Fear of changing relationship with best friend

[quartles 1]

I am just starting my journey. I have my sleep study in 2weeks and my surgeon appointment after that.

My best friend and I are extremely close...I can’t imagine my life without her. We are currently about the same size (5’8”, 300#) and are mistaken for sisters all the time. I am concerned that having this surgery may negatively effect our relationship. I don’t know how it could, and she is extremely supportive. She is not interested in surgery at this point in her life and I support her with her decision. Has anyone else had a relationship change with a best friend just because you have lost weight.

[JacquelineC 43]

Years ago when I had lost 60 lbs, a good friend co-worker came up to me (who was heavy) and said we could no longer be friends. I thought that was strange, I guess we weren’t really good friends after all! I say your friends are your friends, no matter what!

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

23 minutes ago, quartles said:

concerned that having this surgery may negatively effect our relationship

@quartles

once a week i went out with a group of friends

we were all obese (morbidly)

outing was always at a nice restaurant

food, food, food galore. we always had a

nice time chatting about this or that. one of our

constant discussions was about our weight.

plans to go on a diet SOON. we would talk about this

while eating cheesecake! as i got smaller i think they felt

awkard around me. gradually, we stopped being together.

sad but true. (that's my story) hopefully you and bestie

will have a better ending (or new beginning) good luck

with WLS - kathy

[summerset 5,265]

Relationships change. It's sometimes sad, but true.

Weight loss can be one trigger, however, so can getting married, having children, going to university etc.

I have had numerous friendships somehow "drying out" (there wasn't some big bang or something that ended the friendship). When I changed school in childhood, when I changed school at the age of 16, when I went to university, when I started working, when people in our environment started getting children etc. etc. etc.

There are many triggers that change friendships, sadly weight loss can be one of them.

[Danny Paul 761]

One reason (and there are many) why people have friendships is there is a commonality. There are things in the relationship that both strongly share. For most overweight people it's being overweight and food. When you have WLS you are going to lose weight and you won't have the same relationship you did with food. You therefore lose that commonality. This doesn't mean you can't be friends but now you have to rework the relationship. For me, I don't like going out to restaurants anymore. I don't have the same joy as I once did. On those occasions I do go, I take the advice from many on this board. I order small, shuffle my food around the plate and maintain conversations. One other thing I do that I believe helps, I down play the weight loss as much as possible. When friends ask how I feel I tell them although I'm healthier I don't have the "zip" that I thought I would have had by losing weight. I say I guess thats because I'm older. I then change the subject and talk about the kids or something else. I try to take the spotlight off of me and the weight loss.

From my support group I find this happens much more with women than men. I believe women have more bonding in friendships than men.

[aNYCdb 310]

I would add that if the friendship is important to you be proactive about preserving it. I think sometimes people look at weight loss surgery as if it were a cosmetic thing (even those that are heavy), perhaps if you talk about the surgery in the terms of using it to tackle health issues it may be more accepted (although from what you've said you don't seem to have any specific reason why you think this will cause you two to drift apart).

[Frustr8 7,886]

Any update on you and your friend @quartles? Have you been able to smooth it out or have you just had to move on?😓

[TakingABreak 2,733]

On ‎03‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 12:59 PM, quartles said:

I am just starting my journey. I have my sleep study in 2weeks and my surgeon appointment after that.

My best friend and I are extremely close...I can’t imagine my life without her. We are currently about the same size (5’8”, 300#) and are mistaken for sisters all the time. I am concerned that having this surgery may negatively effect our relationship. I don’t know how it could, and she is extremely supportive. She is not interested in surgery at this point in her life and I support her with her decision. Has anyone else had a relationship change with a best friend just because you have lost weight.

I'm afraid what I have to say isn't probably hopeful. I have a best friend and we were both overweight and unhealthy. She was super supportive throughout the process. She traveled with me over 3 hours to my bariatric class. She went to orientation with me, ect. She was my rock during my pre op diet. We talked about her getting the surgery as well. She seemed genuinely interested. Although, she has a husband that holds her back tremendously! And the sad fact is that he needs the surgery worse than she does. Anyways, after surgery it was bizarre. She started this new health regime. She was researching about healthy dieting. She was obsessed. More so than me, and I just had major surgery to change my life. It was refreshing though. She did a "juicing fast" for the two weeks I was in my full liquids and pureed phase. We lived breathed and died talking about health trends. Then her husband sabotaged her, and I mean..... seriously and maliciously sabotaged her. She caved and it was over quicker than it started. From that point on we went to talking every day to not talking for over 2 weeks. I didn't see her for over a month. I think ultimately she was ashamed for me to see that she fell off the horse. I even remember going over to her house for the first time and she tried hiding a soda from me. We eventually recovered, semi. We still don't talk but maybe weekly now. We hang out every other week. Our lifestyles are so different now. I don't think it's jealousy, but rather, that I am a reminder of how she'd like her life to be. The sad thing is that she could make all the changes I've made if she'd just commit and put her husband in the trunk of their car for a few weeks until she created a habit. I don't know if we will ever be the same again. Our friendship revolved around very unhealthy habits before. I've kicked those to the curb.

I hope you and your best friend weather the storm. Good luck! Xo -Ashley

[Creekimp13 5,841]

My bestie inspired me by losing 40 pounds last year.

We met the first day of first grade....so this girl has been in my life over 40 years:)

40 pounds to her....was huge. She's always been a skinny mini, and actually suffered from anorexia for a while when we were in highschool:( I don't think she ever weighed more than 100 pounds until after graduation. In contrast...in highschool I was about 160....but I always felt like I was happier with my body than she was.

As an adult, she liked to weigh around 135...which is an awesome weight on her. She's built tiny, and it's a healthy appropriate weight for her frame.

But in the past few years, we've both gained weight. Her weight got up to about 175 and she was mortified....which was kinda tough for me, cause I was about 270 at the time.

She got on a diet and got addicted to her fitbit...and we started walking every week together.

My glucose numbers were inching up...I was prediabetic, so I started talking about sleeve surgery. She was incredibly supportive. She got me a Fitbit for my birthday last year and gave it to me a month early so I could have it for the start of my six month presurgical diet. it really helped:)

She has been incredibly supportive.

Yesterday, I went to her house wearing a new outfit, and she was like....OMG, if you don't lose another pound...you look amazing and healthy. I'm so proud of you.

She also had a kick-arse exercise plan for working on back fat and bra bulges....which she taught me in her kitchen. She's like....do 15 of these, then get 1000 steps....then do 15 more....do it three times...within 6 weeks you will get rid of the bra bulges, swear to God! (I'd been complaining about them...she always has awesome ideas)

She's at her goal weight now...and if I get to my goal weight...we'll still be 35 pounds apart, but we're built really different. We have a really good dynamic, and I always feel unconditionally accepted by her and supported.

I know that weight shifts can cause issues sometimes in relationships.....one person can feel like the other is getting their life together and the other feels left behind....it can be stressful.

When you're having success, reach out to your friend who isn't. They might be suffering some self doubt and hurt, and might feel very alone with it.

Don't let weight shame ruin a good friendship. Talk about it. Love each other. Help each other.

[Creekimp13 5,841]

Ultimately, I think it's like an alcoholic with drinking buddies.

You need to find other ways to spend time together that don't involve eating....or the relationship will get toxic. Or you have to 100% cool with each other's eating habits....which is also harder than it seems.

Weirdly...my mom and I really struggle with this one. So many of our visits revolved around getting a meal out together, or cooking together. It's been sort of awkward to find different ways to enjoy time together.

We're getting there....this week be bought and planted flowers. We've been playing cards and drinking tea, instead of soda, chips and dip.

But yeah....a HUGE part of my relationship with my mom has a ton of eating activities attached that are really tough for me cause she doesn't struggle with her weight like I do.

Mom activies of the past: Let's go get a donut. Let's make Cookies. Let's make bread. Let's go grocery shopping and get fast food. Let's go to a new restaurant. Let's got get ice cream. Can you detect a pattern? LOLOLOL

When I was a kid, every Friday was "Celebration junk food night". We'd get KFC (or pizza, or burgers), tabloid magazines, rent videos, and buy ice cream or candy to have with the movie. And scratchable lotto tickets. Two liters of cola. LOL. It was a celebration of God-awful choices....and You know what's messed up? I remember it really fondly. And if there's a day I'm gonna cheat....you can bet it will be on Friday.

I remember about two months post-surgery...we went to a movie with my mom and she ducked out and came back with sodas and candy and popcorn!

I'm like...Mom...I can't have this stuff......and the look on her face was so sad. It's like I'm taking away her enjoyment by not sharing her habits. I am rejecting her traditions!!!!

Ultimately...she was totally on board with me not eating the Snacks and she was sort of horrified she got them for me..... but I think she genuinely forgot, and it just felt disappointing to her not to "give me a treat" or revisit that tradition that reminds of of happy memories.

My mother expresses love in fat, salt and sugar. LOL. Seriously. So yeah...it's been hard.

Relationship changes are tough. Changing your activities so you're not always eating together....can be disarmingly tough.

Edited April 26, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Numbheart 108]

If you are really best of friends and really close, I don't think your weight loss will affect your friendship. As you've said, you support each other so I don't think there will be any issue

[xoxococojay 842]

2 yr vet, the only friend i ever really included in my process was another chubby friend. We are now just acquaintances unfortunately. It is what it is, not everyone will be genuinely happy for you once you suddenly become happier than they are. Now also keep in mind you might have some very stable sane friends who aren’t insecure about their weight and they love you regardless. I have a friend like that too. You’ll be fine either way. You’ll make additional friends too along the way because you’ll discover that you have some interests that you didn’t know you had.

[Laura5683 4]

I have a close work friend who (at one point) we were both around the same weight. At one point the manager yelled at me using her name, a lot of people mixed us up a lot.

No one really knows about my surgery, but I have lost around 35 kilos and we are still good friends. She doesn't judge my weight and I don't judge hers, though I make sure not to talk about weight in general around her because it makes both of us feel awkward. (To be fair I've always been self-conscious at any weight I've been at, and hate it being brought up, we spoke about it once and I remembered not to talk about weight stuff unless she brought it up).

We are still good friends and it hasn't changed the relationship at all. I understand your fear though, as we never know what the other person is thinking or what could change.
I think sometimes it can feel awkward, but if you have the connection then the weight won't really matter

Sent from my SM-G950F using BariatricPal mobile app

[RoRoKitty 183]

My best friend is also fat... and she is actually the reason I got the surgery... she was preparing for hers and I started to do my own research too, I found a doctor and got a date a few days before her (I chose a different doctor )
I ended up having the surgery, she didn’t dueto her liver, her doctor just closed her without finishing the operation. I have now lost 56 kilos (123 pounds) and I will always be greatfull to her ❤️ (she will probably get hers in May eventually)

[sideeye 1,440]

One element of it is the relationship between the two of you - that I think is mostly manageable, if you’re close friends. Your close friends will do a lot of work to manage their own mindset. But an entirely different aspect is the way you get treated by the world as you get thinner, and your friend gets a front-row seat for all of that. It can be really rough.

The closest comparison would be all those high school movies where a girl takes off her glasses and straightens her hair and suddenly she’s being invited out to parties, pursued by the football QB and even teachers are handing her awards and asking her to speak for the class. There’s a reason the best friend in those movies often drops out of sight. It’s one thing to love your changing friend and be thrilled at how she’s becoming more comfortable with herself. It’s another to have to withstand the extremely blatant evidence that society rewards superficial attractiveness in such an obvious way.

So sometimes it’s not that the friend has an issue with the WLS buddy. It’s that death-by-a-thousand-social-cuts actually does hurt and at some point they have to prioritize their mental health.