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@@bellabloom there are some men who prefer that but to be rude about it on your dates and obsessive is wrong. Both men and women have their preferences but we shouldn't knock anyone we don't find appealing. I think others are being kinda harsh with you, we are all going through a transformation and some better than others. I think you look great and don't let anyone make you feel bad for you feeling good about yourself.

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Thank you Anne for your thoughtful post. I can tell that you care and I thank you for reading all my posts the way you have been.

There is no doubt I have been through a hell of a lot this year. My divorce, followed by surgery, from which I almost died and then 3 further surgeries and four months in the hospital. A stricture for 6 months, puking five or more times a day for months, blood transfusions, pic lines, finally settling down and now horrible dumping syndrome. I fell in love with a man who hid his addiction from me and then had to walk away and be heartbroken. I'm a single mom and struggling with my business after being out of work five months. Im also recovering from an eating disorder and trying to keep it that way which is a daily challenge for me as I navigate weightloss and maintainence. I'm lonely and miss having a partner to go through things with.

It's been a tough year. This forum has given me a ton of support and I am thankful for that.

Your post made me cry in a good way. Sometimes I forget how much has happened.

Having this new body and how I relate to men now is just something I'm going to have to take as a series of lessons. With the right guy it won't even be an issue because I'll be upfront about my surgery from early on.

Edited by bellabloom

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I, for one, am lovely. And brilliant. As, I'm sure, are all of you.

Not me. I'm one ugly mofo. But I am pretty damn charming.

Sent from my phone, please forgive brevity and misspelling

Ugliness is as ugliness does.

@@bellabloom there are some men who prefer that but to be rude about it on your dates and obsessive is wrong. Both men and women have their preferences but we shouldn't knock anyone we don't find appealing. I think others are being kinda harsh with you, we are all going through a transformation and some better than others. I think you look great and don't let anyone make you feel bad for you feeling good about yourself.

Thanks daveo. Your always so sweet in your posts. Edited by bellabloom

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This is a tangent.

I remember many year's ago hearing a matchmaker tell a story about one of her clients.

She said she took him to a local upscale mall. To get an idea of what "type" of woman he found attractive she asked him to point out anyone he saw that he found attractive. It turns out the only "women" he noticed were the mannequins in the department store displays.

Some guys just don't like or know how to deal with real, live human women.

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I'm 2 years out maintaining for a year and 1/2 now. I jumped back into my social life after losing about half my weight. Probably too early in hindsight. ...

... I'm looking for someone who is ACTIVE, because I need that influence in my life, but not someone who's more in love with his pecs\abs\whatever that he will be with me!

Sorry a bit off topic, but I would like your input on why you felt it may have been too early to jump into the dating pool after losing about half of your weight. I am about half way to goal and am standing on the side of the pool wondering when to get in. I am also looking for someone who is active ( I go to the gym on average 5 days per week) and was wondering if I should wait until I get closer to goal weight.

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This is a tangent.

I remember many year's ago hearing a matchmaker tell a story about one of her clients.

She said she took him to a local upscale mall. To get an idea of what "type" of woman he found attractive she asked him to point out anyone he saw that he found attractive. It turns out the only "women" he noticed were the mannequins in the department store displays.

Some guys just don't like or know how to deal with real, live human women.

This made me laugh out loud. I've never had to worry in my whole like about superficial men because well, I just wasn't the physical type they are looking for. And to have to worry about it now is definitely an awakening!

I think I know what signs to look for and I don't think they are THAT common. But they are out there.

Edited by bellabloom

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I kind of think Lipsticklady has a point - we often project something that attracts "something"

I am older than you, but am told I am youthful looking for my age. I am not "skinny" but I am trimmer than most 50 year olds and I have some "shape" to my body so I guess i have experienced something similar.

Here is my view - I have no problem with someone expressing they are attracted to me, they are relieved to find out I actually look like my pictures, and am not overweight. However, that is just one aspect of me and if they don't have anything more interesting to talk about I really don't want to see them again.

In fact, in my experience, a well mannered gentleman will pay a compliment, express his interest and then move on to treating you as though you were an actual human.

I happen to be attracted to a certain physical type myself but when I was dating I surely didn't limit my self to them because guess what - alot of the tall, dark, handsome, athletic, outdoorsy type guys are asshats towards women and have gotten away with it for decades due to their looks. Shiny objects lose their shine quickly once they jerk side appears and I care alot about how someone makes me feel.

When I hear some of the obnoxious replies on dating sites that "ordinary looking" guys get on dating websites, it sounds like a lot of the women are asses too... it is a pool with lots of good people but plenty of people with "issues" too.

I read your other post - and I suspect it is time to just take a break, think about how you are presenting yourself and then perhaps start over after a "cooling off" period and think of the type you actually want to attract.

Well said!

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These men seemed intrigued and extremely attracted to and mesmerized by my thinness. They talk about my weight and how little I eat as such a plus and make sure they let me know how they don't like overweight women

I feel like for one I could never let these guys know I used to be overweight.

. I'd hate to have to burst their bubble with the truth and I also hate the idea of only being seen for my physical self.

I want to be skinny but I don't want to be in this kind of club.

There's something very creepy about men who think women's weight, whether it's low or high, is a topic for conversation with no context. To be sitting across from a woman he doesn't know and discuss her, evaluate her, with her is weird, inappropriate and, well, creepy. What happened to conversation that's interesting and appropriate?

Your thinking on whether you'd reveal your weight history is off kilter. At one time you were 250. It's a part of your history and your being. As you say it, it sounds as though revealing your truth would be the same as apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for. Why fear "bursting the bubble" of some creep? You'd lose his approval? He's no great prize to begin with. The other side of the coin is: What happens when you decide to get naked with someone? Will he not notice some out-of-the-ordinary features? Loose skin? Scars not only from bariatric surgery, but also from reconstructive surgery (if that's the case)? "The dog ate my homework" won't cut it.

Are you clear yourself on what you mean by "skinny?" A very high percentage of obese or formerly obese people equate "skinny" with attractive and healthy. "Skinny" is neither. What's attractive about a sunken chest or something like? "Skinny" is distorted perception. I was stunned to observe many times at WLS support groups or at my clothing exchange events that obese and formerly obese people use the word "skinny" as a barrier against "the other," I'll call it. The best example I recall was a support meeting where a man (a man, mind you) who had never been overweight, did a guest presentation of some sort of exercise program he'd developed. A woman at the meeting, still quite heavy, made some comments which included describing him as "skinny." It was so clear that she was building a wall; that he was "the Other," not quite a "real" person. The moment was humiliating and the man responded by saying that he considered himself at a healthy weight, not skinny. He was accurate. The word "skinny" is an equivalent of thin ice -- a poor foundation, a broad misconception, and absence of a centeredness within.

I'll retract all that if in fact you really do mean true skinniness.

At this hour, I can't not ramble.

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These men seemed intrigued and extremely attracted to and mesmerized by my thinness. They talk about my weight and how little I eat as such a plus and make sure they let me know how they don't like overweight women

I feel like for one I could never let these guys know I used to be overweight.

. I'd hate to have to burst their bubble with the truth and I also hate the idea of only being seen for my physical self.

I want to be skinny but I don't want to be in this kind of club.

There's something very creepy about men who think women's weight, whether it's low or high, is a topic for conversation with no context. To be sitting across from a woman he doesn't know and discuss her, evaluate her, with her is weird, inappropriate and, well, creepy. What happened to conversation that's interesting and appropriate?

Your thinking on whether you'd reveal your weight history is off kilter. At one time you were 250. It's a part of your history and your being. As you say it, it sounds as though revealing your truth would be the same as apologizing. You have nothing to apologize for. Why fear "bursting the bubble" of some creep? You'd lose his approval? He's no great prize to begin with. The other side of the coin is: What happens when you decide to get naked with someone? Will he not notice some out-of-the-ordinary features? Loose skin? Scars not only from bariatric surgery, but also from reconstructive surgery (if that's the case)? "The dog ate my homework" won't cut it.

Are you clear yourself on what you mean by "skinny?" A very high percentage of obese or formerly obese people equate "skinny" with attractive and healthy. "Skinny" is neither. What's attractive about a sunken chest or something like? "Skinny" is distorted perception. I was stunned to observe many times at WLS support groups or at my clothing exchange events that obese and formerly obese people use the word "skinny" as a barrier against "the other," I'll call it. The best example I recall was a support meeting where a man (a man, mind you) who had never been overweight, did a guest presentation of some sort of exercise program he'd developed. A woman at the meeting, still quite heavy, made some comments which included describing him as "skinny." It was so clear that she was building a wall; that he was "the Other," not quite a "real" person. The moment was humiliating and the man responded by saying that he considered himself at a healthy weight, not skinny. He was accurate. The word "skinny" is an equivalent of thin ice -- a poor foundation, a broad misconception, and absence of a centeredness within.

I'll retract all that if in fact you really do mean true skinniness.

At this hour, I can't not ramble.

All very true!! Edited by bellabloom

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Very interesting dialogue in this thread. Thanks to all. Makes me think I have some issues with "skinny" I haven't begun to examine. Hmmm.

Let's face it, folks. It's just fuckin' weird to lose this much weight in such a short period of time after (for most of us) a lifetime of obesity. And we're undergoing this enormous physical and psychological transformation in an era when people of all ages are obsessed with physical appearance.

WLS in the selfie era -- it definitely has some challenges.

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Very interesting dialogue in this thread. Thanks to all. Makes me think I have some issues with "skinny" I haven't begun to examine. Hmmm.

Let's face it, folks. It's just fuckin' weird to lose this much weight in such a short period of time after (for most of us) a lifetime of obesity. And we're undergoing this enormous physical and psychological transformation in an era when people of all ages are obsessed with physical appearance.

WLS in the selfie era -- it definitely has some challenges.

Yes, this thread has been an enlightening read.

This topic of how our obesity shaped the way we view the world--even for those who are no longer obese--is a topic meriting its own thread. I know for a fact that everything I do in life, every single choice I've ever made, is done from the lens of a fat person. When you are fat from childhood (I tipped over into the "fat" category in third grade, and it was all downhill from there), especially in a time when few kids were fat (unlike today, where it is more normalized), it is rare that you grow up relating to the world in a way that a slender person would. This is of course my perception, and there are certainly people out there whose experience differs, but I know that my personality was vastly shaped by growing up fat and therefore different from my classmates.

So when we shed that fat, after years of moving through the world dodging society's slights and insults, we don't really have any kind of touchpoint for knowing how to relate to potential love interests.

It is so very normal that newly-thin people are confused in the dating world. I don't have any solution but I suppose it is like being a teenager again, with all the passion and heartbreak that accompanies that stage of life. You just have to walk through it, learn your lessons, and hopefully come out of it with a great and worthy mate.

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Good gosh this is a long thread, lol.

I can understand how you feel in a sense. Men tell me I am small all the time. My last boyfriend would tease me about how little I am, pick me up and toss me over his shoulder, and make me laugh until my face hurt because he teased me that I was tiny. I average about 129-131 pounds...good days I'm smaller, bad days or weeks I'm about 2 pounds bigger, but I am by no means a small girl. I don't mind when men tell me I am small...it makes me feel good. My last boyfriend also used to tell me how smart I was, how good of a cook I was, how funny I was, and a lot of other things, all of which also made me feel good.

In the end, each man is attacted to different things. I don't feel like I'm being offensive when I tell a man how his big shoulders are sexy, how his butt looks fabulous, or how I like how thick his wrists are, so when a man tells me I'm little and teases me that he can toss me around, I take it as what it is...a compliment. Men are conditioned to think women like to be told they are small because all we do is complain about how we are fat. We can't complain that they might not like us because we are too big but then in the same sentence turn around and complain that they tell us we are small.

The overwhelming majority of people in the world, including men much as I hate to say it, are good people, who when they say something about our appearance are trying to be kind and make us feel good about ourselves. Smile, accept the compliment, and move on...no one is trying to be offensive, shallow, or hurtful.

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Good gosh this is a long thread, lol.

I can understand how you feel in a sense. Men tell me I am small all the time. My last boyfriend would tease me about how little I am, pick me up and toss me over his shoulder, and make me laugh until my face hurt because he teased me that I was tiny. I average about 129-131 pounds...good days I'm smaller, bad days or weeks I'm about 2 pounds bigger, but I am by no means a small girl. I don't mind when men tell me I am small...it makes me feel good. My last boyfriend also used to tell me how smart I was, how good of a cook I was, how funny I was, and a lot of other things, all of which also made me feel good.

In the end, each man is attacted to different things. I don't feel like I'm being offensive when I tell a man how his big shoulders are sexy, how his butt looks fabulous, or how I like how thick his wrists are, so when a man tells me I'm little and teases me that he can toss me around, I take it as what it is...a compliment. Men are conditioned to think women like to be told they are small because all we do is complain about how we are fat. We can't complain that they might not like us because we are too big but then in the same sentence turn around and complain that they tell us we are small.

The overwhelming majority of people in the world, including men much as I hate to say it, are good people, who when they say something about our appearance are trying to be kind and make us feel good about ourselves. Smile, accept the compliment, and move on...no one is trying to be offensive, shallow, or hurtful.

You really understood my original post, thank you.

You're right. I guess I'm overreacting a little. I can't explain exactly what is happening. All I know is I'm uncomfortable with how certain men are reacting to me. But it will get better in time I'm sure.

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Very interesting dialogue in this thread. Thanks to all. Makes me think I have some issues with "skinny" I haven't begun to examine. Hmmm.

Let's face it, folks. It's just fuckin' weird to lose this much weight in such a short period of time after (for most of us) a lifetime of obesity. And we're undergoing this enormous physical and psychological transformation in an era when people of all ages are obsessed with physical appearance.

WLS in the selfie era -- it definitely has some challenges.

Right on! (I sound like a child of the 70's, don't I?) I have to admit, I went into this thread reading one thing, and came out understanding another.

That's why I love these forums. Well, it's kind of a love/hate. LOL.

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