New body brings new partners -- many new partners

[B-52 7,113]

Not saying I condone such behavior, but I do totally get it...and it's not an addiction IMO...

There have been many posts here over the years touching on similar themes....

After loosing all the excess weight, and becoming the attractive person you always dreamed of being.....becoming desirable...

I'm 2 months shy of 64....have a body with next to nothing in body fat, work out every chance I get...my weight loss has done wonders for my self esteem and social outgoing....

Everyday I am working with the public, visiting different hospitals and clinics everyday, and it''s strange....I get hit on quite regularly....even at my age...

And at my age, it's fun just to flirt....I take it as compliments....but I have been married for over 40 years, and a grandfather....so "Entertainment" is as far as it is going to go....

But for someone 1/2 my age...I can certainly understand the temptations....especially if it is happening to you for the first time.....

Perhaps you can do something like take up Marathon Running?

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

3 years 5 days ago I have gastric bypass surgery. 2 years 8 months ago I began cheating on my husband. He still to this day doesn't know that I have been out getting chased by men and being a very bad wife. We have been separated for a little over a year now. I didn't want to have sex with him after the surgery. Something changed in me that made me resent him and lost all attraction for him. He is a really good looking man and has all of the right anatomy. He loved me as a large woman and I became small very fast and he didn't change with me. I found that men were becoming more and more attentive and I was enjoying all of it. Once I broke the ice and cheated the first time it was all over for me. I wanted more and more and it was easy. I am in a relationship with another man and still cannot stay with one person. I am not sure how to stop this cycle and stop wanting more then one person at a time. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel no regret and I am really good at keeping it a secret. Any suggestions on what I should do? Do I keep on this path of being unfaithful or do I have to figure out a way to be committed to one person? It's very hard for me as I really enjoy having more "options"

I read your OP as being full of contradictory words and messages (see red font above).

It reads like you don't know what you want or what you think is best for you.

Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Whether you and I would behave the same (or differently) doesn't really matter.

BTW, if alcohol or drugs are involved in your sexual encounters with new people, you are flirting with major health risks. I sincerely hope that's not the case.

For all these reasons, I think you would benefit greatly from finding and working with a good therapist.

I know it took courage for you to post this. I wish you the very best.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

I'm 2 months shy of 64........I get hit on quite regularly....even at my age...

And at my age, it's fun just to flirt....I take it as compliments....but I have been married for over 40 years, and a grandfather....so "Entertainment" is as far as it is going to go....

There's much to be said for men of 63 and 64 and 65 and.....

The friendly flirting is fab. It gives a lift and a laugh and it's one of the things that tells us we're alive.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

We always jump to addiction transference, and maybe it is - what the heck do I know?

However, i have been in the dating pool and have had many conversations with men over email, coffee dates and a couple of guys became friends with. Heck, even found a couple of "relationship potentials" so I have heard alot of feedback about OTHER WOMEN in this process. I know that is weird, but guys can't seem to shut up about the topic. Anyhoo... turns out lots of people who are older/divorced very promisciously. It seems like the majority and I can assure you these are not people who had massive weight loss in their background.

It was a shocker to me - one of the first men I went on a second date with revealed some issues he had related to having had something like 50-75 sex partners since becoming single. hello?? what? It put the fear in me and I learned that "protection" simply reduces risk and does not eliminate it.

So, you get these well groomed, well educated, well spoken good jobs - don't seem like the type to be "high risk" but they are. I am unclear why having a drink with a sexual partner creates more risk because it is not like you can tell how many partners they have had by looking at them - beer googles or not.

Having said all that, i do the OP needs to examine what she really wants from life, and how sexuality either supports it or not. (Franky, most of us need to do that about various aspects of our lives) i think cheating/lying is terrible and there are so many choices to have "sexual freedom" without cheating, that it is completely avoidable.

I cannot guess when this behavior is an addiction or an addiction transference but i can tell you there are a heck of a lot of people who are way promiscious in their middle years. I am not making a moral judgement, rather a risk assessment. I chose to vaccinate myself against HPV, even though that is not approved for people my age. The one I am most scared of, and nobody even thinks is an STD is Hep C. Get that, and no drinking alcohol EVER and it can be a serious health problem if not fully managed - I don't want liver damage!

Anyway, I have kind of gone off course here, just making the point that not everything is a replacement for food and alot of people seem to go a little crazy once they become single, or go through a separation or whatever. I will admit I was saved from this fate of "too many" partners largely for 2 reasons - #1 the scare story from the man I mention above put the fear of good looking/safe looking strangers in me; and #2 finding a long term lover who was monogamous with me even though we weren't in a real boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. That odd situation was actually incredibly helpful to me - he is older and actually gave me alot of good counsel about approaching things in life, built my self confidence and helped me see my value on alot of dimensions, and when i had a lot of inner turmoil, was a bit of a safe harbor. But of course, that fits my natural desire anyway - to have a single partner so wouldn't necessarily be a good thing for others. I came from a lifetime of just 2 committed, all consuming relationships (both decades long) so it was a learning process to be in a much less serious relationship and helped me grow internally too.

All my irritation with dating has been trying to find that next serious relationship....and I am quite sure I have been looking in the wrong places but that is another topic entirely!

[Done with this 9]

I do not drink or do any drugs. I do not feel that this is an addiction. I have to clarify that when I say multiple partners I am talking 2 not 10. I really appreciate your feedback and it helps to know that people care enough to answer my question. When I say that my husband didn't change with me it was that he didn't get excited or support the way that I was changing. He didn't give me any attention and I didn't feel beautiful around him. If anything he made me feel that I wasn't attractive to him anymore because I was a different person on the outside. We went to therapy and tried to make it work.

3 years 5 days ago I have gastric bypass surgery. 2 years 8 months ago I began cheating on my husband. He still to this day doesn't know that I have been out getting chased by men and being a very bad wife. We have been separated for a little over a year now. I didn't want to have sex with him after the surgery. Something changed in me that made me resent him and lost all attraction for him. He is a really good looking man and has all of the right anatomy. He loved me as a large woman and I became small very fast and he didn't change with me. I found that men were becoming more and more attentive and I was enjoying all of it. Once I broke the ice and cheated the first time it was all over for me. I wanted more and more and it was easy. I am in a relationship with another man and still cannot stay with one person. I am not sure how to stop this cycle and stop wanting more then one person at a time. I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel no regret and I am really good at keeping it a secret. Any suggestions on what I should do? Do I keep on this path of being unfaithful or do I have to figure out a way to be committed to one person? It's very hard for me as I really enjoy having more "options"

I read your OP as being full of contradictory words and messages (see red font above).

It reads like you don't know what you want or what you think is best for you.

Only you can answer these questions for yourself. Whether you and I would behave the same (or differently) doesn't really matter.

BTW, if alcohol or drugs are involved in your sexual encounters with new people, you are flirting with major health risks. I sincerely hope that's not the case.

For all these reasons, I think you would benefit greatly from finding and working with a good therapist.

I know it took courage for you to post this. I wish you the very best.

[BigViffer 3,544]

If you were a guy, I'd say you were a cad.

If you were a guy, I'd say you were the type that gives the rest of us a bad name.

If you were a guy, I'd say that you are using your newfound sexual appeal the same way that a young boy wields a new toy sword. Recklessly and careless of the possible pain you can inflict upon the people you are playing with.

If you were a guy, I'd think you were the type that has low self esteem and is seeking some, hell... any sort of validation of their self worth. Unfortunately you are only getting it in the form of physical intimacy.

If you were a guy, I'd tell you to man up. Deceiving a spouse in this way is detestable. Let them go and try to find a partner that is worthy of their time.

If you were a guy, I'd tell you that they way you are behaving is contemptible as well as totally reprehensible.

But you're not a guy; you're a woman. So I won't say any of those things to you.

You say you don't want to hurt anyone, then go on to say that you feel no regret. You aren't coming here for advice, you are coming here for permission. Most likely because if you were to tell any real friends, they would find the situation as repugnant as I do.

Edited November 4, 2015 by BigViffer

[IncredibleShrinkingMan 437]

The OP came here asking for honest, non-judgmental help, and even though it is easy to form an opinion, I think we owe a response that is something a propos. That said, I don't think these are questions and but the OP can answer for herself.

To the OP, I applaud the courage you had to solicit this advice on a public forum. I believe a well-trained professional can help you sort this out.

[newmebithebypass 713]

Honestly op maybe seek therapy. There's nothing wrong with consensual non monogamous relationships but you have to be honest with all your partners otherwise you give the rest of us a bad name

[maggie409 765]

I haven't read all of the comments but I just want to say that nothing in this world can devastate a person like someone cheating on them. The pain and heartache you are causing to your husband who has stood beside you is something you couldn't possibly comprehend. At least not yet. I believe in karma and the law of attraction. You will get back what you give out. If you hurt you will be hurt. The fact that you posted this on a public forum with your picture after saying he doesn't know you have cheated does indicate that you don't care if he knows. Be careful. You may not realize it but you are being used by all these other men just like you are using them. I say stop cheating. You are married. Get divorced and then play the field all you want. But don't mislead people. You know what they say.... Karma's a bitch, especially when you're being one.

[WLSResources/ClothingExch 3,443]

@ -- Referring to the top portion of message #20 (the whole thing seems to have been messed up due to editing). That's an important piece of the history you omitted earlier.

It's not unknown for partners, male and female, to feel threatened when the other person loses so much weight. They're afraid they'll be left behind when they think that the partner suddenly has the pick of the litter. It's major insecurity. Did he say as much in the therapy sessions? If so, was it significant to you? How many therapy sessions over what period of time?

For my part, those are rhetorical questions, the answers to which might benefit you.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I haven't read all of the comments but I just want to say that nothing in this world can devastate a person like someone cheating on them. The pain and heartache you are causing to your husband who has stood beside you is something you couldn't possibly comprehend. At least not yet. I believe in karma and the law of attraction. You will get back what you give out. If you hurt you will be hurt. The fact that you posted this on a public forum with your picture after saying he doesn't know you have cheated does indicate that you don't care if he knows. Be careful. You may not realize it but you are being used by all these other men just like you are using them. I say stop cheating. You are married. Get divorced and then play the field all you want. But don't mislead people. You know what they say.... Karma's a b***h, especially when you're being one.

If you'd actually read this whole thread you might have posted a different message.

Or maybe not.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

@ - Yep, very real temptation. My January through May was filled with many romps. However none were in the context of a committed relationship. But soon you will be facing the prospects of many PAP smears, HPV will raise its ugly head and you should be looking into getting the vaccine for the worst types.

And at some point you should get some time away and figure out what you want. Really. Long term. There is a limit to how long promiscuity will make you feel alive. It is almost like heroin, nicotine and cocaine...at some point the thrill diminishes and you start an icky slide looking to get the thrill you used to have.

I'm not judging, I'm just kind of a voice of warning. If this becomes less and less of a thrill, and yet you are still looking for the next big fix, time to step back and reassess. You may already be at that point. I'm not a 12 step person who thinks abstinence is the only answer to any addiction, I'm more of a aware moderation person. Minimize harm. There are groups of "polys" (polygamous couples) out in the world. They realize that they won't be satisfied with one person forever. But they keep it safe by keeping their roving to known people in their extended family.

Google it. You might find a group you can settle down with.

[Elode 8,093]

Nope! Not even good advice. You'll learn

[Elode 8,093]

Rarely have I ever done this but after thinking about it I have 0 advice to give.......like I never saw this at all....

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I think you should ask your husband for a divorce and set him free. He deserves so much more than you are willing to give him and less than what you might give him accidentally.

Please note. I am *NOT* judging you. You deserve happiness and if that means getting jiggy with 2 people or 200 people, have at it. Just remember, while you are married to him legally, you are being unfair to him in your Quest for whatever it is you are looking for.