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A Jewish Parrot!



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A Jewish Parrot

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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How precious!! chicken? For goodness sakes. That was one expensive dinner!

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A Christian Parrot

Three Christian sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Bible and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty ministers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Martin, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Mitchel, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Michael, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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A Muslim Parrot

Three Muslim sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said, "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Holy Qur'an and you know she can't see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Holy Qur'an. It took twenty Imams 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the Surah and verse and the parrot will recite it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, "Omar, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

She wrote to the second son, "Hussein, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude."

She wrote to the third son, "Dearest Mohammed, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

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A Jewish guy who has lead a very bad life - he has denied the faith of his fathers, been unfaithful to his wife, and cheated his partners - is killed in a head-on collision while driving one day. To his surprise he wakes up in the most beautiful environment he has ever seen. Eventually he gets around to asking where he is.

"Why, you are in Hell," is the reply.

Death continues to be a pleasure for him and one day while on his rambles he notices a mountain in the distance and decides to hike there for a closer look.

When he gets to the top he sees that it is in fact a volcano and looking in he see the most horrifying sight. He sees men and women being burnt and tortured by devilish looking creatures. Terrified, he runs away.

Many hours later he describes that chamber of horrors and asks, what was that?!?

"Oh! That's Hell for the Christians. They seem to prefer it that way."

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Thanks for your reiterations of the joke, TOM. I was thinking the same thing but was too lazy to make the observation.

It's a funny joke, but the Judaism (of the parrot? of the family?) is irrelevant. I don't get it.

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Green: Unlike the Parrot joke, your joke required the person to be Jewish.

Oy! *shrugs* I know, I know. I just really like the joke is all....

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A Jewish guy who has lead a very bad life - he has denied the faith of his fathers, been unfaithful to his wife, and cheated his partners - is killed in a head-on collision while driving one day. To his surprise he wakes up in the most beautiful environment he has ever seen. Eventually he gets around to asking where he is.

"Why, you are in Hell," is the reply.

Death continues to be a pleasure for him and one day while on his rambles he notices a mountain in the distance and decides to hike there for a closer look.

When he gets to the top he sees that it is in fact a volcano and looking in he see the most horrifying sight. He sees men and women being burnt and tortured by devilish looking creatures. Terrified, he runs away.

Many hours later he describes that chamber of horrors and asks, what was that?!?

"Oh! That's Hell for the Christians. They seem to prefer it that way."

HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA I love it I ask my husband this all the time about the Christians...

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    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
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    • Alisa_S

      On day 4 of the 2 week liquid pre-op diet. Surgery scheduled for June 11th.
      Soooo I am coming to a realization
      of something and I'm not sure what to do about it. For years the only thing I've enjoyed is eating. We rarely do anything or go anywhere and if we do it always includes food. Family comes over? Big family dinner! Go camping? Food! Take a short ride or trip? Food! Holiday? Food! Go out of town for a Dr appointment? Food! When we go to a new town we don't look for any attractions, we look for restaurants we haven't been to. Heck, I look forward to getting off work because that means it's almost supper time. Now that I'm drinking these pre-op shakes for breakfast, lunch, and supper I have nothing to look forward to.  And once I have surgery on June 11th it'll be more of the same shakes. Even after pureed stage, soft food stage, and finally regular food stage, it's going to be a drastic change for the rest of my life. I'm giving up the one thing that really brings me joy. Eating. How do you cope with that? What do you do to fill that void? Wow. Now I'm sad.
      · 1 reply
      1. summerseeker

        Life as a big person had limited my life to what I knew I could manage to do each day. That was eat. I hadn't anything else to look forward to. So my eating choices were the best I could dream up. I planned the cooking in managable lots in my head and filled my day with and around it.

        Now I have a whole new big, bigger, biggest, best days ever. I am out there with those skinny people doing stuff i could never have dreamt of. Food is now an after thought. It doesn't consume my day. I still enjoy the good home cooked food but I eat smaller portions. I leave food on my plate when I am full. I can no longer hear my mother's voice saying eat it all up, ther are starving children in Africa who would want that!

        I still cook for family feasts, I love cooking. I still do holidays but I have changed from the All inclusive drinking and eating everything everyday kind to Self catering accommodation. This gives me the choice of cooking or eating out as I choose. I rarely drink anymore as I usually travel alone now and I feel I need to keep aware of my surroundings.

        I don't know at what point my life expanded, was it when I lost 100 pounds? Was it when I left my walking stick at home ? Was it when I said yes to an outing instead of finding an excuse to stay home ? i look back at my last five years and wonder how loosing weight has made such a difference. Be ready to amaze yourself.

        BTW, the liquid diet sucks, one more day and you are over the worst. You can do it.

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      Officially here for a long time, not just a good time💪
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    • KimBaxleyWilson

      Three months and four days ago... I was in Costa Rica having a life changing surgery! Yesterday we had a followup visit with Dr. Esmeral via video chat and this morning my middle number changed.  I'm down 47lbs and two pants sizes. I can wear a Large tshirt for the first time in like... 14 years! Woot!! Everything is going great. I have zero regrets. I went down to the riverwalk with a friend and walked 2 miles on Monday without even getting fatigued. And no more snoring or chugging pickle juice for crazy leg cramps! I need to go to the gym more... I'm making new shirts next week so that will motivate me. LOL But I'm also just not as TIRED all the time! I have a LONG way to go...but seeing the progress on the scales and in the mirror is a huge motivator!! Thank you all for cheering me on and supporting me!!
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