Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

Getting intimate



Recommended Posts

Ok, so I've lost 60lbs so far, I've got the "Tina, the talking tummy" issue, or the "apron" stomach. It hangs, and it's disgusting. Since losing the weight, and having a baby prior, I absolutely hate it. I always feel the need to explain to men about my situation. I already know the "if they love/like you, they won't care" so I'm not looking for that answer, but what do you women tell men, or visa versa, or do you not tell them at all? I'm just afraid of being rejected I guess. Does anyone else have this fear?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Date a fellow sleever...

That way everybody is clear on the whole saggy skin/awkward displays of grisly bits/odd slapping sounds situations...

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Could, but how realistic is that really?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ok, I hope you find this a funny story. I had lost over 150#, late 40s, yes... I'd had kiddos too. My excess tummy skin was pretty bad although I was good at disguising it with Spanx. I remember once about fainting when i saw myself in the mirror at the gym doing planks. The hanging tummy from that angle was freakish.

So, I find myself single. I had been intimacy deprived for a very very long time but decided to brave the dating world - well lets be honest, I was more interested in finding a play mate at that point. I somehow discovered a tall dark, handsome guy, athletic who has never been an ounce overweight in his life.... So, i told him all about how horrible it was... you know... it was like I couldn't stand the idea of him being aghast at my appearance in an intimate moment so i had to make sure he knew it was really bad in advance. So, besides warning him to the hilt, I was ready when it was time to be intimate - I had these stockings (to hide the thigh skin), a strategic sexy intimate clothing (to hide the belly skin) - figured there was nothing I could do about the arms..

So, as the passion gets going he disrobes me with an alarming speed and I felt like all my hiding was just GONE. I felt more nekkid than I had ever felt in my whole life... Then he said - "I can't believe you made such a big deal out of all this - you are a hot woman!" You can imagine why that friendship lasted awhile and I learned alot from it. :)

Love aside, it seems like once a man decides you are attractive, they tend to see the details that support that vision, rather than the details that detract from it. It is quite opposite from the way women think/see things. I have tried repeatedly to convince my skinny minny galpals that there minor imperfections are only visible to themselves and certainly NOT to a man who is a attracted to them. I am not trying to discount your concerns, but I had a personal experience that helped change my world view.

So, while i was still seeing this lover, I had plastics. He was against it, didnt think I needed it etc etc - but once i did it.. he was really into the results. So, post plastics you have the whole scar issue. They didn't bother him and they didn't bother me either but I recognized that they could be an issue. When we parted ways he told me - don't mention em, no guy will notice. Dang if he wasn't right - but I do mention them because I am looking for a real relationship and I want to disclose "big stuff". I always make sure I go sleeveless when we first meet so they can see my arm scars (which are super faint) but 100% of the time - my date does not notice those arm scars.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with cowgirljane, as I guy if I'm into a woman I don't care about stuff like that. I'm just ready to get down. lol But being in this situation as a guy is very difficult. Not seeing the hanging skin yet but when I do I am sure it will be a topic of discussion for a future mate. Being big you can see what you are getting into but once you lose all the weight you don't see all the skin and I think for me that will be an issue for women to see.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@CowgirlJane -- I, for one, laughed. The real story is nifty, but by the middle of the second paragraph, I was imagining your first-time with your beau quite differently. I won't tell you, but I think it's worth getting. Amazon lists it: "Passionella and Other Stories," by Jules Feiffer. I'm speaking of the title story, but the others are wonderful, too. The story may be available on line; I haven't looked for it. Sondheim did a musical version which I'm unfamiliar with. Just my opinion that the original is delightful, funny, positive and absolutely relevant to your story, Jane.

On the down side, it's sad to hear stories of people feeling the need to apologize for themselves in advance. I'm in there with you. We expect that the other party will do or say something unbearably humiliating. Or, worse, deep down we think it would be justified and so we need to forewarn to protect the person from us..........Didn't mean to make you sorry that you shared a cute outcome.

@@KindaFamiliar -- I liked yours. Whimsy and common sense in one bundle.

The exchange there made me wonder how many pannus owners would reject others?.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I was quite saggy after losing weight off and on throughout my 20's and the first guy that saw me naked when I was probably at my saggiest didn't say a word about it. We were friends before we dated and we are friends now and my flab-tasticness has never come up. I have since had extensive plastic surgery and the last person I was with started dating me shortly after I had the back part of the 360 body lift. I got lucky and got a huge infection and ended up with a fist size hole in my back which took over 6 months to heal. The entire time we were together my back was bandaged with a giant bandage, and he saw all of my other scars. He never once said anything unkind or even brought them up.

If you're looking for a hook-up, what you look like naked matters. If a guy is looking for an easy score, he doesn't care a whole lot in the moment, but after that yes, if you're not cute naked, it matters. If, however you sincerely get to know someone, what you look like naked won't matter to them. I still sometimes wonder if my ex thought he could do better with a girl who doesn't have scars everywhere, but I know how he treated me and I know the kind of person he is and I recognize that those thoughts are just my own insecurities. When someone loves you, your physical flaws don't matter.

Now....the getting someone to love you when you aren't attractive to them is the part I have always found daunting.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't share any of this at the time...but in hindsight that friendship was one of the best things that could have happened for that stage of my "transformation". He is older and a hottie himself and helped me develop a healthy outlook on the subject. Looking good is awesome but it is just one dimension to our lives.

He also helped me see myself in a more objective less harsh way. I have never gotten negative feedback on my plastics scars but if I did... I would immediately recognize. .."your loss dude" as the right answer. In some odd way I am actually kind of proud of my scars...evidence of transformation...reminder of how far I have come.

I am not perfect but am pleasantly imperfect and appreciate my body, my mind, my personality and feel grateful for what I do have. This man didn't create all that belief system for sure ..but often nudged me in that direction.

So now this is probably getting weird but my dad was mean and said unkind things about my looks to me all the time when I was growing up. I always thought I was hideous looking when I was younger. Words do matter and I think having this man that I kinda "looked up to" replace that meanness with genuine appreciation and compliments helped me change that inner voice.

Yes I am grateful but can also laugh at myself. I can still recall the HORROR when my disguise came off..ha! The expression on my face would have made great WLS comedy scene.

@@CowgirlJane -- I, for one, laughed. The real story is nifty, but by the middle of the second paragraph, I was imagining your first-time with your beau quite differently. I won't tell you, but I think it's worth getting. Amazon lists it: "Passionella and Other Stories," by Jules Feiffer. I'm speaking of the title story, but the others are wonderful, too. The story may be available on line; I haven't looked for it. Sondheim did a musical version which I'm unfamiliar with. Just my opinion that the original is delightful, funny, positive and absolutely relevant to your story, Jane.

On the down side, it's sad to hear stories of people feeling the need to apologize for themselves in advance. I'm in there with you. We expect that the other party will do or say something unbearably humiliating. Or, worse, deep down we think it would be justified and so we need to forewarn to protect the person from us..........Didn't mean to make you sorry that you shared a cute outcome.

@@KindaFamiliar -- I liked yours. Whimsy and common sense in one bundle.

The exchange there made me wonder how many pannus owners would reject others?.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@CowgirlJane --

Every word you wrote just above is...I don't want to sound maudlin, but......delightful and insightful and presents a healthy mind.

. In some odd way I am actually kind of proud of my scars...evidence of transformation...reminder of how far I have come.

You earned them. There are those cultures that practice scarification and tattoosto Celebrate andor commemorate various life achievements.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I agree with all of this. Look, if you are dating a woman after child birth, expect stretch marks. Crap any woman after 40 is going to show signs of gravity. (In fairness look at how far a guys balls are down the side of his thighs). http://www.cc.com/video-clips/ge1zug/stand-up-daniel-tosh--work-of-art

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ha! I just ask that his boobs aren't bigger than mine!

I agree with all of this. Look, if you are dating a woman after child birth, expect stretch marks. Crap any woman after 40 is going to show signs of gravity. (In fairness look at how far a guys balls are down the side of his thighs). http://www.cc.com/video-clips/ge1zug/stand-up-daniel-tosh--work-of-art

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A friend of mine who was sleeved and lost a lot of weight told me that before her body lift, her guy used to play with her extra skin. I thought it was cool he was ok with it, but kind of weird. I now find myself with extra skin...which I play with...and a very good male friend of mine is fascinated by and plays with. My partner seems completely unaware of it. So I think the kind of people it would be an issue for are not the kind of people worth knowing.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Recent Topics

  • Most popular:

  • Recent Status Updates

    • GreenTealael  »  RNY 2ND RODEO

      ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
      🕒🕒🕒Happy Surgery Day & Good Luck🕒🕒🕒
      ⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡⚡
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • ms.sss

      Looks like I need people around to complete a 10K.  I tried to do one by myself this afternoon and I gave up at around the 7km mark.  Gonna try again on Friday, but I may have to look into joining a running club...
      · 1 reply
      1. FluffyChix

        Join a running club!!! Woot!!!

    • d711

      post op 2 months
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • allwet

      My Surgeon asked me a question the other day and i didn't give it a lot of thought at the time.
      He asked "do you tell"
      we were talking about peoples reaction to seeing me since i lost such a large amount of me.
      I answered that i do tell if they ask but that it seems most everyone is afraid to mention it if they haven't seen me in a while or they decided they already know the answer so they don't need the truth from me (we all know those types)
      I have had exactly one family friend come right out and ask me how i lost so much weight this year and i told her i had Gastric Sleeve.
      I am sure family has passed it around to other family (you have that type family don't you? or is it just me)  
      So that left me wondering "do you tell" and i dont mean right at surgery time. more like a year or so down the road do you say how or do you just say cut out the sugar and carbs and WAALAA
      Its a real personal choice to open yourself up to that kind of criticism and we know all about how we took the "Easy" way and yada yada yada.
      hope everyone is having a great week
      · 3 replies
      1. Orchids&Dragons

        If people ask, I am open about it

      2. ms.sss

        I'm about 10 months post op, and my standard answer is I eat way less and exercise way more (oh, and I cut the carbs by a lot). The only people I told were Mr., the Kid, BFF and my Mom.

      3. FluffyChix

        People know cuz my sissies have big mouths. And when skinny peeps ask out of morbid curiousity and they are "related" somehow to me, I look at em and arch my eyebrow and smile like, WTF? Then I just shrug and say, "I can neither confirm nor deny." (I've practiced this in the mirror many times. LOL!)

        But today, I was talking to a lady in my oncologist's office and she said "Oh don't you love you Surgeon X - bariatric surgeon? I'm in her weigh loss program!" And so I really opened up to her and talked frankly about the program and the surgery and details and how I'm so much happier and healthier, etc. So there has to be a real genuine need and desire for comraderie--otherwise, "Bye Felicia..."

    • GreenTealael  »  Lynnem6

      💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
      ⚡⚡HAPPY SURGERY DAY & SAFE JOURNEY⚡⚡
      💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
  • Trending Topics

  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs
    ×