Treated Differently After Weight Loss

[Andrew0929 1,102]

I'm 2.5 years out and have been at or near goal since 9 months out. Overall, everything has been great!

However, I've noticed that 2 people (1 relative and 1 friend) have become very distant and stand-offish along the way.

In both cases I can't recall any incident that could have caused this, which is why I'm confused. They are both over weight, although not excessively. Only one of the two knows about my WLS.

I'm tempted to confront them, but for now have just ignored it.

Any theories or recommendations?

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

I think it is natural that people grow apart. I wouldn't care really.

Talking to them won't change anything, if anything they will just hide how they really feel or it will get worse. You can't solve other peoples problems, if they have an issue with you, that is their issue. If a relationship with you was important to them, they would have already talked to you about how they are feeling.

Edited July 6, 2016 by OutsideMatchInside

[BeagleLover 1,020]

I wouldn't confront them, just let them know that you perceive that they are not as close anymore. I suggest asking for their feedback and go from there. Even if they didn't come up with anything on the spot, I imagine it'll get them thinking through it.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@@Andrew0929 - One of my best friends suddenly broke contact. I asked, but he won't tell me what's wrong. You can't make people do anything if they don't want to. All you can do is keep the door open. Sorry, it is horribly puzzling when people pull away without explanation, and it hurts (esp. if you are like me, I have many acquaintances and colleagues, but very few refrigerator friends*)

*these are people who can go to your fridge and grab something without asking first.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

My relationships have changed - my close friends are still close friends, but I have churned through some aquaintenances. I have netted more in the end so I guess it isn't a problem...

I too tried to think "why" but I kind of realized I didn't really want to hang out with them anymore either. so, something changed, maybe there is no one event or incident, just a shift in life focus?

[BestDayEver 418]

I think some people get upset when a friend or relative loses a great deal of weight because it changes the status quo. I'm in the same boat. One of my sisters-in-law is uncomfortable with my weight loss I think in part because she could always think of me as heavier than her and now that I weigh less than her, she has become politely distant. I also let go of a long time friend (30+ years) because she was so opposed to my choice to have WLS, there were no fireworks but I just distanced myself.

It does hurt but I think it's best to let it go and look forward to bigger and better things. I wrote this quote down in my calendar "sometimes you have to let things go, so there's room for better things to come into your life." It is hurtful, but I choose to move forward and try not to dwell on the negative.

I hope you feel peace as you move forward.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I'm a very curious person who sees life as a nuanced, complex experience.

But sometimes I think it just boils down to "People be crazy!"

Also, I've never had much luck trying to convince others that they're wrong. Humans seem pretty committed to being right.

[4MRB4PHOTO 3,900]

People do change, including yourself. It could be unrelated to your WLS, but I have read some people post that some people distance themselves from people who had WLS (it wasn't always people who were overweight or obese).

Perhaps you changed too. You are probably more self confident, outgoing and have new interests (other than food) and maybe they had more in common with the "old you"?

What is worse are people who would not give you the time of day because of being obese but now are friendly and want to socialize with you after the excess weight loss, or at least be willing to tell you the time of day. That can also be attributed in part to more self confidence and a positive change in demeanor too or maybe they are just fat- shamers and are shallow.

Edited July 6, 2016 by 4MRB4PHOTO

[katesuccess 990]

I've had that in my family too @Andrew0929, and it feels pretty heartbreaking. Both seemed so close and connected with me as a perpetually overweight person, and as if we shared a deeper connection. Now its as if that depth were merely a common experience of being overweight, and yet for me it was much more than that. We've gone from soul-baring to polite, and I HATE it.

My thoughts are like most of the others too - we can't change others, only our responses to them. Yes, people change of their own accord, so I hold out hope that in the future that closeness may again find purchase in their hearts.

At least know that you're not alone in this, and that its lousy to have to grieve such losses. I suspect their loss of you is even greater in the end.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,444]

You know why...

They are both over weight, although not excessively.

If they were important to you and you would like to regain the closeness, ask. A worthwhile relationship is worth an effort. At the same time, it helps to accept when it's no longer available.

[Wolfgirl78 266]

I'm in the same boat. My best friend, since we were 12, decided she didn't "like the person" I've become since I lost weight. That's what's she told people. That was when I was 2 years post op.

Me losing weight, as someone mention earlier in the thread, changed the status quo as we were both morbidly obese, and now just she is and I'm not.

I tried working things out, talking to her, she's not interested at all. It hurts a lot, still.

Sent from my iPad using the BariatricPal App

[BeagleLover 1,020]

@@Wolfgirl78, I'm so sorry to hear this. I imagine it DOES hurt a lot! It just shouldn't happen.

[Wolfgirl78 266]

@@BeagleLover

Thanks

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App

[B-52 7,113]

I found the complete opposite to be true....both in business and personal relationships, I am more openly accepted and people just seem more friendly.

Let's face it, like it or not, Obese people are pariah's to a large extent.

It was only when I became skinny and fit did I realize the difference, and often catch myself scrutinizing the obese. (some anyway)

[Mzdiggs 169]

I lost a dear friend some years back when she had wls and it took a long time before she told me that her therapist said that I was toxic to her. I couldn't figure out why and I still don't understand. It was not that I treated her any different she was upset with me for not entertaining wls.

Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App