female only would you date someone who is perhaps less active then you?`

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I have been seeing someone who is very athletic - a mountain biker and bike racer. It sounds great, but the reality of it is that our fitness and athletic abilities are so far apart that I can't even join him on a recreational bike ride. I admittedly spent most of my life as more of a bookworm then an extreme athelete and even though I am trim now it doesn't make me suddenly "good" at sports. He doesn't care about that but, it does mean it is hard for us to spend much recreational time together

The plusses are that he is very food conscious and isn't the least concerned with my weird sleever eating ways. In fact, he is the type that has to be reminded to eat ... and has to work to keep weight on. I know, a little part of all of us wants to slap that kinda person.

That relationship does not have long term potential so I have an open mind as to future relationships. (The reasons have nothing to do with fitness/food/athletics but other aspects of lifestyle are not compatible)

I met someone who is a really good match on all sorts of fronts, but the thing that concerns me is his lack of committment to fitness. He works out some, and does have outdoor active interests, he is not obese but he is the typical middle age could probably stand to lose 30-50#. He is very tall so he doesn't look fat by any stretch. He noted already that I am one that likes to MOVE. I suggest the walks, not going to a movie. He eats and drinks alot by my standards (well of course, I am a sleever). What is sorta floating around in the back of my mind is diving into a relationship with someone who has a less active lifestyle PLUS the tolerance for those few extra pounds may influence me in directions I don't want to go.

Whether it works out with him or not, I have that feeling of wondering if it is a good idea simply stay away from forming close relationships with people who may not have as active as a lifestyle as I NEED to maintain my weight.

I am curious if any others have experience with this and your thoughts?

[NoneYa 380]

I see what you're saying. He might influence you to sway toward his way of being in this world. However, you might sway him toward your way also. I don't think I would write off someone if I liked them in every way except that one. I would not tell him he could stand to lose a few or work out. If its true he already knows it. instead I think modeling it and inviting him to join you might in time show him a more healthful way of being. If this is a brand new relationship you have nothing to lose. Thats just me though.

[DeniseM 238]

My hubby is in the Army and is extremely active, not only with what he does for PT every day but he also runs marathons and triathlons. I, until a month ago, was a total couch potato. He would have liked it if I were to exercise more, but he never pushed me or criticized me. Of course, he is really happy now that I have started exercising regularly, but our different fitness levels have never been an issue for us

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Oh lets be clear - I would never try to change someone, that has to come from within. for me the decision is whether to "risk" my own slide back to a less active lifestyle is all by chosing to spend alot of time around someone who eats alot more and moves alot less then I do. I am only 18 months post sleeve and very aware of how "vulnerable" I am to returning to old ways....

[BethinPA 305]

I am just starting to date post-sleeve, and this is something that I am grappling with as well. I see a picture of a guy with washboard abs and think "there is no way I'm keeping up with that!". Or, I see a picture of a guy with a buddha belly and think thats going to be a problem as well. I don't have any answers, I can just commisurate that I'm starting to deal with the same questions.

[TwinsMama 483]

Which would you liken your situation to: A former alcoholic that starts dating a heavy drinker or the former casual drinker that then starts dating a heavy drinker? Both used to drink but only one at a level so toxic it took a complete lifestyle overhaul to stop.

Here's the thing; I think although I would love to say no, don't judge a book by its cover; I have to be honest...food for me became an addiction. It was my go-to. Now having been sleeved, I could not risk picking my addiction back up for anyone not already committed/in a relationship with me.

Sure you know the grips of that addiciton and don't want to judge others...but you cannot put your own health and safety at risk. For me, having the sleeve makes the situation more akin to the former alcoholic than the former casual drinker.

Changing yourself sometimes requires being around those like yourself. No, you don't ditch those who've been in the throws with you, but you also don't go looking for the next getway drug either. To me, if I were to be dating (as a post-op), someone not into their health would be my gateway drug back to overeating.

It's a lot easier to pull someone down than lift them up. Only you know if he would be pulling you back down?

[TwinsMama 483]

I am just starting to date post-sleeve, and this is something that I am grappling with as well. I see a picture of a guy with washboard abs and think "there is no way I'm keeping up with that!". Or, I see a picture of a guy with a buddha belly and think thats going to be a problem as well. I don't have any answers, I can just commisurate that I'm starting to deal with the same questions.

For me it's about health. Is that guy with the big belly working to get in shape? Does the guy with the great abs do extremem dieting to keep them? I think it is more about lifestyle than looks.

I think that's why I advocate for Cowgirl to go with the one into his health.

Edit: extreme

[Indigo1991 1,612]

Me too BethinPA! Have just had a couple of dates with a nice guy with the Buddha belly and have been wondering if that's me making a backwards choice because he's within my comfort zone... or rather he's in my old comfort zone.

Have now been invited out for lunch (!) with another guy, who's whatever the male equivalent of a gym bunny is - and he races motorbikes. So he's toned and athletic and fit! But although I look pretty reasonable, my friend describes me as "she looks like a yogurt but she wobbles like a jelly". Think you all get the picture :-)))) Still have a bit of toning to do!!!

Good thread, has made me think of what lies behind my decisions to have dates with both guys. Mmmmm.....

[No game 14,437]

Would I date someone less active than me?

In a word NO... Because that would mean that he was practically dead, because I'm not very athletic

But really... The person you described? I would say no also. It's not just that you said he's not very active, he sounds like he likes his over indulgence of food and drink. I would not do well with a man that was complacent with his fitness and diet. I think the complacency is exhibited by the comment about well its you that "likes to move"

Eek! i would have the same worries (for very good reasons) as you!

Now don't get me wrong this might work for some. But for me gaining weight is is getting to complacent and an Oreo away.

I see it on a much smaller scale (hehe scale) when I hang out with my friend and her family,

They are rather large and LOVE good food and drink, it's hard not to get caught up in the festive abandon that happens during meals (yes even sleeved)

I could not invite that into my life daily, I would lose my focus, because at the end of the day I still struggle with food and diet and I need all the cards stacked in my favor.

So my answer is no.

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

So, those of you that read my posts in the vets forum know that getting a plastic surgery consult was traumatic, trust me the first time I even showed off bare upper arms to mr athelete jock guy, I felt like I might die...lol. Anyway, I have told him about my history and that i plan on having plastics etc. At first, he really couldn't get his mind around why I wanted plastic surgery (bless his heart) because he is sorta used to women who are not necessarly hard bodies. (I look fit enough, but not skinny in clothes - without clothes, very jiggly due to the skin). Anyway, he is super supportive of me and the ONLY reason I am open to other relationships is because he is not long term boyfriend material... you just have to trust me on that one. great guy, but, lacks stability and a few other key factors that become important over time.

Anyway, I am listening carefully to what you are all are saying. The new man i met is NOT a glutton or gross over indulger, I don't mean that at all. And when someone is wooing you, it tends to be alot of wining and dining so I am not sure i yet have a truly accurate picture.

I have liked being around someone who doesn't even care about food - like it is just fuel. Wow, that is refreshing. No bugging me about how little I eat, no concern about my low carb thing.

The logical thing for me to do (but since when does that make a difference... hahahaha) is to just stay put where I am, get my plastics, recover, and reconsider my entire situation in 2014. I know that, but when the heart finds someone that seems so ideal in many ways, it is hard to sorta let that slip away I guess.

still thinking...

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

my direct, simple answer

no - i wouldn't date someone who was inactive, little heavy et al

its sad that I admit this

since we were always fighting the prejudice against heavy people that we received

being new to maintenace - still being extra careful, sometime walking on eggshells............

i need to continue to be careful for the rest of my life

but thats ok - i never want to become the old kathy again

i wouldn't/couldn't want to be around any possible temptation

FYI - DH and i were both heavy when we wed 22 years ago

he doesn't have any desire to lose weight

i do have to deal with some temptation - but he respects the fact i don't want any "bad" food around the house - chips, "oreos" for Laura

good luck

kathy

[No game 14,437]

Anyway' date=' I am listening carefully to what you are all are saying. The new man i met is NOT a glutton or gross over indulger, I don't mean that at all. And when someone is wooing you, it tends to be alot of wining and dining so I am not sure i yet have a truly accurate picture.

I have liked being around someone who doesn't even care about food - like it is just fuel. Wow, that is refreshing. No bugging me about how little I eat, no concern about my low carb thing.

The logical thing for me to do (but since when does that make a difference... hahahaha) is to just stay put where I am, get my plastics, recover, and reconsider my entire situation in 2014. I know that, but when the heart finds someone that seems so ideal in many ways, it is hard to sorta let that slip away I guess.

still thinking...[/quote']

I erased the part about the athletic guy because you seem to know what you want there.

It sounds like you really like this second guy...

It's hard to top "ideal" trust me!

Most definitely the plastics are going to take a lot of energy and emotional power to get through so I get needing to focus on that.

You sound like you have your eyes wide open on what could be a pitfall for you... That's half the battle really. Perhaps if it gets more serious it is something you can talk to him about. Not changing him but let him know the kind of support and consideration you need?

I'm married to an extremely athletic man. He leaves me in the dust everyday. You name it he does it. BUT he can eat like a pig ( and does)

He and my son get underweight unless they eat copious amounts of food daily. How does this work for me? It's not pretty sometimes.. But I keep the lines of communication open about how I'm feeling about food at the moment. If he wants to overindulge and it's not a good idea for me, we eat different thing. We also negotiate when shopping. If I feel I can't have that certain thing in house this week, he doesn't buy it because really he can live without it...

I don't know talking about your worries? And give and take?

I was going to say also spending time apart to pursue your individual activities? But newly dating I know people like to spend lots of time together..

[NoneYa 380]

Oh lets be clear - I would never try to change someone, that has to come from within. for me the decision is whether to "risk" my own slide back to a less active lifestyle is all by chosing to spend alot of time around someone who eats alot more and moves alot less then I do. I am only 18 months post sleeve and very aware of how "vulnerable" I am to returning to old ways....

I didn't think you would try to change him, not in that way. More of a change by association. I just meant that if he's a bit overweight and lethargic maybe just being around someone living a healthy lifestyle will bring him around. It depends on him and whats going on in is head I think. Maybe he just need a little boost. Its abolutely easier to be drug down than to lift another up, no doubt about that. I just wouldn't write him ff if e's great in all the other ways until I know he will never be on board with a healthier way of living. I cannot " vote" so to speak for the fit one because you have said he isn't forever material for you. He's off the table.