Dealing with Rejection

[Dr-Patient 831]

@@theantichick Nice post. It reminds me of an article I read years ago: "Single and looking beats empty marriage." It began with "Is it better to be alone without a spouse; or to have a spouse... nd still be alone?" Discussing it, the consensus was it is better to be single, than to be in an unhappy, loveless marriage. It also said what you did: there are good men out there [though, hmmm], and one can be 'alone' without being 'lonely.'

To the OP, don't let his cheating ways/his actions define you to you. I did that (for years) and lost many marriage-likely years of my life. Thank God I finally broke free of that [alas, 30 years later!!], but it cost me time, family, happiness, self-esteem. [i'm preparing to write a book about that, in fact.]

I read something the other day: "If someone wants to leave, let them. Your absence will show them something that your presence did not." They'll realize they lost a good thing; that they screwed up and did a wrongful exit, or handling of things. Besides, karma is...

Head up. Seek counseling, if needed. Learn yourself (stay off FB, etc., and useless distractions). Spend time with you, your spirit, your abilities. Learn yourself. Do something new; enjoy new people; be a good parent. Know God. And enjoy your new weight loss success. Good luck.

[Candygyrl 637]

It's been a while since I've made a post. I filed a divorce after 7 years on 1/29/2016. The divorce was finalized last month. Before I filed for a divorce, a former friend told me my then husband at the time had a girlfriend. Not once did he fight for our marriage. Instead, he reached out to many women and found one who was willing to give him a chance. I eventually found out that his mistress knew all about me and they slept together 2 days after our wedding anniversary. That hurt me a lot. My then husband told so many lies on me and people actually believed him. I had to end up cutting every person we ever came in contact with out of my life because they claimed they were on my side, however they were on my husband's team. Inlaws, so called friends--the majority of them knew he had a mistress and failed to correct him about his actions because they valued his presence more than mine and my kid. Not that I like to talk about people but his mistress is extremely overweight and unattractive. My ex-husband is very controlling and narcissistic, so I am aware that he went after her because she has no self-esteem or confidence. She does everything he tells her to. He did the same with me. When I met my ex-husband, I was slightly overweight. Each year during our marriage, I got bigger and bigger. He seemed to be happy with it, always told me I was beautiful. But that was a lie. Now that we are divorced, family members and friends started coming forth and told me how they despised my ex-husband during our marriage because they knew he was a liar, a cheater, and controlling. They told me how it bothered them to see me gain weight and have several health issues, yet my then husband seemed content. Not only that, he didn't struggle with weight and was not very supportive in me losing weight. When I had my surgery in December 2015, he asked me twice if I would leave him once I lost weight. I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. 3 weeks after my surgery, I packed my and my daughter's clothing in trash bags and left. Everyday I hoped he would call, to see where I went, to see if I and my daughter were ok, to see if he wanted me back home but that didn't happen. When I checked our phone records, I saw he reached out to women he claimed he didn't even communicate with. Not once did I get a call or text asking for forgiveness or for me to come back home. And then, day after day I learned how he had a mistress and he slept with numerous prostitutes. And yes, this mistress knew all about me but just did not care, same as my then husband. My ex-husband did everything he could do to tear me down. Locked me out of our home. Slept with the mistress in our bed. Told lies to everyone would listen. In the end, I was able to move in our home and he had to move out. But the memories in the home was just to much to bear. I had to sleep in the guest room because I just could not sleep in our bedroom, where he had his mistress. How could people be so cruel? How could my husband do this to me and my kid? How could his mistress be ok with being with a married man and him mistreating me and a minor child? I guess I will never understand. Now that I am single, how do I move on? I am terrified to date. People compliment me and tell he how great I look since weight loss, but my ex-husband has destroyed all my self esteem. Therefore, I do not believe people when they tell me I look great. I can't even make eye contact with a man because I am afraid of them. It's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself because I am afraid that if I meet someone, that I won't be able to provide them with a relationship. I am just too torn. How do I move past the hurt? How do I move past the pain that my ex-husband inflicted on me and my daughter? All I can do is hope one day I can heal from all this.

@@Lexigurl82 First of all... you are beautiful. I know you can't see this right now because you're so broken but you really are. Your ex is a straight up BUSTER. Know that you have done the absolute best thing for you and your daughter and I just want to applaud you for having the COURAGE to take such a huge step. Many women live in this kind of turmoil and because they really don't believe they deserve better-- they stay. YOU made the first step and not only did you leave-- but you filed for DIVORCE. Please know that This too.... shall pass.

Lexi, this is your time. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but in time you will be able to look back on this day shaking your head and smiling at the same time. It's time for you to start loving YOU. You've had the WLS-- and been quite successful thusfar. Congratulations!!!! Continue with healthy activities it's this kind of thing that can derail us back to bad habits but DON'T EVEN.

The 5 stages of grief associated with dying apply to Divorce just the same. Some stages you will skip past quickly, some you will linger around in longer. It's ok to be sad. To cry. To break things. To be ANGRY. But then you must move on so that you can grow as an individual and transition into the next phase of your life that GOD has waiting for you. It is amazing.

Don't worry about dating right now. You're no where nearly ready for that. You have to heal first so that you are ready for the right one. OR else you might find yourself back in the same situation. First and foremost allow me to recommend personal counseling/therapy. I know this is not a very popular option but-- check your insurance benefits. Many plans have a Mental Health benefit that most of us never take advantage of. If your co-pays are too high, reach out to your Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Its a great resource available to employees to help you cope with stressors in your life. If you belong to a church you can also seek pastoral counseling.

I went through therapy for about 4 months. One night a week. 1 hr. No judgement. Psychologist was neutral and helped me to identify reasons that led to my thinking and behavior, and provided tools and behavioral exercises to help improve my thinking patterns, and responses. I had to DO THE WORK chile, because she couldn't be with me 24 hours but there were things I would work on until my next visit and we would review and move forward. This helped me to look at life with a new perspective, see the positive in myself so that I could focus more on becoming a better version of myself. That was the mind part.

I began eating healthier, exercising, taking care of my body. Then I had WLS. That was the body part. Many men who are themselves insecure, will prey on others with insecurities as a method to inflict control. He had not problem with your weight gain because it was no threat to him. He asked you if you were going to leave after having WLS because this was a threat to him. That's his problem, not yours.

Then the soul... whatever helps you to tap into a higher power, spiritual connection-- meditation, prayer, scriptures-- Bottom line all things need to be in check mind body and soul.

Spend some time to yourself to do some reflecting and create a vision board for what and who you want to be. Fit, stylish, Social, Traveler, whatever. Create a list of things you want to do. Yoga, Spa, re-connect with old friends, visit a new place, get your hair, nails, feet done. Go to the mall buy a new lip color, let them makeup your face. LOVE on YOU. IF you look good, you'll feel good.

Spend time with your daughter. I encourage you to work on yourself first and foremost because everything you do affects her. If you're moping around and depressed-- mad at the world, mad at her dad. She's taking it all in. Trust me kids pick up on these things and when mommy is sad... she hurts too. Be open to discussing her feelings.

I understand your feelings toward his friends and family but at the end of the day... their loyalty is to him. My sister in law and I are very close but I KNOW-- if there were something going on... her loyalty will always remain to her brother. Sometimes people just don't want to get involved or cause drama. That doesn't make it right, but this is a time for you to purge individuals out of your life and its up to you to pick and choose who you want in your life.

I do wish you the very best. I have a feeling this time next year for you will be much different but it is a process and there is light at the end of the tunnel. But it starts with you! Best wishes Lexi!

[SoExcited101 190]

Prayer changes things and I just prayed for you and your daughter. I am so sorry all of those things happened to you.

Sent from my LGMS550 using the BariatricPal App

[Lexigurl82 160]

It's been a while since I've made a post. I filed a divorce after 7 years on 1/29/2016. The divorce was finalized last month. Before I filed for a divorce, a former friend told me my then husband at the time had a girlfriend. Not once did he fight for our marriage. Instead, he reached out to many women and found one who was willing to give him a chance. I eventually found out that his mistress knew all about me and they slept together 2 days after our wedding anniversary. That hurt me a lot. My then husband told so many lies on me and people actually believed him. I had to end up cutting every person we ever came in contact with out of my life because they claimed they were on my side, however they were on my husband's team. Inlaws, so called friends--the majority of them knew he had a mistress and failed to correct him about his actions because they valued his presence more than mine and my kid. Not that I like to talk about people but his mistress is extremely overweight and unattractive. My ex-husband is very controlling and narcissistic, so I am aware that he went after her because she has no self-esteem or confidence. She does everything he tells her to. He did the same with me. When I met my ex-husband, I was slightly overweight. Each year during our marriage, I got bigger and bigger. He seemed to be happy with it, always told me I was beautiful. But that was a lie. Now that we are divorced, family members and friends started coming forth and told me how they despised my ex-husband during our marriage because they knew he was a liar, a cheater, and controlling. They told me how it bothered them to see me gain weight and have several health issues, yet my then husband seemed content. Not only that, he didn't struggle with weight and was not very supportive in me losing weight. When I had my surgery in December 2015, he asked me twice if I would leave him once I lost weight. I told him I would leave him if he didn't change. 3 weeks after my surgery, I packed my and my daughter's clothing in trash bags and left. Everyday I hoped he would call, to see where I went, to see if I and my daughter were ok, to see if he wanted me back home but that didn't happen. When I checked our phone records, I saw he reached out to women he claimed he didn't even communicate with. Not once did I get a call or text asking for forgiveness or for me to come back home. And then, day after day I learned how he had a mistress and he slept with numerous prostitutes. And yes, this mistress knew all about me but just did not care, same as my then husband. My ex-husband did everything he could do to tear me down. Locked me out of our home. Slept with the mistress in our bed. Told lies to everyone would listen. In the end, I was able to move in our home and he had to move out. But the memories in the home was just to much to bear. I had to sleep in the guest room because I just could not sleep in our bedroom, where he had his mistress. How could people be so cruel? How could my husband do this to me and my kid? How could his mistress be ok with being with a married man and him mistreating me and a minor child? I guess I will never understand. Now that I am single, how do I move on? I am terrified to date. People compliment me and tell he how great I look since weight loss, but my ex-husband has destroyed all my self esteem. Therefore, I do not believe people when they tell me I look great. I can't even make eye contact with a man because I am afraid of them. It's hard for me to go out and enjoy myself because I am afraid that if I meet someone, that I won't be able to provide them with a relationship. I am just too torn. How do I move past the hurt? How do I move past the pain that my ex-husband inflicted on me and my daughter? All I can do is hope one day I can heal from all this.

@@Lexigurl82 First of all... you are beautiful. I know you can't see this right now because you're so broken but you really are. Your ex is a straight up BUSTER. Know that you have done the absolute best thing for you and your daughter and I just want to applaud you for having the COURAGE to take such a huge step. Many women live in this kind of turmoil and because they really don't believe they deserve better-- they stay. YOU made the first step and not only did you leave-- but you filed for DIVORCE. Please know that This too.... shall pass.

Lexi, this is your time. I know it doesn't feel like it right now but in time you will be able to look back on this day shaking your head and smiling at the same time. It's time for you to start loving YOU. You've had the WLS-- and been quite successful thusfar. Congratulations!!!! Continue with healthy activities it's this kind of thing that can derail us back to bad habits but DON'T EVEN.

The 5 stages of grief associated with dying apply to Divorce just the same. Some stages you will skip past quickly, some you will linger around in longer. It's ok to be sad. To cry. To break things. To be ANGRY. But then you must move on so that you can grow as an individual and transition into the next phase of your life that GOD has waiting for you. It is amazing.

Don't worry about dating right now. You're no where nearly ready for that. You have to heal first so that you are ready for the right one. OR else you might find yourself back in the same situation. First and foremost allow me to recommend personal counseling/therapy. I know this is not a very popular option but-- check your insurance benefits. Many plans have a Mental Health benefit that most of us never take advantage of. If your co-pays are too high, reach out to your Employee Assistance Program (EAP). Its a great resource available to employees to help you cope with stressors in your life. If you belong to a church you can also seek pastoral counseling.

I went through therapy for about 4 months. One night a week. 1 hr. No judgement. Psychologist was neutral and helped me to identify reasons that led to my thinking and behavior, and provided tools and behavioral exercises to help improve my thinking patterns, and responses. I had to DO THE WORK chile, because she couldn't be with me 24 hours but there were things I would work on until my next visit and we would review and move forward. This helped me to look at life with a new perspective, see the positive in myself so that I could focus more on becoming a better version of myself. That was the mind part.

I began eating healthier, exercising, taking care of my body. Then I had WLS. That was the body part. Many men who are themselves insecure, will prey on others with insecurities as a method to inflict control. He had not problem with your weight gain because it was no threat to him. He asked you if you were going to leave after having WLS because this was a threat to him. That's his problem, not yours.

Then the soul... whatever helps you to tap into a higher power, spiritual connection-- meditation, prayer, scriptures-- Bottom line all things need to be in check mind body and soul.

Spend some time to yourself to do some reflecting and create a vision board for what and who you want to be. Fit, stylish, Social, Traveler, whatever. Create a list of things you want to do. Yoga, Spa, re-connect with old friends, visit a new place, get your hair, nails, feet done. Go to the mall buy a new lip color, let them makeup your face. LOVE on YOU. IF you look good, you'll feel good.

Spend time with your daughter. I encourage you to work on yourself first and foremost because everything you do affects her. If you're moping around and depressed-- mad at the world, mad at her dad. She's taking it all in. Trust me kids pick up on these things and when mommy is sad... she hurts too. Be open to discussing her feelings.

I understand your feelings toward his friends and family but at the end of the day... their loyalty is to him. My sister in law and I are very close but I KNOW-- if there were something going on... her loyalty will always remain to her brother. Sometimes people just don't want to get involved or cause drama. That doesn't make it right, but this is a time for you to purge individuals out of your life and its up to you to pick and choose who you want in your life.

I do wish you the very best. I have a feeling this time next year for you will be much different but it is a process and there is light at the end of the tunnel. But it starts with you! Best wishes Lexi!

thank you so much, I needed to hear those words. I am doing a little bit more, going out with my roommate and just trying to have fun. it is a process and I just want to heal. I know it's going to take some time and I guess it is something I just have to go through. I am actively looking for a job in the new city I am in and as soon as I find a job I will look into getting some additional counseling. Thanks again and God bless you

[Fredbear 397]

Prayer changes things and I just prayed for you and your daughter. I am so sorry all of those things happened to you.

Sent from my LGMS550 using the BariatricPal App

Prayer does jack and shit.

The OP needs therapy. Go to a therapist and change your life.

"When all is said and done, usually more has been said than done. "

[nawar 6]

my friend change everything in ur home.. change your hair your nails put permanent false lashes... take good care of your self.. make men as a way to enjoy ur self.. we r surrounded by rubbish.. u look great .. move on

Sent from my SM-N920C using the BariatricPal App

[Cari Dickenson 148]

I been through this.. I know how you feel... I had my surgery in November last yr 2015. I decided I was gonna stay single get myself healthy heart mind body and soul... and that's what I am focusing on... It's gonna hurt... Lord Knows it hurts... like nothing else can... But the pain fades.... I changed my room around made it totally mine... very different from what it was before... and that helped.... I also got a new bed... there are a lot of those bed warehouses out there where you can find one quite cheaply.. less than 200 bucks if its not comfy get a memory foam and it will be fine... if you like purple... pink etc... make it all about you frilly and girly... if that's you ... mine happens to be zebra stripes.... and I made it all mine You will heal it takes time I am sorry you had to go through this... No one deserves to be treated like crap.... It sucks and can really drop your self esteem down... you might even give therapy a try if that's an option for you...I had a great therapist before I bought my new house ( out of state) which was hard.... But a good therapist will help you list yourself back to where you should be.... and teach you how to love you... again... and focus on you and why you were with a man like that...and will help you to not pick the same kind of guy... sadly we tend to pick guys that are often alike in many ways patterns... You are beautiful... and you did not deserve to be treated like that....stay strong be beautiful... and most of all... find your happy...