Is dating 50/50?

[Daveo 485]

I have created a couple online profiles on dating sites but have yet to go on a date. I find it very time consuming searching through profiles and also making my profile something someone would be interested in reading. My concern is though once I start dating what should I expect? From my very limited experience I would pay for everything and didn't think twice about it. I was talking with my friend yesterday and she said it is not like that anymore. It is more of split it down the middle kinda thing or go dutch. This is when you are dating and when you decide to move in together (which is not even a thought right now). What I would like to know is if any of you have come across dating situation where you didn't know what to do or tried to do what you thought was normal only to find out it wasn't.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

It depends. I tell women upfront "I'm open minded about everything but wanting to open the door for them, and paying when we go out." It cuts down the anxiety. Now, some women actually will be insistent on paying, at least occasionally. So there is no "correct" answer. It depends on your means too. It is a time consuming process. Make it easy on yourself and wallet. First meeting should be public and usually for coffee.

[gowalking 10,790]

When I was dating, I always offered to split the check though I never had any gentleman agree to take my money. I'm now in an exclusive relationship and we both pay for things though I will admit he pays more times than I do. He doesn't feel it should be 50/50 as he is the man and I know he 'lets' me pay for some things because it makes me feel better to put my hand in my pocket.

In my opinion...and it's just my opinion...you pay the first time you meet a woman. Then you can go from there but don't let her pay for anything even if it's just a coffee date.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

First meeting....keep it to a coffee or something like that. Pay for it (just trust me on this one). If you decide to meet again choose something comfortable for your means and offer to pay. Actually my advice would be to insist.

Once in a relationship I would offer to take my man "out" and would insist on paying for those events. We did a big new years eve out and while he probably paid 60 percent but I picked up some of it too. I think that 50-50 or something similar is reasonable once you are in a relationship.

It sounds trite and stupid but people want to feel valued early on in the "courtship". I think traditionally that means girls show up made up and looking awesome (my hair, clothes,make up, nails are well thought out for the setting) guys pay. Okay, flame me, but when I first started dating I didn't understand these social nuances and in my efforts to be m 50-50 I missed some opportunities.

My comments all assume you are in somewhat similar or better economic situation as those you date.

[lisacaron 5,075]

Let me apologize up front for posting here, since I'm now happily married I wanted to share some of my insight with you from that single perspective, paying 50/50 and online dating.

First, when I began dating it was shortly after my husband of nearly 20 years and I broke up. A friend set me up on what was then Yahoo personals and it went from there. Profiles...what do you say...what don't you say...what do people want to hear...you can go on and on. The answer here is the truth. For me honesty is a big one, so I went with that. I was honest about who I was. When the winks, and ice breakers and all that "fun" stuff came along and you had to decide respond or not...send one out or not...I had to have a deep conversation with myself. What was I looking for? What kind of person did I want to meet and spend my time with? Was I looking for a good time? A relationship? A friend? What....

That helped me to narrow things down for myself and all the fish in the sea

Once I knew what I was looking for (starting with something simple like a person in the same "area" as me) it was much easier. I wasn't looking at height, weight and body type, but I was looking at pictures and the place and people that person chose to share in their pictures. You can tell a lot by the places someone has been and the people around them I think.

OK so now on to the dating bit. For me...I didn't want anyone to pay for me. If I chose to meet you, for a drink or coffee I always kept it light for the first meeting even if the gentleman insisted I would pay for my own beverage or what have you. My reason...I didn't want to feel beholden to anyone. I was giving them my time and in turn they were giving me theirs. If we chose to move forward to date 2 and 3 and all is comfortable between the two then I would accept him paying for dinner and I would leave the tip, and the next date well I would pay for dinner and he could leave the tip.

After many years of marriage (for me) I wanted to feel that I was independent and could stand on my own. It was something I needed to do for myself and I have to say that the gentleman...who today include my husband were all very understanding of that fact. (I probably would not have seen them again if they weren't but that's me)

I met my husband Ken through that same Yahoo personals page and though neither of us were looking for "love" and both had said we would NEVER marry again...well here we are 10 years later still together and happily married to each other!! Never say never

I wish you all the best, and my advice is to be honest with yourself and others. Know yourself and what your looking for, and go for it!

[Bandora 136]

I think it is old-fashioned courtesy to pay for your first dates. I appreciated it and of course the first date should be relatively casual. I have been with my boyfriend since one month post op ( June 2013) We met at a sports grill and kept dates simple ( movies, lunch)at first. As time progressed I would contribute to the bill. Most of the times he insisted on paying but I did not want to appear as if I expected it.

My suggestion is to go on activity based dates where you may share an interest. For example- I love museums/galleries and art fairs so those are great options. Look at every date as a positive experience even if you don't connect in a romantic way. Getting out there taking a chance is a great confidence builder. It can be daunting to read all the profiles but you have to really devote sometime to it to see what you are looking for. I was open on age/weight/haircolor/religion etc..but my dealbreaker was someone that smokes. Just know where you are willing to compromise. Some of the best people are just not great writers and the profiles are not as catchy. Wishing you the best of luck!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

@@lisacaron what i think is funny and contradictory in my reply is that I do think it is "expected" and appreciated for the guy to pay for the first date or two, but if i am out dancing or something with friends or with a meetup group and dance with somoen - i NEVER EVER let anyone buy me a drink. I too don't want to feel beholden... funny how I make the distinction isn't it?

[hockeyfan7 249]

I married my husband from match.com. One thing I would say is be open to different people. I actually went on 42 dates before I met my now husband. He and I were only a 70% match on match.com but we've been married for 12 years now.

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

I my also be old-fashioned but I 100% expect the guy to pay for the first date and I do NOT feel beholden to anything, except maybe to talk to a guy who bought me a drink for a few minutes. At the same time recognizing different strokes for different folks, I would say always offer to pay the first few dates. If she takes out her wallet say "l would like to take care of this" if she protests a second time then let her split it (but if only once it might just be a good will gesture). If you ask her then you are expected to cover costs, if she asks you then she should (but you still might want to be prepared to offer and then let her pull out her wallet when the bill comes).

If a guy did not pay for the first second or third date there would not be a second third or fourth. I am perfectly capable of supporting myself and buying my own dinner but I also need to know that he is putting in some effort and actually interested in something more than friendship. That being said if we do dinner and a movie I will frequently offer to buy whichever is less expensive. If we're doing dinner and a movie then I'll buy the movie tickets. If a movie then I'll buy the popcorn etc.

But this may change as I should be a pretty cheap dinner date for the next six months or so:-)

[FocusOnMeNow 599]

@@Daveo - One more thing, my brother went on like 96 dates before he met his current wife on Match. I suggest that you message every person who does not have some kind of deal-breaker on their profile. Meet them, get to know them, refine your profile parameters based on who you talk to and/or meet. And if you are serious about finding a relationship then please make this like you're part time job. Decide x nights per week you will date. You will follow up with x number of women each evening etc. Its also odd for me, a serial monogamist to see more than one person at once but please do it. I think they recommend you have at least 3 different people in rotation at a time. That way when one person goes out of your rotation (or rejects you) it is not such a hit to the ego, because you will have another date with so and so two days from now etc. Of course, once you and a woman decide you are ready to be exclusive then you should be. I hope this helps. I don't mean to be offering too much advice. Just see what works for you, but if you don't contact people and don't meet people then you will never get out there. Good Luck!

[Daveo 485]

Thank you all for your responses, very helpful. Like I said I'm not dating at the moment but it helps to be prepared. I would want to offer to pay for the date but yeah if she insists on splitting it after a second time of me saying I'll pay then I will respect her wishes.

[Daveo 485]

@@FocusOnMeNow no advise is too much at this point in time for me, thank you!

[SleeveSoon 191]

I did the online dating thing a few years ago. I would always pay for the first several dates. Typically a first date would be something light - like meeting at a Starbucks or at a wine tasting bar. I hated long email exchanges and always felt an in person meeting was well worth the time and money.

I don't think that I ever spilt check with a date, but some times they would offer to bring a bottle of wine to a BYOB restaurant. One woman paid for dinner after we attended a play. Any effort that they made was appreciated.

I expect to start dating again in a few months. I am having my surgery (Sleeve) tomorrow and expect that eating and drinking restrictions may be a bigger challenge in dating than who pays for what.

[Dream4tc 192]

I am married too, but couldn't resist not posting. I can tell you Chivalry is still alive today, I assure you, BUT ...for the first date. ...I agree with everyone to keep it light coffee, at the park (not parking) haha......or a group event. That way you can get to know the other without either having any pressure. A relationship should always have a good basis of friendship first anyways right? It is always the gentlemen thing to offer and pay the first time, but nowadays it's really not expected. The right person will come along when you least expect it. @@lisacaron - I met my husband on yahoo personals too!

[bellabloom 2,469]

My advice to you:

Have plenty of photos that are good quality. Clear face shots and full body. I will often pass up a guy if he doesn't have enough photos.

Make a profile that describes your basic personality, a few sentences about what you are looking for in a partner. And list a couple specific likes and interests such as favorite song and what is important to you in life. Use specific examples.

Email lots of women and make sure and ask questions to keep the conversation going. It's hard to keep up texting without questions back and forth. Follow every answer with a question.

As her out on a date quickly- within a couple days. It's always better to meet than text for long periods.

Always, always pay on the first date. I cannot tell you what a turnoff it is to me when a guy doesn't do this. In fact I feel guys should pay the majority of the time. It's manly and attractive to do so and a sign of respect.

Don't worry about rejection. Date plenty of people at once and know that not everyone is your match, but it only takes one.