Unsupportive Mom :(

[Stacyc311 36]

Of anyone who should understand why I am doing this procedure, I would think it would be my mom. My mom has struggled with obesity most of her adult life. She has had several surgeries because of obesity related issues. In 2014 she had 4 surgeries and almost had to skip my bridal shower and wedding because she was so sick. My theory is, have this one surgery now, on my terms, and prevent having to have my knees and hips replaced when I am her age. Her theory is why screw up a "healthy" body when you don't need to. I'm 29, married and "healthy", just overweight. The only time I have ever been a normal weight was when I had a drug problem when I was a teenager.

My mom always makes snarky comments about me having surgery. And this weekend it really came to head. We ran into two of aunts when out running errands on Friday. Its bad enough when she makes comments to me, but it really upsets me when she says things in front of other people. Especially people who I haven't even decided if I am going to share with them that I am having the surgery done. So my mom told both my aunts that I am having this done, then she went into her laundry list of reasons why it's not a good idea.

I feel that I should be able to decide who I want to share my news with and who I don't want to tell. I am not doing this in secrecy, but I'm not sharing it with everyone. I have told my immediate family, 2 coworkers and about 5 close friends. I'm sure everyone will eventually find out, but I want to tell them on my terms.

It would be just be really nice to be supported, especially by my mom. Thanks for listening.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

Sounds like your Mom is projecting her issues onto you. If you haven't already, you might try educating her about the different types of surgeries . Be enthusiastic, and then ask for her help in making your decision about which surgery to go with. I found that people are fascinated by the subject and often get on board after that conversation. (Of course, the real decision about which surgery to have should be between you and your doctor!) I'm no shrink, but if her attitude persists, you may need to tell her something like, "Mom, I've made my decision and that's final. I'm doing this for my long-term health, and I really want and need your support. But if you're going to dis me about it all the time, I'm going to have to take a break from spending time with you because while I'm going through this I can't, and shouldn't have to deal with the negativity. I love you with all my heart, but if you keep it up, I'll have to step back for a while." And then do it. Good luck, this is a tough one!

[brmbrown 15]

So sorry Stacy to hear about that, perhaps your mom in an unusual way is just afraid, she'll come around. I agree with you in deciding who you want to share this information with. It was definitely not your mothers decision. Although she has let the information out, keep your head up, you are on your way to a new happy, healthy you! Praying that your mom gives support! Best wishes with your mom and more importantly your surgery!

[JamieLogical 8,727]

It's unfortunate that your mom isn't being more supportive. Fortunately, my parents were incredibly supportive, my husband was less understanding (though he was supportive). And you're right that it *should* be up to you who to tell and when, but that's not how it usually works out. I knew the second I told my parents, then rest of my family would find out in short order. My mom is not the secret-keeping kind.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

You have a rough enough road ahead of you, my dear, without all the added stress form the outside. Maybe reduce your time with mom for awhile, not avoid her, but be very "busy" while you get ready for this adventure. Make sure you have all your ducks in a row prior to the surgery, and don't have a "need" for mom to be there when you are recovering, or going through the more difficult times (stalls, depression, hair loss...) after the surgery. Those are going to be tough times, and you don't need the "I told you so's" during this time (you'll hear enough of that, I'm sure). So have your husband get prepared for fending her off during those times, saying things like "she's unavailable right now" or something to that affect.

It is too bad people have to be this way, too bad for them. You WANT to share with those closest to you, but sometimes you can't. Self-preservation. Whatever you do, don't cave; you DO need to get ahead of this weight issue. The longer you hold off, the more difficult it can be. Good luck to you.

[della street 213]

@@Rogofulm I totally agree with your advice for @@Stacyc311 -- mom may even have some buried jealousy --

[onmywaytobeingfound 163]

@@Stacyc311 stay the course! I wanted and seriously contemplated rny at 21. I let my mom talk me out of it. Finally last year I decided enough was enough! I went to seminars at different hospitals and got into a program before I told her! Lol

My mom like yours is obese. I've watched her struggle through every surgery she has had because of her being overweight. Everyday she goes home from work and sleeps. She misses out on being involved in my children's lives. She misses out on life in general because of the hold that food has on her. I was following in those same footsteps! I had to break the cycle. I couldn't risk ending up physically broken because of food.

I asked her to not tell anyone. But she did. She told my grandma in confidence! But she just found out that she then told 1 of my aunt's in confidence. Lord knows, my whole family probably knows now! When it's none of their business. It's mine! All of this to say, I understand. I am sorry:-( Stay the course to a healthy long life! I look forward to hearing of your successes on here!!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

You know, you can always say "Mom, I want to live longer. To see my children's children. Don't YOU want that for me, too? If this is what I feel I have to do, then I will do it, with or without your support. YES, it's THAT important to me."

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Thank Goodness that you are a grown woman with your own mind and that mom does not have legal power of attorney over your healthcare decisions. You can proceed as planned and set a good example for her. I have strived to be a pleasant and supportive mom for my daughters who are now grown (37 and 39), but there were times that they called me out on a judgemental attitude and straightened me out. I have learned so much more from my daughters than I think I ever taught them.

There seems to come a time when the circle of life reverses and the parent becomes the child; the teacher becomes the student. Be patient with your mom, but maintain a little distance until your are post-op. She might still be snarky, but she will know that you stand up for yourself and won't give your power to anyone....not even her.

I am 63 and had my surgery December 23, 2013. I am 5'4" and weighed 235 at the time of surgery. I had already had both knees replaced (I do not wish joint replacement on anybody) and many gastric issues. I was pre-diabetic and on a cocktail of meds for high blood pressure. My mother died before her time of an abdominal anyeurism at the age of 67. Her mother lived to be 98. Mother weighed 320 pounds and was bigger around than she was tall (5'2").

What convinced me to have the surgery was a stroke - a freakin' stroke. That's when I knew I was done with dieting, the food pyramid, and common wisdom about metabolism. I was clearly becoming my mother. Please stand your ground and don't become your mother. Your children need a mother who is present in their lives and not on the sidelines feeling 80 at the age of 40.

Hang in there. I wish you good luck and good health.

[onmywaytobeingfound 163]

^^^Amen!

[Elizabeth21 176]

I suspect that your mother is very jealous of you. Maybe it is subconsciously so. My obese mother has always been jealous and uncomfortable with any of my weight losses.

It might be that your mom is just not going to be capable of understanding this decision. So, I agree with the suggestions above -- be careful with your exposure to her and her toxicity. And, just relate to her as you might a child who cannot understand. I find when I accepted that my mother was incapable of understanding of my choices in life, I felt less hurt and angry because I looked at it as not a choice of hers and not a rejection of me personally, but rather a mental inability of hers that she has no control over.

Good luck!

[Stephanie Stroup McIntosh 157]

I am guessing that your mom has an issue with it because it is a different path than she had. I would have a conversation with her and just let her know that you understand where she is coming from and respect her opinion, but this is your choice and with the help of your doctor, you decided that this was the best option for you and that you would prefer if she would not tell other people, as this is your life and not hers. If you approach it in a respectful and caring way, where she feels heard, it should go over well. If it doesn't go well, at least you tried. Find people that are supportive though, because that goes a long way in being successful.

[mrs kaje 347]

I wonder if there's a bit of "you think you're disgusting because you're obese - I'm obese, too, so does that mean you think I'm disgusting, too?" (not in those words, but you get the drift) and like forcing her to be a bit more self aware of her own health situation.

[bikrchk 1,313]

My mom was not "unsupportive", but she did wig out a little when she started to do here own "research" and kind of freaked herself out a bit. I ended up taking her to my surgeon's office to sit down with the nurse coordinator for a better education. It helped IMMENSELY to ease her mind. You might try this if she's open to it. If not, simply tell her to stop talking about it particularly with others around. You're a grown-ass woman who can make her own informed healthcare decisions!

I watched my dad commit slow suicide by knife and fork, dying of morbid obesity at 52. At 47 with a host of weight related health problems, I was headed there too! I finally decided I wasn't going out like that! You have a chance to change your life at 29! What an amazing gift!

[dandylion_23 5]

I was scared to death to tell my mom because I was afraid of her reaction. I told her the other day and immediately she got a negative tone. I shut her down and told her I needed her to listen. I explained the differences in the surgeries and then told her which I had chosen. I started crying as this is a very emotional subject for me and she now agrees that this is what needs to be done. I, like you, only have a handful of people I feel I can share with without negativity. My mom doesn't want to tell anyone either. Maybe she's embarrassed of me! Good luck! She'll come around!