Unsupportive family

[ralambert511 4]

My husband is very supportive in my decision to have WLS. He is a healthy weight. But I am TERRIFIED to tell my parents, mostly my mom, and my brother. They are all overweight and I have heard them talk about/judge others for having WLS and I doubt they will be supportive. A large part of me wants to not tell them. BUT they live right up the road from us. I see my dad daily, my mom every other day, and my brother weekly. So I doubt I will be able to hide my recovery from them.

Another dimension to all this, is when I'm successful I feel like I will have something like survivors guilt. My insurance will cover my surgery and I know that that isn't an option for them. So even if they were supportive and wanted WLS too, it's just not going to happen...

I am so torn with being excited about the chance at a new life and scared of what this will mean for my relationship with my overweight family.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Would you feel guilty if you had a medical condition that caused significant weight loss?

I would just disappear for a few days and get it done. Then there would be nothing they can do or say to undo your surgery.

You are a grown person who should be in charge of your own health decisions, no matter what anyone thinks, family or not. Now, go out there and be in charge of yourself. I am rooting for you!

[ralambert511 4]

Thanks Miss Mac! That means a lot to me! To answer your question, no I don't think I would feel guilty if a medical condition resulted in weight loss but I do think that I would still be concerned with my relationship with my family.

At the end of the day I will do what I need to do and I hope that my family will be supportive. But I guess to mentally prepare for the chance that they won't be.

[bikrchk 1,313]

Other people's opinions are none of our business! Seriously! If this is something you're decided to do, made an educated decision, hopefully with your doctor, etc., and you are a grown adult, it's really none of their business! I'm with @Miss Mac! If you don't want their interference, don't tell them until it's done. Telling them after is optional. This is your decision for your good health. Do what you think is best for YOU!

[ralambert511 4]

I guess what my original post should have said was "my family will be unsupportive and I'm disappointed that they won't be there for me." Because everything you ladies have said hits home for me. I guess I just needed someone else to tell me that it's ok to not want to include them in this.

[McButterpants 2,846]

I was worried at my parents reaction to me telling them I was going to have WLS. I just came out and said it "I'm going to have a surgery that will cut out 75% of my stomach." My mom looked at me and started to cry - she understands what I went thru and my struggles. My dad asked several questions, "Are you going to be able to live without the foods you love?" type questions. He was very skeptical. Now, almost two years later he calls this a "necessary medical procedure" - that makes me smile.

I have not told my brothers - I just felt it was the right thing for me to do.

This is your decision - you need to do what you feel in your heart is the right thing to do. Don't worry about "guilt" because they can't have the surgery - you shouldn't slowly kill yourself with knife and fork.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I informed my family by email AFTER the fact and respectfully asked for either support or silence. The silent ones waited a year or two..but became supporters after they saw how much better my life is.

I just didn't want negativity since I was so scared preop and early months post op.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Yeah, no. I wouldn't tell them.

You'd be amazed at how little attention most people pay to others' lives.

BTW, I see so many overweight and obese people on these boards who feel "obligated" to share so much more private information about themselves than seems healthy to me. It makes me think fat people (I can call us that -- I'm a member of the tribe!) crave approval and intimacy overly much, given how little approval we've received for being fat.

Just a random thought there.

[Reason to Believe 77]

I know I crave approval and support. That hits home. Ralambert, I hope your family offers you their love and support. If they don't please realize that it is their issue not yours and remind yourself that you do have support elsewhere. Good luck.

[shellyd88 463]

Absolutely I must agree with what everyone has said its your life your decision you must live with the effects of being overweight and the surgery not them they don't need to be told so they criticize you if that's their thing that's on them not for you to have to deal with this process is hard enough without negative uneducated or jealous comments etc you can always say u have a slight tummy bug or you pulled a muscle which is sort of how it feels one thing I feel is that u don't have to defend yourself or justify your decision to anyone it's your life to live not anyone else's place to say what u should do

[amberleedy 18]

I know what your going through. My sister and I had originally decided to go through this journey together however she opted out and I moved forward. She said I already lost so much weight why would I go through the surgery? Well if I didn't have a problem I wouldn't be qualified for the surgery. I called to tell her I got approved and she practically hung up on me. It doesn't change my decision. My health is #1 right now. Sometimes you have to do what you feel is right even when people want to judge you for it.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I am probably one of the "over sharers " but it has been part of my internal transformation to let down walls...

This has nothing to do with the OP question. I think you do need to protect yourself from the unsupportive people that first year or two....

Yeah, no. I wouldn't tell them.

You'd be amazed at how little attention most people pay to others' lives.

BTW, I see so many overweight and obese people on these boards who feel "obligated" to share so much more private information about themselves than seems healthy to me. It makes me think fat people (I can call us that -- I'm a member of the tribe!) crave approval and intimacy overly much, given how little approval we've received for being fat.

Just a random thought there.

[naturegirl 320]

My parents have been supportive. My in laws relatively supportive. I think they are more supportive of it having seen DHs progress. I didn't tell any other family members (other than our children), with the exception of my cousin. She wasn't too supportive, and I have chosen to not share that information with her again. But it also helps that we don't live near each other.

I know that my parents would like to have the procedure but I don't think their insurance covers it, plus it's an added cost for them. But in the event that they do have it they are witnessing first hand what it is like.

The decision is yours. You can be upfront with them it choose to keep it to yourself.

[ralambert511 4]

I am by nature a private person. When I had my gallbladder out I told no one outside my husband except for my parents because I needed them to babysit my then 2 month baby while I was at the hospital and my husband was at work.

I've decided to tell them. When I tell them I will ask for their understanding and support but if they can't or won't give it then I will just have to distance myself from them for awhile. I have reached out to a therapist to help me prepare me for telling them and to help me deal if things don't go smoothly.

Thank you for all your replies. I appreciated everyone's point of view and words of encouragement. You all helped me to see that despite their judgement, I need to tell them for my own sake.

[principessa066 1]

My mother and sister do not support me at all - my family where I live (closest friends) support me and will be there for me from day 1. My sister has gone so far to try and convince one of my dearest friends to convince me to not do it!! The nerve! I do not plan to tell my mom and sister - I am scheduled for the 14th. Do what is right for you, as someone said earlier in the chain, you have to love with it, not them. Good Luck to you!!!