Hubby says " you aren't the one that has to be attracted to you" ..., WHAT?

[Dknal2 1,065]

Well BP FAM , I'm back again with a rant. My husband and I were talking last night and he made comments in how he wished I never had this surgery. He stated that my butt has gone almost away and he felt all unneeded to do was tone up and lose my belly initially. Well, first of all, I don't know how you tone up 242 lbs with BMI 0f 39( which was my initial weight and BMI). So.... he proceeded to run his mouth about all the things I can't do like drink gallons of sweet tea, eat cake and Cookies, go to restaurants and eat appetizer , entree and dessert.. You know all of the healthy stuff that led me to be 242 lbs in the first place. Well, I was really hurt by his comments. My rebuttal was how much healthier I am , I am a lose size 10 as opposed to a tight size 16, I am no longer out of breath with walking 20 feet and I am able to exercise. I like how my body has changed and I told him I love my size. Well, he said "you don't have to be attracted to you, I do and you only needed to lose a little belly but now your butt has gone down tremendously " well needless to say I was pushed to my breaking point. I was like if you don't like what you see, go and find you a thick chic with a donkey's ass. I'm not even at goal yet so I'm gonna lose more and just ticked that he would say that to me which made me feel a lil insecure about my looks. Then I snapped out of it. I have posted pics on my other forums but I will put my last one here as well. Not tooting my own horn but I worked hard for these results . I had surgery in Dec 2016. I am just like dang I can't win for losing .i really thought I was doing good . My pics show one week after surgery on left, middle is 1 1/2 months post op and last pic on right was about 2 weeks ago.

[BostonGary 106]

First off, you look great. You should be proud and so should your husband.

One of the things I've read about WLS is that it puts a lot of strain on marriages and relationships.

The divorce and breakup rates of folks who have one of the partners go through a WLS is higher and pretty significant. There are different reasons for this. But it differs between couples. From what I've read, it's usually about acceptance and a denial of the other person "changing". People don't like change, especially when their the ones who have to accept it.

At first glance, I highly suggest getting some marital counseling before you go down that path of not coming back. It could just be that your husband is having a hard time seeing you the way you've changed and is feeling a bit intimated. But counseling is something I recommend based on his words to you. Words mean something.

Personally, I believe if you've got a healthy and strong relationship, WLS should be no different than getting any other surgery that someone has gone through. I think where people run into trouble is that if their relationship isn't healthy, this surgery can really bring out the ugliness quickly because your changing so fast.

I also think there's a dimension to this surgery that doesn't get discussed enough.

I've said many times here (on my different posts) that I think that WLS is different for males and females, dramatically so -- I've read a lot of posts, the differences of experiences and the emotional aspects of getting WLS is so incredibly different between men and women, especially ones that are in relationships -- there probably should be a major forum topic for this particular issue.

With that, I think your husband is being really unfair.

He got on your case about eating unhealthy prior, then tells you that you aren't the one that has to be happy with your looks, he's the only one that does? Yeah... that's not supportive. Anybody who knows anything about being in a relationship knows that you have to love yourself before you can truly (note: the word "truly", it's important) love someone else. Having self-esteem, self-worth and confidence in who you are as a person is the ONLY way that you can respect your mate and treat them the way YOU want to be treated.

I think there's some level of "buyers remorse" with the partner when it comes to this surgery. As their partner gets more and more healthy, often times it's hard for them to accept the new person and the new confidence. Men in particular (and I've seen this first hand with a friend of mine) can be hard on their partner for improving their looks or the overall appearance. The reasons for this vary, but often times it has to do more with them than it does with you.

I recommend having a long hard conversation with him to ensure he's supportive and if he's unwilling to do that, you might need the next step, which is counseling. Which if he can't fix the situation through that support system, you might be looking at irreconcilable differences.

Edited April 3, 2017 by BostonGary

[Stephanielp 120]

You look great I'm starting to get some of the same mess if they love us they will adapt and keep it moving ... if not well... We should have known a long time ago ...keep up the awesome work

progress starts in the mind

[Dknal2 1,065]

21 minutes ago, BostonGary said:

First off, you look great. You should be proud and so should your husband.

One of the things I've read about WLS is that it puts a lot of strain on marriages and relationships.

The divorce and breakup rates of folks who have one of the partners go through a WLS is higher and pretty significant. There are different reasons for this. But it differs between couples. From what I've read, it's usually about acceptance and a denial of the other person "changing". People don't like change, especially when their the ones who have to accept it.

At first glance, I highly suggest getting some marital counseling before you go down that path of not coming back. It could just be that your husband is having a hard time seeing you the way you've changed and is feeling a bit intimated. But counseling is something I recommend based on his words to you. Words mean something.

Personally, I believe if you've got a healthy and strong relationship, WLS should be no different than getting any other surgery that someone has gone through. I think where people run into trouble is that if their relationship isn't healthy, this surgery can really bring out the ugliness quickly because your changing so fast.

I also think there's a dimension to this surgery that doesn't get discussed enough.

I've said many times here (on my different posts) that I think that WLS is different for males and females, dramatically so -- I've read a lot of posts, the differences of experiences and the emotional aspects of getting WLS is so incredibly different between men and women, especially ones that are in relationships -- there probably should be a major forum topic for this particular issue.

With that, I think your husband is being really unfair.

He got on your case about eating unhealthy prior, then tells you that you aren't the one that has to be happy with your looks, he's the only one that does? Yeah... that's not supportive. Anybody who knows anything about being in a relationship knows that you have to love yourself before you can truly (note: the word "truly", it's important) love someone else. Having self-esteem, self-worth and confidence in who you are as a person is the ONLY way that you can respect your mate and treat them the way YOU want to be treated.

I think there's some level of "buyers remorse" with the partner when it comes to this surgery. As their partner gets more and more healthy, often times it's hard for them to accept the new person and the new confidence. Men in particular (and I've seen this first hand with a friend of mine) can be hard on their partner for improving their looks or the overall appearance. The reasons for this vary, but often times it has to do more with them than it does with you.

I recommend having a long hard conversation with him to ensure he's supportive and if he's unwilling to do that, you might need the next step, which is counseling. Which if he can't fix the situation through that support system, you might be looking at irreconcilable differences.

Thank you so much. What an insightful reply. I have had control issues with my hubby for a while and the monster had reared its head so much more since surgery. I think he like fatter me because that made him feel secure because he would tell me how great I looked when I knew I didn't look great. But now I can count on my fingers how many times he has really complimented my body. When I lost like 15 lbs he was on me like white on rice but now I have gotten way smaller and he never compliments me about how my body looks at all... only when I'm going to church he tells me I look pretty and that's because my makeup is on and hair fixed cute. But nothing about how my body looks.

I am just really facing the reality of maybe my marriage is gonna end because he is too stubborn for counseling and tells me he doesn't need it but I do cuz I'm too sensitive about everything so I'm crazy.

I pray for my marriage daily and I know God wants us to be happy and have peace in our hearts as well as our home. He grants us peace. I'm just pondering on how long do I continue to be unhappy. Not yo mention I just caught him talking to a girl on Facebook that was very thick . He says he was mad at an argument but im like so you give your number out to a girl to chat with over our argument, which wasn't even a bad argument. So I'm looking like a dummy yet again. But I pray for strength and for God to lead my next steps because I'm almost positive I will be single before this year is done.sad but true.

[Dknal2 1,065]

26 minutes ago, Stephanielp said:

You look great I'm starting to get some of the same mess if they love us they will adapt and keep it moving ... if not well... We should have known a long time ago ...keep up the awesome work

progress starts in the mind

Thank you so much. You are so right. My thoughts on love and being loved have really changed. Crap I used to accept I'm not willing to accept anymore. I know I deserve better ... big or small... we deserve respect n love from our significant others. I blame myself for accepting a lot of unacceptable behaviors over the years for different reasons but I still let crap go when I shouldn't have . But mind, body and spirit, I am a different me. I'm just trying to see what my next steps need to be. God will keep me and guide me to do the best thing for me.

Edited April 3, 2017 by Dknal2

[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

@Dknal2 - were you heavy when you met/married? He may be insecure and afraid now that he is going to lose you to someone else because you look so good. I'm not justifying any of the hurtful things he said, but trying to look at what might motivate him to say those things. (From the perspective of someone who knows nothing about your relationship.)

Maybe that's part of the discussion you need to have with him - he may not realize that he is scared and he's saying awful stuff because its the only way he knows how to react when scared.

That all being said, you need to do what is best for you. Counseling for yourself with someone you trust can make a huge difference.

Wishing you peace.

[kimmy faith 15]

You look AMAZING girl ! , dont let men get to you.

Me and my mother are both getting the gastric sleeve , im getting mine first them she will be getting hers.Our situation is quite similar, you see i have a step father who honestly doesn't care about anyone else's feelings except his. About a week ago he had told my mom he does not want to hear about the surgery because he don't think we can do it , because we've been big forever.Im 19 my moms 39 Im so excited to go through this process with my mother who is also my best friend. Im here if you need anyone to talk to love

Add me on FB if you ever need someone- Kimmy spidle

[teacupnosaucer 445]

You are doing this for YOUR LIFE and YOUR HEALTH. If he can't see that your quality of life is more important than his visual stimulation... well, that's on him! I sure hope he straightens up his attitude, because if he doesn't I'd be finding myself a new man! I do hope it's like the people above said and that he's just insecure and lashing out, and that he'll realize how hurtful and selfish he's being and apologize... but if not, don't let him pull you down.

I would suggest counselling. Maybe a counsellor can help him talk to you more respectfully and help him realize he's being unfair, and let him express how he's feeling in a way that you can comfort and reassure him as his loving wife vs. you being pushed away... and let you speak your mind too about how much this surgery means to you and why you need his support.

I hope you two get through this... but if you don't, well, there are plenty of other men out there, including ones who will care as much about your wellbeing as they do about your looks! Either way, walk with your head held high.

[teacupnosaucer 445]

And having read the rest of the thread... you're not a dummy, and you don't deserve to be treated badly, not by anyone. You deserve to love yourself, and to have your man love you back, and be as faithful to you as you are to him. If he can't be that man, there's no shame in going your own way.

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

3 hours ago, Dknal2 said:

I was like if you don't like what you see, go and find you a thick chic with a donkey's ass.

Nothing more needs to be said than this. If he doesn't get the message, well.. his loss.

[MowryRocks 679]

This was my biggest fear going into surgery. I talked to my husband about it, ad nauseam. I've worked really hard at making this change about us as much as it is about me and that has seemed to help us both feel confident. Men react oddly when they are afraid of losing something, hopefully that is what it is and it will all come out in the wash, but if it doesn't change or he's unwilling to change, then you have a decision to make.

I hate this situation for you.

Keep up the good work.

[Dknal2 1,065]

1 hour ago, MowryRocks said:

This was my biggest fear going into surgery. I talked to my husband about it, ad nauseam. I've worked really hard at making this change about us as much as it is about me and that has seemed to help us both feel confident. Men react oddly when they are afraid of losing something, hopefully that is what it is and it will all come out in the wash, but if it doesn't change or he's unwilling to change, then you have a decision to make.

I hate this situation for you.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you so much for the support. I indeed understand his insecurities but still not excusing his words or actions that are so hurtful. I'm trying to give this a chance n see if it can be a solution but if not, life goes on

[shan0520 241]

You are a beautiful confident woman. Your husband is either slow to catch that or doesn't want to keep up. What you accept as a heavier person is not the same as we accept as a thinner person.
I will keep you in my prayers.

[Dknal2 1,065]

3 hours ago, Diana_in_Philly said:

@Dknal2 - were you heavy when you met/married? He may be insecure and afraid now that he is going to lose you to someone else because you look so good. I'm not justifying any of the hurtful things he said, but trying to look at what might motivate him to say those things. (From the perspective of someone who knows nothing about your relationship.)

Maybe that's part of the discussion you need to have with him - he may not realize that he is scared and he's saying awful stuff because its the only way he knows how to react when scared.

That all being said, you need to do what is best for you. Counseling for yourself with someone you trust can make a huge difference.

Wishing you peace.

Hi namesake,

I was not heavy . I was 145 lbs when we met( I was a cheerleader in high school when he n I started dating). Then I left for the army and bulked up to 160 lbs in basic but all muscle. He told me the other day that when I came back from basic I was about this weight but way thicker and I had an awesome butt. I don't have as much as I used too but I'm still in the game with a little butt, lol.

Im not a bad looking female and my body is very much together at the great age of 39 May I add so I just feel really bad that he is trying to make me feel inferior to him by hinting little insults at me. I'm proud of this body I worked hard for it. No one is gonna downplay what I have done to attain it.

[Dknal2 1,065]

3 hours ago, kimmy faith said:

You look AMAZING girl ! , dont let men get to you.

Me and my mother are both getting the gastric sleeve , im getting mine first them she will be getting hers.Our situation is quite similar, you see i have a step father who honestly doesn't care about anyone else's feelings except his. About a week ago he had told my mom he does not want to hear about the surgery because he don't think we can do it , because we've been big forever.Im 19 my moms 39 Im so excited to go through this process with my mother who is also my best friend. Im here if you need anyone to talk to love

Add me on FB if you ever need someone- Kimmy spidle

Thank you so much. I am 39 as well and my 20 year old son went with me to have my surgery and was very supportive for 5 days.... I live in Alabama but my surgery was in Texas. It's never too late to make a change in life , be it with weight or whatever. I am not on FB but I will send a private message and thanks for support. I really find this forum to be so helpful to me. I love you guys for being such good people that genuinely care. It's a true blessing.