Struggling so much emotionally

[stacey131 51]

So here I am 20 months out down from 226 to 130 lbs. Size 26 to a size 6 and I am so incredibly miserable. Mostly because I am alone. I thought after losing the weight that relationships would be easier. With the physical "barrier" out of the way, I can't blame that any longer. I have been dating actively for a solid 10 months and nothing sticks. Have met great people and some not so great. But my insecurities and flaws just seem to be amplified now.

Having such a tough time...and not getting any younger!

[KateB 63]

Oh man. You are not alone. I'm newly divorced and hoping that once I've lost the weight I'll have to confidence to move on. Every one tells me to find my happiness and then happiness with someone else will come along. Don't give up!! It'll happen when you least expect it I'm sure. Just focus on your health and happiness and relax!! I'm sure he'll come along.

Hang in there!

[JerseyGirl68 1,172]

Unfortunately, losing weight will not guarantee easier relationships, some may say it will bring about the opposite. It might make starting one "easier" in the sense that we are more confident and put ourselves out there than before we were heavier. If you think it's insecurities and what you deem flaws than maybe take some you time. Focus on what you want to change. And, I agree with Kate here, when you are happier with yourself you will find that you will be more content in life. We can't be a good partner to anyone if we are not happy with ourselves. Just because you may be getting more attention now, doesn't mean that it's the perfect time for you to dive into a full blown relationship. Iv'e always found that the best relationships I've been in started when I wasn't actively looking for them.

It also could be you are less willing to accept major flaws in others and will move on a little quicker.

In the meantime, enjoy getting out there, it will happen.

Good luck .

[lisacaron 5,075]

My advice to you is this....take some time to yourself. To really sit with yourself, and ask yourself what it is that you are looking for in a relationship?

What do you want from another person in a relationship? What do you expect from them? From your self? What are the qualities that you would love in another person? Not just the physical, but the emotional, spiritual and over all essence of that other person?

Do those qualities that you are seeking, balance you? What do you bring to the relationship? What are your strengths and equally what are your perceived weaknesses? (I say perceived because not everyone will think it's a weakness but you may feel that it is for you.)

When we are honest and clear with ourselves about what we want, what we expect from others and more aptly from ourselves it will be easier to spot and connect to those things.

Trust me it's not a matter of size, at my heaviest weight ever I met and married the love of my life. Today I am losing weight for health reasons and to make the quality of my life, our lives better.

You are strong amazing women and men. Take a good long look at yourselves and you will know that to be true and so will everyone that you choose to spend your time with.

[Carlotta1 401]

I love lisacaron's advice...sit with yourself...get to know who u really r....join hiking groups , etc.. Meet people. Not for the sake of "finding someone" but for exposing yourself to people who have common interest as u do. I. Lost a husband and two years after I wanted to " find " someone.. It did not work until i let it go and concentrated on myself.

[Obsidian 26]

My advice is simply to STOP DATING. I know that's the opposite of what you want but here's the thing. I found the best man in the world for me and have been with him nearly a decade now the moment I literally said I want NO ONE and focused on doing something that I enjoyed.

We met each other engaging in this hobby that we both had. When we started our friendship I had even flat out told him that I wanted to remain single since I had just gotten divorced and he agreed that he wanted to remain single since his fiancee had just left him after clearing out his house of all his stuff. We've been married 5 years, together for 9.

So, find a passion.. a hobby... something outside your comfort zone you ALWAYS dreamed of doing. So in the meantime that will distract you from anything relationship-wise. When you find that passion, join a group of people who also enjoy it and get involved with them. You MAY find that the universe will pair you up with someone accidentally who shares your passions without even trying. But don't EXPECT or LOOK for it, just let it happen.

[Roo101769 742]

I have been single for 16 years now. ( Officially 14, but we separated two years before divorce) Anyway a lot of that time I spent locked away. I did gain a large portion of my excess weight once I was married, and I had not become accustomed to my body once we split up. Then, over the years the weight just kept creeping up higher and higher. Then in 2007, ten years after I separated from my husband, I decided it was time to get some control. I worked hard, dieted and exercised and managed to lose about 38lbs. While I was FAR from thin ( I was still 276lbs! ) I had a new sense of self esteem and others took notice. My social life did pick up, but not as I hoped. I suddenly became a sexual being, and not in a good way. I had many men hit on me, but none wanted a relationship. It seemed my body had gone from something that shamed me to something created for only one purpose. (at least in the eyes of the men around me) This further destroyed my ego and again, over time and a pregnancy, my weight crept back up again. The final straw was when I was hospitalized last year for my second DVT/PE. I knew I had to change my life or risk losing it. So I found the sleeve and there was no looking back. I have now lost 64 lbs since August. I have a LOT more to go, but I am thinner now than I have been in over 13+ years. This time my ego is a bit more fragile. I don't feel "sexy" like before. I sag more, have more scars. My hair has thinned to the point of wearing a wig. I am older and also a mother this time. So the idea of dating scares me more than ever in many ways, but I refuse to give up. In fact I am meeting someone new tomorrow. We have been chatting and so far it has been nice. I am trying with all my heart not to go into it being negative based on past experience. At the same time I will admit I am more guarded than ever because of the path I have traveled. Yes, I have been hurt. But I am not a bad person. I am worthy of being loved and truly believe somewhere out there the right person FOR ME exists! So don't be hard on yourself. Accept that you are who you are, but that doesn't mean you aren't worthy too. It is just about finding that right person. They do exist. You were worth the surgery. You were worth losing the weight. ( and may I add you look FABULOUS!!) And you are worth taking the time to find your soul mate. Consider it being choosey, not desperate to find just anyone. Enjoy the dates for what they are. And when that right one comes along....then this will just be a footnote in your life story.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

stacey, I find myself in a similar state of mind. You are not alone. What I will say is that right at this moment, men seem to generally think I look pretty good - lots of positives on my looks. Clearly, I don't have a good formula figured out and I think dating just doesn't really work very well. Especially online dating - I think people are too easily lulled into looking for the next hot prospect.

I am going to try speed dating - partly just because I want to give it a go. but I am really leaning toward the dropping the whole online dating thing and just focus on my interest. I am an equestrian/horse rider I pretty much only meet other women doing my hobby but I am going to try doing some other stuff with meetups etc and see what happens.

I am trying to learn to ski for the same reason - round here just about everybody skis. I am going to try to learn some other new hobbies too - alot of things I missed out on when I was obese. It is fun and I figure I am more likely to meet "active" guys that way. Come summer - Sailing classes, rent a kayak, I don't know... that sort of thing.

I work out at home but recently decided to join a local gym... just never know. And at least I get to check out the hotbods while I am there.

One little thing I have done is about 2-3 times a month I go to a happy hour with my best friend. We sit at the bar, go to the same place. We are starting to get to know people since we are now "regulars". It occurs to me that living a life that is "out there" like that might cause me to finally meet someone.

I don't know, but that is what I am thinking right now.

Edited January 8, 2014 by CowgirlJane

[BladeFox 235]

So, here we go... In my hayday, I used to be this 'bad mama jamma' and all the boys would come to the yard. No pun intended, but I was hot. I found that men were visual and what I represented was their example of perfection. Not saying I was perfect, but close enough to be hounded, often. Sometimes this brought the good and often the bad boys to the yard. I began to not like the attention. I finally married a man that loved me regardless...I mean ME. This was after putting on weight, so a bit thicker me and have stuck with me through thick and thin and thick again as I have stuck with him through his imperfections.

It sounds like you are going through that phase where the boys are coming to the yard! Good, and you are now evaluating you a bit more and realizing what you want from a life partner, however; caution must be advised because now since you have the pick of the bunch you are looking for perfection which isn't a reality. I would weed out the truly bad and the others, well, give it more time because no one is perfect visually or spiritually. Don't swat someone away that has the potential to be the best thing ever. Good luck!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I have another thought.... as I re-read the original post. Are you sure that your sadness is because you are alone? Are you truly alone or just lack a life partner - there are alot of other ways to have important people/friends/neighbors etc in your life. Many single people live very social lives.

I have a theory as it applies to myself. During the weight loss phase and even when I got to goal, I just felt so good physically that even though there was alot of emotional adjustment going on, it was okay. I feel like now I have been at goal almost a year, just over two years out from surgery... I am accustomed to feeling good. I feel like i look good. It's like that part is behind me know and I am faced with the "ok, now what do I do" sort of feeling. My emotions on this are complex and i am not sure i fully understand them but i think there is some delayed grief for all the years spent being obese. I turn 50 in 2014 and the thought of that... well... it's hard. I feel like I should be so much younger!

I am lucky that my face is still relatively young looking, but i sort of have this vague nightmare of waking up and just looking really old. It is that sense of how little time...

Yesterday I replaced my badge at work - that photo was taken in 2002. I looked at them side by side and i could honestly say I look younger and better than I did. It gave me a little boost to see that.

Anyway, I am suggesting that you consider the deeper reason that you feel miserable. I think dating sucks for lots of us - even if your looks are such that it is easy to attract men, doesn't mean it is necesarily fun.

[stacey131 51]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I am not sure that I fully understand my emotions either. It could just be that I am a normal 40 year old, single woman who is frustrated with being single. To add more context...I have done a lot of what people suggested. Joined activities, began to feel more comfortable with me. I have great friends and a super close family...so my loneliness comes from a lack of intimacy. Not in the sense of physical, but real emotional intimacy. I've had it and I just miss it. I kind of want to push away family and friends because the conversation and context is not fulfilling. When I was heavier, these relationships fulfilled me completely...for a good 20 years! But now, I just want more. I want to gel with someone and it has been really hard. So many points above were dead on- Now that I look better, I want more. I always felt I had to settle because I was fat...so I just avoided relationships because I didnt want to settle. Men definitely find me desirable now...but it is a slippery slope. Lots of men out there with malevolent intentions...or at least see me as not "the one" but as someone they would like to sleep with. I avoid that at all costs and can tell the difference between someone real and not. But I can see how someone who spent a lot of time being ignored sexually wouold just explode when they enter the world of being "wanted." Anyway, there are so many schools of thought. Some people say stop looking, some people say if you're not out there no one will find you. It's a lot to endure and navigate. But I will say that physical attraction is critical to any relationship...I wish it were true that I could meet my soul mate heavier--- but I just don't think it is true. If I connected with someone first and then gained weight- yes. But most men (even good ones) won't start a relationship with a morbidly obese woman. And the same for women in many cases.