Jump to content
×
Are you looking for the BariatricPal Store? Go now!

ok, first date story/question



Recommended Posts

I reluctantly agreed to meet a man for a beverage (feeling jaded lately not too into dating at the moment) and we hit it off pretty well so we went to a daytime music festival that was happening right in that small town he lives in/I go to alot. We had a good time, did a little swing dancing etc. He tried to talk me into going back to his apartment, an invitation i declined but hey, can't fault a guy for trying right? He was being very flirty which culiminated in pulling my hair... lets just say in a way that seemed very intimate.

Reminder - middle of the day, out in public at a music festival in a small town where i am well known/see people i know all the time.

I felt embarrassed and actually a bit appalled. I am a physical person interested in an intimate relationship eventually, so I don't want to rule out someone just because he is interested in sex, but I felt anxiety when he texted me asking for a second date and I haven't decided what to do.

So,I am asking for opinion of other singles... am I being a weird prude?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I m happily married now, but in still a guy so I hope you'll accept this, we have many facets as men that make us charming to the opposite sex, but if you feel a connection or are inclined to think this might work, then it is your job to set the ground rules and boundaries by using straight talk, you will not only eliminate any problems with the other person, but since we are not teenagers you will also know right away if he thinks or feels the same as you do, or if his trophy case is bare and wants another set of antlers so to speak, relationships work because of attraction, like interests, and COMMUNICATION!, so if you think you are really interested don't lead him on, be specific and call the shots, he may surprise you, or you move on, my wife told me on the second date that I was gonna marry her.........and I did!!?lol

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Tough one, he might have learned that move on one of these sites: http://thedudesociety.com/2011/03/shut-up-and-pull-my-hair/

It sounds like your female intuition is kicking in and you know date two will be intimacy or bust. So the question is how frisky are you feeling? I think this one sounds like romp in hay only, if he was pushing that hard for sex. Not that I think there is anything wrong with it.

Completely your call. If you want sex, call him, if not, just let him know, "just not that interested in jumping in the sack this soon, sorry, no date."

Edited by OKCPirate

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@CowgirlJane, I agree with the posters above that the guy in question wants sex and soon. Pulling your hair is an intimate act, regardless of which men's magazine he learned the technique from.

Practically the first thing you said is that you "reluctantly" agreed to meet the guy. Feeling embarrassed and appalled by his actions is a very clear sign that something's amiss. If I were you, I'd back away.

Remember Maya Angelou's quote:

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually don't know what to think.

I am 51, and have twice entered into a dating/let's see if we might grow a relationship with men no longer interested in sex. It was disappointing to say the least. As a self reflective person I have asked the question "what am I doing to contribute to attract this situation?" Like do I select for men who have many good attributes but not necessarily seeking this in a relationship? I am trying to not repeat that experience but at the same time I am not a hookup kinda person.

This sounds really snotty but it is the truth..if I wanted just a hookup, I have plenty of options in the much younger, fit and hot crowd (the whole MILF thing) and I wouldn't need to deal with the online dumbness. I actually want to date one person with the hopes that it turns into a relationship with all benefits so that is why I seek my own age, compatible interests, reasonable location etc.

Anyway, I think I will accept, give it another chance....and if it comes up find a way to address where my mind and feelings are on the topic and let the chips fall where they may.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@CowgirlJane - I am surprised, you don't even look close to 51. But I'm with you, I don't want to date anyone who's not close to my age. At least you get called a MILF, I'd be called a perv. ;-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hey CowGirlJane - I have been in a similar dating place as you, still pretty much am. I am 44 and single, never married. Close a few times but no cigar. Around 2009 when I hit the peak of my weight loss with the Band (now gone), I was suddenly attracting a lot more male attention, some of it way too aggressive like you mention above and most of it was unwanted. I think it was timing - i was meeting a lot of men going through their midlife crisis and worse, was hit on by a lot of married men - even the husbands of friends! It sucked, to say the least and really turned me off from marriage and dating all together. I think for a lot of us women after significant weight loss, we are experiencing this kind of attention for the first time and it is uncomfortable. Women who never struggled with their weight and who are reasonably attractive have had to deal with this stuff their entire lives, so I think they have just gotten used to it. Years ago, I had this one friend who was the cutest thing you'd ever seen - petite, great figure (dressed conservatively), pretty and smart, funny - men would trip over themselves around her all the time. She never seemed to notice, she was numb to it. i think it is because she has to deal with it her entire life, she just had blinders on and never even reacted to any of it. The difference between us and her is that she has had her entire life to develop her coping mechanism for this type of attention.

I know the psychologist in my Band program warned us about this, so I wouldn't beat yourself up about it or get too discouraged. All you can do is remain strong, stick to your convictions (what ever they are), and keep your safety in mind. if you want to hook up with this guy, go for it - that's your business. If you aren't ready but like spending time with him, tell him that. If he is a jerk about it, he wasn't worth your time in the first place. Or don't say anything and just make sure you stay in public places and don't put yourself in a compromising position. The point is you don't owe this guy anything. I know it is hard to get out of what I like to call the "fat girl" mindset - being insecure because of your body so you worry too much about what everyone else thinks, wanting people to like you, focusing on pleasing them vs yourself because you want them to accept you, yada yada - but you aren't her anymore. You are a hot piece of a-- he needs to work for now. LOL. I am just kidding but you get my drift. It's all about you now, who cares what he wants or thinks. :-)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@ezbeinggreen your comments are very valid, but I am a little further down the road. I went through the "everybody is looking at me and it's weird" phase. I went through the whole mysterious world of understanding how I am seen by others. I have no problem saying "no" and setting boundaries, I was just very puzzled by this interaction. The only reason i even gave it all a second thought was because I have had the unfortunate experience of entering into a "relationship' with someone who is no longer interested in physical intimacy (likely for emotional reasons I guess) and don't really want to repeat that so I want to be sure I don't rule someone out just because they are still interested in it. Does not mean I intend to "hook up" as seems to be implied on this thread - that just is not my style.

On another note, I went to a dance lesson at a different place last night. It is kind of awesome that my friend and I got swooped up by experienced partners right away so we had a fun and great lesson! My "partner" knows lots of dances and after our 2 step class he showed me waltz and chacha basics too. He is at that place 3 nights a week and likes dancing with lots of ladies so I now have a connection there.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@ezbeinggreen - Very good and insightful post. It reminds me of the experience of American nurses in Viet Nam. Since they were the only American women there, they had their choice of good looking fit young men and were constantly being hit on. When they come back to the states and they felt invisible. In short it was too much for a year and then suddenly the attention was gone. Drove many to absolute despair.

@@CowgirlJane - I am enjoying getting a women's perspective on this. Thanks for starting the topic.

While the new attention I am getting isn't over the top, I'm really enjoying it, but I think if women pursued like too many men do, I think it would freak me out.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

@@CowgirlJane i am sorry if you thought I implied you were intending to keep things casual. I thought it was clear from your post that you want the exact opposite. I just meant that as a generalization for anyone who may be reading this thread and struggling with the new attention. If the question as to whether or not the pulling your hair thing was weird - YES. That is way to intimate for a first date, and kind of strange in general.

It sounds like this guy could be just a "dog" as they say. In my 30s I met a guy on match.com, we had a great first date and he too was forward and asked if I wanted to come back to his place that same night. I said no, and he was like OK no worries, I still want to see you again anyway. We ended up dating for 3 months before he finally got around to telling me he had no interest in being in a serious/exclusive relationship. Of course that was after our relationship had become sexual, which I think was a really crappy thing for him to do. Lesson learned on my part.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Trending Products

  • Trending Topics

  • Recent Status Updates

    • LeighaTR

      Four days post surgery. I am sipping as fast as I can and getting NO WHERE near the goal of 60 - 80 grams of protein or the 64 oz of liquids. I just feel FULL. I don't know if it can still be the gas build up (I would think by now that would be gone) but it is a struggle to drink. And so far I have not had the nausea or spasms and don't want to wander into that territory by pushing too hard with liquids. I about passed out today as it was my most "strenuous" day. Went from second story to basement for shower and I was sure I was going to pass out. Looking back on my last few days I have had a total of less than 1000 calories. Am I just not getting enough nourishment in me? Once again a friday where I can't get ahold of the doc until Monday rolls back around so I am hoping maybe someone here has some experience on how to keep energy going. I do have fibromyalgia too and that may be where some added fatigue comes into play. How did you all fair with the goals the week after surgery?
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Doughgurl

      2 days until I fly out to San Diego to have my Bypass Surg. in Tiajuana Mexico. Not gonna lie, the nerves are starting to surface. I don't fear the surgery itself, or the fact that I'm traveling alone, but its the aftermath that I'm stressing about the most, after this 8 week wait. I'm excited to finally be here, but I am really dreading the post surgical chapter. I know its going to be tough, real tough and I think I'm just in my head to much now that the day i here. Wish me luck, Hopefully I'm one of the lucky ones, and everything goes smoothly. Cant wait to give an exciting update,. If there is anyone else have a June bypass or even a recent one, Id love to have someone to compare war stories with. Also, anyone near San Antonio Tx? See ya soon with the future me. 💜
      · 3 replies
      1. Phil Penn

        Good Luck this procedure is well worth it I am down to 249.6 lb please continue with the process..

      2. Selina333

        I'm in Houston so kind of near you and had the sleeve in Dec. Down 61 lbs. Feeling better. Was definitely worth it. I hope the everything is going well for you. Update us when you can!

      3. Doughgurl

        I am back home after my bypass surgery in Tiajuana. I'm post op day 4. Everything went great! I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who have not encountered much pain at all, no nausea thus far and I'm having no problem keeping down broths and water. Thank you for your well wishes. I cant wait to keep up this journey and have a chance at better health and simply better quality of life. I know there will be bumps in the road ahead, and everything won't be peaches and cream, but at least I have a great start so far. 😍

    • LeighaTR

      I am new here today... and only two weeks out from my sleeve surgery on the 23rd. I am amazed I have kept my calories down to 467 today so far... that leaves me almost 750 left for dinner and maybe a snack. This is going to be tough for two weeks... but I have to believe I can do it!
      · 0 replies
      1. This update has no replies.
    • Doughgurl

      Hey everyone. I'm new here so I thought I should introduce myself. I am 53y/o and am scheduled for Gastric Bypass on June 25th, 2025. I'm located in San Antonio, Texas. I will be having my surgery in Tiajuana Mexico. I've wanted this for years, but I always had insurance where bariatric procedures were excluded. Finally I am able to afford to pay out of pocket.  I can't wait to get started, and I hope I'm prepared for the initial period of "hell". I know what I have signed up for, but I'm sure the good to come will out way the temporary period of discomfort and feelings of regret. I'd love to find people to talk to who have been through the same procedure or experience before. So I look forward to meeting you all. Hope you have a great week!
      · 2 replies
      1. Selina333

        I'm so happy for you! You are about to change your life. I was so glad to get the sleeve done in Dec. I didn't have feelings of regret overall. And I'm down almost 60 lbs. I do feel a little sad at restaurants. I can barely eat half a kid's meal. I get adults meals often because kid ones don't have the same offerings at times. Then I feel obligated to eat on that until it's gone and that can be days. So the restaurant thing isn't great for me. All the rest is fine by me! I love feeling full with very little. I do wish I could drink when eating. And will sip at the end. Just a strong habit to stop. But I'm working on it! You will do fine! Just keep focused on your desire to be different. Not better or worse. But different. I am happy both ways but my low back doesn't like me that heavy. So I listened (also my feet!). LOL! Update us on your journey! I'm not far from you. I'm in Houston. Good luck and I hope it all goes smoothly! Would love to see pics of the town you go to for this. I've never been there. Neat you will be traveling for this! Enjoy the journey. Take it one day at a time. Sometimes a few hours at a time. Follow all recommendations as best you can. 💗

      2. Doughgurl

        Thank you so much for your well wishes. I am hoping that everything goes easy for me as well. We don't eat out much as it is, so it wont be too bad in that department. Thankfully. Also, I hear you regarding your back and feet!! I'd like to add knees to the list. Killing me as we speak! I'm only 5' so the weight has to go. Too short to carry all this weight. Menopause really did a doosey on me. (😶lol) My daughter also lives in Houston. with her Husband and my 5 grand-littles. I grew up in Beaumont, so I know Houston well, I will be sure to keep in touch and update you on my journey. I may need some advice in the future, or just motivation. Thank You so much for reaching out, I was hoping to connect with someone in the community. I really appreciate it. 💜

    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. LeighaTR

        I hope your surgery on Wednesday goes well. You will be able to do all sorts of new things as you find your new normal after surgery. I don't know this from experience yet, but I am seeing a lot of positive things from people who have had it done. Best of luck!

  • Recent Topics

  • Hot Products

  • Sign Up For
    Our Newsletter

    Follow us for the latest news
    and special product offers!
  • Together, we have lost...
      lbs

    PatchAid Vitamin Patches

    ×