Hi all, my first post here and really first time I'm reaching out. I need help. I had RNY in 12/2009 at 382 lbs and did great, I got down to 150 lbs even after giving birth. First it was hard dealing with the medications after having post-partum depression but after a few setbacks we were able to find the right combination of meds but then on 6/2013 I was sexually assaulted and that started the snowball that ends with all the weight I've put on. After the assault I was put on more medications and was in a car accident where I suffered a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and now suffer from seizures. The years between then and 2016 were really bad. In the past eating was my way to cope with things but I couldn't do that so I started drinking instead. Needless to say that was atrocious and it all culminated in a very painful break up with the father of my daughter and me moving cross-country for 18 months. The drinking got better slowly but then to compensate the not-drinking I started eating for comfort instead.

That's where I'm at now, I'm weighing 200-some lbs (I'm terrified of weighing myself) and go back and forth between weeks where I almost starve myself trying to get some control or cut out carbs or something like that but then I want to drink every day because I can't cope. When I stop drinking then all I want to do is eat. I've moved back to my town and for the most part things in my life are better (less medications, I'm getting married in 3 weeks, good job) but no matter what I'm constantly depressed and hate myself. I feel like the biggest, most disgusting failure for all the weight I've gained. My family isn't the best to turn to for support (my mom recently said to her I look fatter than when I had surgery, even though I'm nowhere near 382 lbs) so I know that I probably need therapy and to go back to my surgeon but I don't even know where to start.

I am so ashamed that I'm fat and I think that's why I feel so out of control. This post is the first time I've even written down a lot of what's happened or admitted that I feel out of control or need help.

I don't know that I'm asking for advice or just support or just anything but I needed to get this out there. I want to start looking forward to living my life again.

I started therapy today. Not bad, the therapist seemed nice enough and hopefully I can start getting something good out of it soon. I did have a rough last week with panic attacks and then this weird side pain that was so bad I had to go to the ER. They admitted me but they were so rude and kept acting like I just wanted pain meds when the CT scan looked normal. The GI team finally was nice to me and did an endoscopy and found a small hiatal hernia and said it'd be up to the attending doctor to see what would be done. Well, the doctor was basically like "everyone gets those, it's not a big deal, you're getting discharged." I'm so f-ing pissed but at least I know my bariatric surgeon, who I see later this next month will take care of it.

UGH. I hate doctors sometimes.