Just found out my husband is trying to cheat!

[lisacaron 5,075]

Could be the other woman doesn't know he's married???

I'm 90% sure she knew

I'm sure she did know. She also doesn't care. It's not her problem he's married and she's got her sight set on him. She may not even "want" him, but is just one of those people who always wants what they can't have and are willing to destroy anything on their way to getting it only to discard it once they have it.

The big key here is to find out why your husband feels that he needs to turn to someone else, and to see if you can mend the communication and lack of trust that has come from this.

As you said this is not the first time, but it is time to get to the root of it. As for this woman, leave her out of it. She only has as much influence on you and your husband as you and he allow her to. Using her name or any other person who he texts name is only giving them more power to push you further apart.

Find out what's wrong between you and your husband that is your main objective.

[KeeWee 470]

Wow, this was one of my fears. I'm sure it's not all on the weightloss, if you've been married that long with a family with this man, there must be other issues for this not to be the first time.

It doesnt make him a monster, humans make mistakes and bad choices, also sometimes we just do things in the heat of the moment on impulse. Another thing can be when a man is use to being the center of attention in your life and then you begin to pay more attention to yourself and your needs and goals, they can sometime stray...no excuse but work on understanding why and what he was looking for and dont throw away that man that you invested your time and emotions into....seek the counseling together preferably and see how it goes.

But this is no random guy, this is your husband, show him why he has an exceptional wife by giving him the chance to redeem himself, everyone deserves another chance but get to the root of the problem....Good Luck, I've been with my husband for 18 years and I fear him not liking me smaller, he loves my size but says he supports the decision. But this is for me and he will show his true colors when the time presents itself.

[NMJG 1,266]

Honey, I'm sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

[BladeFox 235]

I wouldn't say kick him to the curb, but I would ask some questions. Marriage is worth salvaging, and working on to understand what truly is going on. You also need to ask yourself if you contributed to it. Not saying that he is cheating or if he is cheating that it was your fault. A cheat is a cheat that made the decision to cheat.

Just as it is hard work to keep a marriage, it is hard work to fix one too. Do you due diligence and inquire to see if it is innocent or malicious before you move to next steps.

Good luck!

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Through counselling you need to know if this texting is your husband's way of letting you know your relationship needs fixed or whether she is a parachute - a way for him to get out of your relationship even if he has no intention of going to her.

That's what my ex did. I describe it as him road testing her or "try before you buy" to see if he wanted her more than me. He did all the texting, sneaking around like love's young dream and she encouraged him all the way. So when I asked him to leave after we had exhausted all possibilities for staying together (primarily because he sank every opportunity he was given), he couldn't believe it. But then it was her turn to be shocked because once he left me, he didn't go to her. He had used her as a parachute, a way to escape because he was too much of a coward to leave off his own bat.

I wish you well, I hope you get the outcome you want....

Edited March 6, 2014 by Indigo1991

[Skywalker 170]

:/ he texting another woman after 12 years together and 4 kids!!!!!!!

That sucks. I probably don't need to remind you at this juncture to take care of yourself, your body, and not overeat. The last time I had a depression, I gained almost 100 lbs (that I can't get off), which has led me to where I am today--WLS.

[Niterd 12]

Since I had surgery every crazy situation that could occur has! Some things are just life, but other things are providence. I believe that some of the relational issues that have popped up have done so because I needed to see and accept the truth, rather than trying to medicate the dysfunction with an extra porkchop and extra potatoes.

Perhaps this is your opportunity to see and accept the truth about your husband's character. I am not saying run out on emotion and call the attorneys, I am saying really look at the situation for what it is and decide how you are going to respond. However you respond, don't negotiate with your self esteem, and your integrity---that's what kept us fat for so long. Respond in such a way that celebrates a new way of thinking...whether your divorce him or not; you don't have to tolerate infidelity, and I believe you deserve better than that.

I am praying for you...and standing with you, that together we will no longer tolerate abuse in any form.

[BellaHugz 331]

Through counselling you need to know if this texting is your husband's way of letting you know your relationship needs fixed or whether she is a parachute - a way for him to get out of your relationship even if he has no intention of going to her.

That's what my ex did. I describe it as him road testing her or "try before you buy" to see if he wanted her more than me. He did all the texting, sneaking around like love's young dream and she encouraged him all the way. So when I asked him to leave after we had exhausted all possibilities for staying together (primarily because he sank every opportunity he was given), he couldn't believe it. But then it was her turn to be shocked because once he left me, he didn't go to her. He had used her as a parachute, a way to escape because he was too much of a coward to leave off his own bat.

I wish you well, I hope you get the outcome you want....

I agree with this post. Often the reason a man cheats or gets caught trying to cheat is they want the easy way out.They do not want to look like the bad guy who asked for the divorce so they take the easy way out unaware of the colaterial damage that will happen regarding your children and your heart along the way.

I have a feeling you already knew the signs and the texts you found were just confirmation on what you knew deep down inside. Make sure you seek proper counsel and legal counsel as well. Be wise and take care of yourself and your children.

I am so sorry you have to go through this and pray you will have the widom to find the answers and the strenght to face the problems that need to be faced to get through this and the courage to keep going no matter what.

Hugz

[parisshel 1,892]

My first husband (we married very young) could never keep it in his pants. I had very low self-esteem and stayed with him, putting myself through several years of always doubting where he was, checking his pants pockets for phone numbers on matchbook covers (you can tell this was long ago, in the early 80s...yes, I'm old) and making myself sick, pacing the floors of our apartment at 2am when he was still out.

I had such a horrible view of myself, and thought this was all I was worth, no one else would ever love me, etc etc. It took him getting my best friend (at the time) pregnant before I filed for divorce.

What a waste of my youth. Thankfully I was young enough to start over, work on myself and find real adult love ultimately.

I can't remember who said it but "You get the love you think you deserve" is something I think about each and every day. For me, staying with that horrible cheating worthless piece of shit first husband said so much more about me than it did about him.

I have no idea what ever became of him, but I pity the woman he ended up with, if there ever was one.

Remember this: You get the love you think you deserve.

[parisshel 1,892]

Since I had surgery every crazy situation that could occur has! Some things are just life, but other things are providence. I believe that some of the relational issues that have popped up have done so because I needed to see and accept the truth, rather than trying to medicate the dysfunction with an extra porkchop and extra potatoes.

Perhaps this is your opportunity to see and accept the truth about your husband's character. I am not saying run out on emotion and call the attorneys, I am saying really look at the situation for what it is and decide how you are going to respond. However you respond, don't negotiate with your self esteem, and your integrity---that's what kept us fat for so long. Respond in such a way that celebrates a new way of thinking...whether your divorce him or not; you don't have to tolerate infidelity, and I believe you deserve better than that.

I am praying for you...and standing with you, that together we will no longer tolerate abuse in any form.

THIS.

[luckyknickers57 62]

He doesn't want to go to therapy! He says I don't need them telling me what I already know! Really!!!! Ugh

So sorry to hear your sad news. Take your time Hun, no knee jerk reactions.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

If he crosses that line and physically cheats on you, then he is bring someone else's germs home to you and risking your health, which is not cool and is the ultimate disrespect in the marriage. My religious upbringing was very restrictive and put me in a position to "pray and stay" ten years too long with a prolific cheater.

No woman deserves to be treated like yesterday's trash. I have taken flak for this position before, but I am going to say it again for the newbies here on the forum. Instead of thinking "I love him. Why does he treat me this way?" Start thinking, "Why would I love someone who treats me this way?"

My girls were 15 and 17 when their father and I finally divorced, and I was already employed. I do not know how we would have proceeeded with more or smaller children, since my family was hundreds of miles away. You do not deserve this crap. I think you and your husband need to have a very direct and honest communication about where you stand in his world of priorities. Miss Text Witch

needs to be deleted before he loses all that should be precious to him. He need to come directly home after work and be present and involved with his family.

Good luck Sweetie. If you get tired of being strong, come here to the forum. I am sure that in all the myriad of opinions you will get, someone's experience and advice will be that gem that you need to get through this one way or the other. Carry on, soldier.

[Chickie D 76]

Glad to see you're going to therapy. I would like to encourage you to go by yourself if he later changes his mind. Getting or keeping your head screwed on straight during this time of upheaval will be the best thing for you.

I will join with the crowd of others who say that these things are never a simple matter. And I will also say that the adage, "once a cheat, always a cheat," does not have to be true if there's on is willing to do some real soul searching and figure their $#|+ out.

[mamaplumlee 58]

I am in the same boat. My husband of 13 years (together 17) and I are separating this month due to him pursuing other women and trashing me behind my back while trying to cheat. We have 2 children, 4 and 7, together. He never had a problem with my weight before (he is big himself) and after supposedly thought I was beautiful and "sexy" but never acted it or told me it. Before surgery, I knew he had cheated (he was busted) and doubted him a few other times but I honestly didn't have the self esteem to leave nor did I care as much as I should have because I thought I was so disgusting and I hated seeing myself naked so how could he?

This time I'm not sure if he cheated 100% but he was 100% trying to and lying and deleting messages and trashing me while trying to get with my friend and my sister. I flipped and threw him out. I am moving out of state next month and starting over with my kids. I DO NOT need that and I DO NOT deserve that! I know that now and I love myself now. It's gonna be rough but just like with this surgery time WILL heal all wounds and things WILL be better eventually. I wish you all the luck in the world.

[luckyknickers57 62]

I am in the same boat. My husband of 13 years (together 17) and I are separating this month due to him pursuing other women and trashing me behind my back while trying to cheat. We have 2 children, 4 and 7, together. He never had a problem with my weight before (he is big himself) and after supposedly thought I was beautiful and "sexy" but never acted it or told me it. Before surgery, I knew he had cheated (he was busted) and doubted him a few other times but I honestly didn't have the self esteem to leave nor did I care as much as I should have because I thought I was so disgusting and I hated seeing myself naked so how could he? This time I'm not sure if he cheated 100% but he was 100% trying to and lying and deleting messages and trashing me while trying to get with my friend and my sister. I flipped and threw him out. I am moving out of state next month and starting over with my kids. I DO NOT need that and I DO NOT deserve that! I know that now and I love myself now. It's gonna be rough but just like with this surgery time WILL heal all wounds and things WILL be better eventually. I wish you all the luck in the world.

Good luck to you. You are so right, it won't be easy. But it will be easier than being with someone who has treated you this way. You have taken the first steps towards the new you. Keep up the good work, it will not only benefit you, but the children too. Glad to hear that you've started to appreciate that you don't deserve what you've been put through.