How to forgive someone?

[mrsto 2,925]

@@My Bariatric Life - It feels to me that the ongoing hurt is a little of both; forgiving him, and not completely forgiving yourself. Aside from that, whatever caused this disruption in your relationship is unfortunate. I think that's a piece of it too. No matter how Enlightened we become as seekers of a better life (all facets), we're still human. Sometimes, it's just hard to let go. If he isn't willing to reengage with you, back off, even though you have the best of intentions. His perception of the event is different than yours, and you have to let it be. It will take time for the hurt from this to fade a bit. If the relationship is meant to be, you will reconnect at some point in time.

Edited January 7, 2015 by mrsto

[GreenEyes604 753]

What screws us up most in life is the picture we have in our head of how things are supposed to be. Sounds to me sweetheart like it's time for you to get out your camera and take a new picture.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

What screws us up most in life is the picture we have in our head of how things are supposed to be. Sounds to me sweetheart like it's time for you to get out your camera and take a new picture.

Not in this relationship do I linger on "what should have been." But there is another relationship in which I have come to realize that what should have been shall never be. So thanks for that. I like the visual of taking a new picture.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@LumpySpacePrincess Oh, Princess, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. So sorry. And how you have grown from it! Very impressive! I, too like to think in the vegetable world! I see people as either onions, or apples. You can peel away the layers of an onion, peel, peel away. You will never find a core, only tears. Now an apple, you will not only find a core under that sometimes tough peel, you will also find it sweet. Sometimes tart-sweet, but sweet nevertheless.....

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@My Bariatric Life - It feels to me that the ongoing hurt is a little of both; forgiving him, and not completely forgiving yourself. Aside from that, whatever caused this disruption in your relationship is unfortunate. I think that's a piece of it too. No matter how Enlightened we become as seekers of a better life (all facets), we're still human. Sometimes, it's just hard to let go. If he isn't willing to reengage with you, back off, even though you have the best of intentions. His perception of the event is different than yours, and you have to let it be. It will take time for the hurt from this to fade a bit. If the relationship is meant to be, you will reconnect at some point in time.

I like where your head is at, mrsto. I am grateful for getting back in touch with my spirituality. I'd much rather come at the world from a place of love than fear. The world needs more love; it would solve a lot of problems. I have not felt this way I feel in a very long time. I had buried myself under layers of fat to keep from feeling my deep feelings of love because sometimes I just hurt more than I could bear. Now I believe that I am growing into a state of emotional maturity where I can be the loving person that I am, express my feelings without fear of being judged or rejected, and deal with the pain in ways that are not harmful to me (i.e. without over eating). That said, I believe, as does Rev. Mark, that sometimes relationships that are "meant to be" do not happen; that is free will.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@LumpySpacePrincess you are very wise with high emotional intelligence. A mentor long ago told me that she practices the rule of presumed innocence when I asked her how do I deal with some people. Presume the person doesn't know that they are <insert emotion here "hurting" "insulting" etc> you intentionally. Then you can start to detach your emotions from the situation and see the person in a different light.

[JWheel1989 21]

Someone said that it is the people you love who hurt you the most, and I agree full heartedly with this. I have people in my life who sometimes hurt me, just as I sometimes hurt them, but these things happen and they don't upset me because I know that everyone makes mistakes, myself included. I think it is much harder when someone intentionally tries to hurt you and doesn't feel remorse for what they do, or they hurt you and honestly don't believe that they have done anything wrong. I don't think anyone tries to purposely be bad, or 'evil'. I think we all see things differently, and we react differently. When we are hurt its hard to see the issue from that other persons perspective. Personally I would rather try and forgive, because hatred is really just wasted energy, it only hurts me. And if they did something really terrible I would rather just move on and let go than torture myself thinking about it anymore. It is much harder to forgive, but its healthier in the long run. It took me a long time to get myself to think this way, and a hell of a lot of tears, but I feel so much better for it

[joatsaint 2,814]

Quite by accident, I found that writing a letter to the person (I never sent it!) outlining how I felt and how I felt I was wronged made me feel much better. Once I had released it into the universe, much of the anger and frustration went away.

I got past the need to repatriations and I no longer cared about what had happened.

I'm now trying to live by this motto:

Lessons from my dog - When life gives you hardships, just kick some sand over that sh*t and move on.

[BarnGirlWK 98]

I'm not sure who first said "Forgive and Forget", but I do not buy into that mantra at all.

Forgiveness is something you do for yourself. It is a gift "to you" "from you". The other party need not even know you've forgiven them. Forgiving someone, even if they have not asked for forgiveness, releases you so that you are no longer hanging on to the way in which you were wronged.

But, there is a lesson there, and the lesson is important to not forget. So, maybe "Forgive and Don't Forget the Lesson" is more like it, for me.

But if you truly have forgiven someone, move on.

Perhaps the lesson was that you cannot trust that person with personal information about yourself. Or you cannot rely on that person to keep a secret or a confidence. Or you know that that person will not be there for you in a way that you need. Or you cannot be with that person in certain situations. These are all lessons that take experience to acquire. "Gently" remind yourself of the lesson, and carry on.

Do it for you.

[lisacaron 5,075]

I have read many responses here that say Forgive but don't forget...and I think that is where we keep holding on to the hurt and maybe even making it worse then the actual offense.

Yes there is a lesson here, but there are lessons everywhere in good things as well as bad. When you forgive someone for something you need to forget about it to move on. If you keep telling yourself that you have forgiven but you have not forgotten have you truly forgiven?

It's impossible because somewhere you are still remembering and harboring the feelings of hurt and pain. They may be buried deep down among the piles of forgiveness you have covered it with but it is still there festering like the potato in the pocket someone wrote about because you have not forgotten.

When we truly forgive and forget we are able to let go of the hurt. We are able to dissociate ourselves from the bad feelings about or toward that person; that behavior or ourselves. It becomes part of our past. We have learned and we have grown stronger in the experience of it. That does not mean that we need to keep harboring the thoughts of it to learn our lesson. If you refuse to forget you are still nailing yourself and your loved one to that proverbial cross every time you revisit it and experiencing the pain of it over and over again.

If you take this saying literally Forgive & Forget here are the definitions of both words.

Forgive:

To give up resentment against or stop wanting to punish (someone) for an offense or fault; pardon.

Forget:

To treat with thoughtless inattention; To banish from one's thoughts.

Makes sense doesn't' it?

It is in this way that we are removed of the burden that causes us to feel guilty or ill willed about an event or behavior that we have experienced. We can never un-live or un-learn it but we can choose to forgive, let go and forget.

Of course this is much easier said then done In forgetting we are relinquishing our need for control of ourselves and others.

I like this saying also when it comes to forgetting and letting go...when all else fails. Let go and Let God.

Give it over to a higher power, (what ever that is in your life) take a deep breath and know that you have done your best.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

Quite by accident, I found that writing a letter to the person (I never sent it!) outlining how I felt and how I felt I was wronged made me feel much better. Once I had released it into the universe, much of the anger and frustration went away.

I got past the need to repatriations and I no longer cared about what had happened.

I'm now trying to live by this motto:

Lessons from my dog - When life gives you hardships, just kick some sand over that sh*t and move on.

I don't know the circumstances of your situation but for myself it is important to make reparations. Yes, I think it is good to journal your feelings, or write a letter telling the person they suck and never sending that one, etc. Hemingway said to write long and hard about what hurts, and counselors also recommend writing as a tool for coping with difficulties. Oftentimes you can learn a lot about yourself through writing about your feelings and processing what happened.

However, I think a letter should be sent, or even better a conversation had, in which the opening for healing is created. If the person mattered to you to begin with then that love does not die; it just gets buried under the hurt. It can be unburied again. Of course it takes both parties to unbury it. You cannot control what the other person will do, so if you choose to try to heal the relationship you cannot hold onto the outcome, because that person may not be at the emotional level of maturity to let go, or be able to focus on your needs and your pain rather than their own. But at least you will know that you tried your best. And maybe, just maybe, the relationship will be mended... if not then, than maybe down the road.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

Someone said that it is the people you love who hurt you the most, and I agree full heartedly with this. I have people in my life who sometimes hurt me, just as I sometimes hurt them, but these things happen and they don't upset me because I know that everyone makes mistakes, myself included. I think it is much harder when someone intentionally tries to hurt you and doesn't feel remorse for what they do, or they hurt you and honestly don't believe that they have done anything wrong. I don't think anyone tries to purposely be bad, or 'evil'. I think we all see things differently, and we react differently. When we are hurt its hard to see the issue from that other persons perspective. Personally I would rather try and forgive, because hatred is really just wasted energy, it only hurts me. And if they did something really terrible I would rather just move on and let go than torture myself thinking about it anymore. It is much harder to forgive, but its healthier in the long run. It took me a long time to get myself to think this way, and a hell of a lot of tears, but I feel so much better for it

I think that the only people who we can be hurt by emotionally are the ones that we love. After all, we all own our own feelings, and they are activated differently based on how we feel towards a person.

I agree. It is hard to see the issue from someone else's side. But if we apply enough love to it, I believe that we can see past the shell and to the essence of the person. This is where we can begin to see their pain. It virtually always takes two. That person, unless a psychopath, has feelings just like we do. S/he may have been hurt by something we said or did even if we did not mean it in a hurtful way. And so starts the cycle of emotional responses based on underlying hurt.

Both parties may feel wronged. Both parties probably feel some remorse over what happened. Both parties will get to a point where they mourn the loss of the relationship. Someone has to be strong enough to take the first step in mending the relationship, and hopefully the other person reciprocates. Understanding what went wrong and having someone say sincerely "I am sorry" can go a long way in healing, and can even deepen the relationship.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

@@lisacaron well written, Lisa. I agree completely. Thanks for sharing!!!

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Most people are doing the best they can right now. One day, they may (or may not) do better.

That is all.

Yearning after what they might have done or what they might do in the future is wallowing in regret and rejecting an authentic life.

What IS is what's authentic.

Accept the change you didn't expect.

Incorporate that change into your life.

And move on.

[anaxila 501]

I don't know the origins of this particular pearl of wisdom, but I find it helpful: "Forgive others not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." It's in line with the Tony Robbins wisdom: "Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself." And another related idea, this one usually misattributed to Buddha: "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die".

They all get at the same thought - forgiveness and letting go are crucial to your own healing. I don't know how you do it, you just... do. I remember being amazed that a good friend was able to forgive her father for sexually abusing her as a child, to the point where they could have a relationship to benefit her mother in her final days. I am still astonished at her capacity for forgiveness, and was ashamed to acknowledge that I was hanging on to petty grievances on nowhere near that scale. I don't know how she did it, but I know she felt it was necessary to get past it in order to continue forward.

There are some good books on this topic that might help if there are particular actions you're having trouble forgiving. I know it takes practice and commitment, just like any hard thing.