Surgery jealousy? Is that a thing?

[Miss.Bunny447 33]

Story time: know someone; someone who is morbidly obese, more so than myself, that at one point she was considering having weight loss surgery but chickened out and never went thru with it. This was mainly because she was unable to give up her eating habits. But no judgement because at least she was honest with herself. I figure that since she struggles with her weight, and knows how helpful it can be since she was considering it for herself that she would be on my team rooting for me.

But I think I was wrong; today I was making small talk because we were both talking about our day; I told her I got a call back from my insurance company letting me know that my surgery was approved. The tone of the conversation went completely sour. Then I sat there and realized, every time anything about surgery comes up, she seems to make a negative comment; and today it was even more apparent than ever.

She's made comments already about how she knows so many people at work that have this surgery, how they "struggle" how "hard it is" for them ect. Today, because we were talking about the surgery date that the insurance approved, she went on about a co worker that was turned away on her surgery date because she was running a slight fever and how all her pre op testing went bad because it was over 30 days and that she didn't get another surgery date for 6 weeks. And because of all the comments she's made and how they are always negative, I can't help but wonder... Is this some

sort of jealousy?

Why would she even be jealous? I can be naive, and tend to try and write off people's passive aggressive comments as "oh maybe they are just playing devils advocate". But I realized not once since she's found out that I'm having surgery has she had anything positive to say.

It kind of hurts; and the thing is she's not the only one; all this time I just thought people were concerned but I'm sitting here starting to think that some may be jealous or hope that I experience some sort of hardship or failure.

What do I do? I'm kind of crushed right now

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[Heatgirl03 41]

I think you should surround yourself with positive people/friends! You need support, not to be put down for making a life time change. Do this for YOU! I'm starting the process and my "close" friends are so supportive. Misery loves company!! Good Luck!

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[KristenLe 5,979]

It's about jealousy and misery loves company. Try not to get upset or take it personally. It's about them.

[OutsideMatchInside 10,166]

@@Miss.Bunny447

When you go through hard times and live events you learn who your real friends are.

Your friend is probably disappointed in herself for not following through. She might not even realize it, and it is manifesting itself in this negative behavior.

I think more people need to really think about the people they call friends and family and if they really love them or understand what real unconditional love is. All of my close friends (note I said close) know I had surgery and they have all been overwhelming positive and supportive and not weird about it at all. I knew they really loved me before, but their reaction to my surgery has showed me how much and in how many ways.

If people don't want the best for you and can get past themselves to support you and love you, they don't really love you, not in a healthy way.

This is probably only going to get worse with your friend, if it ever gets better. You haven't even had surgery yet. When you have surgery and start to really visibly lose weight, your friend is probably going to really struggle. And if you are still friends with her when you hit regular sizes, shit is really going to hit the fan.

I'm not saying you should dump your friend, only you know what you can handle and what your friend means to you. However post-op is really stressful and the hormone fluctuations are real, so very real. You might not be able to deal with her when you are at like 6 weeks.

Good luck.

[kmorri 1,689]

If you consider this person a good friend I suggest confronting her with how you feel....and how it seems to you.....I don't mean accuse her of being jealous, but rather ask her why she hasn't had anything positive to say about your upcoming surgery and let her know that you would really like to have her support, It's possible that she doesn't realize how she's reacting..................BUT!!! If that doesn't change the situation then be ready to walk away from the relationship........

[Wolfgirl78 266]

I think it's a real thing.

Many years ago, before my sleeve. I remember being at a party at a friends house and a girl I met there (for the first time) had underwent gastric bypass and lost lots of weight. I don't even remember how it came up for discussion at the party. Anyway i remember being super jealous of her and making a snide remark about how it must be nice her insurance paid for it. As mine has an exclusion. I was very envious

Fast forward to 4 years ago, my insurance still doesn't cover it but I was in a financial situation to where I could finance it and pay for my sleeve myself. I lost my best friend I have had since the age of 12 a year post op. She's made comments to people we have in common about how I've changed since surgery and she didn't like the person Ive become. We had always been equals as far as size until I lost 100lbs. I started getting more attention and she couldn't handle it.

So yeah I think it's a thing

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

Any number of things can motivate her comments about surgery. I won't speculate or analyze the woman you're talking about.

It's your own expectations that caught my attention, as you're the one who's here. Bits of background are missing from your account. Writing that you "know someone" doesn't sound as though she's one of your nearest and dearest. If she were, it would be reasonable to think she'd be on your "team." In such case, let her know that you're disappointed, but allow that she may feel disappointed in herself. If she's not an intimate, she has no reason to shake her pompoms. I think that you're feeling "crushed" may be more about you, not she.

I say generally that keeping reasonable expectations is the way to go. Count on the close people.

If I'm laboring under the wrong impression, ignore all the above. No matter what, you have exciting things ahead. Enjoy every moment.

[Miss.Bunny447 33]

@@WLSResources/ClothingExch

You're not wrong; the relationship is not a good one but I try to be friendly with her. she lives with my dad as a room mate (they don't date but are friends) she has feelings for him but he doesn't feel that way about her but he's not gonna leave her high and dry because she doesn't have much family and doesn't want to abandon her. it's a strained relationship but I can't avoid her because my father has kind of made her part of the family; she's always at family functions, with my dad/ around constantly. I try my best to have a relationship with her because my dad, but has made it clear she's very envious of the loving and close relationship I share with my father. I know this because she's made comments like "I'll never have the kind of relationship with your dad that you have, I can't compete with that." Yeesh; I try not to think about what our relationship is; because she kind of freaks me out but I don't want to alienate her either and not let her be part of things. It's impossible to try to talk to just my dad about my surgery because she's always there. So it just felt easier to include her as to not be rude.

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[Miss.Bunny447 33]

I just thought cus she kind of knew my struggle that she would be a little more supportive; I was really wrong. So now I'm just trying to figure out how I am supposed to deal with this kind of negativity now and in the future

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[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@@Miss.Bunny447 -- Whew! Too bad she doesn't know that she can't possibly have a relationship as you do with your father simply because she isn't his daughter. She's mixed up, wanting to be his sweetie and his kid?

But, again, you're the one I'm here talking to. Because she's sharing a roof with your father, you're decent to include her when she's in the room. It seems to me, though, that you're 'allowed' to have time alone with him. Maybe tell him? Unless they're in a one- or two-room apartment, can't you go into another room? Take him for a walk or a coffee? Have him come to your place more often? If they're not a couple, he's not obligated to such a great extent. (He'd better not be nailing her!) Even blood relations know they're not joined at the hip.

Edited June 27, 2016 by WLSResources/ClothingExch

[Miss.Bunny447 33]

Actually the coffee/alone time thing is a good idea, He works two jobs , with limited time to rest so I try to get him while he's comfy at home. There have been times where My brother and I requested "alone time" to spend time with our pops and she seemed to have a problem that as we "excluded her" and she was really guilt tripping him. It's a 2 bedroom is an apartment. So the coffee idea seems like the most logical thing to do.

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Edited June 27, 2016 by Miss.Bunny447

[justhere4theshow 462]

You have made me realize how blessed I am to have nothing but support around me. I think this person is definitely bitter about her own experience and cannot see past that to cheer for you. I hope you won't let it discourage you, because this is truly an absolute blessing. It's very hard, but very worthwhile. You don't need that kind of negativity, so just steer clear as you can. I wish you the very best on your journey!

[susie66 58]

It could also be resentment over losing a "fat buddy". People with addiction issues, be it drugs, drink, food will try to sabotage their co-addicts because they don't want to lose their enablers.

[charmguru 11]

I'm gonna reroute the convo and say that she for sure may be a little jealous. My friend is about 35 pounds heavier than me (we talk about weight a lot) and I'm her second friend that's had gastric sleeve. We always talk about weight and go shopping and eating together because it's "harder" with skinny girls. I've told her about me finally decided to go forward with my surgery and she has been diff every since. I told her that we should revisit our plan to have it together so we can support each other and I only got snarky remarks back. Stuff like "I'm sure I can find the power to do it myself." "I'm stronger than surgery." "I'm not gonna put myself in that position, it's not that serious." But she has really unrealistic views about her weight. What someone said above about her not wanting to lose her fat friends may very well be true. I follow a lot of people on YouTube who have similar stories about their fat friends never wanting to hang out anymore or go shopping or saying things like "I don't like the person they've become". I can guarantee you that being skinnier and losing excess weight does nothing but raise your confidence and self esteem. And what's bad about that? How can someone not like it when you're happier? That's not a true friend. Just be aware.

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