How to forgive someone?

[My Bariatric Life 764]

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” ~Mahatma Gandhi

Many of us are or have been emotional eaters, an attempt to soothe our souls with food, maybe grow a physical buffer of fat to insulate us from the emotional assault. Now that you have had WLS no longer can you turn to food in times of crisis. How do you forgive someone when every Fiber of your being resists? How do you look at them lovingly when you still have the memory of their unloving action? How do you let go of the way you wish things had worked out if only they made a different choice? After all, no one is purely bad, and everyone carries their own pain which influences the decisions they make. This doesn’t condone their thoughtless, insensitive, or selfish decisions, but it makes them easier to understand.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I don't forgive or forget, lol. I am tolerant of those who happen to still be around and who have wronged me, but for the most part I eliminate them from my life. The only person I am worried about forgiving is myself and frankly, to hell with anyone else.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

How did you forgive yourself?

I don't forgive or forget, lol. I am tolerant of those who happen to still be around and who have wronged me, but for the most part I eliminate them from my life. The only person I am worried about forgiving is myself and frankly, to hell with anyone else.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I think Gandhi's quote says it.

How can you forgive when you feel so disappointed and hurt - but that's a heavy load to carry and I find I am punishing myself more than all others when I stay there for very long. I get stronger by letting go but need to have the strength to do it.

While it doesn't excuse another's poor treatment of me (or you or anyone), I find taking responsibility for my contribution to the"problem" helps me get a bit past it.

[Tricia_H 20]

You take it one day at a time. Forgiveness is not easy ... and I don't give it out often.

You have to decide if that person & situation actually deserve to be forgiven. Whether they will do this again, or something worse.

Keep in mind, you don't have to forgive them. But you have to find a way to forgive yourself for falling for their bull. We are human, and want to see the best in others. It hurts to know someone you trusted did something to betray that valuable item you gave them. You learn to be more cautious, and learn that even you make mistakes (even if you don't forgive them).

Good luck

[Elode 8,093]

@@My Bariatric Life For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Matthew 6:14 , that's how! If you don't believe than I guess you just have to suck it up and forgive them even its for yourself and piece of mind.

Edited January 6, 2015 by Elode

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Forgiveness is far easier than forgetting, and forgiving can be the hardest thing you'll ever do. When you forgive someone, you release. You release the person(s) involved, and you release yourself from the sadness, anger, hate which all contribute to very harmful effects on YOU. Now, I agree with Elode, and believe as she does. But God did not make us stupid. Do NOT allow the same wrongs to happen to you again. Learn from the past, and carry on.

[IcanMakeit 1,319]

I believe that when I hold on to anger and bitterness, that I am hurting myself more than the person who wronged me. So for me, forgiveness is in my own best interest. However, that doesn't mean I will forget the wrong. And in the future I am less likely to give my trust to that person.

[Healthy_life2 8,330]

@@My Bariatric Life

I choose not to let other peoples negativity effect me. It is truly their own problem. Life is far to short. I keep the positive supportive people around me. I take the high road and move on with life. When others are out to tear people down why would you invest any energy either way with them? Forgiving is for yourself.

[scstxrn 213]

I don't hate - but I don't 'forgive' easily either, if forgiving means letting you put me in a position where you can do it again.. I just kind of relegate them to the irrelevant list. I'll still interact and be polite, and help you if I can - but I assume that if you've done it once you'll do it again... so, for example, if you don't pay me back the $20 I loaned you, I can't loan you any more money. I'm not mad.. just not stupid.

On the other hand.. I forgive my husband for forgetting stuff all the time, but I try to avoid giving him important things to remember - like picking the kids up or dropping off the rent check... 'cause he forgets.

[LezzieLez 180]

I forgive - never forget. And as I forgive them, I release them. I cannot live my life wondering if they will do it again. Plus, I am a pretty open, cool, and don't intentionally hurt people and don't feel that someone who intentionally hurt me deserves me in their life.

Honest mistake? Ok - but to hurt me intentionally? To make a decision knowing that it would hurt me? I'm good..

[mrsto 2,925]

Depending on "who, what, where, why", I may forgive, but I NEVER forget. There are so many variables as to circumstances, so I don't think there is a defined answer; only what feels best for you with that particular person.

Though I have a deep capacity to understand someones background, and what may drive them to do and say the things they do, it doesn't mean that I have to stick around a toxic environment. I can understand; maybe have a little compassion. But that doesn't mean that I need to be around it. It all depends who the person is to you; were they in a bad place for a period of time, or is this simply the way they are? You have to trust your gut and perception.

As the old saying goes.... "Hurt me once, shame on you. Hurt me twice, shame on me".

[Babbs 14,681]

"Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die"--Buddha

I'm just not going to give the other person that power. That's why I forgive. Period.

[LumpySpacePrincess 594]

I have a very emotionally abusive, controlling ex-husband. His abuse was one of the reasons I let my binge eating disorder run rampant until I was well over 300 pounds. He would call me up and yell at me, telling me I was the reason he was late to work because I asked him a question before he left (nevermind that he'd left an hour late to begin with), or yelled at me that I was hiding the things he was looking for or throwing them away (I wasn't). After awhile, I started to realize all the insults and abuse he was throwing at me wasn't even about me, it was about how he felt he was so fragile he couldn't take responsibility for anything he did or his entire self concept would crumble into nothing.

I thought about this for a long time, and thought about how utterly miserable he must be within himself for him to lash out at others like that. Then I just felt sad for him, that he has to walk through life with the burden of such misery, how every day must be so difficult to walk around seething with such anger and hurt and depression.

Forgiveness for him wasn't an instant action. It took a long time after my realizations to really forgive him. It came in bits and pieces, and yes there were even times I took forgiveness back. After all, my emotions about the situation were still valid, and I was allowed to have them. The difference was I no longer allowed my feelings about my past to dictate how I lived in the future. To me, not forgiving him would have been like carrying around a daily reminder of his abuse for the rest of my life.

Think about it like this: carrying around negative emotions towards others is like putting a potato in your coat pocket. At first its hard and smooth and you don't mind sharing space with it. But what happens when its been there for a few months? It starts to grow eyes and take up more space, then it gets soft and starts to smell. As it continues to rot, it turns to mush and has now permeated the fabric of your coat, soaking through the layers and ruining everything around it. You want to stick your hand in your pocket to get warm but all you feel is stinky mush.

Throw the potato away before it turns to mush and you'll be much happier.

[My Bariatric Life 764]

I find that something truly hurts only if I love the person. And in this context I am talking about big hurts, not the ordinary kind. And we hurt each other, more than once. It was very protracted. But I felt that what he did to me was very very unfair and the retaliation was not equal to the hurt I caused him. This was not a romance but an important relationship to me. Sorry to be vague but I love the person and I have forgiven him, so I will not talk about him. Otherwise those negative feelings will begin to assault my tender heart again.

I tried to repair the relationship but he did not respond to my kindness. I waited. I waited some more. Then I grew depressed. I began to emotionally eat but I soon enough snapped myself out of that. Then I grew angry that he had been so unkind, so unloving, so unforgiving, so selfish, so < fill in the blank >.And I was going to hurt him back.

During this time I had been working on spiritual growth (I still am, actually). I wondered why this had happened? What was I supposed to learn from it? I don't believe in "I wish" statements. To me that is powerlessness. We cannot change the past. But we don't have to keep putting it in our present and ruining our future. We have the power to create our own destiny. So I did the work.

I met with a spiritual leader. I meditated (guided meditation). I read books, online articles, and did some journaling. I prayed to have the Holy Spirit fill me with love. And all of the sudden I could not hurt this person back. And I did not understand it at first because I have always been the type of person to get justice (not revenge, justice). I still believed with every Fiber of my being that what this person did was so very wrong and yet I was unable to hurt him back. And my spiritual leader explained it to me. He said that my soul loved his soul and that was the deepest love there is because I was sacrificing something gf myself for what was best for him.

I want to stay in this place of love. But this still hurts. I don't know if that is because I have not forgiven him or if I have not forgiven myself.