Single ladies! Dating?

[duooptichrome 32]

I know I'm only 10 days postop, but this is something I've been thinking a lot about.

My friends are very worried that since most of my past dating has been online, that I'm going to meet people who only want me for my body but would have bypassed my profile when I was/am heavy. Now I know I'm not desperate or shallow enough to fall for men who are only after one thing and I have learned a lot over the years, but I was just wondering what are some people's advice with dating after surgery?

I know it's going to be hard and I wish I had found someone who loved me for me before I started this journey... Thoughts? Advice? Stories?

[bobbyswife 862]

Just stay grounded. When you lose the weight you will be on cloud 9 and LOVING the attention. And, that can be a good thing as long as you keep your head on straight. Stay strong in the characteristics you are looking for in a partner and stick with that. Find someone who is loving and compassionate and accepts people of all shapes and sizes. Most importantly, fall in love with your new self FIRST. Don't ever date before you do that critical step. After my divorce I had to take almost 2 years away from dating in order to fall back in love with the person that I was. When I met my husband I was stronger emotionally than I had ever been. He loves me for me and never compromises that. But, I would have been useless to him if I didn't respect myself.

[pjpanda 129]

You know, I'm right there with you. That was one of the reasons I resisted this surgery in the past, I want a guy to like me for you I am and not my amazingly killer body (Hey, I will have one eventually) I'm not currently dating someone but I do have a potential guy who likes me for who I am and doesn't care about my weight.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am going to make a counter argument. I CARE about a potential partner/boyfriends health and fitness, so why shouldn't he? i do think we are entitled to unconditional love in a real committed relationship, but doesn't mean I choose to date men that are unfit/unhealthy. I am not a "fat hater" but i do choose to surround myself with active, fit people in general. Actually, I did that even pre sleeve.... I love an active lifestyle and am thrilled that I can lead the pack now rather than barely keep up(sometimes could not participate in things due to my obesity).

I have shared before but I am not crazy about online dating.I think alot of it is my age, as alot of the guys online have been doing it forwever, claim they want a relationship but are either so jaded or whatever - aren't really good relationship material. I know there are many exceptions, but I have hit alot of guys with big "issues" with women.

Men pick you based at least somewhat on looks no matter what, but the online thing adds all these other "factual" dimensions like your hobbies, kind of music you like etc. i feel like most of that doesn't even matter, it is compatibility. I gave up online dating a few months ago. I am seeing one guy mostly, but we haven't declared exlusive yet... and I get asked out alot more now. It is like I finally figured out how to manever through the social dance of getting asked out.

Anyway, the easy way to weed out the ones who only want sex is to not put yourself in position where that becomes a viable option until you are really ready. Meaning, dates are out to dinner, not staying in to cook.... until you are sure this is what YOU want. Of course, i seemed to have the opposite problem, guys in their late 50s not so into sex anymore - personally I think that should be mandatory disclosure on those stupid profiles...ha!

[AvaFern 3,516]

I can see your concerns, but what's so bad about being wanted for your body? Realistically, the very first reason anyone is interestedin you is based on your appearance. If you met a wonderful man who was very overweight, would you really be as interested if he was the same man in a healthy body? I'll be honest, I would not be. I've worked very hard to be the size that I am and I am completely fine with men looking at me and wondering what I look like naked (which p.s. let's hope what they picture is better than the reality, lol). I know who I am and I know the type of man I like having in my life- that hasn't changed from where I am now and where I was 100 pounds ago, except now I have a lot more options available to me than I did when I was larger. It's like putting your house on the market...can you really blame the perfect buyer for not being interested if you don't update the kitchen and vaccum the floors? Weight loss is like cleaning house...if you want the best options, looking the best is how you get them. It isn't fair, but what's the phrase...don't hate the player, hate the game.

[duooptichrome 32]

Thank you all!! Very good insights. I just know it's something that will be something I'll have to face at some point.

[bormannk 40]

I just can't seem to do well with the online dating, although it makes sense. I am not necesserely looking for a relationship, but just to get out there, since I haven't dated in about 5 years... yeah.. LOL The whole dating scene freaks me out - but I am totally ready to take the leap, take chances and reconnect with a part of me I haven't connected with for a minute.. And I do believe I would prefer something light and casual and not to dive into a major relationship. Gotta relearn how to bike before you enter the tour of France!

[bikrchk 1,313]

Do stay grounded. Online dating was not a thing when I dated more than 20 years ago, but I gotta say, it's been FUN! I spent the last 6 months "volume dating"... Meeting as many people as I could, not taking it too seriously, not getting too deeply involved with any ONE person and It. Was. Fun! But exhausting. I've kinda settled down with just one for the time being and that transition from my phone blowing up all the time to a normal relationship was interesting. Kinda felt like there was a small hole there where all that "attention" was for the week after I hid my profiles. But life is good right now. Feels like I got a little bit of "normal" for the first time in a long time!

And you know what, some men will want you for your body no matter what. Some will look for a deeper connection. When you're first meeting someone, I think the assessment of "is there chemistry"? is going to happen, (it needs to happen) no matter what, and it's okay. Compatibility is a "total package". I like him because he's a bonafide hero, a badass firefighter, with an education, principles, a good heart and bad boy biker spirit. He likes me because I'm educated, have a "fine" a$$ and biker chick spirit among other things. I LIKE that he "looks" and thinks I'm beautiful, (relaxed fit skin and all). It makes my still very present body image issues melt away! He's recently lost 50 pounds (diet and exercise) and likes that I start my day with exercise and a Protein shake because it inspires him to make better choices too. It may be vain, I'm not sure how interested I'd have been in him 50 pounds ago when the most exercise he got was lifting 12oz at a time. I need someone who can keep up with me on and off the bike!

So don't fear your soon to be beautiful bod! Embrace it! But do try to stay grounded. It IS a jungle out there! But jungle surfing can be fun!