How are you treated by people pre-surgery versus post-surgery?

[james1 34]

I've been stalking the forum for a few months and I am on insurance 6 month wait for my sleeve. This is my 1st topic post. The 6 month wait, while initially frustrating, has given me opportunity to read, soul search, and really observe things in regards to my weight and how people treat me. I weigh about 303 pounds and my 6 month wait is up next month.

I have a close family member that had the sleeve, and lost a lot of weight, and had commented that people treat her better. Strangers, co-workers, other family. I believe it because I have seen it (old friends that see her slim and gush over her change), job opportunity opened up for her, and her confidence is certainly up.

Ironically, in the 6 month wait, I think I have detected a pattern of people treating me worse over my weight (my speculation/insecurity)? Comments here and there. Ideas shot down or dismissed. A job interview a year ago where I noticed literally EVERYONE in the office was thin and fit, and feeling the whole interview was 'going through the motions' from 1st handshake, and not realizing the connection until recently.

I am a pretty well educated person, director level job at a large company, etc. I recently was passed over for a great promotion to a national role, and the person who got the role had less relevant education, less experience, but....withen the last year had lost a ton of weight and was doing 1/2 Iron man triatholons (again my speculation / insecurity?). The VP literally told me he felt it was a coin toss between us.

So, people who have crossed the 'finish line', how do people treat you now that you have dropped the weight? I was wondering if you could elaborate on if its work, family, strangers, coworkers, boss, and if the people know how you lost it.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I'm definitely treated better since I'm thin. And this coming from someone who was very successful as a hard-working fat person -- but as an exhausted hard-working fat person who was also in pain a lot of the time.

It's a two-way street -- not just what others are doing differently. Now I'm more comfortable in my own skin, more confident, not in pain, not exhausted. I can now stand and walk comfortably, travel with ease, dress more stylishly and definitely look better in my clothes, and I have so much more energy than before. I'm also more relaxed and less irritable than when I was obese.

I think the downside of being obese in a high-pressure business setting is HUGE! (No pun intended.) The stress of these kinds of jobs is already terrible. Add a hundred or more extra pounds to that stress and the medical and physical and psychological issues that accompany the weight and it's a no-brainer for me that obese people labor under tremendous career and workplace disadvantages.

EDIT: And no, I didn't tell anyone I was having WLS. Since I'm a lifelong yo-yo dieter, everyone assumes I finally got it right.

[lauraellen80 855]

I'm not at goal yet, but I feel like I've been noticing that random people on the street, in stores, etc. look at me differently... in that they actually LOOK at me, instead of only vaguely acknowledging my existence. However, I do have to wonder if it's partly that I'm less closed off and more engaged in the world.

[1SlimmerMe 122]

Peope treat you differrently because you are a totally different person. You have more energy, confidence, and higher self esteem. I attribute most of the changes to that. I am now more engaged and my appearance is more in line with the rest of the professional world, because I can dress more nicely and look and feel better in my clothes and my skin. I've lost 100 pounds from my heaviest weight and the biggest change has been within myself. There will be those that whisper or talk about you, but that's part of the journey. Enjoy! Work hard! And Succed! The world needs you at your BEST!!!

Edited October 26, 2015 by 1SlimmerMe

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Big big change. It freaked me out a little when I discovered I was no longer invisible.

Flip side,I also act differently. I would have said I am educated,successful and self confident pre weight loss but let's just say that in hindsight there was denial.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I'm a Walking Dead fan, so this might only make sense to fellow fans.

But you know how sometimes the live people will cover themselves in guts from the Walkers to disguise their smell? So they can walk amongst them undetected?

I'm only three months in but my weight loss so far is pretty noticeable. And sometimes I feel that way. That I'm only disguised as a thin person, secretly walking amongst them, but I'm still a fat person really, with just the guts of a thin person keeping me from being outed.

I still have feet planted firmly in both worlds right now. But it's enough that I no longer get the unsolicited hostile stares. That the contents of my grocery cart isn't being openly judged. That people look me directly in the eyes, and give me compliments. I don't attract anywhere near the amount of negative attention I did at 248 pounds. I'm 173 now, so I'm still fat, but I guess it's an acceptable fat now. It's sad and at times surreal that so much emphasis is placed on the outside package. But there's no question that I've definitely been experiencing a major difference.

[lauraellen80 855]

I'm a Walking Dead fan, so this might only make sense to fellow fans.

But you know how sometimes the live people will cover themselves in guts from the Walkers to disguise their smell? So they can walk amongst them undetected?

I'm only three months in but my weight loss so far is pretty noticeable. And sometimes I feel that way. That I'm only disguised as a thin person, secretly walking amongst them, but I'm still a fat person really, with just the guts of a thin person keeping me from being outed.

Hahaha! That's a great analogy! Though I will say that it's much more pleasant to walk around thinner rather than covered in stinky walker viscera...

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

And don't be surprised if that feeling of being a fraud takes awhile to overcome. don't be surprised if it gets more intense as you get slimmer.

I recently discovered that I completely self identify with my trimmer/fitter body but it took years! I was hit pretty hard emotionally by some physical issues that led to me losing some fitness (no more toned looking muscles). I haven't regained a bunch of weight, but just losing my athletic feeling has been a little hard on me so I think that emotional attachment to how we see ourselves is pretty powerful.

[Babbs 14,681]

Oh yes, I notice i'm being treated differently. I sometimes wonder if it's because I'm more normal size, or because I just carry and present myself differently now.

I was always a confident person, but now I feel more comfortable in my body, and I think people respond to that in a positive way. I feel my clients respond more positively to me, and that may be just what I'm projecting, also. Kind of a catch 22.

Definitely more attention from the opposite sex. Even for an old broad Luckily my husband is not the jealous type. He knows I'm his one and only, and have been for the past 28 years.

[Healthy_life2 8,330]

@@james1

As an obese person I was disregarded, disrespected and invisible.

Work: things had come to a dead end.I was a different person than I am now. People that did not give me the time of day. All the sudden wanted to be friends.(Not going to happen). I changed careers. The people I work with now have no idea I was obese. What I love best is I will run into my old co workers and boss once in a while. They have no clue it's me. I don't want them to know that it is me. Keeping it to myself is a guilty pleasure of mine.

Family: Mostly supportive. I have one family member who treated me terribly before my weight loss. Loosing the weight just amplified her behavior toward me. one of her comments was "you know you are just going to gain the weight back" I placed her picture on my treadmill at the beginning of my WLS. Anger can be a motivator. i take delight that i can continue to be successful just to piss her off.

People that know I lost it: Mostly supportive. One person in my life that has weight issues. All the sudden has felt uncomfortable with me. She is getting more distant. I miss her.

Strangers: All the above that has been mentioned.

a few negatives:

the attention was a bit unnerving. Took me a while to adjust. i now just say thanks and move on.

Other women. Never thought this would happen to me in my life. Women do not like it when I talk to their boyfriend or spouse. I am never inappropriate with men. I was truly offended. I have nothing but respect for peoples marriage. I am not a home wrecker. I am a bit guarded now.

a few positives.

Men correct me if I'm wrong. You are the same creatures from the age of 12 to 70.Here is my scale of comments or behavior.

(1) appropriate ..I take as a compliment.

(2) hilarious. Makes for a great story. Men do you know how entertaining you can be. Love it.

(3) creepy...Need I say more.

Got to share my hilarious example: Free grocery's. Do men real do this? who knew....This has happened twice to me at the grocery store. The first one I politely declined. The second would not take no for an answer. I returned home. My husband said. Damn next time do not buy just for dinner get a full cart of food.

People new at my gym do not know I was obese. A few people have floored me. Said I was motivating them. or my fitness level is off the chart. Again things i never thought would happen in my life.

[Bufflehead 6,358]

Yes, people treat you differently (better) and no it isn't just because you feel more confident, positive, outgoing, etc. There are studies that show that given the chance, people will discriminate against fat people based on nothing more than photographs of fat people vs. slim people. For example, shown resumes that include a picture of a slim applicant will get "hired" far more often than resumes that include pictures of a fat applicant, even when everything else is identical. Similarly, college applications that include a picture of a slim applicant will be "granted admission" as against the same application accompanied by a picture of a fat applicant. Obviously, the photograph isn't somehow radiating a level of confidence or energy or anything like that. It's just a picture. So yes, fat people are discriminated against and treated worse. The idea that somehow we bring this on ourselves by acting badly etc. is just victim-blaming and self-shaming IMO.

This kind of discrimination is very common. I'm ashamed to say I've even noticed it in myself -- I've had applicants for open positions and found myself hesitant about hiring someone morbidly obese. I'm really trying to do better. This bias is MY fault, it is NOT the fault of the obese applicant for somehow causing me to be biased.

[Essence46 493]

Unfortunately, people treat me a lot differently. I am treated much better now. It's a sad reality for me.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I'm a Walking Dead fan, so this might only make sense to fellow fans.

But you know how sometimes the live people will cover themselves in guts from the Walkers to disguise their smell? So they can walk amongst them undetected?

I'm only three months in but my weight loss so far is pretty noticeable. And sometimes I feel that way. That I'm only disguised as a thin person, secretly walking amongst them, but I'm still a fat person really, with just the guts of a thin person keeping me from being outed.

Hahaha! That's a great analogy! Though I will say that it's much more pleasant to walk around thinner rather than covered in stinky walker viscera...

Too true! Too true! ????

[AvaFern 3,516]

I am treated differently, and like the others have said, I think at least part of this is because I also carry myself differently and expect to be treated differently.

I was successful when I was fat, however most people didn't know that, and I am still successful now that I am thin, however my business largely involves sitting behind a computer where most people never meet me in person. I used to work in the white collar world and I consistently noticed that thin, attractive women were almost always promoted over women who were just as effective in their job yet overweight. I'm not sure if this is confidence or perception, but it is a reality.

I recently began working on a new business that does involve a lot of face time with people and my boyfriend this summer said, "you'll be great- everyone will want to work with you because you're little and cute". I wasn't sure whether or not to be insulted, but I don't tend to think he's wrong. I also think at least part of the issue is attitude. I see a lot of larger women really working hard to get people to like them, to be funny, to be witty, to be sophisticated and friendly and essentially massively over compensating. I have never been friendly. I am aloof, I am professional, and I get crap done, and when I am overweight, this is called a "bad attitude" and when I am thin, it tends to draw people to me.

I don't think it's fair that size matters in the professional world, but I do think that it does, even if admittedly part of that is related to our own perception of ourselves.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I see a lot of larger women really working hard to get people to like them, to be funny, to be witty, to be sophisticated and friendly and essentially massively over compensating.

I see many examples of this myself.

In fact, I think that "growing up fat" required I develop significant compensating behaviors and skills to overcome the downside of being fat.

This is a big subject. The topic would benefit from its own thread.