The Uncomfortable Truth....

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I scampered away this morning all crazy embarrassed and actually did some work for a while, so I'm going to take this thread back one page and say I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything I said to minimize anyone's feelings. Whether something did or not. It was more sharing than anything else. I will henceforth keep away from this kind of thread if I don't feel I can personally relate to the title.

Also, Nicolanz, get your hands off my butt.

Let it alone k..you were not offensive and you offer valuable reasoning's as well..Don't hold back how you feel none of us on here want that..hell if we all did that we would be talking about things like new hair styles and nail polish..yes even you Butter....lol

[Butterthebean 8,146]

Butter..I don't know about you but maybe it is because I am getting older that I realized that this was my mothers intention all along to divide and conquer....I have now in the last few years tried to gather my siblings together and unite as one. Some have really been responsive others are too damaged to see the benefits of family..

Maybe if you have not already tried, maybe you could make the first step and help your brother with all of his issues...You are definitely on your way to success...Maybe you might not be ready for it...maybe you are...But I found uniting in the same cause can strengthen an army so to speak.....And gain your brother back, and lay the pain to rest for both of you....Just a thought :wub:

So I've been meaning to respond to this thread all day, but I got sidetracked. Is it too late cause I have more to share.

RJ...my wife would agree with you. She comes from a rather large and highly dysfunctional family. I was going to write about their dysfunction, but not sure it matters to this thread now.

But as to my brother....when I say I disconnected from family....I mean the bonds of shared DNA mean almost nothing to me. I decided long ago that if someone won't treat me with honesty, respect and decency....I don't need them in my life. Blood relatives are no exception. I wouldn't have a friend in my life who would steal from me....who would deny his parental rights of his two kids....who would steal from his mother who lay dying in the hospital of cancer, and then profit from her death. Just because that person shares the same gene pool with me doesn't mean I can excuse or accept that behavior. Perhaps that makes me a cold fish. But on the other hand I'd give the shirt off my back to any friend in need. They don't have to be blood related.

[No game 14,437]

My uncomfortable Truth...

I am an ugly person.

I feel like I do my best somedays to hide it.

Today I didn't..

I want to be good.

I am a sham. I talk about being vulnerable? But the minute I open up? I feel that I'm ready to strike.

I have been fighting binges the last three weeks. I win, lose..

Family! People! Me!

It's too much somedays..

Now I sit here offended BUT also the offender..

Thinking to myself right now, EAT! BINGE!

You have good reason! Look at that corner you are in, the one you painted yourself!

You are fat, you, ugly, you are bad....

[Fluffnomore 1,235]

You have a lot going on. But honey, you are worth it. You are healthy, beautiful, and good. Don't let the voices in your head win this one.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I have only read some of these posts, but do have two observations.

I found myself feeling... jealous is the closest word I can come up with... of people who didn't have a lifelong obesity problem. Honestly, sometimes I read the whole comment "I was thin until I had kids" as a slam against people like me who was overweight or obese or morbidly obese basically my whole life (except for short lived periods). Like somehow people think that they don't deserve this obsesity thing .. it is just something that showed up later in life... unlike a "real" fat person. I don't blame anyone, simply observing my own feelings.

My second observation is that there is an inherited tendency toward hunger/bottomless pit stomach. This is NOT all emotional issues. My son who is a little heavy, but has never been obese shared with me that he never really feels too full. He can eat ALOT and have seconds and then eat another meal 2 hours later. I was like that pre surgery - my drive for food was nearly constant. I realize that I certainly do have emotional eating issues too, but that is my 20% issue; 80% was physical hunger. My son is young and male and much more self aware so he controls his weight by following the sleever rule "eat to absence of hunger, full is NOT the goal". I didn't have that understanding and also was raised to eat very high carb and low fat which also triggers huge appetite. My ex sig other and my other son (not genetically related to me but raised by me) do NOT have the bottomless pit stomachs - get full / satiated in a very reasonable way.

Don't discount the physical differences between people. I struggled more to maintain in the 275-300# range presleeve then I struggle to maintain at 150 post sleeve and the primary difference is that I am no longer hungry 24/7.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

Butter..I don't know about you but maybe it is because I am getting older that I realized that this was my mothers intention all along to divide and conquer....I have now in the last few years tried to gather my siblings together and unite as one. Some have really been responsive others are too damaged to see the benefits of family..

Maybe if you have not already tried, maybe you could make the first step and help your brother with all of his issues...You are definitely on your way to success...Maybe you might not be ready for it...maybe you are...But I found uniting in the same cause can strengthen an army so to speak.....And gain your brother back, and lay the pain to rest for both of you....Just a thought :wub:

So I've been meaning to respond to this thread all day, but I got sidetracked. Is it too late cause I have more to share.

RJ...my wife would agree with you. She comes from a rather large and highly dysfunctional family. I was going to write about their dysfunction, but not sure it matters to this thread now.

But as to my brother....when I say I disconnected from family....I mean the bonds of shared DNA mean almost nothing to me. I decided long ago that if someone won't treat me with honesty, respect and decency....I don't need them in my life. Blood relatives are no exception. I wouldn't have a friend in my life who would steal from me....who would deny his parental rights of his two kids....who would steal from his mother who lay dying in the hospital of cancer, and then profit from her death. Just because that person shares the same gene pool with me doesn't mean I can excuse or accept that behavior. Perhaps that makes me a cold fish. But on the other hand I'd give the shirt off my back to any friend in need. They don't have to be blood related.

I have a brother similar to yours...he has no place in my life or my family...You have to get to a place where you say that I will take no more abuse Bean and it seems to me that you have made that decision...Sometimes it shows strength to stay away...I know my brother does not know why I have nothing to do with him...but trust me he earned it..So I do understand Bean..Thank you for sharing..It must be wonderful to be your friend if they have earned that kind of respect from you that you would help them no matter what....You are an example for sure..

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

My uncomfortable Truth...

I am an ugly person.

I feel like I do my best somedays to hide it.

Today I didn't..

I want to be good.

I am a sham. I talk about being vulnerable? But the minute I open up? I feel that I'm ready to strike.

I have been fighting binges the last three weeks. I win, lose..

Family! People! Me!

It's too much somedays..

Now I sit here offended BUT also the offender..

Thinking to myself right now, EAT! BINGE!

You have good reason! Look at that corner you are in, the one you painted yourself!

You are fat, you, ugly, you are bad....

Every once in a while the liar demon rears it's ugly head and says these things. Overall though, I think a person will never find peace if that demon isn't mostly quiet. I don't care what you weigh or how beautiful you are - if you let the liar convince you that you are ugly and not good enough, that is what you will see. Everyone else will see the attractive and worthy person, but you (we) will still see the "not good enough".

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

My uncomfortable Truth...

I am an ugly person.

I feel like I do my best somedays to hide it.

Today I didn't..

I want to be good.

I am a sham. I talk about being vulnerable? But the minute I open up? I feel that I'm ready to strike.

I have been fighting binges the last three weeks. I win, lose..

Family! People! Me!

It's too much somedays..

Now I sit here offended BUT also the offender..

Thinking to myself right now, EAT! BINGE!

You have good reason! Look at that corner you are in, the one you painted yourself!

You are fat, you, ugly, you are bad....

Laura...You are echoing back exactly how I feel about myself. Or what I was taught to think of myself.....I am sure 100 % that no one on here sees you that way..And so please do something for yourself that is so not that destructive....

what we repeat over and over about ourselves in a negative way has a tendency for us to continue to believe it..

Turn it around Laura and look at yourself in the mirror and say one nice thing about you every day..Write it down if you have to and then when you get on this kind of self abuse...read what you found about yourself that is positive..I am so sure there are tons of things.....do it!

[Nicolanz 1,484]

I honestly thought physical hunger was my issue. Im never full....I'm always hungry. ....I have a huge stomach/ appetite up until 4 months ago when the novelty of the sleeve wore off, I found myself having mini binges and eating when not hungry again. All of my past demons are coming back. I eat until I'm in pain. I then realized it's far more than physical hunger. It's embarrassing really. I'm back at square one trying to figure out WHY?!?! The realization has helped me tremendously though. I'm not in denial anymore. I'm not hiding behind excuses anymore. I'm not by any means "cured" but I know what to work on now. I'm taking responsibility, damnit!

[marywithoutsound 148]

GG, don't think u r the delusional type...

I wonder if those of us who had less than ideal early lives could exert control over food in a way we couldn't do with other aspects of our lives?

I spent a lifetime rewarding myself by eating and I question whether I was doing it because it was the only thing my mum couldn't control? Would certainly explain the secret eating....

This struck such a chord with me. My mum has always had a lot of control over my life (even now at 23 years old she opens and inspects my bank statements) and ever since I can remember I had sneaked food out of the cupboards and hid the wrappers in places I didn't think she would find. She has always been very slim and really controlled everything I ate because she wanted me to be just like her.

I was always bigger than average because of this but my weight didn't get so out of control until she coerced me into doing something when I was 20 that I have hated myself for ever since. I thought that my weight gain was the emotional fall out of what I did, but you have really got me thinking that maybe it was my way of rebelling against her. Definitely something to consider.

Thank you (and everybody else) for sharing so much in this thread. I am very much a lurker rather than a poster but you have all helped me feel so much less alone. I think you're all amazing.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I truly believe this is a chemical imbalance and there are studies out there looking at this. Pre-op, I was obsessed with food. Nothing ever told me I was full even when I was so physically full, I hurt. My brain kept telling me I wanted more more more. The only thing that kept me from hitting the 300s and the only time I felt completely NORMAL about food was when I took Phentermine. This drug blocked all appetite (I know, not normal) and the only time I ate was when I was physically starving and even then, nothing appealed to me. I dropped 80 pounds in three months the first time I went on Phentermine, then I got preggo.

The second time I went on it, I lost 75 pounds in 5 months and my doctor made me quit taking it. I

The third time I took it, I lost 25 pounds but my neurologist said I couldn't take it more than a month, so that was the end of that.

I did WWs each time so that I would actually eat enough. Why can I be so successful on an appetite suppressant when no other diet has worked? It can't be all emotional, there has to be a physical difference between me and someone who is naturally thin, too.

My second observation is that there is an inherited tendency toward hunger/bottomless pit stomach. This is NOT all emotional issues. My son who is a little heavy, but has never been obese shared with me that he never really feels too full. He can eat ALOT and have seconds and then eat another meal 2 hours later. I was like that pre surgery - my drive for food was nearly constant.

[Butterthebean 8,146]

I truly believe this is a chemical imbalance and there are studies out there looking at this. Pre-op, I was obsessed with food. Nothing ever told me I was full even when I was so physically full, I hurt. My brain kept telling me I wanted more more more. The only thing that kept me from hitting the 300s and the only time I felt completely NORMAL about food was when I took Phentermine. This drug blocked all appetite (I know, not normal) and the only time I ate was when I was physically starving and even then, nothing appealed to me. I dropped 80 pounds in three months the first time I went on Phentermine, then I got preggo.

The second time I went on it, I lost 75 pounds in 5 months and my doctor made me quit taking it. I

The third time I took it, I lost 25 pounds but my neurologist said I couldn't take it more than a month, so that was the end of that.

I did WWs each time so that I would actually eat enough. Why can I be so successful on an appetite suppressant when no other diet has worked? It can't be all emotional, there has to be a physical difference between me and someone who is naturally thin, too.

I think so too. There has to be a difference in the my feeling of satiety and someone else who can leave 2 pieces of bacon on their plate. I can always find room for 2 pieces of bacon.

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

I truly believe this is a chemical imbalance and there are studies out there looking at this. Pre-op, I was obsessed with food. Nothing ever told me I was full even when I was so physically full, I hurt. My brain kept telling me I wanted more more more. The only thing that kept me from hitting the 300s and the only time I felt completely NORMAL about food was when I took Phentermine. This drug blocked all appetite (I know, not normal) and the only time I ate was when I was physically starving and even then, nothing appealed to me. I dropped 80 pounds in three months the first time I went on Phentermine, then I got preggo.

The second time I went on it, I lost 75 pounds in 5 months and my doctor made me quit taking it. I

The third time I took it, I lost 25 pounds but my neurologist said I couldn't take it more than a month, so that was the end of that.

I did WWs each time so that I would actually eat enough. Why can I be so successful on an appetite suppressant when no other diet has worked? It can't be all emotional, there has to be a physical difference between me and someone who is naturally thin, too.

I think so too. There has to be a difference in the my feeling of satiety and someone else who can leave 2 pieces of bacon on their plate. I can always find room for 2 pieces of bacon.

Those people who can leave the 2 pieces of bacon on their plate see food as a nourishment for their body..They do not view it in any other way...it is fuel and that is it..We all have our own screwed up ways at looking at food...those people have their own screwed up ways of looking at other things in life..... I am sure of it...

Food carries a completely different meaning for us....

since i started this journey I leave bacon on my plate all the time....lol..Today if there were an entire package of bacon on my plate I would find a way to eat it..This thread has really tested me today..i have not been the best in class as far as sticking to the rules of the program today...

But I can't help thinking that this is very therapeutic for all of us involved to say it all out loud!

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Laura, you are none of the things you said you are. You are brave, strong, compassionate and occasionally vulnerable - and that scares you. That makes you human. Like the rest of us. And when I am scared I do the thing I know how to do really well - attack. And if I am the person in my own firing line, so be it.

Not many of us have been particularly kind to ourselves. Losing weight "fixes" the physical but we still have the mental and emotional baggage. And sometimes we are downright cruel the way we speak to ourselves in our heads.

But in a forum like this, something amazing happens. We see in each other the good things that we might not be able to recognise in ourselves. And we are happy to offer support to someone else in a way we might not be able to do for ourselves.

marywithoutspund, any time you want to PM me, feel free. Our mothers sound like sisters!!!! And you're not a lurker any more, you are a poster :-))))

Thank you all. We are not alone x

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I truly believe this is a chemical imbalance and there are studies out there looking at this. Pre-op, I was obsessed with food. Nothing ever told me I was full even when I was so physically full, I hurt. My brain kept telling me I wanted more more more. The only thing that kept me from hitting the 300s and the only time I felt completely NORMAL about food was when I took Phentermine. This drug blocked all appetite (I know, not normal) and the only time I ate was when I was physically starving and even then, nothing appealed to me. I dropped 80 pounds in three months the first time I went on Phentermine, then I got preggo.

The second time I went on it, I lost 75 pounds in 5 months and my doctor made me quit taking it. I

The third time I took it, I lost 25 pounds but my neurologist said I couldn't take it more than a month, so that was the end of that.

I did WWs each time so that I would actually eat enough. Why can I be so successful on an appetite suppressant when no other diet has worked? It can't be all emotional, there has to be a physical difference between me and someone who is naturally thin, too.

I think so too. There has to be a difference in the my feeling of satiety and someone else who can leave 2 pieces of bacon on their plate. I can always find room for 2 pieces of bacon.

Those people who can leave the 2 pieces of bacon on their plate see food as a nourishment for their body..They do not view it in any other way...it is fuel and that is it..We all have our own screwed up ways at looking at food...those people have their own screwed up ways of looking at other things in life..... I am sure of it...

Food carries a completely different meaning for us....

since i started this journey I leave bacon on my plate all the time....lol..Today if there were an entire package of bacon on my plate I would find a way to eat it..This thread has really tested me today..i have not been the best in class as far as sticking to the rules of the program today...

But I can't help thinking that this is very therapeutic for all of us involved to say it all out loud!

I am sure that's true, but I also think there is a chemical thing going on. My husband is 5'10" and about 180 pounds. He is slender with a bit of belly on and off. He eats like a pig at times, but when he is full, he is full. He enjoys food, he loves my cooking, he loves going to certain restaurants but again, when he is full, he is full. He won't touch food for the next meal at times, he will finish what is on his plate but he never grazes on leftovers and while he eats far too much on Thanksgiving or other special meals, he doesn't think about food again for the night. If he eats a huge dinner, he is not even remotely hungry the next day, while I would be ravenous any night I had a big meal late.

It's weird. Food is more than nourishment to him, but when he is FULL, he knows it and respects it. I couldn't do that.