let him enjoy your growth too, don't penalize him if he doesn't deserve it. There are plenty of other battles in marriage to choose from.

You can waste a lot of time being jaded at the ridiculous standands of physical perfection equaling value or work to change it in your sphere of influence. Perhaps address it with the people treating you differently now so they are aware of what their shortcomings are and maybe they won't make the same mistakes with others.

But if you *just* want to punish someone... Add their name to our Revenge List and we'll get to them soon enough 😂😂😂 Joking Joking Joking

Side note on being exactly the same person as before: Not truly possible. Your personality/ mind/ core values/ intellect may still be there but you aren't. You are actually physically different & maybe even some of your behaviors have changed too. I used to tell myself the same fable. But honestly its really hard to be *exactly* the same after a year of major changes.

[rs 1,473]

34 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

But if you *just* want to punish someone... Add their name to our Revenge List and we'll get to them soon enough 😂😂😂 Joking Joking Joking

@GreenTealael I think you should start a Revenge List thread! It'll be fun!

[GreenTealael 25,622]

5 minutes ago, rs said:

@GreenTealael I think you should start a Revenge List thread! It'll be fun!

Hmmmmm but how to do it without being shut down 😥😀😂

[Cheeseburgh 3,084]

2 hours ago, GradyCat said:

My friend is morbidly obese and was laid off from her job and is having trouble finding a new job and I think a lot of it has to do with her weight.

In the current hyper capitalist US, hiring a morbidly obese person is an added expense and a risk. It is a serious health problem you can’t disguise.

[rs 1,473]

Hmmmmm but how to do it without being shut down

Why would it be shut down

[Krestel 330]

Unfortunately, this type of behaviour is psychologically hard wired into us humans. Sadly, even things like learning work better when you have a good looking teacher (all else being equal ofc). Esthetics play a larger role that we all want to admit. Sad..but true. Still, I hear ya and totally agree with the frustration.

[delfie 81]

Good topic. I think as others have said there are two sides to this. One is that discrimination about weight is real. And the second is that losing weight can affect the way in which we interact with people and the attitude we present with. I see both sides as having an impact. But I can see how frustrating it is, getting support when it's no longer as needed, versus not getting support when it was. It's like finally getting an umbrella when it's no longer raining. Welp, thanks anyway, I guess.

[sideeye 1,440]

Yes, see a therapist. You know that your current reaction to a bunch of stimuli results in you feeling strong emotions that you don’t like - generically, that’s exactly the situation where a therapist comes in handy.

I’ve been where you are, I lost something like 70lbs about a decade ago and felt ALL the stuff you’re feeling. I was angry ALL THE TIME. And while it’s bad enough to have those feelings washing through you, let me tell you what’s worse - gaining the weight back as a blended “eff you” to shallow humans and as a protective measure to stop other people saying this stuff to you. I gained all that weight back and once I realized what had prompted that behavior, I went to a therapist because whoa, that is not acceptable. I was not down to staying overweight just so I didn’t have to deal with people basically confirming fat bias I’d suspected for years. I felt so, SO angry for overweight me who’d been gaslit for years, being told that all of these micro behaviors and omissions were just gaps in my self-confidence or me projecting - skinny people have no idea. They’re clueless. My own mother was one of them, and only accepts that I know what the hell I'm talking about after I’ve lost significant amounts of weight multiple times and can do a historical comparison.

Anyhow, I was seriously worried that I’d have another freak out reaction after bariatric surgery and had a therapist lined up just in case, but looks like the initial months of therapy did the trick and realigned my thinking. I can now react to people’s comments and changed treatment with a measure of bemusement and, I don’t know, anthropological distance? There’s a lot of social engineering dictating their responses too.

But it doesn’t do any good for you to have all those emotions wearing you down. Definitely see a therapist. It’s housecleaning for your brain - whenever someone else cleans your house, they dust the spots you neglect and suggest more effective ways to do things. Allow someone uninvolved to come in and assess whether your current mental setup is actually working for you, and if not, how to change it.

PS - 100% co-sign on @GreenTealael‘s note about not being the same person. It’s not just physical, you’ll be mentally different too, and behaviorally different. My sister showed me videos from a family gathering two years apart and it’s shocking how different my behavior is. My participation is different, my volume, my ease, where I am in the crowd, the way I’m interacting with others. Sure I’m thinner and wearing better clothes, but it’s like an engine has been switched on inside me. An outside observer, coming across this bunch of genetically similar-looking people, could easily conclude that I was two entirely different cousins.

Edited June 9, 2019 by sideeye

[Krestel 330]

4 minutes ago, sideeye said:

Yes, see a therapist. You know that your current reaction to a bunch of stimuli results in you feeling strong emotions that you don’t like - generically, that’s exactly the situation where a therapist comes in handy.

...

Anyhow, I was seriously worried that I’d have another freak out reaction after bariatric surgery and had a therapist lined up just in case, but looks like the initial months of therapy did the trick and realigned my thinking.

I totally agree here. I specifically asked for regular times after my surgery with my therapist just in case. She asked me what kinds of problems that I thought I might encounter and I honestly answered that I had absolutely no clue. But I know that these kinds of things can either get out of control or screw over my weight loss. Im not taking any chances.

[Krestel 330]

2 hours ago, sideeye said:

Yes, see a therapist. You know that your current reaction to a bunch of stimuli results in you feeling strong emotions that you don’t like - generically, that’s exactly the situation where a therapist comes in handy.

...

Anyhow, I was seriously worried that I’d have another freak out reaction after bariatric surgery and had a therapist lined up just in case, but looks like the initial months of therapy did the trick and realigned my thinking.

I totally agree here. I specifically asked for regular times after my surgery with my therapist just in case. She asked me what kinds of problems that I thought I might encounter and I honestly answered that I had absolutely no clue. But I know that these kinds of things can either get out of control or screw over my weight loss. Im not taking any chances.

I also saw this article (https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/teen-became-bulimic-after-family-16486322) which also reflects the same issues this thread has been talking about. This teenager got so much more positive attention when she lost weight (under such a short period of time) even though she practiced an eating disorder to get there. Sad, but good on her for sharing her story.

[GreenTealael 25,622]

19 hours ago, rs said:

21 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Hmmmmm but how to do it without being shut down [emoji26][emoji3][emoji23]

Why would it be shut down

Maybe it wouldn't be... Obviously we would have to leave people's names changed or anon...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

[djgirl19 276]

I lost a lot of weight earlier in life and went through these same feelings. I was so hurt at how I was treated differently by people who I always cared about. They seemed to like me more when there was “less to like.” I got attention from men that I wasn’t used to getting. People talked to me that had never given me the time of day and I was bitter. What crutch did I want to turn to when I went through those emotions? food, of course. It was really a frustrating paradox.

[KCgirl061 1,533]

35 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

Maybe it wouldn't be... Obviously we would have to leave people's names changed or anon...

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Can't find the Revenge List.... where did you put it?!?😂

Edited June 9, 2019 by KCgirl061

[GreenTealael 25,622]

30 minutes ago, KCgirl061 said:

Can't find the Revenge List.... where did you put it?!?😂

Right here 😉