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Madly in love but holding back info



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I am an almost compulsively honest person so I told my future husband very quickly about my surgery. He was really sweet. No judgments that I've ever seen and unlike the OP my loose skin is pretty severe. Later, after we were married he read up on WLS and told me all these health benefits that pass along to children of WLS patients. It blew me away. He has only ever seen my surgery as a positive. I think you need to give this amazing man a chance to prove that he is the real deal. All cards out on the table. You will probably be very pleasantly surprised.

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Canyon baby I envy the love you have and my heart goes out to you in this trying time. I can't imagine what your going through. Your words are very wise.

If the shoe were reversed for me I would not care to know. I went on a date awhile back with a guy who told me on our second date he had the sleeve surgery. I felt it was way too much info and I also wondered why he is living in the past and so hung up on it that he felt the need to tell me. People are entitled to their privacy and there is such a thing as too much information.

If my boyfriend, down the line, is upset I didn't tell him, I will simply explain that I was trying to live in the present and I wanted to give our relationship time before bringing in the baggage. Hopefully he will understand and not see it as a breach of trust.

I really don't think he will mind me holding it back. He will get it. That's the kind of person he is. He is respectful of privacy and doesn't pry into my past.

I haven't read all the replies so this may have been asked already, but are you ashamed that you had (or had to have) your surgery? You keep saying you don't want to live in the past...I guess I don't really understand how a surgery you got six months ago is living in the past.

I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but it really sounds like you should speak with someone about some of the mental hangups and self hatred you're having regarding your weight.

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For me it's the way I eat now. I would have to explain it. While I'm very comfortable and happy with how much I'm able to eat at one time, I'm well aware that to others. ..I eat like a toddler. I feel I would have to tell a man I'm seriously interested in, and I mean seriously, that I had surgery.

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Okay... Everyone has really good points, but those big loves are built on something more than a few weeks of dating. Mostly we don't sit down on the first date and say all the big hard things and wait to see who flinches first. It's not relationship chicken. The trust to share these things is built on the positive experiences that build the affection and the slow sharing of hard stuff and seeing how it is responded to. If in the first two months you're still building that trust, then that's not lies of omission or otherwise - it's the pace of that relationship. It gets to have it's own pace and you get to open up at the rate you're comfortable with. (It's called having healthy boundaries and not being codependent.) It doesn't mean that at five years or twenty you wont be completely open and trusting of each other. It just means that the level of intimacy and trust that you have at two months is still in it's infancy as you learn about each other and the relationship and decide if it's going to work in the long term.

That said, if you're ashamed of your past it will always have more control over you than you want it to. Own your shame stories so they don't own you. Particularly as so many women have eating disorders. Being ashamed of it and the underlying stuff is kind of (for me) a trap and a trigger. But that has nothing to do with when you share this info with him or anyone else - that is totally your own call. And you're absolutely right. Some people aren't supportive and don't respond well. It can be a big thing to share. People can be judgmental about this surgery - which is a great reason not to tell your coworkers. If someone you're closely involved with is going to be judgy then you might want to reconsider just how involved you get because that's not the only thing they'll be judgy about.

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@@bellabloom

I'm glad your weight loss revelation has worked for you and your new boyfriend. Enjoy yourselves. :)

But I gotta say ... the strong psychological projections visible in some posts on this thread got kinda weird.

Protip: Those folks whose emotional lives don't duplicate your own emotional life aren't necessarily doing it wrong. They're simply not YOU living YOUR life. They're entitled to make their own emotional decisions about their own circumstances that are different from yours.

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I am also a big subscriber to the "you are only as sick as the secrets you keep." While I also agree its not something to blurt out on the second date when you are just getting to know someone. I think it is after two months perhaps worth telling the truth. Something like you are "in recovery" from bulimia and overweight. If he can't accept that then he can't accept you. If he does accept it then he can accept you and love who you REALLY are not just some projection of what he wants you to be. So if you want to keep it 100% real with him and have an open and honest relationship then go for it. If you want to hide your past and will forever just be waiting for the other shoe to drop till he finds out about gasp 'WLS' or your past abusive relationship, and that somehow he's going to reject you for that, then you have some serious shame issues. You need to accept yourself first. My personal philosophy is this: this is who I am warts and all take it or leave it. And if you leave it then good riddance. I don't need people in my life to judge me. But I do need love and support in my life to be the best person that I can be (even if that means that some of my warts have faded).

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