Support...Struggling to be supportive!

[Sharon1964 2,530]

Though i do not think hes playing me, necessarily but yes there are days he absolutely needs to call the shots and days hes controlling-like.

Beware, I can be blunt.

As I read your story, my impression was that YOU were the one who was trying to control him. Don't get me wrong, the man has a boatload of issues, but that was my impression.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

ButterflyMiss, on 21 Jan 2015 - 08:04, said:

I have attempted counseling with him and he will not go and i will be attending alone, regardless. Im awaiting a listing from my insurance company.

Go anyway. You will learn whether you have it within you to stay or walk away from this relationship.

[Eclectick 129]

Wow, Paragraphs...Paragraphs...Paragraphs

I couldn't read it all, it was too much.

From what I read, and don't take this the wrong way...he has a journey and goal that he is trying to achieve..men don't care for women that are breathing down their backs...be supportive/loving but let him make his own decisions or I'm afraid you might scare him off.

Cook dinner at night and make a healthy meal, if he chooses not to eat then so be it...walk a mile in his shoes post op and perhaps you might get a sense of what "we" sleevers go through mentally.

This response was not meant to anger you, but perhaps relieve some of the pressure.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

Hahaha no no im not angry and really appreciate everyones input. I previously apologized for the lack of paragraphs but again, my apologies!

Just to clear some stuff up for everyone, I dont think im trying to control him, if I am i dont see how. My struggle with all of this is how he is acting differently towards me and treating me. These things started before his surgery but have only progressed. There are issues regardless which I am seeking counseling for. I will invite him with me but if he chooses not to, I will go myself. Regardless, its the transitions to how he used to relate to me and treat me to now that is my struggle: before vs after surgery, before vs after he moved in, etc.

I guess in a sense, i'd like to know from other sleevers or their supports who may be on here; i completely understand there will be changes in himself (self esteem, image, etc) but what do I do when those positive changes in him (which i dont dislike) are also equalling increased critism towards me? Is/has anyone else experienced this?

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

@@ButterflyMiss - I think you are too worried about him and not enough about you. You can't control him. You can't change him or his behavior. Get yourself in counseling and figure out why you are in this relationship and if you want to stay. The only person you can truly control is you. Asking untrained stranger to weigh in is not going to help you control, change or understand him.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

I absolutely want to stay and am not trying to control anyone. I'm trying to figure out how to navigate all of this new negativity between us, is all. Hopefully the counseling will help and hopefully he'll be willing to come too, at some point.

[Beni 1,484]

I am sorry but this journey is his to take and it's not really one that can be shared. All you can do is support with "that's great honey." Without counseling I would focus on activities that you both enjoy and do those together. It seems that you are both very food centered. Do things together that don't involve food. Even things you have not tried before. Place the focus where it needs to be - your relationship, not all this little stuff.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Phew! My two cents for what it's worth.

First, at the risk of seeming redundant. Girl....paragraphs. There is a little edit button at the bottom of your post. Go back and add some, please. I am sure readers are going cross eyed and missing much of your message -- I know I did.

I am NOT a therapist. My "qualifications" are this: I was sleeved 20 months ago, I've experienced the journey, I've been happily married for 20 years (in March), with my husband for 23. I know how it feels to gain/lose and I have seen negativity from spouses regarding this decision (my bestie, not me personally).

He didn't have to ask you permission to have surgery. He didn't need your approval. I didn't ask my husband his opinion on the surgery, I told him what I was doing and I opened the floor for him to voice his concerns and ask questions. His concerns had ZERO influence on me, but as he is the insurance holder and my life partner, I figured it would be wise to at least ease any fears and give him some time to think about what I was choosing to do. Fortunately (for him) he was (reservedly) supportive. If he hadn't been, he would have been sorely disappointed because I was having the surgery no matter what. FOR ME.

It's MY opinion (and you know what they say about those), that your insecurity about your own weight struggles are an underlying theme here. He's losing weight despite what you think are bad food choices and habits while you fight for each pound. You are on your own weight loss journey and you want support from him that he's not giving you. You know, the same support you really aren't giving him.

Bottom line? It's not about you, cupcake. Your journey belongs to you and his journey belongs to him. You said (something to the effect of) he is influencing your food choices and exercise habits pre and post op? WHY?? I am a grown woman and I assume you are as well. NO ONE puts food in my mouth or tells me when or how I am going to exercise but me. Don't blame your choices on him, that's an excuse.


In turn, what he is putting in his mouth, and how often, has nothing to do with you. I don't care if he asks you for your input, I don't care how many books you've read, it's NOT your business. You stated that his doctor's words aren't gold and that he is putting his doctor's opinions over yours? At the risk of sounding harsh, his doctor's words are MUCH more golden than yours and he should put those opinions first. That's why he (you?) shelled out the big bucks.

His goal weight is ALSO none of your business. You say you have his health in mind, but it sounds to me like you care more about his appearance and what you are attracted to. I won't believe for a minute that his doctor is trying to get him to a weight that is unhealthy. You say your man would be FINE at 250 pounds? For that weight to be healthy, he would have to be 7 feet tall. You say he is big boned and has a football build? Even at 6'4" he would still be obese at that weight. That's not healthy unless he is Arnold Schwarzenegger at his prime. His surgical team should have him in regularly for blood work and nutrition follow up. Worry about those numbers more than the number on the scale.

(For the record, I do NOT live and die by a BMI scale. I am at my personal goal and still in the overweight category by 7 or 8 pounds, but I am muscular and have very low body fat. I also have about 5-7 pounds of skin that's wiggly and could be removed but I don't care enough to do anything about it. I am NOT, however, OBESE.)

As for the financial. You are making the (unwise!?!?) choice to support him. You aren't married. That's a whole notha' topic, not one that is any of MY business. It's also one I can tell you that I wouldn't give you any positive feedback if you were my friend or sister.

[Tori Loukas 52]

I say go for the counseling asap. Like BlerdGirl said above, professional advice is called for here. Our advice won't really cut the mustard, so to speak! All I can add is: Go with the flow. The changes are gonna happen no matter what. In the meantime, let his criticism roll off your back and try not to take it personally because it's his stuff he's working through and some of it is spilling onto you is all. Concentrate on whether YOU want to stay. Really think about it. Being on your own is likely better than being with an emotionally abusive partner. You owe it to yourself to consider why you are there. The criticism may not just be a growth phase. You need to talk to a counselor or therapist because that's about all the advice you will be able to get here. A counselor will give you cognitive and therapeutic techniques you can't get here.

Good Luck!

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Oh! And if you are indeed a therapist, you should know plenty of people in your own network you can talk to. I think you know you need to.

[amponder 396]

I agree with those suggesting marriage counseling or couples therapy, the one thing I want to adress for you a bit, is you being against surgery after he has tried and failed and tried and failed. If he could make those diets work for him and maintain, he would have done it by now, he is 30, I wish i could have done it when I was 30, think of how much longer you will get to enjoy him when his health issues are resolved. I am 38 and Got heavy around the time I hit 21 losing weight and gaining it back is my specialty, WLS can be a big motivator in keeping the weight off because you've gone through all this trouble even risking your life a bit to lose weight, most people do not have surgery unless they are serious about losing the weight. As for your finacial issues I won't speak to those, I understand your frustrations there, and that's the main reason I say I agree with couples therapy. Good luck.

[samuelsmom 670]

I think you have gotten a lot of good feedback on this thread. I agree with everyone else that professional help would be a great benefit. If one of my younger friends was in this situation here is the suggestions I would have:

1) Don't say anything about his weight or surgery except encouragement. From what I read it only leads to a fight, so don't do it.

2) Don't take the "bait" when he criticizes. In other words, if he says something about your workout, say "thanks for sharing."

3) Reconsider your living arrangements. IMO you are both too close and need some space to sort this all out

4) Read the book "Crucial Conversations" It gives great tips.

Good Luck to you.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I had a hard time following all of the original post, but I can share a very short story that i think is relevant. I have had two significant relationships in my life. i married my high school sweetheart and divorced him in my early 30s. Then I connected with a man who i never married but who lived with me over a decade and was stepdad to my kids. Two very different men but they had one thing in common - I financially supported the whole lot.

Don't wait till your 50 to decide you deserve to be with someone who "pulls his own weight" on the finance front. for myself, single again and not really loving all aspects of single life, I still would not go back to being taken advantage of financially - I would rather be alone.

[ButterflyMiss 10]

Please dont get me wrong, I never said I am or was against the surgery, I said I had 'wished' he would have chose other options first. I ONLY stated that b/c since I have known him, he was successful with dieting, exercising, weight loss programs etc but he would stop them because he wanted quicker results.

I completely understand this is HIS journey and I'm fine with that. I am not at all trying to impede on that, again my concerns is how he now is relating to me, food, our life, etc. also as I mentioned I am concerned about how he appears to be becoming obsessed with aspects of this, such as constantly weighing himself, daily.

I get the feeling some people here are not understanding how I meant my initial thread and concern and I apologize if it was due to how I worded it, lack of paragraphing, etc. All I am trying to gain insight on is HOW to go about supporting him when all his new changes in his journey are negatively impacting us, as a couple. I am not here to discuss me, alone. I am trying my best to support him but it seems however I try, it's not making things any better. I don't feel its right to be an idle bystander but maybe thats what he needs.

I was trying to give everyone a full picture of what I'm going through, in my eyes/mind. My struggle is solely that its getting harder and harder for me to support this and be supportive to him, when he is quickly becoming cold and callous towards me. Like I said, this is not solely about his WLS as some started when he moved in and that I will deal with 1:1 with a therapist. I'm simply here to TRY to further understand what I can do, if anything, and how to do it.

Where do the spouses and such go for some support with this process? I commend everyone for making a decision to do WLS surgery, I truly do. But as the spouse, it is difficult to adjust for me as well, and I do not want that to turn into me turning a blind eye and then I'm really not being supportive to him. I have read a lot online and I know I am not the only 'support' who struggles with this aspect of his journey and lifestyle change.

We should be supporting each other and someone above hit it on the head; I'm not getting the support I need from him (and maybe not giving support, despite my tries), but I am trying to learn what it is I can do. It's hard to stay positive with this journey for him, when yes I am in my own journey too, but if I share my achievements or struggles his respons to me is now 'well, why don't you go have the surgery, too?'. How is that something that will not evoke negativity in me? But when he shares his struggles and concerns, I can be supportive. Not to mention, I am about 35/45lbs overweight and can I do the WLS, im sure, but I'm choosing not to, the same way he chose to. There are also major differences, medically for us and many factors. Regardless, to each their own.

Am I making this any clearer?! I just feel like some of these responses are taking my concerns way out of context and if I can clear it up, I will. I'm just trying to see and hear and outreach to people who have gone through this, to figure out how I can navigate all of this with him, even though its his process and journey.

Lastly, to clear up my last piece; I did not get upset that he didnt tell me about deciding on the surgery, all I was upset about was that he failed to share with me his thoughts and decisions, not that he needed my approval. We're an open, engaged couple...I dont think it's too much to ask, to be informed about a major life change my future hubby was planning to make. Disagree or not and for whatever reasons, I never tried to approve or disapprove it, or talk him out of it. And though its his decision and process, it does change things btw us related to food and not, all I wanted with regard to that, was the mutual respect of being informed and involved, not for approval.

I mean hell, we finally go to the gym together and thats awesome and I love it! But before his surgery, its something we never did together but I did on my own...good, bad, indifferent, small, big...it's still a change between us, as a couple.

[peki31 37]

I had a hard time reading it all so I'll just address a few things from my perspective. I have thought about having WLS for years. Did other diets along the way. None were successful. My DH supported me through those and never told me that I couldn't follow through. I decided to have WLS. I was overweight when we met, I was overweight when we got married and throughout our marriage. He loved me exactly like I was. The surgery was my decision for myself, he never tried to talk me out of it. The only thing he said was "if you are doing it for me, then reconsider". I was doing it for me. He asked me if I wanted him to go to appointments with me, I didn't. I wanted to do as much alone as possible. Just needed to know that if I did need him, he was there. And he was.

The night before surgery, I was terrified of going in. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my DH reacted the way that you did and tried to convince me not to go through it. He is supposed to be my rock, and if he acted that way, I would have been heartbroken.

It's only been almost 6 weeks since my surgery, but I won't lie, I talk about myself a lot. I tell him how much I lost, how little I ate or ask him if I look thinner. I only do this with him, no one else. It's an exciting thing for me to be losing weight and looking and feeling better. If I couldn't talk to him about it, I would feel lost.

Don't push him to be involved more that he wants or needs from you. He knows what he needs to do, let him do it.