I am in the pre-op stage of this journey. I held out on anything surgical for years, saying I would save it as a "last resort." I guess my last resort has come. I think my years of yoyo dieting along with the "on-again-off-again" exercise routine has brought me to this point. I keep telling myself, "I'm a lifetime Weight Watchers member - I SHOULD be able to do this without resorting to WLS." But that "SHOULD" doesn't seem to happen anymore. I was in my 20s when I lost weight with Weight Watcher and in a very different situation.

Now I am 50, I'm a ten-year recovering alcoholic and drug addict. I quit all forms of nicotine seven years ago. I am an emotional eater at the very least, even a food addict, so WLS is the next step of my recovery. I am nervous about this step. I know that WLS is a tool to fix my hunger, but it won't fix what's between the ears. While I am a fan of 12-step recovery, I am not a fan of food-related 12-step recovery (I've tried them.) I am planning to work with a therapist, as I know I need cognitive behavioral therapy when it comes to food. I'll also be seeking some bariatric-related support groups like this as well as face-to-face if they are available in my area.

Sometimes I find myself thinking

- why haven't I been able to do this without surgery

- I am permanently altering my body which seems so severe

- what if I get this surgery and nothing changes

- what about the gas and the pain and the diarrhea and the hair loss that I've read so much about here

- what if surgery causes irreversible damage

- Will I be able to consume all of the Water and Protein needed

- Will this be sustainable for a lifetime

- Will I be able to extend my life and my QUALITY of life

- Will I be able to lose the 100+ pounds I want to lose

- How much damage have I done to myself already, will it be reversible

- How much sagging skin should I expect

But while I worry about all of those things, I remind myself of all of my WHYS

- I want to feel better and be more active

- I want to avoid type II diabetes and stop taking Metformin (I already have high-normal blood sugar)

- I want to lower my cholesterol and stop taking Lipitor

- I want to lower my blood pressure and stop taking lisinopril

- I want to be active with my son (he's 14, rail-thin, and super active)

- I want to live a long time for my son

- I want to be more active with my partner (she is also in recovery, overweight, and she and I will have WLS together)

- I want to reduce the pain in my joints from carrying this heavy body around every day

- I want to go to baseball games and concerts and broadway shows and fit comfortably in the seats

- I want to be able to tie my shoes effortlessly again

- I want to be able to reach fully around my body to scratch my back or clean my back - I have hampered that ability with my size

- I want to fit on the rides at the fair or at six flags again

- I want to zip line and horseback ride with my family on vacations

- I want to get back on a jet ski and not have to fear whether or not I can get back on it if I fall off

- I want to fit in normal-size chairs and booths again

- I want to climb a flight of steps without getting winded or causing agony in my joints

- I want a "pep in my step" again - everything feels so cumbersome right now

- I want to fit in a coach class airplane seat again without overflowing into other passengers seats

- I want to fly without the need for a seatbelt extender

Most of all, I don't want to die to young like my mom did. I lost her four weeks ago--heart disease ultimately took her but there was so much more that led to her death. This loss has been devastating and it think it's my tipping-point. Mom was only 76 and she's gone way too soon. My sister and I said for years now that she might not live to see 80. But it was still a blow to us. Mom lived an unhealthy lifestyle for decades and developed weight-related diseases and impediments. I think she set the example for me of what NOT to become. However, I am on her path right now. I live a sedentary life, I eat too much of the wrong things and too much food in general. Fortunately, I quit smoking years before Mom did. But it's not enough. I MUST change or I fear I will suffer her fate.

So that brings me to the present. I'm nervous, I'm excited, and I'm ready for a lifetime change.

You perfectly captured all of the reasons that I finally decided to take the drastic step and have WLS. I can relate to many if not all of your wants list. I was on 2 different cholesterol medicines and meds for diabetes. My Dr. has me off of all of them for now. You seem so very ready to do this because you already understand what I don't think I totally did going into this and that is that part of my issue is not the size of my stomach and what I can eat, but instead what is going on in my head. I am not physically hungry any more, but I still find myself looking for what can I eat.

I am still a work in progress, but am very please to be on the right path.

Good luck!