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@@AvaFern I don't mind being complimented at all. I think it is generally flattering, generally intended to be kind/positive. However, there are a few asses who really don't know how to behave properly. As I said before, a gentleman pays the compliment, lets you know he is attracted/interested and then actually treats me like a human being. The dude who said to me, feedback from a normal picture, nothing risque, and I quote: "your body looks like a fun playground" - seriously? who says that kind of thing to basically a stranger that you are interested in dating?

So, while we may overreact, there are also people who have no taste or manners.

Flip side, it realy is a head trip to adjust to this. I know that I have have gone through some "weird emotions" on the topic.

Time has helped alot and the number one perspective I have is that looks really don't matter that much. It gets you the first date, but doesn't necessarily get you a quality relationship.

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@CowgirlJane I agree with you that there are people who are very tasteless and while the playground comment made me laugh on here I would have been completely turned off in person. The big "compliment" I tend to get from idiots is something about my boobs, either along the lines of them being really nice or questioning whether they are real. This is an instant disqualifier for me.

I have also found that guys have read that stupid book about Mystery the Player and one of the suggestions is that when you're intimidated by a beautiful woman, you give her a compliment that comes off almost as an insult. Apparently women are so surprised that someone might insult them that they pay attention to the guy who gives them a little bit of an insult. As an example "Your hair is beautiful, is that your natural color?" or "Your eyes are beautiiful, are you wearing colored contacts?" or stupid things like that where silly women feel the need to explain away the insult and then a few minutes later find themselves talking to a guy who read a book about how to pick up women by playing on their insecurities. I very much enjoy the boys who try this tactic, at which point I say....oh so you read Mystery's book too? So did I. Go get your own game. Then I walk away and they are left feeling even more insecure than they already were before they started the conversation.

I enjoy crushing their soul when they try that crap. Yes, I'm evil, and I'm ok with it. :)

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This made me laugh out loud. I've never had to worry in my whole like about superficial men because well, I just wasn't the physical type they are looking for. And to have to worry about it now is definitely an awakening!

I think I know what signs to look for and I don't think they are THAT common. But they are out there.

@@Inner Surfer Girl -- Thanks for the wonderful incident. There was a Twilight Zone episode about mannequins coming to life after hours. With a little rewriting, it could have incorporated the matchmaker's client......There's something a little icky about taking a man who is in the market for a wife to a mall as though he literally was shopping for one.

@@bellabloom -- Why worry about superficial men? Isn't the idea to weed them out? They're easy to spot; they show their cards very early. You've already described it in your recent dates. I can't say that you're one of them, as I don't know you, but too many women are willing to shut their eyes and give men a pass on things they'd never tolerate in friendships with men or women. Most of those women know in their bones what they're doing and work hard to block it out. Sad. Certain qualities in the people we choose should be non-negotiable. That's how we're able to hold our own heads high.

End of lecture.

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I'm am an extremely confident woman who knows what she is looking for...

I am one of the kindest, warmest, and most positive people I know. If you knew me in person, you would know that. I'm a loyal friend and wonderful mother. People open up to me because of my gentle and welcoming nature. I'm a very sweet and accepting person. I truly care about people and their feelings...

I'm extremely down to earth, my favorite thing to make fun of is myself, I am a dorky and friendly gal that people generally really like, and I love being me...

And modest. Don't forget modest.

So, this is a tangent and I apologize for that. But that line - while I'm sure it was just intended to be a joke - kind of hits that chord where women aren't allowed to be self confident - then they're egotistical. I don't like that. As an aunt to a terrific girl I want her to know those things about herself every minute of every day and to be able to say "Hey! I'm a good, kind, funny, nice person and it's not okay for you to talk to me that way!" and mean it when people are being less than kind to her and I want that for Bellabloom, myself, and every other person on this site. There is a difference between knowing what your strengths are and being happy and comfortable with them (you know, actually LIKING yourself as a person) and being egotistical. There's also a difference between standing up for yourself and being egotistical.

Edited by rosepose

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I'm not on the dating scene but personally, I prefer people to show their ass at the beginning of any relationship. It tells me exactly how much of myself -- if any -- I am willing to invest.

I do think sweeping generalizations towards men (or women) are very unfair. I've met plenty of couples where one partner or the other married "way up" or "way down" on a physical level. I've met plenty of couple who are comprised of two very shallow people and/or two very emotionally intense people. Some people find true love at a very early age, some at a very late age. I do believe there is someone for everyone, but that one person is VERY elusive when one is not quite sure who they really are yet, especially when they are newly out of a relationship.

I've been married for a little over 20 years. My relationship with my husband has definitely changed since my weight loss surgery. I am busier, I want to do different things, and I spend a lot more money (HA!). My interests haven't changed, but my willingness to be a lot more adventurous has defined our free time differently. He's still in our old routine at times, while I want to explore new things. Fortunately, he is willing to come along for the ride, but if he wasn't, I can see how that would change the dynamics of a relationship for the good OR bad.

It's an interesting thing, this journey we've embarked on...

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Let's face it, folks. It's just fuckin' weird to

Very interesting dialogue in this thread. Thanks to all. Makes me think I have some issues with "skinny" I haven't begun to examine. Hmmm.

Let's face it, folks. It's just fuckin' weird to lose this much weight in such a short period of time after (for most of us) a lifetime of obesity. And we're undergoing this enormous physical and psychological transformation in an era when people of all ages are obsessed with physical appearance.

WLS in the selfie era -- it definitely has some challenges.

Right on! (I sound like a child of the 70's, don't I?) I have to admit, I went into this thread reading one thing, and came out understanding another.

That's why I love these forums. Well, it's kind of a love/hate. LOL.

You're all so correct. After my note above re Inner Surfer Girl and Bella Bloom's notes, I read what's been entered since my last drop-in. Lots of interesting, valuable messages.

@@AvaFern Your comments on Mystery the Player (glad to say I've never heard of it) recalls something I saw in a men's magazine many years ago. It may have been Esquire or GQ. The advice was intended in a positive vein to give a woman what her soul might need at the moment: Also to make a positive rather than crass, bad-boy (â la Mystery Player) impression: Compliment a beautiful woman on her intelligence; compliment an intelligent woman on her beauty.

@@Babbs Did you really say "fuckin' weird?" This is so exciting. We can really say what we mean? I signed up at SparkPeople when I had surgery and still take part. What irks me is that the tech system has an autocensor. When I try to use certain mild words I'm stopped. It's a pain in the ass (which I think is one of the censored words). Omitting the words waters down the meaning and impact.

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@@WLSResources/ClothingExch

Nope, wasn't me. I was trying to quote the incomparable @VSGAnn2014.

She has a much better way with words than I do ;)

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Did you really say "fuckin' weird?" This is so exciting. We can really say what we mean? I signed up at SparkPeople when I had surgery and still take part. What irks me is that the tech system has an autocensor. When I try to use certain mild words I'm stopped. It's a pain in the ass (which I think is one of the censored words). Omitting the words waters down the meaning and impact.

Hold up! You scolded/threatened someone for using the phrase duck face and were offended by the word urinal, yet you are also disturbed by autocensors?

Things are getting weird around here. :D

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@bellabloom I just reread your line about these dates being intrigued and mesmerized by your thinness. The choice of words brings up something else in light of some of the posts.

It's all in the style. One of the women (sorry, I can't recall who right now) wrote about a boyfriend laughing and throwing her over his shoulder. That's playful and cute. Sitting across a restaurant table from someone who's staring dumbly and drooling as though you're the dessert special? Not cute. Not from a stranger. Cheesy. There are ways that a new man can talk about your slimness that work, but not if you have to take his napkin to wipe the spittle from his chin.

That's the cut-off point. Flatter me, flirt with me, but don't make a mess until I tell you it's alright to be messy.

Edited by WLSResources/ClothingExch

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They actually write books giving advice to insult someone? Good heavens.

@CowgirlJane I agree with you that there are people who are very tasteless and while the playground comment made me laugh on here I would have been completely turned off in person. The big "compliment" I tend to get from idiots is something about my boobs, either along the lines of them being really nice or questioning whether they are real. This is an instant disqualifier for me.

I have also found that guys have read that stupid book about Mystery the Player and one of the suggestions is that when you're intimidated by a beautiful woman, you give her a compliment that comes off almost as an insult. Apparently women are so surprised that someone might insult them that they pay attention to the guy who gives them a little bit of an insult. As an example "Your hair is beautiful, is that your natural color?" or "Your eyes are beautiiful, are you wearing colored contacts?" or stupid things like that where silly women feel the need to explain away the insult and then a few minutes later find themselves talking to a guy who read a book about how to pick up women by playing on their insecurities. I very much enjoy the boys who try this tactic, at which point I say....oh so you read Mystery's book too? So did I. Go get your own game. Then I walk away and they are left feeling even more insecure than they already were before they started the conversation.

I enjoy crushing their soul when they try that crap. Yes, I'm evil, and I'm ok with it. :)

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Very interesting dialogue in this thread. Thanks to all. Makes me think I have some issues with "skinny" I haven't begun to examine. Hmmm.

Let's face it, folks. It's just fuckin' weird to lose this much weight in such a short period of time after (for most of us) a lifetime of obesity. And we're undergoing this enormous physical and psychological transformation in an era when people of all ages are obsessed with physical appearance.

WLS in the selfie era -- it definitely has some challenges.

Right on! (I sound like a child of the 70's, don't I?) I have to admit, I went into this thread reading one thing, and came out understanding another.

That's why I love these forums. Well, it's kind of a love/hate. LOL.

Agree 100% on both posts

This has been an interesting thread.

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I'm am an extremely confident woman who knows what she is looking for...

I am one of the kindest, warmest, and most positive people I know. If you knew me in person, you would know that. I'm a loyal friend and wonderful mother. People open up to me because of my gentle and welcoming nature. I'm a very sweet and accepting person. I truly care about people and their feelings...

I'm extremely down to earth, my favorite thing to make fun of is myself, I am a dorky and friendly gal that people generally really like, and I love being me...

And modest. Don't forget modest.

So, this is a tangent and I apologize for that. But that line - while I'm sure it was just intended to be a joke - kind of hits that chord where women aren't allowed to be self confident - then they're egotistical. I don't like that. As an aunt to a terrific girl I want her to know those things about herself every minute of every day and to be able to say "Hey! I'm a good, kind, funny, nice person and it's not okay for you to talk to me that way!" and mean it when people are being less than kind to her and I want that for Bellabloom, myself, and every other person on this site. There is a difference between knowing what your strengths are and being happy and comfortable with them (you know, actually LIKING yourself as a person) and being egotistical. There's also a difference between standing up for yourself and being egotistical.

Yes!!! Thank you!!!

Ridiculous to be criticized for having self confidence. What am I supposed to do, walk around with my head down all day and out my self down!?? Someone calls me pretty or smart and I'm supposed to say "oh no, no I'm not!"

That's so screwed up. I have a daughter I hope she grows up to hold her head high, know her strengths, know her value, and be confident enough to admit to her flaws. We are what we believe ourselves to be

In life we have to be our own best friend.

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Hold up! You scolded/threatened someone for using the phrase duck face and were offended by the word urinal, yet you are also disturbed by autocensors?

Things are getting weird around here. :D

Whoa, I've already gone over the duckface thing twice. It's a dead duck and you know it, lady. Beside, I never scolded, i simply requested shelter from it when I thought it might mean something degrading and hateful like. You probably thought I had another word tucked way up my sleeve, though it, in reality, has no bearing on sleeves. Here's a clue: D.H. Lawrence. I'll have you know that I long ago reclaimed the beautiful word, which somehow had been co-opted as a curse some time much earlier. I would say it here, but because of it's having been corrupted by the lower echelons, I know that some people would keel over.

Urinal, for the last time, is merely unaesthetic on two fronts.

They actually write books giving advice to insult someone? Good heavens.

. :)

Perhaps it's a dying art? Rickles has little time remaining.

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RIGHT? I don't know where that attitude that women (and probably men too?) shouldn't think well of themselves comes from in society but it's toxic! If all you ever say/feel is "I'm so ugly/fat/stupid/unacceptable in some way or another" how is your daughter every going to see how to believe in herself? How is she going to know how to stand up for herself if she has never seen it done? How will she know that it's okay to like herself if the most important woman in her life (her mom) doesn't like herself. I say be the woman you want the little girls in your life to have permission to be. Someone strong and deserving of health and love and kindness. Deserving of someone who likes her as a person. Not some douche who cares more about the size of his daughter's thighs than if she's doing something she loves, is thriving as a person, and has friends who are good people.

And frankly I have met those guys - hell I'm related to some of them as well as their female counterparts. My grandmother told my mom and her sister that the prettiest between the two of them was the one who was thinnest at the time. I know one woman who told her daughter she'd stop buying her clothes for her if she gained weight - and then did. It's disgusting. And I don't think you were being oversensitive about it. I have to say that online dating is probably no way to meet someone you actually get along with (just based on my experience) because it's ridiculously artificial. I think going and doing things that you enjoy may be the way to go. I know there are some alternatives to online dating that basically just organize outings and you go and join things that sound fun and meet people that also think it sounds fun. It's something I am working my nerve up for. I've been sick and that sounds like far more effort than I want to think about right now. lol!

Yes!!! Thank you!!!

Ridiculous to be criticized for having self confidence. What am I supposed to do, walk around with my head down all day and out my self down!?? Someone calls me pretty or smart and I'm supposed to say "oh no, no I'm not!"

That's so screwed up. I have a daughter I hope she grows up to hold her head high, know her strengths, know her value, and be confident enough to admit to her flaws. We are what we believe ourselves to be

In life we have to be our own best friend.

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Another tangent, but I just saw this article and thought it was interesting. It's targeted at men but think it applies equally to men and women.

How to Keep Her

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/10/how-to-keep-her/

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